My Daughter in Law Is Always Trying To Manipulate Me Into Buying One thi B g or another

Robin - posted on 04/30/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I've tried everything to keep from saying the wrong thing but I am now at my wits end. She's constantly trying to manipulate myself or my husband into purchasing big ticket items for my grandson; things that he does not need, things that are not associated with a birthday or holiday event. It's always something and it's beginning to bother me and I'm not sure how to handle it. It's become so obvious and now my grandson participates in the manipulation with her. (He's 5) ie. my husband is now in town where my grandson lives on business. He's had a little time throughout the week to take my grandson to lunch and had plans on having dinner with each of the kids at some point throughout the week tonight when he was getting ready to leave his hotel in order to have dinner with my grandson he gets a phone call from my daughter in law explaining she's running a little late because they're at a toy store and he wants a Batman Lego set that cost $70 and he only has $18.00 what to do. This is just one example of a way that she attemps to manipulate us out of money here and there. She has been successful in the past but now we see it, we just aren't sure how to deal with it? It's become constanta and its put us in a position will be no longer enjoy buying anything for our grandson. :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Loving but Frustrated Grandparents.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/01/2014

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Why haven't you discussed this with your son?

Good grief. I asked my parents to help on 'big ticket' items, but it was ALWAYS in conjunction with b-day or holiday gifts, and was ALWAYS an item that was for both of my kids, and finally, ALWAYS an item that would advance their healthy habits & exercise.

I always gave mom the opportunity to say no, and never was upset when she did.

You've basically trained your DIL to think that you'll give in. You should have started saying NO five years ago, unless it was something healthy, for exercise, or a definitely needed item that the parents absolutely couldn't cover (and then ask them to pay you back. I paid my mom back, no reason they cannot do the same)

Learn how to say no.

Robin - posted on 05/01/2014

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I also hate confrontation and I don't want to risk her influencing my son in our being able to be in our grandsons life so I do believe we will just start declining those situations where she's obviously asking us for money and/or items. it's frustrating that I can't buy my grandson anything because I don't know whether she's going to return it or not. we know for a fact he returned the Kindle that we purchased him his bicycle he never rode and she suddenly decided to tell us that it was stolen a few days after we purchased it I could go on and on with particular items that have disappeared.

I do believe that the money will be much better spent when he's older and he can spend it on a car or college education or anything else he may be into. I mean how many toys do actually remember from your childhood. I think in the long run he'll appreciat what we've done. Thank you so much! I was so close to telling her off yesterday and that would not have helped the situation. I just hate my husband being upset; he has such a good heart and to feel taken in hurts.

Robin

Guest - posted on 05/01/2014

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How awful! If you have the guts to confront her, then go for it, just be tactful because you don't want to make her hate you and start keeping the grandkids from you.

If it were me (I hate confrontation), I would simply start declining to buy things. Like the toy purchase above, I would have just told her, "Tell him to save his money and do some extra work to earn a little more faster. This will be a valuable lesson for when he is older."

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE if my in laws put money in a savings account for our kid to use when he is older, for a car or college or something. I can't believe she sent you Amazon wish lists!! I did that ONCE at the specific request of my MIL. She was recovering from knee surgery and didn't want to go out Christmas shopping so she thought it would be easy if we all just sent her amazon wish lists with several options she could pick from. It felt weird, but she loved it.

Michelle - posted on 05/01/2014

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If she wants to raise a spoiled brat then that's her choice, I would be letting her know that you won't be giving any money or buying anything other than for birthday's or Christmas. She's an adult and if she want to spoil her child then she can pay for it.

Robin - posted on 05/01/2014

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I totally agree. I don't really buy much for him. I actually put money into an account for him and my granddaughter on their birthdays Christmas etc. My other DIL loves that we do that because they feel my granddaughter has too much as it is, but my oldest sons wife complains about it. She still continues to send me Amazon wish list trying to tell me what my grandson needs or wants. I used to buy gufts but then I found out that my DIL was returning what I'd buy for store credit or cash. I hate feeling like I'm always being manipulated. :(

I hate to do it but I'm thinking we're going to have to say something to her. I don't like feeling like I'm being played. It is insulting that she feels she can do this to us. :(

Michelle - posted on 05/01/2014

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I agree with Jodi. You need to say no.
My kids know that they get presents for birthdays and Christmas. If I decide to buy other things during the year, it's not because they have been hounding me. If they hound me, they don't get it, simple.
All she is doing (and you to an extent) is raising a child that expects everything handed to him without having to work for it. He could have some chores to do and earn pocket money. That way he will learn the value of money rather then knowing someone will just buy it for him.

Jodi - posted on 04/30/2014

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You need to learn to say no, and she needs to learn to say no. It really is that simple.

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