My daughter is 13 and her friend is having a baby is it wrong if I stop them from hanging out?

Jessica - posted on 09/17/2012 ( 28 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone I am a mother to a 13 year old daughter. She is my only child and we are very close and have a good relationship. She's a good kid and a typical teenager. She's mature responsible respectful caring,makes good decisions, well mannered and gets good grades. Now don't get me wrong I am not one of them parents that believe my child is perfect and does no wrong. Trust me I know she is not. She has her days. At times she can be stubborn spoiled rude have an attitude argue not listen and be moody. I do have lots of trust in her though. With all that being said yesterday we were talking and she told me that one of her good friends was pregnant. (this girl is also 13) I have always spoken with my daughter about the seriousness and consequences of having sex leading to pregnancy and std's also at her age sex shouldn't even be thought of. However after knowing that her friend was pregnant I felt we should have this talk again. While we were talking I asked her if she is sexually active. She told me she was a virgin and that she didn't want or think about having sex. I do believe she is telling me the truth she has never broken our trust. I know that I could just be naive but she shows no signs of having or wanting a boyfriend. After speaking with my daughter I told her that she is not allowed to hang out with her friend anymore. My daughter said mom that is wrong we are friends. She already is going to lose all of her friends and everyone is being mean to her. She said some girls made a facebook about this girl and that everyone is posting awful stuff. Then she said I like her and im not gonna stop being her friend because she is pregnant that is being fake So my question is do you think it is wrong of me to stop them from hanging out. Thank you to all who can offer me advise.

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S. - posted on 09/19/2012

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The OP has re posted if you read on ladies!

Sometimes as a mother we react bad and fly off the handle, not saying it's right but were all only human and sometimes get it wrong! Its if we make it right what's the important thing and I believe the op is trying to make it right.

Lisa - posted on 09/19/2012

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Jessica! Hang in there.



These are my suggestions:



1. It is not out of place to talk to your daughter's friend and help her. She needs a lot of support now. Being able to talk to you about it may help her be more comfortable talking to her own mother.

2. I'd recommend giving the girl a chance to talk about what's going on, by starting with, "Tell me how you're handling this." Ask her what she is worried about when it comes to telling her own mother. Repeat in your own words what she is telling you (This will help her to feel that you understand what she is saying). Suggest to her what she can say to tell her mother (e.g., "Mom, I need your help. I'm pregnant."). Talk about the different ways her mother might react (e.g., yelling and anger, crying and sadness, quiet and calm.).



3. I'd recommend encouraging the girl to tell her mother, rather than you. If the girl's mother a good friend of yours? If so, it may help to offer to go with the girl when she tells her mother.



4. Tell her she needs to tell her mother ASAP and have her plan a good time/day in the next few days, preferably a time when her mother is not busy or stressed.



Helping her know what to expect and making the decision on when to tell her mother may help her feel somewhat in control of her situation, and less helpless.



5. I think you're making a good decision in supporting your daughter's friendship. Supporting her friend through her tough time says a lot about her character. As your daughter sees what her friend goes through with pregnancy, finances, family relationships, etc., it could give you and her the opportunity to talk about how difficult being a teen parent is, or giving a child up for adoption, or termination of pregnancy. What hard, grown up, life altering decisions her friend will have to face.

Good luck, Jessica!

Sarah - posted on 09/19/2012

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If the girl will talk with you that's great. She needs support and a listening ear at the moment. Obviously the best thing would be for her to talk to her mom. Maybe you could offer to come with the girl when she tells her mom, so she has some support there.



It isn't your place to tell the mom. Leave that to the daughter.

Dove - posted on 09/17/2012

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I agree with your daughter. This 13 year old made a very stupid decision, but she is still a human being with feelings. Life as she knows it is OVER. She has got to be very overwhelmed and scared right now and losing all your friends is just going to make it that much worse.



Your daughter walking with her friend through this may actually put her off of sex for another 10 years. ;) lol Just keep talking to your daughter about all of it and trust her to make the right decisions.

