My daughter is 17 years old and has a baby son who is 3 months old. How do I parent her now that SHE'S a parent herself????

Debbie - posted on 05/17/2014 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My daughter gave birth to her son last February...she turned 17 in March. Her and the father are still together (he's 19, will be 20 in August). He lives with his older sister and her family, but is at our home and spends the night every night. I've allowed this to happen simply because I want the bonding to be there with their son...and for him to help parent. He hasn't missed but just 2 nights since the baby came home on March 31 ( he was premature).

My daughter is still in high school, almost finished with her junior year. She will be a senior next year, and does plan on going to college. For the most part, she is doing a great job as a new, YOUNG mother. The problem is, she doesn't feel she should have a curfew now. I've told her to be home week nights by 11. Friday and Saturday by 1 am. It's now 2:30 am and she still isn't home. She's at her boyfriends home playing video games with his young cousins. Her stance is that what is the big deal? I know where she is and it's not like she's out running around. My point is, i gave her a time to be in. She doesn't bother calling me to let me know what's going on, or to ask if she can stay longer. She just does what she wants.

I'm debating whether or not to shut down her phone as far as texting and data is concerned...for punishment.

What sort of discipline is appropriate for a 17 year old mother????

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Robert - posted on 05/19/2014

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Debbie, if you don't like people's advice.. Don't ask for it.. Lol. You defend every decision your daughter makes but ask what you can do to punish her. Literally there is nothing you can if you defend every decision she makes. Get a life.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/19/2014

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Well, she's living in your home, and she's got a kid. Regardless of whether or not she WANTS to run around and play video games all night, she's got other responsibilities.

Calmly explain to her that the house rules still stand, and that she needs to adhere to curfew, if only to make sure that she and baby are getting enough rest. It's hard enough to be a teen mom, and when you add in schooling on top of feedings/changings/interactions, etc, she'll be exhausted.

Or you could let her hit the total exhaustion stage, and then explain that is the reason for curfew.

Dawn - posted on 05/18/2014

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When you become a mom, its time to settle down and act like a mom. They chose to have a baby. That baby needs her parents attention. I like the saying "You make your bed you lay in it". She needs to realize this.

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Debbie - posted on 05/26/2014

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Robert, you actually gave no clear advice at all. You said, "make them grow up and stop enabling them"...not very clear advice at all. That was merely an attack on me. I am not defending her actions, as you put it. I am defending against your false accusations about her having sex without using contraceptives, and me "allowing" her to continue behavior that got her in her situation to begin with...which I'm assuming you meant her having sex. THAT is what I was defending.

So, YES, I do want advice. But, obviously you're a man who just likes to attack women, instead of actually giving advice. Good for you.

Debbie - posted on 05/26/2014

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I actually blocked the wifi in our home, blocked access to our computer, blocked data and texting on her iphone, blocked her ability to make phone calls to only those that I put on trusted list. When not at home she can pick-up wifi, but while at home...especially when her boyfriend is working...they cannot text. If they actually need to talk there's the house phone. I put that in place for a week, but I'm extending it because she was late getting home again last night.

Last week, the blocking of going on our computer wasn't working because she had to go online to finish her school work for the year. So, I know her and boyfriend made contact through facebook during the day....which made it tolerable for her. This week though, she won't have that access. Hopefully, it will make it even more miserable for her...thereby making her realize it's not worth coming home late.

Jodi - posted on 05/23/2014

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Ah, Hannah. I am not the ignorant one. As Shawnn so kindly pointed out, she has not used the terms interchangeably. She is wondering how to discipline and "debating" taking the phone as punishment.

Did you only come on to this post to hurl abuse at me, or did you actually have something to contribute to the OP?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/23/2014

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Hannah, what was the point of that? the OP was being needlessly attacked by some stupid male that thinks he knows everything about parenting, even though he doesn't have the comprehension skills to see that MEN aren't allowed on this site.

Jodi nicely pointed out that the OP is asking what she can do for discipline, and that discipline and punishment are two different things.

You basically bashed her for explaining something. Way to go.

She said SHE'S DEBATING PUNISHMENT, and asked what appropriate discipline would be in this situation. She DID NOT USE IT INTERCHANGEABLY.

Can you make a positive contribution to the discussion, or just continue with personal attacks?

Jodi - posted on 05/19/2014

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Actually, Debbie didn't ask what punishment, she asked what discipline. They are entirely different things.

Debbie - posted on 05/19/2014

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Enabling them? Make them "grow up"? So full of advice and opinions. First you assumed they were not using contraceptives...now you assume I'm enabling them. Until she is 18, she IS MY LEGAL responsibility in the state that i live in..whether she has 1 baby or 6.

You really have your head in the clouds if you honestly believe that a parent can, without a doubt, control whether or not their teen children decide to have sex. Ridiculous thinking. They are not locked in a cage. They do leave the house to go to school. Where there's a will, there's a way!!!

Robert - posted on 05/18/2014

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It's your problem now, not mine, so be as ignorant as you want. When you have sex you have to expect to have children and when your 16/17 you are unable to take care of the children in the first place, so keep enabling them to keep making the same mistakes that got them here in the first place.

Debbie - posted on 05/18/2014

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Not a fool. My daughter was on birth control pills. She began taking a medication for migraines which made the birth control ineffective. They were also using condoms from planned parenthood...twice the condom broke.

Maybe you should think before you make assumptions about a parent, or before you know all the facts so YOU aren't the fool.

Robert - posted on 05/18/2014

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You're a fool... They were old enough to have sex without being smart enough to use contraceptives and you still allow them to act like children. Make them grow up and stop enabling them.

Debbie - posted on 05/17/2014

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Actually, both her and the father have no problem in taking baby with them. I've actually offered to watch him so that he isn't out so late, but they really want him with them. They take him when they go out to eat, to the mall...even to go bowling!! On one hand it is really great that they want their son with them. But on the other, baby isn't home in his crib until late. My daughter's opinion is that he doesn't realize it right now and that he sleeps all the time. Neither of them "party"...they just go out and do things. I've told her home by 11 pm on school nights, and 1 am on Friday and Saturday. I thought that was reasonable.

Tonight for example, she wanted to go with boyfriend to his friends place, which is 50 miles away. Because of her not being in on time for the past week, I told her she wasn't going. Well....she went anyways!!! It's now 1:30 am and she still isn't home.

I've gone through a lot with her...especially when she was 13 - 15. Lots of police reports of her leaving home without permission. I had the law on my side then. Now, with her having a baby of her own, and being 10 months away from turning 18...I don't know whether the police would even back me up if I reported her leaving home without permission.

Ev - posted on 05/17/2014

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I got a niece who is older than this girl and has had a baby with a young man who for a long while was not working. Both were not in fact working at the time we found out she was going to be having a baby. Now that baby is here she still thinks that when something comes along that is fun and she wants to go to it she is waiting to see if anyone goes then decides she is to. What she is not thinking about is who is taking care of baby for her to do this. She also thinks that her boyfriend should be the one working to support both her and the baby. She expects everyone else to give her the funds to go do things that are fun. Her mother still goes once a week at 50 miles round trip to get her to bring her to town for whatever is going on. And then another 50 miles round trip to take her back. This does not include her going places in between being picked up and taken home. She seems to think that she should be in on every little thing going on. I love her and my great nephew but she needs to realize that she can not do every little thing and my sis needs to quit enabling her by taking her to see all her friends with babies and for fun. If its for a doc visit or needs for the baby that is one thing but just because she wants to run is another and should not be done.

Point is this girl maybe great student and all but she is not taking her responsiblities if she is running over to the BF's house to play video games and not return to care for her child if you have the baby.

Jodi - posted on 05/17/2014

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I was wondering where the baby is too. This isn't really responsible behaviour, whether the baby is with her or with you. Either way, she needs to establish routine and stability for her baby. THAT is the big deal.

Michelle - posted on 05/17/2014

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Is she leaving you to look after the baby or taking him with her? If you are being left to babysit then you have every right to be getting upset with her not coming home. She should be a parent over partying with her friends. I think you need to let her know that she has responsibilities now that are more important than her friends.
If she has plans to go out, make sure you let her know that you are going out as well and can't babysit. If she can't find anyone else then she has to stay home.
You also have every right to take her phone and internet away. She is still living in your house and has to live with your rules. Even if she wasn't a Mother you would be enforcing rules, there's no difference.

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