MY daughter has seen her dad twice in the last 4 months and she keeps asking about him and crys about him not seeing her...so now he finally got in contact with me again and says he is going to see her...he has done this in the past where he will see her for awhile and then go away again for like 4 to 6 months at a time...I told him this time that I am not telling my daughter that I have his new number because I don't want to get her hopes up...I know that my daughter loves her daddy but I also know that it really hurts her when he does this too her...should I keep putting her through this? I do think it is im portant for her to know her dad but at what price? she shouldn't have to be hurt in the end always should she?
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Isobel - posted on 12/19/2010
I am a child of divorce, my children are from a divorced family, my VERY best friend had the same father you are describing while she was growing up.
I'm so sorry that this is happening, but...as much as it sucks, your job right now is to explain to that little girl that her Daddy loves her. That he is very busy, and that sometimes people are broken and they don't know how to show their love to their children.
It is EXTREMELY important that girls feel that their father loves them! It sucks that it's our jobs as mothers to fill in that gap, but sometimes it is.
Is the divorce fresh? cause if so, there's much hope for the future once he realizes the reality and permanence of the situation.
Good Luck, and I'm sorry...I know EXACTLY how you feel
User - posted on 12/19/2010
My son who is 4 is going through this with his father. My ex husband left us while I was pregnant, came back when he was born and 4 months later was gone again for 5 months, came back and gone again for a year. The longest he was gone was 15 months, the shortest was 3. My son is in pre-K now and has emotionally problems when his dad comes and leaves. I have sole custody of my son in our divorce, but thought it was important for a child to have a relationship with his father, regardless of what kind. I'm wrong about that. I have recommendations form teachers, pediatricians, baby sitters and now physiologist, and they all concur that the inconsonant relationship is extremely harmful to the child in every way possible. Get it in writing from the professionals and it will hold up in court. Good luck!
Dana - posted on 11/02/2008
Thank you all for you advice and comments...My daughter is 5 years old for those of you who asked....and I have decided that I am not going to tell her that we are going to see him or that he is coming to see her...she will find out when and if he shows up that way she wont get dissapointed when he doesn't!!! So thank you all very much!
Kathy - posted on 11/02/2008
HE IS WHO HE IS AND IT DOESNT SOUND THAT HE IS GREAT, YOUR DAUGHTER IS GONNA SOON REALIZE WHAT HE IS AND I KNOW THIS CAUSE I HAVE 3 OLDER GIRLS THAT I HAVE CLAIMED AS MY OWN BECAUSE OF THEIR SITUATION BUT IT IS NOT THE DAD THATS DOING THIS TO THEM. THEY ARE 13, 9 AND 6. IT IS THE TWO OLDER ONES THAT HAVE REALIZED THAT THEY DONT LIKE TO HURT WHEN SHE DOES THAT TO THEM. AND YOU ARE DOING RIGHT BY NOT TELLIN HER THAT HE HAS CALLED OR THAT HE WILL BE THERE O SUCH AND SUCH A DATE. HE SHOULD CALL JUST BEFORE HE COMES OVER SO THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY SAY TO HER HE IS ON THE WAY AND I KNOW THAT ITS NOT A LOT OF TIME FOR HER TO DICIDE WHETHER SHE WANTS TO SEE HIM BUT I THINK THAT IT WILL WORK BETTER THAT WAY
JUST DONT TELL HER UNLESS HE WILL BE THERE FOR SURE. I KNOW ITS HARD TO SEE YOU LIL ONE HURT LIKE THAT I SEE 3 FACES LIKE THAT BUT NOT THAT OFTEN CAUSE SHE DOESNT CALL OR VISIT TOO MUCH SHE IS IN ANOTHER PROVINCE SO IT IS OKAY FOR NOW
THINGS WILL GET EASIER ONCE YOU LIL ONE REALIZES WHAT HE IS
HANG IN THERE
Jo - posted on 11/02/2008
i have a 15 yr. old , i had delt with the same thing her whole life. I have learned you have to let him build his own relationship with her, whatever that is. my daughter wont watch a movie that has blood in it. But she will go hunting with her dad just to spend time with him. All you can do is be there for her, be the constant for her. She will always love her dad, but you will have her love and RESPECT for the kind of parent you are. Try the serenity prayer" God grant the serenity to except the things i can not change, change the things i can. And the wisdom to know the difference."
