My Daughter is being increasingly disrespectful and a few patts isnt cutting it. Should i use a belt?

Jennifer - posted on 06/27/2013 ( 210 moms have responded )

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My Daughter is being increasingly disrespectful and a few patts isnt cutting it. Should i use a belt?

Yes 8% (33 votes)

No 81% (321 votes)

Regular Spanking 11% (43 votes)

397 Total Votes

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Tiffamy - posted on 07/02/2013

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Omgoshhhh thats whats wrong with society! Yall need to whoop these kids tale
My parents used the belt they didnt abuse me. If you had talked to the child, punished them, took things aways whoop them. Thats why these kids going around blowing stuff up amd killing people. All the people telling you not to use the belt kids probably dont listen to them. Just because you use a belt doesnt mean you are abusing them. My Chils will RESPECT me. I work hard everyday to take care of child making aure they havw what they need and I'd be you know what if they turn around and disrespect me. The God Lord himself said "Spare the rod spoil the child!"

Amber - posted on 06/28/2013

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16 is such a tough age!! My 15 year old is by no means an angel, but I have always been a parent who can't and won't tolerate disrespect. I work too hard alongside my husband to feed, clothe, and take care of my child to put up with it!

Unfortunately if you don't start early, it's hard to break the cycle-not that you can't-it just makes it more difficult. Boundaries are important. For instance, she is your child and you are her parent. There can be no blurred lines there. You can't be her friend. You can't set clear boundaries as her friend, because she will never honor them.

Consistence is another key. Call her on her disrespect each and every time. Kids will push as far as they can go. Let her slip and you start back at square one. Also be consistent with consequences (loss of privilege, extra chores, stay home if she originally had plans, etc...). Sorry to quote Dr Phil, but she "needs to know with absolute certainty what the consequence for her actions will be."

Positive reinforcement is another key to success. When she does something without being disrespectful tell her you're proud of her behavior. Also say things to her in a way you would like them said to you. Ask her politely to do something such as a chore using please and thank her when the task is complete. Sometimes it's about treating her with the same respect you want for yourself. We as parents tend to forget that our kids are people too. We sometimes just tell them to do something rather than ask. Even though we try to instill values in our children, the only way they learn is by example.

Sit down with your daughter at least once a day for a little girl talk. Let her unload her day to you and allow her to do all the talking. Really listen to her without trying to solve the issue for her or judge how she dealt with a specific situation. She is learning coping mechanisms at this stage so she needs to feel like she can handle things (age appropriate problems that aren't life or death) on her own. Interject your opinion if she asks for it. If she begins to trust that you won't rush to judgement, she will open up to you more and eventually want your opinion.

Take special time out of the week just for the two of you as well. It can be something outside the home or something as simple as a card game. It doesn't have to be contrived or pre-planned. It could be driving somewhere with no destination in mind.

Be good to each other. Allow her to see your consideration for others. If my husband makes me a plate of food I thank him openly. I also thank him if he's taken my daughter and I somewhere. A show of appreciation even for what seems like minor things can open her eyes to the fact that you aren't asking her to do anything you don't already do.

Finally, make the clear distinction it's the behavior you don't like, but you will always love her no matter what. Too many times parents unintentionally demonize their children by pointing out flaws that don't distinguish the behavior from the child.

Sarah - posted on 06/28/2013

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There is a ton of research on corporal punishment vs other forms of punishment, and the studies consistently support what you are reporting and, additionally, find that corporal punishment is no more effective for any reason than any other disciplinary method that is used consistently. The problem is that no disciplinary method works every time with every child, so parents who practice corporal punishment and have a child who may not respond well find themselves escalating the violence (which, let's face it, whether you are doing it for teaching or out of anger, hitting a child for any reason is a form of violence. You may feel it is justified, but it is still hitting, which is still violence. I was spanked, too, and it is still violence.). When using corporal punishment with children who are "resistant" to its effects, parents are at much greater risk of abusing their kids. Just take it off the table completely, would be my recommendation. Don't use it at all and focus instead on modeling what you value in relationships. If your child is disrespectful, model respectful communication and link any consequence to her behavior. Also, if your child is old enough to have a phone, she is probably too old to be spanked. Studies have also consistently found that children younger than two and older than twelve who are spanked are at much, much greater risk for behavioral and other problems and particularly for problems in their relationships with their parents and other authority figures.
Good luck to you. Parenting is the hardest thing in the world and doing it alone and particularly if you have people around you chiming in can be SO much harder, but it sounds like you are at a point with your daughter where the relationship needs to be the focus and not the intensity of the discipline.

