My daughter is 14 and has gotten in trouble

Francine - posted on 09/16/2014 ( 47 moms have responded )

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I received a call from my daughter school and they told me that she had left the premises with her boyfriend. As it turned out, she was out in the field doing some very inappropriate things with him. When my husband found out, he gave her a severe whipping and she ran away. Now dss is involved and she was removed from our home and sent to stay in foster care. she does not want to return home claiming that she is afraid of my husband. She mad at me because she claims that I did not protect her against him. We are going back and forth to court in regards to this matter but our daughter does not think that she has done anything wrong. Now What?

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Michelle - posted on 09/22/2014

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***********Mod notice*********
I'm closing this thread, it's getting a bit out of hand.

Michelle,
WtCoM Mod.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/19/2014

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Gee...Ask that NFL player if he's getting any slack trying to say that a whipping isn't abuse...

SEVERE. That right there takes it out of the realm of discipline into abuse, regardless of the term you use (whipping, beating, whooping, hiding, caning).

And another thing: Those parents who claim that "Teenagers are going to have sex, it is going to happen and all we can do is educate. them. " are generally the ones who end up early grandparents, or having to help their children with the abort/adopt decision.

NOT ALL TEENAGERS ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX. Mine didn't, none of their friends did, and they weren't the only teens in our area to have abstained. Education is key. Early education is critical.

I wish people would quit assuming that, because THEIR kid made the choice to have sex at a young age doesn't mean that ALL KIDS do.

All I hope is that this young lady can get the help and attention that she needs, that her father learns a more appropriate mode of discipline, and that child services can help this family.

Alex - posted on 09/22/2014

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I don't think that *Xanax is the appropriate and/or healthy way to manage stress....

Ev - posted on 09/20/2014

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I have to say I agree with Jodi, Shawnn, and Dove and anyone else who has said the same things they have. A child of this age does not need to be whipped or beaten to get the point across. I do not care if corporal punishment exists in schools or not, to me its abuse. Spanking is even considered abuse in a lot of places. The point is this woman's husband went overboard in the punishment. Also, I have been told that whipping a girl of this age while still in development of her body can cause some damage.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/19/2014

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Its illegal in all of the states I've lived in "american"...so my research is fine, tyvm. And if you are still in an area that is allowing corporal punishment, that's YOUR choice.

In the rest of the contemporary US, it's illegal. I'm not going to continue to argue with an obstinate person. You see it your way, that abusing your kids is perfectly fine. I see it differently, and it has proven out in the fact that my gentlemen ARE, in my eyes, perfect, and I wouldn't have changed a damn thing about raising them WITHOUT abusing them.

And, honey, if 44 is OLD...well, You're sorely disillusioned. My kids are grown because I didn't WAIT to have them, I planned to become a parent by the time I was 25, finished having kids by 27, and now they're raised, and I'm still young enough to enjoy the fact that 1) I'm NOT an early grandmother, by virtue of how my kids were raised, that 2) I did NOT give them free license to fuck anything with two legs just because they were 'teenagers, and that's the norm', and 3) that my kids were (and are) mature enough to realize the logic of the situation: NO sex means NO babys, NO early marriage, and a great chance at forever happiness by NOT getting stuck marrying the first chickie that you get pregnant.

At least my daughters in law will KNOW that they've married good men who understand and value them as individuals, rather than sexual objects.

Oh, and as far as my opinion about YOUR kids? YOU JUDGED MINE. I didn't judge yours, I just said I hope that they DO turn out as well as mine have. If you didn't like that, it's not my problem, sweets!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

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American - posted on 09/22/2014

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Don't have to explain myself to a couple bullies. stop picking on posts that don't agree with you and you won't be reported on. you two like to gang up on people and I wish the mods would do something about you two. I know what is right and wrong aand your bullying.

American - posted on 09/22/2014

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Read all posts not just the ones you want to pick on and you might understand the conversation better.

Alex - posted on 09/22/2014

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It's a drug that people are subscribed when all else fails. They're not M&Ms...it's a combination of severely damaging chemicals...you should not take pharmaceuticals so lightly...

Coming from a biologist that spent a LOT of time working with chemical compositions in laboratories...You do not want to resort to pumping your body full of drugs. Your natural self will have more trouble coping on its own, next time. That's why they are so addictive.

Dove - posted on 09/22/2014

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No where does the op say there were only a couple of swats w/ a bare hand... so I'm completely lost as to why you are getting all bent out of shape trying to justify anything to anyone. Completely illogical as you have no idea what kind of whipping the op's child got... unless you ARE the op.... and at 14 she is too old for any type of spanking in the first place.

But continue on if it makes you feel better... :)

Dove - posted on 09/22/2014

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Sorry.. maybe if you typed more coherently I would have understood that you were only justifying a whipping... not a beating... even though they are the same damn thing. lol

Seems like you may be the one that needs to be on calming drugs....

