my daughter has bonded with her stepmother and did not tell me

Anna - posted on 10/14/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My daughter did not tell me for many years that while I was paying for her private school education when she was 15 by myself with no support from her father who remarried, and also paid for her private college by myself, a new car as a graduation gift, and alot more such as travel, nice clothes, a therapist, graduation party and on and on, which was a very big struggle for me to do on my own...that she bonded with, spent time with, and in the end allowed her stepmom to give her her weddding which all has come as a great big shock to me. Her wedding was a few years ago and because of the abuse carried out on me by her father, the very nastly divorce and abuse from the stepmother, I did not go to my own daughter´s wedding in Mexico. I begged her not to do this, asked her to wait as she was already living with her husband and to allow me to give her a wedding later. She could have had it in Marbella Spain at our beautiful villa but chose not to. It took me two years just to feel normal again after the wedding took place with all of her friends that I had helped her to cultivate in all of her private schools. I have only seen her once in six years when she came here last summer with her new baby and took me out to lunch only to tell me the next day that it was too expensive and then went out to the beach and had a massage. I really feel like she and they must think I am so stupid and they even wanted to know about the villa here and inheritance. I feel like they have made me suffer so much hurt that I should not leave her the same equal amount in inheritance as my other daughter who lives with me and is turning 15. To top it all off, the only photo she has posted of her trip here has a message from her stepmother sprawled across it, if you use your mouse, with her full name spelled out. It is just too much. I was so devoted to my daughter, sacrificed, nursed her, never stopped worrying and trying and never ever could have dreamt that this would happen. It is just so painful. I do not think there is anybody else out there who is going through the same thing. I looked before for a support group with like minded moms in the same situation but could not find one, until I found this one. I am 56 years old now and thinking about how I want to live the rest of my life. My daughter in Texas who has hurt me so much, wants us to move there but I just do not trust her enough to envision her never hurting me again. I feel blocked a bit with my feelings towards my little grandaughter who is just over one now and even looks like me, because I am afraid she could be used as a tool to hurt me again, especially since the stepmother was also present at her birth and so....what can I do. Please do send me any abusive responses only send me something that you think might help. Thanks.

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Jodi - posted on 10/14/2012

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I must admit, I think you are being very childish. It's equivalent to sulking and it is not very becoming. It doesn't matter that you don't like the woman. You don't have to. But your daughter shouldn't pay for that. To say you can't forgive your daughter for having a relationship with the woman his dad married is really, REALLY unfair. She has a right to have a relationship with both her parents, and that INCLUDES the spouses and family of those parents. This is your issue not your daughter's. I agree that you need some professional help with the way you feel about this. It can't be a happy life having such bitterness in your heart that you will practically disown your own child over your feelings.

Jessica - posted on 10/14/2012

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I'm thinking perhaps she didn't tell you about forming a relationship w/ stepmom because she didn't want to hurt your feelings & knew that it would cause problems. Maybe she was afraid you wouldn't have anything to do w/ her anymore & she didn't want to lose the relationship she had w/ her mom (you). Possibly she didn't want to be Put in a situation where she would have to choose between her Mom and Dad.

Those were my thoughts before I even read further than the full title.

Michelle - posted on 10/14/2012

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I know this won't be what you want to hear but go see a counselor work out your hurt feelings through them and reach out to your daughter. Forgiveness is a freeing feeling and will allow you to bond with your grandbaby. Though it hurts your feelings there is nothing wrong with your daughter having a bond with her step mother, she is not doing it to be spiteful to you it is just one more person who loves your daughter. You need to get past your hurt let it go before you miss out on being in your grandbabies life as it will be no ones fault but your own if you choose to stay away because of this other woman.

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Stephanie - posted on 03/08/2013