Dove - posted on 09/19/2012

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There aren't that many posts yet that someone can't read them all before responding. This mother reacted initially out of fear (which I can't blame her for at all). SHE is also trying to help this girl now. :)



I don't think you should be the one to tell the mother, but definitely be willing to talk to the kid and offer to go WITH her to tell her mother if she thinks that would help. She needs to tell her mother as soon as possible and needs to be under a doctor's care as well.



Good luck!

28 Comments

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Sophia Marie - posted on 11/03/2012

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the friendship will be over by its self... both girls are going to change in a few months. and this change will happen soon. pray for that young lady and her family. it could have been your child... try not to put others down too soon.. we dont know when we may need a friend .

Barbara - posted on 11/03/2012

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You are her mother and only you can make the final decision. You know your daughter better than anyone. I do think that letting your daughter keep her friend might be a good step in educating her about the pitfalls of teen pregnancy. She will have a front row seat as all of the girls friends drift away, watch the physical and emotional changes that her friend experiences, and experience with her friend the process of childbirth. If her friend is planning on keeping her baby, your daughter might even become involved in some baby care issues, see the juggling act her friend must go through to stay in school while pregnant and the after-the-fact scheduling once the baby is born. If her friend ultimately gives the baby for adoption, she will also see the emotional consequences that impact her friend with the tough 'adult' decisions she will have to face. Your daughter can also provide the emotional and social support for her friend that this girl will really need right now. Again, no one can make the final choice but you. It's a difficult choice, but experience really is the best teacher and I'd want to be another adult presence in both kids lives during this really challenging time. If you know her friend, she's been to your house and you've had previous contact with her, you know a little better how to handle this.

Gloria - posted on 10/30/2012

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Your wrong that girl needs a friend I was a teen mom and thank God my friends stayed by my side ... your showing your daughter to only be there for people during the good times ....

Lulu - posted on 10/29/2012

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I would've done the same thing if my daughter niki told me that but just at that moment now that I think about it I would let her be her friend the poor girl already lost so many friends and it was a stupid decision but I'm sure the one thing she will never forget hey at least my friend was there for me

AnnMarie - posted on 09/21/2012

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As a teen I was a friend of a pregnant teen. My best friend got pregnant and I was there for her. My parents were never anything but supportive of our friendship. I was the first friend she told, I'll never forget that day. It was a very good learning expierence for me. And it made a huge impact on my choices when it came to sex. Fast forward 20 years and we are still friends. I've been thorough the best and hardest moments of life with my friend. Your daughters friend will never forget all the love and understanding, support and kindness that you have shown her. You are a great role model and your daughter is an amazing friend!

Kattia - posted on 09/20/2012

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Jessica, you have raised a wonderful girl and you are giving her such a great lesson on compassion....because I have young daughters it always ticks me off when teens make a mistake and it's the girl that ends suffering through the shame, humiliation, of an unplanned pregnancy at a young age. This young child needs all the support she can get right now...kudos to you for doing right by your daughter's friend...

Debbie - posted on 09/20/2012

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GREAT NEWS !!!

SORRY I WAS HARSH..... BUT I ALWAYS GO BY THE POLICY THAT YOU GET BACK WHAT YOU GIVE OUT..... IF YOU DO NOT SHOW UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASSION IT WILL NEVER COME BACK TO YOU WHEN YOU NEED IT..... IF YOU SHOW BY KNEE JERK REACTIONS THAT YOU DON'T CARE... HOW CAN YOUR CHILDREN LEARN TO CARE. .... IT IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS FRIEND NO MATTER WHY TYPE DECISION SHE AND HER FAMILY MAKE. BUT IF THEY HAVE OUTSIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT THINGS CAN GO A LITTLE EASIER. SCHOOL IS ROUGH ENOUGH.



TAKE CARE

Nikki - posted on 09/20/2012

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Jessica your daughter sounds like a lovely girl, it's very sweet and endearing that she wants to stand by her friend. It's possibly not the worst thing either, my best friend had a baby as a teenager and it put me off having sex for a long time and when I did I was very careful until I met the right man!!!

