my daughter has changed since she has been in college

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 05/16/2013

3,561

36

3907

She's 22. She's an adult. You can't tell her who she may or may not associate with. You can't make her not move out. You can't control where she lives. All you can do is choose not to finance it. If she is graduating next week, however, then do you really think that is a deterrent?

I don't think it is fair for you to have made a decision not to pay any bills that have already been accrued, if that is the current arrangement. I do think, however, you can let her know where you stand with the situation - that if she moves out then she has to be responsible for all of her bills in the future.

Whatever you do, do NOT make it about this guy and that he is ugly, too old, the wrong person. You won't win that battle, and you'll likely just drive her away from you even more.

Have you taken the time to get to know this man?

This conversation has been closed to further comments

5 Comments

View replies by

Jodi - posted on 05/16/2013

3,561

36

3907

Karen, I asked a question about whether you had taken any time to get to know this man?

I have to agree with Little Miss in that this IS normal young adult behaviour. Unfortunately, while you may not like it, and it may not be the way you raised her to be, it is absolutely normal. Most young adults go through an experimental phase. I am sure that the Christian values you have given her will be something she reflects on in the future, but you can't force her to live the way you want her to live. She has reached an age now where you have done your job. You have given her the best you can, you have raised her with your values and love, and now, it is her turn to take what you have taught her an go out in the big wide world. Your time for controlling her life has been and gone.

Just because she isn't doing things you approve of now doesn't mean she will continue down this path. But if you try to continue to control her life, you will push her away.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/16/2013

21,273

9

3058

Well, pushing your beliefs on others has never worked. She may have been raised a Christian, and still may hold many values to heart, but that does not mean she cannot live her life. It is clear she has not felt comfortable to discuss her personal life with you because of the judgement that would follow. I have known many girls that were brought up into a religious sheltered life, and when they had an ounce of freedom without their parents looming over them, they went wild. I am not surprised by your daughters actions....not a bit.

There is so much more to this, it is hard to type out. So much easier to discuss in person. But here is the gist of it. Just because she is acting in a way that you find immoral and unchristian like, does not mean she is. Not everyone believes they are going to hell because they have had pre marital sex. Hell, i am sure you even have. Not everyone believes they are going to hell because of lying, or drinking. I am sure you have done plenty of that yourself. Not everyone believes in hell. Not everyone believes in religion.

I hate to break it to you, but your daughter is acting like a normal teenager and young adult. Regardless of her religious upbringing. Honor thy mother and thy father is fine and dandy when you are living at home as a young child or teenager, but is different when you are an adult making your own life decisions....can you honestly tell me that you still do exactly what your mom and dad tell you to do, or your in laws? You at this point need to value how you raised her, and if you raised her well....it will show in the long run. She is going through her own life thing right now, and you have got to try to understand this has NOTHING to do with you. It is her life. Do you talk to her about the last time you and your husband had sex, or when the first time was? I don't understand why an adult, your child should be expected to tell you this if you don't tell her that.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/16/2013

21,273

9

3058

Hold up here. She is an adult. She is 22 years old, and mommy and daddy cannot tell her who she can and cannot date. College changes many people. It is a time to explore oneself and grow. Sometimes not for the best, but we all learn from our mistakes. I am sure there were boyfriends of yours that your parents hated, and I am sure you loved when and if they butted in. Your family is right. The more you interfere in their relationship, the more you will push them together and away from you. Please try to remember, she is not a 15 year old girl, she is a full grown adult making her own decisions in life, while keeping up excellent grades. Give your girl some credit, privacy, and respect. No wonder she has been lying and keeping this from you,....she doesn't feel she can talk with you about her private life due to how you will react.

Amy - posted on 05/16/2013

6,467

33

2386

It's time to start cutting the strings. She's 22 and going to do what she wants whether you like it or not. So you can learn to bite your tounge and be a safe place to turn or you can cut her off, keep demanding things from her and say what you just said about this man and push her out of your lives possibly forever.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms