My daughter is an uninvolved parent

Kathy - posted on 06/08/2015 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Along with being a narcissist, my daughter is an uninvolved parent. This means she is emotionally distant from her child, offers little to no supervision, she show little warmth, love or affection toward her child, makes the child care for herself, (i.e. even Makes the child diaper herself, shower herself, fend for herself on as many levels as possible, and shows no care or emotion when the child gets hurt) My grand daughter is just 2 1/2 and there is another one on the way. I am sick about this situation and wonder if any of you out there have a child that is an uninvolved parent? It can be extremely detrimental the the children of the uninvolved parent.

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Vldenton1 - posted on 12/17/2016

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Ev
My thoughts are with you. If she is just lazy, what can you do. Just catch the children when she falls and love them. Eventually it will come to a head. My daughter has no children so therefore judges and blames me for everything negative. Take
care, your grandchildren will need you very much as time goes on.

Ev - posted on 12/17/2016

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Victoria--it is plain simple laziness on the daugher's part for not taking care of her child.

Vldenton1 - posted on 12/16/2016

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This sounds like autism. My sister is very much like this. The weird thing is when the children grow up they are very capable but different also. They never notice anything till they are parents themselves.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/09/2015

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I honestly cannot see how you are 'seeing' all of these things on a daily basis, face time or not.

As we've said, if you feel there are concerns enough to warrant a visit, CALL CPS.

Raye - posted on 06/09/2015

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A CPS investigation usually begins within 24 hours (so the offender can't change the living conditions) and usually includes:
Face-to-face interviews with the alleged child victim(s), the child's caretaker(s), and/or the alleged perpetrator(s).
Viewing the family's home.
Reviewing any necessary documents, such as police reports, criminal history, medical reports, school reports, CPS case file, etc.
Interviewing neighbors, friends, relatives or professionals that have had contact with the family (to corroborate the reported circumstances).
An assessment of the child's safety.
An assessment of the child's future risk of abuse and/or neglect.
An assessment of the family's needs and strengths.


CPS investigator considers the following factors during the investigation:
Are there alternative explanations to the allegations?
What are the family dynamics and family circumstances?
Who is making the complaint?
Is there corroborating evidence? (For example, witness statements, findings during a home visit, etc.)
Should there be a medical exam of the child?
Does the child have an injury? If so:
. . . . . What is the explanation of the injury?
. . . . . Is that explanation feasible?
. . . . . Where is the injury located?
. . . . . Is there more than one injury at different stages of healing?
What is the condition of the home? (For example, cleanliness, safety hazards, etc.)
What is the condition of the child? (For example, appropriately dressed, cleanliness, etc.)
Are the child's basic needs being met?
Is there adequate supervision?
Are the caretakers emotionally/mentally abusing the child?


Based on the review of the above factors, CPS must determine if there is a preponderance of evidence of child abuse or neglect. Preponderance of evidence means evidence which is of greater weight or more convincing than evidence which is offered in opposition to it; a 51% likelihood that abuse or neglect occurred.

If necessary to ensure a child's safety, CPS may file a petition with the court requesting that the court order any of the following:
The family to cooperate with in-home services.
Removal of the perpetrator from the home.
Removal of the child from the home.

CPS cannot remove a child from the home without a court order. The court may deny the petition, including the request for removal.

Prior to making the decision to request that the court order removal of a child, the following is assessed:
Is the child at imminent risk of harm?
How does the caretaker view the situation?
Is the caretaker cooperative?
Is the caretaker asking for help?
Is the caretaker capable of change?
Are there alternatives to removal?
Are there immediate services that can be put in place to keep the child safe in the home? Can arrangements be made for the child until those services case be put in place?
Will the perpetrator leave the home?
Can court orders be put in place that would keep the child safe?


You do not need proof that child abuse or neglect has occurred before you call CPS. However, you do need to have a reasonable suspicion. When you call, a CPS staff member will ask you to explain the information and circumstances that caused your suspicion. CPS will ask you about the child, the child’s family or persons legally responsible for the child and the circumstances in which you believe abuse or neglect took place. CPS needs this information in order to register a report. "Registering" a report means that CPS has enough information to follow up with the family and begin an investigation. If all of the necessary information is not available when you call, CPS cannot register the report and may make other recommendations.