Jessica - posted on 07/02/2013

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When I was little I got spanked with a belt and I turned out fine and my parents didn't use the belt to abuse me they used it to discipline me.I still have a great and healthy relationship with my parents. If you have tried talking, grounding, taking away privileges, time outs and any other alternatives that you can think of and it still doesn't work then I would think it would be ok, Just remember when you spank a child your not spanking to hurt them, just a little spank enough to hurt her feelings so that she knows what she did is wrong or bad won't hurt her. If you still don't want to resort to spanking and all other alternatives have failed then you could try talking to a counselor or something maybe they can help you to find out why her attitude has been changing. well I wish you the best of luck.

Shannon - posted on 07/02/2013

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I am a victim of childhood belt-spankings. Please don't do that to your child. People respect those they love, NOT those they fear. I almost cried when I saw your post, as the memories of fear, resentment, confusion, and shock came flooding back.

In college, I often had anxiety attacks upon hearing the sound of a cracking belt, a car pulling into a driveway (daddy's home), or seeing a missed call from my father. Please don't frighten your child into obedience or respect. When (not if) she reaches her breaking point, she will run as hard and as far as she can.

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GLADYS - posted on 07/03/2013

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hi, I think we have same issue, my son is also learn to answer me back when I doin a sermon on him and yells me also when I started to explain about the bad things he made. Seems he irritated everytime I told him abiut what he did...

Its hard to correct a child especially my son doesn't afraid of me and also Im a single mom. So. In absence of his Father, who suoposely do & act as a disciplinarian to my Kid, I have to all those things...Mostly, my patient lost and also able to lost my temper. Then , after that I feel guilt being a mother its hard for me to that to my son...

Now, I reall what to control my temper as far as possible as I can, But I see to it I will not tolerate the wrong thing but the corrective action is still not being sacrifice.

Jodi - posted on 07/02/2013

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Locking this thread. Sorry, too many people reporting too many posts and I don't have time right now to go through it and remove personal attacks.

Tanya - posted on 07/02/2013

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Sounds to me like you need some support and help. Kids will always push the boundaries, if you resort to punishment like this she will not respect you. Do you have any family to help you? If so I would suggest spending some quality time alone with her, just doing something fun. Get to know her, on her level. She is much more likely to listen to you if she is close to you and not just seeing you as the mother who dishes out punishment, kids feel closer and respect you more they are more likely to stop and listen to what you have to say. Just my opinion but sounds like you need some time out and support. Good luck and I hope you don't have to resort to such a harsh punishment.

Barbara - posted on 07/02/2013

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abusive way 2 handle things you can have your kids taken away from you for being abusive you need professional help

TealRose - posted on 07/02/2013

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Hitting another person doesn't solve anything it just makes the situation worse. No one needs to be hit whether a year old or a hundred years old. No one needs to be 'patted' either.... it's still called hitting.

How old is your little one ? Disrespectful? As in how ? You can't hit /pat a child [which is disrespectful] and then expect her to show you respect. You have to demonstrate what you want your children to emulate. I am sure too you would rather have your child do the right thing, be polite etc not out of fear but out of TRUE respect and understanding.

Please ... take the time to find out what is happening in her life - and if this 'disrespect' is what you call 'answering back' think of it this way ... she is trying to find out about life, she is trying to find what is and isn't right. A few words of 'back chat' or 'disrespect' are not to be worried about. Just tell her that you don't appreciate that type of language and neither would she if you used rudeness on her either, and turn away. She will soon learn that trying to 'wind you up' and be disrespectful gets her nowhere and it wont' be fun anymore.

Respect not thumps and definitley NOT the belt !!!

Jessica - posted on 07/02/2013

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I want to know her age. Reason being that there are levels of punishment. My kids 9 (boy) 4 (girl) absolutly hate the corner. The corner makes my 9yr old feel like a child and the four yr old like it's the end of the world. Understanding is the key though. Us moms wear so many hats, magician is one of them! (BARE WITH ME) Young ones "don't get it" they feel justified when doing something that is wrong. Working that momma charm (magic) sticking to the basics (what is disrespect, putting her in your shoes, asking her how she would she feel if someone else did the same thing to you.) Finally sticking to your guns aka ( I love u dearly however I will not tolerate your disrespect. PERIOD. So if u have to use the corner, excess cleaning, writing 200x I will not...ect or a poppin, we as moms know the limits. Or at least we should. Hope all goes well. Peace

Chana - posted on 07/02/2013

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i dont think that hitting is effective in teaching respect. treat those around you and her with respect and when she is disrespectful do time out or take away privileges- instantly. consequences are crucial at any age-my 2 year old daughter responds to that. she was climbing the bouncer-which she is too heavy for-we put her in her room-she stopped doing it. she bites, we move away from her. she hits-we never hit back because that doesnt teach her anything except big people can hurt little people.