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Thank you, Anna. You don't know how much it means to me to know that I have at least 1 person who knows how I feel. Everyone tells me just to forget her; that her personality is so different from mine that she is never going to change and she doesn't care that she is hurting me, obviously. That may well be true, but I remember a beautiful little girl who thought her mother was her safe, loving, block of strength. I looked forward so desperately to every phase of her life, after having nothing but boys. (Not that I didn't love them and enjoy their different phases as well, but I had gone through it 3 times and I couldn't wait for my girl!) I missed everything. All of the teen joys and sorrows, lows and highs. All of the boyfriends, dates, dances, buying clothes, etc. I knew she was angry with me but I had no idea why. I still don't.
Then when she got married, she chose to go back to the little town where her dad/stepmom lived. Tiny church, much too small for the number of guests she was having. She had no friends left there. They had all graduated, married and moved away. In fact, she never attended that church. But her stepmom did. Her grandmother, who was 91, and who she adored, was never going to be able to make the 6 hour drive there. My daughter insisted that she could. My mom died 3 mos. prior to the wedding so that wasn't an issue. But a nephew, with whom Ann was especially close, was dying of leukemia and the trip was going to be very hard on him. Ann insisted he could go, which he did and died 5 hrs after the wedding. Having the wedding where she lived and where I lived, where most of her friends now lived, would have made it so much easier on everyone but she insisted it was her wedding and she could do as she
wanted. Also, it meant that her stepmom could run the show and she could once again do something that she knew was going to deliberately hurt me.
Off and on since then there have been numerous small things but I just have tried to walk on eggshells, especially after my grandchildren came along. Then I lost my husband. She did come to the memorial service. But not once, in a whole year after did she call to see how I was doing or just to talk. I live 80 miles away yet she has never spent one night in my house in 15 years, and yes, she has been invited. She goes to see Dad and stepmom 6 hrs away several times a year. Right after I lost my husband, I was feeling blue one weekend and ask if her 7 yr old could come and spend the weekend with me. It was then I learned that she didn't think me mentally capable to taking care of her children..(because I was depressed after my husband died, I guess, although I don't know how she knew that since she never called.) And she informed me I was not to use her children to help me feel better. I've not been allowed to spend any time alone with her kids, age now 8 and 4, since.
Recently I learned that she is moving 2500 miles away. Did she tell me? No. My sons told me. She's back to not speaking to me again. She's even blocked me from Facebook. The boys all say they don't understand her behavior anymore than I, but they won't talk about it more than that because they don't want to be caught in the middle. The boys are supportive of me otherwise and are loving.
I'm going back to a counselor I saw awhile back because I'm afraid with this move I will never see her again. I'm 75 years old and in good health but I'm not going to live forever. I know he's going to tell me that I have to write her out of my life because I've done all I can do...which is call her - she won't take my calls; email her-she ignores them if she reads them at all.
Sorry, Anna, that I've written such a tome, but I appreciate your letting me vent.

Anna - posted on 03/08/2013

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Dear Stephanie, I am so glad that you posted your message. It is amazing that I even logged onto this because I saw from the responses that most people didn´t understand and then I noticed there was a nice answer from someone, you!! It really helps to know there is someone out there who understands and knows how bad the hurt can be. I have to tell you that things do get better, but when it is happening it feels like you just want to curl up and cry and then of course you want to talk it all out, but I had the same problem with that too, she got even angrier. I finally decided to just let it go and find other things in my life to make me happy and now that I have it is she who is coming to me more. I believe the step mother is or was jealous of you, because they just are. And because of this, they get manipulative and sadly our children cannot always see it, so of course it really really hurts. My daughter´s stepmother arranged to have my daughter have her wedding in Mexico where she knew I would not be able to go, as I was in the middle of waiting for temp. custody of my other daughter, and this daughter´s father was going to try to take her if I went there, so we both missed it. I was deeply depressed for quite some time building up to the wedding day, especially since I brought her up almost all by myself. Now years later everything is so much better. My daughter is coming to visit me with my grandaughter and I have found love again, when I had given up, for 7 years so you never know what happens in life. I wish you love, peace and most of all the resolve to know you cannot change your daughter but you can change yourself and realize that in a way she is being selfish especially if she knows that her coldness hurts you so all you can do is tell her and then move on and do other things that make you happy, taking one day at a time. Please know that I am here for you whenever you want to post and I will answer. It sounds as though she is very cruel because she won´t even let you see her children. Move on with your life as much as possible and try to find love somewhere else being careful not to let anyone take advantage of you. You could even become a mentor for a young lady who really needs help and maybe does not have anyone in her life who takes an interest. If I did not have another daughter, that is exactly what I would do. I have to tell you a story : A friend of mine, actually the mother of my 1st boyfriend when I was 14 told me in confidence many years later, after I married someone else and we met a few times for coffee, that her two sons were very different and told me that one of them was adopted and that she gave less to him, in the way of sending him to public schools and not private like the other son, and that in the end he was the one who turned out to be better at giving his love and attention to her, and turned out to be more successful too and that she was so happy that she had him in her life. Sometimes, love comes from other people who you meet, or take an interest in. I think maybe you should try something like this without actually adopting someone. Okay, just some ideas....sorry this is so long I just want to help cuz I know how hard it is and how sad you feel.