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2014

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"There is a HUGE difference in beating and whipping. She stated severe whipping not severe beating. "

Right there you implied that a "severe whipping" was ok. Right there is where you defended it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/22/2014

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Oh, 'american'...please point out (here, where you've blatantly accused me) and copy/quote EXACTLY where I 1) personally attacked you or your situation and 2) attacked your 'choice' of parenting!

I'll be waiting. Never have I done either. All I said was that I hope that your kids turn out as well as mine did. If that's an attack, I'm an Oompa-Loompa.

And, I will also point out that never once did I say that SPANKING is wrong. I did, however point out that an intelligent adult who is a parent should have more in their arsenal than whipping a 14 year old, a child who is WELL into the ages of cognitive reasoning, thus dictating that beating is not effective.

American - posted on 09/22/2014

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And Dove... was just pointing out that hitting child with rod was abuse not a couple swats on the bum with hand. that would not be abuse....geeze ladies eat a zanex or something.

American - posted on 09/22/2014

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OH YEA...NEVER defended child abuse that was just how you perceived what I said.

American - posted on 09/22/2014

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@Shawnn ......I was abused as child and know from job training what abuse is about. Face it lady there are people in this world who spank and that is their right. Doesn't mean it makes since to you and they don't owe you an explanation. I did SPANK my children when they were little but the punishment fit the crime so to speak. you may feel how ever you choose about spanking as I will because we live in AMERICA.....and that is our right. As far as your personal attacks on my situation and choice of parenting LADY YOU MAY KISS MY ASS!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/22/2014

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You claim to have been 'through it' with 'an abusive asshole'...and yet you're defending abuse of children?

That IS funny. NOT FUNNY, HA HA...but FUNNY, as in something's a 'little funny here'...

Stop defending child abuse.

American - posted on 09/22/2014

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Nope never said that you should read all posts I wrote. not agree with child getting beat. I see the gray areas not just black and white of this world.

Jodi - posted on 09/20/2014

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I am finding it hard to believe someone is defending a person 's right to give a child of ANY age a "severe whipping". Implement or no implement, I emphasise the word SEVERE here. There IS no justification for it. It's abusive, pure and simple.

And American Woman, go back to the definitions of the two words I provided. They are synonamous.

Dove - posted on 09/20/2014

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*Right hitting a three year old with fishing rod . my point exactly. difference......used pole ihere's of hand.

???? Sorry. Totally do not understand the point you are trying to make cuz he was whipped w/ a fishing rod... another word for that was he was beat.

OP doesn't say anything about an object or not... so you are really just making an assumption on this entire post based off of your abusive past... which makes your entire argument completely illogical....

American - posted on 09/20/2014

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Dove. I found something funny in them that simple! Right hitting a three year old with fishing rod . my point exactly. difference......used pole ihere's of hand.

Dove - posted on 09/20/2014

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Marking posts as funny that are not meant to be funny is RUDE and shows tremendous immaturity... As does trying to argue that whipping and beating are different as if you are actually trying to justify that whipping is ok cuz it's not a beating. Ignorance....

I have a relative that was whipped w/ a fishing rod... at 3 years old. You want to tell me that whipping and beating are not the same thing?! Tell that to him (38 now). Grow up and realize that YOUR definition of the world is not the only reality.

Ev - posted on 09/20/2014

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American, I do not live in a perfect world and I do understand. My own mother lived in an abusive home as a child into her teens. It was her step father who was the abuser. That was the reason she decided not to use spanking with me and my sister. She used other methods. But I am sure we got swats until we got older. And these other ladies are right. Today, whipping with an implement is considered abuse just as beating is. The state I live in says that if you use anything but your hand on the cloth covered bottom of a child for a spanking, its considered abuse. This means that you can not use any implement be it a brush, wooden spoon, belt, paddle, or anything that can be used to spank with. Most of those things leave marks and bruises and if reported and they find them, they will take the children or child away from the parents. Its that simple. As for age, this girl is too old for a spanking or whipping. She needed to be grounded or had other consequences for her choices. That is the point.

American - posted on 09/20/2014

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Oh if only you gals understood. Same my ass. I was beat not whipped. wish I could agree but been through it so I know he was an abusive asshole. not a father. wish we all lived in a perfect world.

American - posted on 09/20/2014

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Yes corporal punishment is legal where I live and no I don't allow it. I was beat daily as a child so no need to define that for me. would much rather have had whipping than a beating. I don't appreciate the attack on my choice of parenting styles as none of it is true.I have three wonderful children that trust and love me and they are all educated on what responiabilty comes with having sex. I agree that the child was to old to be whipped. not my fault some of you live in different parts of the world.