Sandy - posted on 07/02/2013

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Hey. Hang in there. Its not easy. But if you give yourself a chance, I'm sure you will figure out other ways. Hugs.

Sylvia - posted on 07/02/2013

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It sounds like you are violent Sit down with her and try to understand why she is acting the way she is. Abuse never solves anything. My husband was hit with a belt now years later they still don't speak. If you want a mother and daughter relationship walk and talk with her. My mother was also hit with a belt and she grew to dislike and fear her mother. That isn't what you want. Remember, children's aid can step in and take your daughter. Then you have to go to court and try to get her back. Seen that happen more than once.

Jessica - posted on 07/02/2013

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If you are already planning on belting your child; good luck when she turns 14. You need to punish her and the best method I have found both as a mother and a teacher is to take away something they hold as valuable. When my eldest was 14 which is a horrible age for girls her key items wer her phone and interet access. With my youngestwho is 5 andrecently went through a disrespectful stage, I set up a plan with her and the third warning meant she went to her bedroom for 5mins an that had to be a calm 5 mins the next incident in the day meant she lost her 30mins of tv that evenibg and following that she lost the right to play with friends the next day. It is working a treat. She has also set up some house rules which involved no yelling and taking time out if someone is in a grumpy mood. My father used a belt on me and my sisters and it certainly didn't inspire respect but made me see him as a monster I couldn't trust, which was unfortunate when I needed him. Hopefully you don't make such a mistake and force your daughter to not come to you when she needs you.

Melissa - posted on 07/02/2013

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No I think that is to harsh, maybe some counsling would do her good, kids have a hard vocalizing there feelings, have her draw a picture about her feelings and maybe you and her will figure out a solution together, hutting a child doesn't do anything but scare them and make them hide more if there feelings, being strick and showing them your in charge and you set the rules, sets limatations for them.

Tradia - posted on 07/02/2013

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@Sandy.....who are you calling disgusting? Because one thing is no matter how I choose to raise my kids, they always come first...ALWAYS!!!! And my husband and love all 4 of our kids unconditionally. So disgusting is you up here with no type of advise just wanna have something to say. My children are in advanced classes play sports happy respectful will do anything for someone. Kids will be kids and that's when its a real parents job to teach their children consequences. Like I said you will discipline how you see fit for your child. Abusers get away with crap all the time.this woman is not an abuser she's trying to teach her child. Whither you agree or not her methods. So you go be disgusting by yourself with your kids.

[deleted account]

Dear Jenifer belt is not the answer to your problem to be always negative is not very helpful Talk to her be calm with your Daughter you can Communicate with a psychologist contact with her school her teachers her friends cooperate with her give her some time to express her opinion about how she feels and what is hurt her so badly. If we always use belt then all the children should be drift away from the Family and it is very painful for all the Family. you are a sweet woman and a caring Mother take a day of go for a peek nick with your family or a vacation spent time with her and always be tender with her and give her a big hug you will see every thing will be better for you and for your sweet Daughter I wish all the best for you Hugs and kiss's Maria Eleni Altai

Gayle - posted on 07/02/2013

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For Nathu:

What a wonderful parent you are. Thank you for your comments. Though I am not the person you are responding to I have gained much insight from your words of wisdom. I always knew I was born in the wrong part of the world! I will re-read you're words from time to time; especially as I need them.

Best Wishes for you and your daughter.

Lisa - posted on 07/02/2013

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I have to ask, kids that behave like this have anger, depression and can even become violent. And Some run away. where is the anger coming from, have you asked her. if you hit her with a belt and she runs away, how will you feel then?

i ask because I did it, I was hit with a belt and I ran way, I would of rather wanted my parents to listen to me, understand me and Love me, yet i felt as if i didnt belong.

there is a underlying root and all of us are trying to help you in our own way, but none of us knows the entire story. I always state that we here 2 sides of a story and the truth lies in the middle.

Lisa

Miranda - posted on 07/02/2013

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No child should have to suffer the psychological trauma of being physically assaulted by their parents. If you stop hurting your children they may just trust you enough to listen to you before you escalate it to abuse. Do you hit your husband when you don't like a behavior he exhibits? Will you allow your children to hit you when they are bigger than you and you need them? So many better questions than "should I use a belt?" don't you think? You are the one being disrespectful.