Lisa - posted on 09/20/2012

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Well done Jessica.......well done to you all really, your daughter for being such a great, reliable friend, you for standing by them both, your daughters friend for stepping up and doing the right thing with your help and to her mother for wanting to stand by her no matter what. I really wish you all have the best possible outcome from all of this & the girls remain close friends. Good luck, i am really happy things are going in the right direction :) x

Jessica - posted on 09/19/2012

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UPDATE!!!!! Today after school my daughter came home with her friend. Before coming home my daughter had told her friend I knew she was pregnant and wanted to talk to her. I started off by telling her that if she is not comfortable talking to me I would understand completely, but that she really needed to find an adult that she is comfortable with and that will not be bias in any decision that she will make. I then explained to her that I am not going to judge her,criticize her or try to convince her into doing something, but if she wanted I could be here to offer her advice,support and guidance. I then let her know that everything would be okay. Also for such a young girl she is faced with such a big decision, but that she does have choices and that advice is good but in the end she is the one that has to make the final decision for HERSELF. We then discussed about her mom really needing to know in that if she wanted I could go with her to talk to her mom. She really wanted me to go with her and I did. So together we spoke to her mom she is devastated,upset,sad ect. But she is going to be there for her daughter all the way.

Samantha - posted on 09/19/2012

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I think you have gotten loads of great advice already, so I'm just going to say: You raised a great girl. Good job!

Morgan - posted on 09/19/2012

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Your daughter is trying.to.be a good.friend it's a great trait in.kids so young. She is loyal. Let her stay friends with her.

Tee - posted on 09/19/2012

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If the girl will talk to you then great but it is not your place to tell the mom. Offer to be there for support when she does if she will let you. BIG KUDOS to your daughter for the way she is handling this. Also use this as a time to continue to talk with your daughter. My son was 12 when I had his brother and we used it as a way of continuing "the talk" and it has been a very good birth control lesson for him (he is now 20 and still childless). He got to see first hand how much work babies were and realized that was not for him. There were a lot of girls at his school that were pregnant at the time and he was under the impression that it was easy.

Donna - posted on 09/19/2012

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This young girl needs all the friendship she can get. I think it would be harmful to end this friendship for both of them.

Deborah - posted on 09/19/2012

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Pregnancy isn't contagious. I honestly believe this would put your daughter off sex for a very long time.

If you liked the girl before she screwed up, then I can't see a problem. The poor baby has ruined her life already. You judging her won't help.

I am sure you taught your daughter to choose her friends wisely. You would have also taught her loyalty.

Hover a bit if you feel it necessary.

Don't make your daughter choose between you and her friend.

S. - posted on 09/19/2012

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If I was the mother of that girl I would want someone to tell me! Is it your place too? Well I really don't know the answer to that one but someone needs to tell her! Try and get your daughter to bring the girl round to you at least you can talk to her on a adult level, ask her to tell her mum, offer to be there if the girl wants as moral support if ppl know at school it's going to get back to someone and the mum will find out have her wight it down in a letter to give the mum. either way the girl needs her family and some help I am sure she is terrified.

And i think you've done the right thing by daughter :)

Vicki - posted on 09/19/2012

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I was a teen mom myself at one time and I to lost many friends and had many parents stop their daughters from hanging around me. I felt very alone and depressed. Good on your daughter for seeing that her freind needs a freind and good for her to want to be there for her, she's gonnea need it!

I remeber when i became pregnany I was petrified to tell my parents, especially with my mom making coments about othr teens that were walking around pregnant! UGH One of my friends that I had told me that if i didnt tell my parents by the end of the week she was going to tell her own mother and have her mother tell my mother. This horrified me because I knew my friend would have. Talk to your daughter see if she can get things moving along. I have discovered there is no easy way or right time to tell your parents you just have to just say it!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/19/2012

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Oops., just read your post. Good for you.