Stephanie - posted on 03/08/2013

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I know EXACTLY what Anna is experiencing. I've been going through it for 22 years, since my daughter was 15 and decided she wanted to go live with her Dad and stepmother. All of a sudden, I became the enemy. She's my only daughter after 3 boys. I was never invited to see her before a prom. When she got married, step-mom planned the entire wedding and allowed me to give a luncheon. Nice of her, huh? Understand that prior to all this happening, I had a great relationship with my ex and even liked step-mom. I had been told that she was very jealous of me and to watch out, but I just didn't believe it. Two kids later, I can't tell you all the things my daughter has done to deliberately hurt me....it would take the whole page. I've tried time and again to get her to go to counseling with me but she says there is nothing wrong with her and I can go if I want to. She won't even allow me to see her children. I have no idea what went wrong. I've begged her to tell me but she always says, "nothing went wrong". Yet when she left my home, we had a loving relationship. Right now, she doesn't speak to me because she says I always pick a fight with her. That isn't true either, but anything other than agreeing with her every word on my part is seen that way.
Anna...I'm right there with you. I cry every day because no one understands the gravity of what we're going through.

Lacye - posted on 10/20/2012

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In all honesty, I don't see a problem with your daughter wanting to have a relationship with her stepmother. She didn't have anything to do with what your daughter's father did to you. It was his fault that you had to struggle, not hers. I think it was nice that she wanted to throw your daughter a wedding. It was your own choice not to go, they never said that you couldn't. I'm not saying you should drop everything and move to be closer to your daughter, but you shouldn't take out your hard feelings on her and her daughter that should be aimed towards her father.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/15/2012

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I think you've got it wrong. This woman has obviously spent alot of money and time on her daughter because she LOVES her and wants to give her the best she can! Also it seems to me that the daughter is more worried about money, coming over to visit her mother after six years and asking about inheritance, cant beleive the thing about the lunch too!! I've seen this happen before especially in the USA where kids just turn into spoiled brats. I think its kind of sick the way that some step mothers 'take over' another woman's daughter and have a very close mother-daughter relationship. Im certainly not saying its wrong- its very good to have a nice relationship with your step-mother but getting too close IS a bit of a stab in the back to a mother who has provided (alone without help from the father) for her daughter all of her life with the best. I think its disgusting that people are calling this mother stupid, childish, selfish etc. when she is obviously distraught that her daughter sees so much more in another woman who has had nothing to do with her upbringing- Havent you all even read the part where she says the father was abusive towards her?! How embarrasing as well for her daughter to let the woman throw her a wedding when she knew her mother would not be able to come. That is just plain disgusting. I agree that it would be very beneficial however to go to a counselor with your daughter to work things out because your daughter and beloved granddaughter are more important than this step mom :)

Terrielynn - posted on 10/14/2012

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I am a step mother and love my girls very much did you wver think may be the other woman loves your daughter as her own and not as a step child you are being a selfish person by showing your daugther if she chooses to love the other woman yoy cant be apart of her life

Dove - posted on 10/14/2012

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So because you can't stand the stepmother you are going to resent your daughter and give up a relationship with YOUR daughter?!



I am going to be blunt and rude, but.... get over yourself! In your op all you talk about is the money you have spent on your daughter... You mention very little of love and TIME. It sounds to me like your daughter is reaching out to YOU because she loves you and WANTS a relationship with you, but you are rejecting HER because she also loves her stepmother.



Get over yourself, get counseling, and mend the relationship with your daughter that you never should've broken in the first place.... How much do you think YOU not going to her wedding hurt HER. You are this young woman's mother. Which is more important to you... your hatred of the stepmother.. or your love of your daughter? By your posting here it is clear to me that your hatred is more important.... and that's disturbing.

Anna - posted on 10/14/2012

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Dear Michelle, I know but I think the stepmother goes too far. She did not need to spread her name across my photo of my house and the only pic that my daughter has of her time here in Spain, She also tried to help my ex by getting custody, hired a lawyer and took me while I was pregnant with my second daughter during my second new marriage causing great stress to the marriage and during a high risk pregnancy. They accused me of parental alienation when my daughter was 13. I could not believe how much she was enoying the questioning I had to endure with her lawyer asking me interrogatory questions sitting directly across the table from me while I was pregnant with a high risk pregnancy for 2 hours. I just cannot forgive my daughter for getting close to her behind my back after causing me so much trouble in my life. I hope that one day I will feel more loving towards my little grandaughter but I worry that if I do they will find a way to hurt me through her...you know like not letting me see her. There is nothing wrong with me and they lost their case, thank god and I am grateful for that. I just cannot bring myself to even understand it, so how will I ever be able to forgive it. I don´t think she knows how much it hurts me on a daily basis. I really feel sometimes like hurting back but am able to control my emotions enough to not say anything about it to her. Thanks for your message.

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