Caroline - posted on 07/02/2013

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Definitely NO!!! I am 65 years old ,mom used a belt on me and it got out of hand once you start.. If the spakeings haven't worked all the belt will do is cause very much resentment later on and her whole life as I. With all the help moms get today there must be a better way.. To this day I only do for my mom as she is my mom and not happy when I do.. Think about it before you strike. You do want a real mother daughter relationship down the line.. This action of hers must be coming from something. Find the reason and you will find the answer.. God Bless

Samantha - posted on 07/02/2013

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i think u should speak to her not just once but constantly tell her it is wrong...u have to tell her abc and 123 over and over again right? and she gets it so she will eventually get in her head swearing is wrong. but spanking really does no good to no one involved...and if u are swearing the least little bit stop it

Nathu - posted on 07/02/2013

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NO! Not at all. Have you tried reading Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective Famiies? If you have not, then start reading it now. You will find out how to "handle" your daughter.

If she is behaving this way, chances are there are resentment that are bottled up inside her, and she felt no one understands her or her needs, and she is rebelling against you. Steve's book will teach you how to deal with such situation, truly, really.

My daughter is at an age where she does that sometimes. I have started to become more patient and understanding as well. Sometimes she does things which make me or any mum angry, but I have to control my temper and listen to what she has to say, then rather than get angry, I try to let her tell me it. Just this past New Year, before I went to Singapore to see her, we had discussed over the phone about visiting Universal Studios with her cousins. She agreed happily. Then when I got there and after buying the ticket, she texted me that she is not interested in going after all. After taking with and persuading her (when I should have been angry), I realized somethng wasn't right, but she kept insisting that everything was OK. We went and had a good time.

Over the next 2 days, I could see that something was bothering her, but i didnt want to push it. Then during lunch on the 3rd day of Chinese New Year, i didnt want to join the family lunc because there was a guest whom I have no respect for,, My daughter was in the room with me, and she had no appetite either (which was surprising considering the my sister cooked many of her favorite food). Then I stayed in the bedroom with her. I finally ask if she would like to tell me what was going in. Suddenly, she burst into tears and said that her bf broke off with her, that she had slapped him because his mother forbade their seeing each other. I listend to everyting she burst out without comments. She was crying all the time and I just hugged her tightly without saying anything. I just wanted to let her cry a good cry to get it off her chest. It pained me to see her in pain and suffering. Finally when her tears subsided, we talked about it. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend because she knew I was oppposed to her having one until after she graduates from university.

She was afraid to tell me but she had only one other person to tell, my ex's girlfriend. She wanted to tell me but was afraid that I would get so mad and lecture her. Thankfully I didn't. I caution her about the pain and depression she may be facing over the next few months, but encourage her to let time heal her wounds, to let her know that I will be there even though i am not physically there for her. When I left Singapore to go back to Beijing to work I sent her enourageing and funny text mesages to keep her happy or smiling. I know what she is going through because most of us mom have gone to heartbreak before. Her first love ended painfully so she is not likely to forget easily.

As a mother, when our chil(ren) experiences something that hurts them, we need to be understanding and kind then even if we feel liie screaming or anger. If we explode and be accusatory or judgemental instead of being understanding and sympathetic, our child will not confide in us, will steer away from us, and will resent us, We need to show unconditional love in order to gain their confidence in us.

Even now, after 6 months, she is still recovering from it by the fact that she is not doing well in her studies due to these emotional distractions. I am sure she cries at night. So most of my texts are time to get to her before she sleeps or gets up in the morning so she would feel better.

Our support for our child, no matter if they had done something wrong, will decide how our relationship with then wil be. It is like a test to us parents of our ability to love the unconditionally. Words are cheap. Best wishes to you and your daughter.

Nathu - posted on 07/02/2013

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NO! Not at all. Have you tried reading Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective Famiies? If you have not, then start reading it now. You will find out how to "handle" your daughter.

If she is behaving this way, chances are there are resentment that are bottled up inside her, and she felt no one understands her or her needs, and she is rebelling against you. Steve's book will teach you how to deal with such situation, truly, really.

My daughter is at an age where she does that sometimes. I have started to become more patient and understanding as well. Sometimes she does things which make me or any mum angry, but I have to control my temper and listen to what she has to say, then rather than get angry, I try to let her tell me it. Just this past New Year, before I went to Singapore to see her, we had discussed over the phone about visiting Universal Studios with her cousins. She agreed happily. Then when I got there and after buying the ticket, she texted me that she is not interested in going after all. After taking with and persuading her (when I should have been angry), I realized somethng wasn't right, but she kept insisting that everything was OK. We went and had a good time.

Over the next 2 days, I could see that something was bothering her, but i didnt want to push it. Then during lunch on the 3rd day of Chinese New Year, i didnt want to join the family lunc because there was a guest whom I have no respect for,, My daughter was in the room with me, and she had no appetite either (which was surprising considering the my sister cooked many of her favorite food). Then I stayed in the bedroom with her. I finally ask if she would like to tell me what was going in. Suddenly, she burst into tears and said that her bf broke off with her, that she had slapped him because his mother forbade their seeing each other. I listend to everyting she burst out without comments. She was crying all the time and I just hugged her tightly without saying anything. I just wanted to let her cry a good cry to get it off her chest. It pained me to see her in pain and suffering. Finally when her tears subsided, we talked about it. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend because she knew I was oppposed to her having one until after she graduates from university.