Yes, talk to the girl. Do NOT tell her mother, it is not your place. Help her by putting yourself in her mothers shoes. Give her the words that you would want to hear if your daughter fell pregnant. Talk to her from a mothers perspective, not a friends perspective. Let her know how concerned a parent is for their kid, and how much she needs to know. But definitely be a support for her as much as you can be.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/19/2012

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WOW kudos to your daughter for not jumping on the bandwagon and being mean to this girl. I think it is great of her, and think you do not need to forbid her to see this girl. After all, pregnancy is not contagious. Her pregnant friend is going to need a good friend like your daughter in the most difficult time of her life. If anything, your daughter will learn safety first. Let her be the good friend that she is, and let her be there for her friend.

Jessica - posted on 09/18/2012

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I wanna say thank you to all that answered. I also want to say after talking to my daughter again and reading every ones comments I now realize that I was wrong and bias. I am going to continue letting them be friends for several reason 1. I now know it was completely wrong of ME for even thinking the way that I was. 2. Like a lot of you have said this could possibly be a learning experience for my daughter. 3. I do trust my daughter very much to make right in wrong choices 4. Just because this other girl is pregnant it does not make her a bad kid. And 5. Right now this little girl needs a friend.

NOW I AM FACED WITH ANOTHER BIG QUESTION

While talking to my daughter about everything she told me her friends mom doesn't even know that she is pregnant. I told her that the mom really needs to know as soon as possible (like now) I also told her to talk with her friend and let her know that I know and try to encourage her to talk to her mom. Or try to see if the girl might talk to me herself. Now I don't know what I should do. These are my questions:

1. Is it out of place for me to talk to my daughters friend about this situation?

2. Please help me find the words to say to her?

3. Should I just go straight to the mom without giving the daughter a chance to tell her mom?

4. If I talk to the daughter how long should I give her to tell her mom?

5. And if anyone has any advise suggestions that they can offer me about this entire situation including my daughter? THANK YOU ALL

[deleted account]

i don'[t know the girl or your daughter, but yes generally i think it's wrong to disallow your daughter from seeing her friend because she got pregnant. pregnancy isn't contagious. if you have taught your daughter well and you trust her then you shouldn't feel you have to end the relationship because of the friend's pregnancy. also, the girl who is pregnant is gonna have a rough time ahead of her and she made a bad decision and is already going to have to suffer the consequences. it would help for her to at least have 1 friend around still

Denikka - posted on 09/17/2012

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Your daughter is absolutely right. This poor girl is already going to lose so much. Friends not being the least of it all.

I would not ban my daughter from being friends with a girl just because she got pregnant young. Yes, it was a dumb decision. But things happen.

You can even look at this as a learning experience for your daughter. Show her what having a baby at a young age is like. Let her see exactly how difficult it is for this girl to deal with all the hate. All her friends disappearing. The lack of support from the baby's father.

How much more difficult it will be for this girl to continue, and finish, her schooling. What sleepless nights and the strain of having a baby will do to a person.

Let the girl come over for a night when she's very pregnant and let your daughter see how uncomfortable it is to sleep with a large tummy. If the parents of this girl are decently responsible, let her stay over there one night after the baby is born to see what it's like to deal with a baby all night.

Something like this doesn't have to be this big negative thing. Turn it into a positive. Your daughter may be the ONLY person, including family, friends and baby daddy, who ends up sticking by this girls side. Don't take that away from her. One bad decision should not destroy a persons entire life.

S. - posted on 09/17/2012

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Your daughter sounds like mine I totally get where your coming from but tbh I'd trust your daughter to be a friend and not fallow her friends path plus I'm sure she will see her friend going threw morning sickness, pains, stretch marks, birth, sleepless nights, and every other horrid thing that fallows pregnancy and being a young mum, not to mention the shame and bullying her friend will be going through right now, I'm sure your daughter is sensible enough not to want that life for herself, keep doing what your doing be open and honest and talk to each other.

My daughter 13 came home and said a girl in her class thought she was pregnant and I was shocked and lectured, lectured, lectured literally on and off all night long I was just so shocked FFS their 13! Babies themselfs, this was just a girl in her class not a best friend so I can understand your initial reaction but "stop or ban" her and you will push her away.

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