Michelle - posted on 09/20/2014

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I have no idea where you live American Woman but corporal punishment has been banned in our (Australian) schools for many years. As far as I understand MOST of the world don't allow corporal punishment in schools as it's ABUSE!!!
Children over 4 can understand being told how they have done the wrong thing. There is no need for spankings, whippings, etc.

Jodi - posted on 09/19/2014

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Oh, and just for the record:

Official definition of WHIPPING: a thrashing or beating with a whip or similar implement.

Official definition of BEATING: a punishment or assault in which the victim is hit repeatedly.

Both sounding like assault and abuse to me.

Good for you if you can justify doing any of this to a child, who is generally smaller and weaker than you.

Official definition of BULLY: a person who uses strength or influence to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.

Jodi - posted on 09/19/2014

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Anyone who believes whipping, hitting, spanking a 14 year old child is a solution needs more tools in their toolbox. It is absolutely unnecessary, and is actually a part of what leads to the psychological trauma that leads to early sex. Learn to communicate with your child. They are a young adult, they deserve to be treated like one. Yes, they will make bad choices sometimes, just as I'm sure we all have. They don't deserve to beaten because of that. They deserve a discussion, understanding (we were all young once too) and consequences, but make them logical. Hotting people is not ok. If that child was 4 years older, her father would be in jail for assault.

Dove - posted on 09/19/2014

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Shawnn... whacking a kid is still legal in (I think?) 19 states in the US. Ludicrous in my mind, but thankfully I don't live in one of those states.... I actually just found that out a month or so ago from a Facebook discussion.

Dove - posted on 09/19/2014

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I just read to where a whipping and a beating are different.... NOT. The girl is 14... way too old to be spanked for anything and whipped or beaten is wrong no matter how old the kid is.....

Perhaps the reason this child was off w/ her boyfriend has a lot to do w/ the treatment she gets at home... Not that it is ok to ditch school or have sex (or even have a boyfriend at 14), but maybe she's just looking for love cuz she doesn't get it at home...

Those are my initial thoughts from reading the OP, at least.

Hopefully DSS will help you all to become a functional family and get your daughter the therapy and guidance that she needs.

Alex - posted on 09/19/2014

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Corporal Punishment is only implicated by county, but banned by most whole states.

Corporal Punishment has been proven to cause severe psychological damage as well as sustained fear in children that eventually develop into irresponsible adults. (clinical study, Yale law 2005)

Providing education for children about sexually transmitted disease, pregnancy, hormone imbalances, infection, and emotional trauma (all of which are caused by sex) is absolutely crucial. However, assuming that it WILL happen or "most likely" happen is a very defeatist point of view. It sounds to me like American Woman, (and by no offense to you AT ALL, Miss. I am merely pointing out an observation..this is a completely non bias opinion) may not have all of the tools necessary to effectively communicate the boundaries that a young child should have. With that being said, she is also entitled to her own standards. What she may feel is appropriate may or may not conform to societal standards. Which the same goes to the original post.

As far as having sex young...

I lost my virginity when I was 13 years old. My mother didn't even KNOW I was having sex. I did not get pregnant. I do have a child, and I am a young mother, however, I am also extremely responsible, I work in a high paying position in a reputable company and I am in a position that I may have children without suffering the same repercussions as most women my age.

With that being said, I would be more CONCERNED that my daughter had sex at such a young age....because I know why I did. I wanted someone to love me. My parents said they did..they were always on my ass about homework and doing the right thing...but I needed more than that. I needed an emotional connection to someone. So, I had sex with a boy...I was VERY disappointed that I had sex. He was 18, a senior..and I didn't even know his name until the next day...I was mortified with myself and I felt even worse that I never saw him again...I looked into something that I thought was truly the answer..
...and MAYBE...her daughter feels the same way.

Instead of raging on a child for making a conscious decision about THEIR life...ask questions..embrace them..support them through their VERY delicate life...considering her tender age, she may have just felt the same way I did.

The reason my mom didn't know that I was having sex...was because she didn't ask..she didn't care to..and I needed someone to care...

Francine, maybe she needed a hug..not a whoopin. Maybe she needed a warm heart because she was confused (which is PERFECTLY normal)...not someone shouting and physically harming her.. Maybe she needed LOVE ...not violence..and yes...regardless of how hard you spank, a spanken is a spanken ...and it is violent.

These are ONLY my two cents...I don't want to be hounded for providing my opinion..if you agree...fantastic...if you don't, fantastic...

I have provided some very personal information ONLY as insight into scenarios that could happen to others...and by even the most minimal chance that she is going through the same thing that I had gone through...the girl needs a damn hug.