She was afraid to tell me but she had only one other person to tell, my ex's girlfriend. She wanted to tell me but was afraid that I would get so mad and lecture her. Thankfully I didn't. I caution her about the pain and depression she may be facing over the next few months, but encourage her to let time heal her wounds, to let her know that I will be there even though i am not physically there for her. When I left Singapore to go back to Beijing to work I sent her enourageing and funny text mesages to keep her happy or smiling. I know what she is going through because most of us mom have gone to heartbreak before. Her first love ended painfully so she is not likely to forget easily.

As a mother, when our chil(ren) experiences something that hurts them, we need to be understanding and kind then even if we feel liie screaming or anger. If we explode and be accusatory or judgemental instead of being understanding and sympathetic, our child will not confide in us, will steer away from us, and will resent us, We need to show unconditional love in order to gain their confidence in us.

Even now, after 6 months, she is still recovering from it by the fact that she is not doing well in her studies due to these emotional distractions. I am sure she cries at night. So most of my texts are time to get to her before she sleeps or gets up in the morning so she would feel better.

Our support for our child, no matter if they had done something wrong, will decide how our relationship with then wil be. It is like a test to us parents of our ability to love the unconditionally. Words are cheap. Best wishes to you and your daughter.

[deleted account]

Now, thinking logically, if a spanking is not cutting it, then a belt would definitely be a huge step in the wrong direction. She is a young woman and a person - whether your child or someone else's. You would hate it if you had a spat with your dad and he took a belt to you due to your opinions. Ok, she is being disrespectful but a lot of that is her being very angry and frustrated and not knowing how to speak to you. If you come at her with aggression then she is going to retaliate with aggression. If most times you spoke to someone and when they did not like what you said or did, they punched/spanked/hit you - wouldn't that be a bit intimidating for you too? First, she has to feel safe with you - safe with speaking her mind and not being punished. Then, she will open up. You cannot the force the petals on a rose or the thoughts of a child, especially if they feel they are ultimately threatened. They will stammer and look to the ground and shrug and shuffle their feet and look for words and then become angry because they feel trapped. Trapped at not being able to say and do what they feel needs to get done. She is trying to find her place in this huge world and looking to you for guidance. The disrespect is another way to scream and yell and wail that she needs help. Please try something else before a belt. I know you are frustrated and as upset as she is. But, if you do use this belt - you might damage your relationship beyond repair. She will remember. What you must remember is that she does love you and did not wake up wondering - how can I piss off Daddy today?

Cassandra - posted on 07/02/2013

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Depending on how old she is I would think that you should stick to giving her more than a few pats by making the spanking harder and on her bare bottom although not extremely red where she is going to have permanent damage you spank her till she is red enough to make an impression on her so that she will stand and admit that she is naughty and know you will not tolerate her behaviour, if she is older than 7 then you give her one for each year of her age with the belt but that is to suggest that as a last resort

Carrie - posted on 07/02/2013

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@ Alexandriay would you respond like that? How old are you? This is a serious question, you sound extremely rude and immature. She needs advice, you are not helping with your comments. Go troll elsewhere.

Ruth - posted on 07/02/2013

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Um, yea in regard to the last post, the government (child protective services) have every right to tell you how to parent your children. Violence is what's wrong with this country. Children need dicipline which includes time outs. Which depending how bad the child is, a time out may take a long time. Hitting a child is never the answer and will not correct behavior, but instead make it worse and cause the child to develope deep phycological problems for years to come.

Camie - posted on 07/02/2013

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I have been a child advocate since 1997, and worked at a family violence agency and shelter since 1999. I can tell you first hand that spanking does not work in the long term. You may have seen in the news that there have been a lot of recent studies that say spanking children is not an effective way to control behavior for several reasons:

- it doesn’t teach children self control or what to do instead;
- it becomes less effective over time; and
- it has long-term, harmful side effects.

I have copied an article that, in my 16 years of experience, I really believe hits the nail on the head with regard to spanking after all the behaviors I have observed in shelter, our agency and as a child advocate. I hope you will take the time to read it and really think about the message:

ONE REASON WHY almost everyone overestimates the effectiveness of spanking is that we have “selective inattention.” We simply do not remember when spanking fails, as it does most of the time, because it contradicts what we want to believe. Partly this is because our culture believes spanking is “normal” and partly because many of us were spanked as children. It is difficult for us as adults to relate our adult problems to childhood spanking or to condemn our parents.