Elissa - posted on 11/02/2008
If you step in and don't allow him to see her then that makes you the bad guy and she will blame you when she gets older. She will eventually see him for what he is. Be honest with her AND with him. Set some ground rules and talk about how it makes you feel and how it makes her feel. Be her advocate. And be there for her when she is disappointed in him - it is a very important life lesson for her to learn that grown-ups can disappoint you (I can guarantee he won't be the only person to hurt her feelings). You can use this as a teaching opportunity. Be patient and loving and she won't harbor ill feelings towards you. If he can't get his act together, she will eventually see that and realize that it is just who her Dad is. Like it or not, he is the Dad God gave her. Be thankful he wants anything to do with her at all (unlike my son's biological father)!
Kelly - posted on 11/02/2008
This is a really hard question. I went through this my whole life with my father. He constantly let me down and repeatedly broke my heart. My mother allowed it to continue because the court said she had to but I'm not sure that if she had pushed to get him out of my life for good that I wouldn't have blamed her. Its tough to say. Now that I am grown up and have a family of my own he is no longer a part of our lives, but that is by my own choice. I guess maybe I wish that my mother could have spared me that pain but there is a part of me that thinks I would have blamed her if he wasn't around because of her. How old is your daughter??? Because sometimes honesty is truly the best and you may want to let her have a little input on this life changing decision.
Donna - posted on 11/02/2008
I too am divorced and remarried. With my kids it was not that hard because they were all fairly young. When I left him for domestic abuse and alcoholism, the children adjusted rather quickly. Especially since he didn't call or write at all, evening knowing where they were and having a number to contact them, he never did. But my 15 yr old was actually asking me the other day, why he had to be such a jerk and not talk to them. I told her I couldn't answer that question, that someday hopefully she would have to ask him herself. The others could care less. I have been with my husband now for almost 7 years and it's the only dad they know . And they all have said he couldn't be a better dad!!
Amber - posted on 11/02/2008
My oldest daughters biological father did the same thing to her (promising he would see her, send her things, bring her gifts, never did) and eventually totally dropped out of her life. It was so hard on her BEFORE he dropped out of her life, now that he is gone she is much better emotionally. I eventually stopped telling her if he called and made promises which he was not going to keep. Every once in a while he followed through and that was great but instead of telling her and letting her down, I let it be what it was going to be. When she asks about him I tell her it is not her fault, he has problems and we need to pray for him that he gets it together someday. I know it is hard. You don't want to hinder them being able to see him but you don't want them to be hurt and let down at every turn.
Toni - posted on 11/02/2008
Depending upon court orders of visitation, you may not have any choice but to let your daughter see her father. Assuming there are no visitation requirements, I have this to say. I was a child who's biological mom did the same thing. She'd say she was coming for the weekend, then call an hour after she was supposed to pick me up just to say she wasn't coming at all. I had to choose between activities and going to see her. I'd always choose her, and then be let down. However I was young when I made those choices (the earliest I recall is age 5---my parents split when I was 2 and there were some other issues between then). I respect my dad and my step-mom for allowing me to make those choices at a young age. As an adult, I have learned how hard it was for them to see me go through that dissapointment time and time again. But I also think I would have blamed them for not having a relationship with my Mom. As I got to be older (teen years) I learned for myself why she was so flaky and then when I became an adult, I actually made the decision to not have a relationship with her. There are many, many reasons for this. But the point is that if I had been told I couldn't see her, or if I found out that my dad "lied" to me about her not calling, I would have been resentful towards him. I'm not telling you what to do. I just thought it may be helpful to have the perspective of a little girl who went through the same type of situation. Hopefully it helps you in making a decision.
Danielle - posted on 11/02/2008
Some may think this harsh, but now that you have the new number, you are in control, and your sweet girl doesnt have to pay the price for her daddy's inconsistent behavior, it isnt in her best interest. Yes, it is important for her to know her dad, but not at this cost. I would let dad know, that you are done with this behavior, and lay some tough ground rules, be consistent with her or dont be at all. You are the one left to answer the question and dry the tears not him, you are the primary parent and ultimately responsible for her emotional well being. Is any of this easy... not by any means... no ever said that single parenting for us would be. If you ever need an ear... just write...
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