American - posted on 09/19/2014

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You obviously have no idea what your talking about. corpral punishment is still used in schools as I sign every year. research would do you well. I was raised being abused and was able to raise my kids with spanking and never crossed the line. I am assure you there is no license for sex just reality that in can and will most likely happen. Wish I lived in your world where all is great. The fact of the matter is your old and kids today are dealing with it in their face all the time. Times change my dear and you should keep your opinion of my kids to yourself unless asked. Good day Ms.Shawnn

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/19/2014

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I picked my switch many a time as a child, but once I hit an age where I could understand simple spoken words (I think that's usually around 3-4 for the average kid), the switchings stopped and the talking began. Except in my mother's case, which was to continue to abuse...Furthermore, schools USED to be able to paddle, but corporal punishment in schools has been gone since the EARLY 1980's.

So...no double standard, but looks like some blatant misunderstanding! Perhaps one should educate themselves on just exactly what constitutes discipline vs. abuse in the 21st century!

And, I do hope that your kids DO turn out well, but with you giving them the license to have sex, as well as believing that they will 'no matter what'...I've never seen that turn out well! Just my experience, and my opinion. As I said, good luck with that :-)

American - posted on 09/19/2014

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Not sure about NFL player but I have been whipped with switch and if the schools can use a wooden paddle to whip then what is wrong with a switch. Double standard I think. Just saying!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/19/2014

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Good luck with that license to have sex attitude ;-) Since my kids are grown, and I STILL don't have grandkids, I'll see how yours do a few years down the road.

American - posted on 09/19/2014

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I am not a grandma and don't plan on it any time soon. Good for you and your kids but the fact is it happens and those of you that choose to ignore or deny that are the ones who end up with grandkids. I talk to mine all the time and purchase condoms. When my daughter becomes sexually. active I will supply birth control. Reality sucks!

American - posted on 09/19/2014

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There is a HUGE difference in beating and whipping. She stated severe whipping not severe beating. I think fourteen is a little old for a whipping but that is my opinion. Teenagers are going to have sex, it is going to happen and all we can do is educate. them. I hope you can get itall worked out and put your family back together. She would be on birth control though. I would have asked him and his parents over to discuss this and a good old fashioned grounding. No tv,phone,or contact for a couple weeks and there would be no more games without parental champagne for sure. Hope it all works out rest. Just love her and support het the best you can and don't turn your back on your husband,he did what he did and you can't. change that.

Alex - posted on 09/19/2014

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Do what you would have wanted your mother to do for you, in that situation. Try to remember back...had you ever gotten into trouble with your parents? How was it resolved, or was it resolved at all??
Try to think back and remember what you WISH they would have done...

Maybe she is troubled...maybe shes scared...maybe its a cry for attention...she could be peer pressured....it could be that he is pressuring her....regardless of the WHAT, you need to get down to the WHY. ...and she is right...Protect your daughter. She is 14 years old....corporal punishment should have stopped after she learned to speak and understand consequences..

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/18/2014

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semantics. Whipping is beating. Beating is abusing. If one cannot verbalize with their FOURTEEN YEAR OLD, perhaps one needs to learn some better methods of appropriate discipline.

Like I said, the girl was wrong. Dead wrong in what she chose to do. However, the solution chosen shouldn't have been a beating. It should have involved conversation, and consequences, rather than judgment without thought. Now child services is involved, and perhaps this family (dad in particular) will be able to learn some more constructive methods.

Lori - posted on 09/18/2014

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severely beaten and getting a severe "whipping" are two different things - at least where I come from.
i have a feeling her boyfriend comes into play in all this too.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/16/2014

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wow, harsh, much Ms. Matthews?

The child was severely beaten, by the mother's admission. That's not discipline, that's abuse, and the child was right to report it.

Lori - posted on 09/16/2014

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who called dss? if your daughter called, as far as I would be concerned...let her go away. obviously she thinks she is old enough...so let her be.
I always told my kids (and I never hit them EVER) that if they ever called social services because they were mad...I would let social services take them.

Ev - posted on 09/16/2014

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I guess you will have to deal with what happens with DSS and court and foster care. The thing is depending on the state you live in; your husband's whipping of your daughter could be just enough to take her away from you as it would be considered abuse. If your daughter is scared he will do this again, they will listen to her. And when you say whipping what did he actually do to her? She did not do the right thing as far as running off with her BF during school hours. But was whipping her the correct method to get your point across? And why did you not make sure that he did not hurt her or scare her so much?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/16/2014

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Well, first of all, your husband shouldn't have beat your daughter. I don't blame her for not wanting to come home, if he can't find a more mature way of handling himself.

No, she shouldn't have ditched school to have sex on the playing field, but she did. Address that with her, in your counseling sessions. Find out why she made that choice, and how she feels about that. Ask her why she doesn't see anything wrong in her actions, and explain why they were inappropriate in terms of her age, the location, etc.

Hopefully CPS is also helping her address her inappropriate sexual behaviour while taking steps to make sure that your husband does not lose control again. I wouldn't be surprised if parenting classes weren't in his future...

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