Spanking is not harmless. Many of the harmful side effects of spanking do not show up for several years. In addition, only a small percentage of spanked children experience visually harmful effects. Even infrequent spanking can harm a child’s self-esteem. The most harmful effects include an increased risk of delinquency as a child. The long-term adult effects show up as higher frequencies of crime, spouse abuse, depression, and lower earnings.

Spanking also teaches a child they are a “victim.” The more a child is victimized, the more he or she develops a perception of him/ herself as someone who “deserves” discomfort and suffering. People who view themselves as victims behave in ways that keep them suffering. They make “choices” that repeat the relationships between themselves and their parents. Rejection of pain, suppressed anger, low self-worth, inability to form lasting relationships, and uncontrolled fits of violent anger, are just some of the consequences of childhood victimization. It is not surprising many children who view themselves as victims engage parents and other adults in power struggles, push the limits of reasonable control, test the boundaries, act on the “you can’t make me” philosophy of cooperation, and challenge adult authority until they are victimized again.

Childhood victimization often leads to adult authoritarianism — obsession with order, control and obedience. Both submission to and rebelliousness against authority characterize authoritarianism. It is rooted in violence and coercion. Authoritarianism is usually a form of “order” that is actually a reaction to the hurtful violence that children who are spanked experience, and the rage and hatred that violence creates. Authoritarianism is “order” built upon coercion (i.e., threats, bullying and verbal attacks) rather than consent, upon alienation rather than empathy and love for oneself and for others.

Such efforts at control usually do not achieve the desired order in the long run. The impulses that create authoritarian personalities create violent, aggressive and antisocial feelings and behaviors that seriously impair the trust and respect that are the core of healthy relationships.

Once a child is hit, the memory remains in the brain and body for life. Children who were spanked only once or twice can often remember the pain and shock for years afterward. For children struck frequently, the anticipation of intense pain becomes part of the punishment itself. The anxiety this creates cannot be easily overcome. Recent brain research indicates that high levels of stress or anxiety can actually change the “wiring” of the brain and interfere with learning, thinking and later relationships. This damaging anxiety can also be caused by watching a parent strike another child or by viewing violence on television.

Understanding a child’s anger at being hit is central to understanding the impact of spanking. Anger is a child’s best, and sometimes only, defense. It comes from a powerful and healthy sense of self that is being violated and abused by physical blows or hurtful words. Often, a child will respond with hatred and a powerful desire for revenge. These painful memories are permanently stored in the brain and influence us throughout our lives. When these memories are ignored or forgotten, they are more dangerous than when they are felt and acknowledged.

Another consequence of physical punishment is a limited ability to show compassion and empathy for oneself and others. Apathy and passive modes of aggression are also frequent consequences, all of which contribute to increased chances of depression and suicide. Buried anger is at the core of self-aggression, the most common form of which is depression. Depression is often a delayed response to the suppression of childhood anger that is usually the result of being physically or verbally hurt by adults whom the child loves and on whom the child depends for nurturance and life itself.

Over time, spanking actually makes parenting more difficult because it reduces the ability of parents to influence children, especially in adolescence. Children are more likely to do what parents want when there is a strong bond of affection and trust with the parent. Spanking chips away at this important bond.

Many parents believe that if they don’t spank, children will run wild and be uncontrollable. The alternative to spanking isn’t to ignore misbehavior or to replace spanking with verbal attacks. Many parents already know and use other, non-violent ways of teaching and controlling behavior. In most cases, parents only need the patience to keep on doing what they were doing to correct misbehavior — without the spanking!

Children of non-spanking parents tend to be easy to manage and well-behaved because these parents set clear standards for what is expected, provide lots of love and affection, explain things to the child, and recognize and reward good behavior. Non-spanking parents also pay more attention to their children’s behavior, both good and bad, than parents who spank do. They are CONSISTENT.

Contrary to myth, most parents who spank tend to use it for almost any misbehavior. Many parents spank before trying other methods. Daily spanking is not uncommon, and parents who spank often don’t realize how often they are hitting their children.

Because violence is so common in our culture, many parents believe they need to prepare their children for the violence-filled “real” world by “toughening them up.” So, parents hit children at home to prepare them for the violent world they live in. However, violence in the home is transmitted to the neighborhood. The “real world” would become less violent if violence in the home stopped.

One of the biggest myths about spanking is that it is unrealistic to expect parents to never spank. It is no more unrealistic to expect parents to never hit a child than to expect that men should never hit women. A law prohibiting spanking is unrealistic only because spanking is such an accepted part of American culture.