Kathy - posted on 06/09/2015

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Hi Shawnn. She taught her, from the couch, to undo her diaper, poop and pee, and put it in the garbage and to get a wipe and wipe herself. We both know that a 2 1/2 year old cannot sufficiently wipe themselves, so she goes around stinky. Now she uses pull-ups to make it easier. As for the shower? They stand her under the water, let her play for a bit and then take her out. There's no washing or soap involved. The shower is marble so it can be slippery. I ask my daughter to hold the baby's hand when getting out and she tells me "she'll be fine". Really? Wet marble and she'll be fine?? There is no soap involved. I mention soap to my daughter and she says "she'll be ok". Her hair never gets washed. Anyway, I must decompress. My blood pressure is going up! Thanks for listening.

Kathy - posted on 06/09/2015

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I know because I FaceTime with my daughter about 5 times a day. I can get a good feel for what's going on. If you knew the background of a narcissist and put that together with her lack of parenting skills you can see what is happening. I'm her mother and I know her better than anyone. The story goes much deeper than I can relate on here but my biggest concern is for my grand daughter. I face timed her about an hour ago....once again, the child was with no clothes on in bed with her mother because her mother cannot get out of bed. She parents from the sofa or the bed. This little girl needs playtime, structure and love. None of which she gets. Neither get dressed all day nor do they have their hair combed or face and hands washed. This is because it is too much work for my daughter. If they have to go out, they get dressed and then back in the pajamas for my daughter and in bed and naked for my grand daughter and in bed. I keep looking for info on why someone doesn't get out of bed and I only see depression. My daughter doesn't seem depressed but she creates quite a fantasy world for herself. Part of being a narcissist. I could write about 10 pages, easily on what I see that's not even close to normal living.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/09/2015

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So...if you don't even live anywhere CLOSE, how can you say, with no doubts, that these activities are occurring?

Do NOT make assumptions.

Cutemommy - posted on 06/09/2015

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So you live in another state but yet you know exactly what your daughter does every single day. To be honest I think you are making assumptions, how do you know your daughter isn't hugging and kissing that baby right now? you are not in their intimate moments you don't know.

Raye - posted on 06/09/2015

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It's up to you, Kathy. You asked what you could do, and you were told by several people to call CPS. Can you say with certainty that they would find no fault? Would you feel better having tried to do something versus letting it continue as-is? Again, it's up to you, and you certainly have the right to do nothing if that's what you feel is best.

Kathy - posted on 06/09/2015

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Raye, if you think about it what can CPS do? So I say to them....my daughter doesn't care about the child's safety....she makes her change her own diaper, she locks her in her room, she has no empathy or sympathy when she gets hurt. What can CPS do? They can't live with her to see these things for themselves. Unless I can prove neglect I have a feeling I'm up a creek. Someone can probably go to the home to see if it is safe for the child and by CPS standards it probably is. It's a very sticky situation. The child gets fed, shelter and clothing. That's really all CPS cares about.

Raye - posted on 06/09/2015

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Kathy, if those kids are being neglected, and you don't call CPS, then you are as guilty as your daughter. It is a social responsibility not to turn a blind eye. You have concerns, so you should have them investigated. Could you live with yourself if that child died and you did nothing?

Kathy - posted on 06/08/2015

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The father is in the picture and of no help. He believes his only job is to discipline. I am concerned that this child will get seriously hurt some day as my daughter has little concern for her. My daughter lives either in bed or on the sofa. She won't cook, clean or interact with my grand daughter. She doesn't recognize if she gets hurt and brushes it off telling my grand baby that she will be ok. My grand baby gets fast food morning, noon and night. She is not kept clean or dressed. When my grand daughter takes her hand to have her help,with something my daughter tells,her it's time for bed,,then she locks her in her room. Honestly, this is only the tip of the iceberg and I believe nothing is actionable by protective services. I live in another state and planned it that way. My daughter ruins everything and everyone she has contact with. She cannot hold down a job. Too lazy to work. She also takes care of another 8 month old,baby! I am beside myself with this but have seen counsellors and am told there is nothing I can do. My daughter thinks she's a great mom and has a perfect life. There's no talking to a narcissist.....I've tried. I must somehow get inner peace and move on with my life. I think this is out of my control.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/08/2015

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REally? She's taught a 2.5 YO how to diaper and shower herself? That actually would take an amazing amount of attention.
If you feel that your grandchild is being neglected, or harmed in any way, call child protective services.

Raye - posted on 06/08/2015

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Is the child(ren)'s father(s) in the picture at all? If you are seriously concerned for the child(ren)'s welfare, then call Child Protective Services. They will investigate and determine if she is fit for the child(ren) to remain in her custody.

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