Red, White and Bruises

Stephen Bavolek states that the role of discipline is to promote “self-control and lasting inner commitment to be a disciplined person. Discipline cannot be forced on another person. Any discipline worth acquiring cannot be beaten into anyone…” His research indicates that hitting teaches children “fear, poor self-concept, feelings of revenge, and the idea that it’s okay to hit those you love.” Even threatening children with harm as a way of controlling behavior can be as detrimental as hitting itself. Children who have been repeatedly threatened or hit:

Develop low self-worth
Fear adults
Feel unloved and unwanted
Exhibit a high degree of anxiety
Struggle with feelings of helplessness
Seek revenge against others
Destroy property and break things belonging to others
Tend to be more aggressive
Learn hitting is a way to deal with anger and frustration

Kathleen - posted on 07/02/2013

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So you are a child abuser - someone who believes hitting and beating is OK. Yep, calling the cops on you!

Autumn Sue - posted on 07/02/2013

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i got spanked with a belt and it taught me good so if she wont stop then i say yes whip out the belt no pun intended. im sorry but a slap on the butt and a time out does not teach our children anything it teaches them that we are soft and they can do what they want because they know we will not give them a good punishment. it may also be an age thing i know my neice was really disrespectful to my sister and we used to slap her mouth. she learned fast that way i dont mean like a full slap to the mouth but like a short smack did the trick for my sister. in the end you are the mom and its your choice how you punish your daughter so i hope she learns that it is not ok to act that way

Diamonique - posted on 07/02/2013

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I was raised and believe in disciplining a child. That is YOUR child you need to do whats best for you. As along it is not intense to the point is leaving marks causing the child to be unconscious do you. You birth that child no one else. So NO ONE has the righted to tell you what to do. I have received spanking with belts and more and I do not fear no commit violent behaviors or act and I've never been locked up and I live a successful productive life. Then people are saying its against the law a lit of things are but you still do it. How can the law tell you how to raise your child they're not in your house they're not going to deal with the consequences nor the disrespect. If I would ever thought about calling the police on my mother or father I would not be here today I will be with the system because she would have packed my bags and let them deal with me.For the person that is trying to dictate what you shouldn't do should be offering you money to take of her. Time out nor taking away stuff works all the time. For the people that never spanked or yelled at their kids I need you to write a book would love to ready it. You should feel dumb as a parent if you allow your child to yell you what to do,cuss oe swear at you, slam doora stomp feet, etc for all that they might as well pop uou up beside youe head foe saying go to time out. Every child is different no child is the alike.

David - posted on 07/02/2013

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h i i single dad i had same problem my daughter is 11ys i the belt really worked fo me message me if you like chat

Anonymous - posted on 07/02/2013

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Have you tried taking something away from her that means a lot to her? I use spanking as a means of punishment as a last resort but I try other punishments first. Kids can be trying and they push the boundaries. Have you been consistent with your punishments or are you giving in too easily?
Try giving an ultimatum first by explaining that she will lose a privilege or a toy or something else meaningful to her. If this doesn't work, then tell her that she will get a spanking. Please, don't use a belt - I was hit with a belt and it was very painful both physically and emotionally. You can also try a counselor who can come up with creative and resourceful ways to curb this behavior.

Good Luck!

Lisa - posted on 07/02/2013

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That is how the older generation dealt with their children. But we are not them, remember how if felt, did you like it. I remember as a child stating that if I had children, i would be different and I was. I have a 23 yr old who is not on the streets, not doing drugs, or drinking, not in a gang, just extremely respectful, compassionate, and still tells me he loves me in front of anyone. I say my raising him was a success. I do lectures on the indigo children and I always tell the parents, they need to raise their children with unconditional love, respect, plenty of communication, don't lie to your child or yell at your child. they can tell if your lying and once you lie, no matter how little a lye, they will begin to look at you as if you are a liar. Listen to them.
todays children are so sensitive to the energy that others put out. my son was lied to by a teacher, he went to every other teacher she stated she spoke with and asked. the next day he called her out on it and you know i backed them up. they need to know that you as their mother and father have their back, you will protect them and not yell or hit them. by doing this, your child will not put up a wall in their teens, they will feel comfortable to come to you knowing that they can just talk. my son did get angry, i began to spend an hour with him every evening and asked how his day was, i allowed them to get any conflict on his mind out. conflict and drama brings a lot of anger, frustration and its all they think abut for several days, going to sleep with it and waking up with it.

Tradia - posted on 07/02/2013

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First let me put it like this, my parents spanked me and I am not violent and I have the utmost respect for them. Spanking and beating your kids are 2 different things. Hats off to you for saying you never had to. Yelling can be a form of abuse, should you not yell? If this is how you talk to someone needing your opinion, then what do you say to your kids? I'm sure she feels belittled for asking for help. Oh and FYI....I had to deal with CPS when my husband was getting custody of his daughter from the mother and my stepchild was being disrespectful, the worker told him to take her in that room and spank her butt. So don't sit back and talk about stuff you don't know. Its how its done, the mindset of the child, the situation, and the parents demeanor determines the way a child is disciplined. No not every parent should spank. But some of these kids need a good ok fashioned grandma given butt whoopin!

AmberRose - posted on 07/02/2013

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How old is you daughter? I think there are other things you can try to modify the behavior that are spanking her with a belt. If there are repercussions for an unwanted behavior the unwanted behavior is likely to discontinue. There are alternatives (I'm not anti spanking or anything) depending on age that may connect better with her than just a spanking.

Tradia - posted on 07/02/2013

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Discipline your child how you see fit. I'm a spanker after I have given my children warnings and talking to. I try not to but hey my parents spanked me. One thing about it s what ever method you choose, stick to your word.once you say hey now your behavior is not acceptable and I'm going to (fill in the blank) do it. She won't take you serious and you will eventually be up here asking another question about your child.

Miriam - posted on 07/02/2013

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Child Protection officers are told that even spanking is abuse and will think nothing of taking a new born from a hospital Child Protection Agencies are mostly run by crimminals to apprehend children, not protect them . A LARGE percentage of children are put in ABUSIVE FOSTER HOMES. http://www.blakout.ca/
http://www.canadacourtwatch.com/
http://www.torontosun.com/2013/03/14/vic...
http://www.canadacourtwatch.com/content/...
http://www.nationalpost.com/news/story.h...
http://www.thestar.com/news/crime/2013/0...
http://sparton2000.blogspot.ca/2008/03/c...

Margaret - posted on 07/02/2013

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I was raised back in the day that a belt was common to be used when children were out of control or perhaps as a fear of punishment to keep us from getting out of line.
However, I do not agree that is the best form of punishment to teach a child discipline. not to mention that you do not want to physically harm your child or regret your actions.
You neglected to mention the age of the child.

I did raise a very "strong willed" daughter. From the age of 2 she would not listen and would leave me in tears daily because she was extremely difficult. I was with her daily and I believe that she felt as though she was my "equal". And she felt comfortable to do as she pleased without fear of the consequences. It was not out of disrespect, it was her adaption of what our relationship was.
Time Out is one of the better choices for making a child understand what is acceptable and what is not. You have to be consistant., no matter how difficult it is for you and how much she argues. First explain the consequences to her if her behaviour is out of control.

It will get better...

Miriam - posted on 07/02/2013

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That type of punishment does not work because we have a society telling kids that it is ok to be rude, devient, slanderous and outright hateful to parents and if they are spanked on the butt, or grounded that is somehow abuse and since the parent is an alleged "abuser" they loose their child to Child Services . Parents are not allowed to be parents becaue the State wants to raise them so they legislate laws to make it IMPOSSIBLE to be a parent It is all about money

[deleted account]

In my opinion There is more disrespect towards Adults Parents and teachers Now than there has been In the last 50 years since spanking was shunned and parents have stopped using it as a form of discipline. Children these days dont care about the consequences of their actions and the minor punishments of groundings and things taken away or doing extra chores dont bother them either. They are becoming disrespectful narcissistic, greedy and molly coddled. However there are also problems with the family units with more single parents and the loss of family support to help reinforce parents discipline. The children seem to believe they have more rights than the parents and unfortunately these days they do and they know it, this tips the balance in their favour and allows them to get away with whatever they like whilst the parents face the consequences.
I slap my daughter. Nothing else works. I have tried everything. stripping my daughters bedroom to make her earn it back doesn't work as she couldn't care less about earning it back. I have tried giving her intensives to earn things so i can give positive reinforcement and she can earn what she gets, she refuses to do any of it. And if i ground her she climbs out the window. If i tell her off she switches off infact she laughs in my face and calls me mental or a dimwit or swears at me.
Belting i would say is too far because it will change the way she feels about you. It will alter your relationship.There are certain moments that we all as parents can look back on and regret and wish we could undo them, believe me this will be one of them. It will stick in her memory and you will end up doing more harm than good. One belting, guilt will wrack you inside. Then what? again?..will it get to the point you no longer feel guilty? Do you want to have a relationship with your daughter based on guilt,apathy or love?
You are raising an adult she is midway there she is testing the boundaries and finding your weak points and believe me she knows them. You however will benefit more from admitting your own weakness than denying them i am sure she is, like my daughter, pointing them out. You also need to teach your child self control. She will learn this from you she wont learn that if you belt her. She will learn to take a beating, she will learn how to not cry, she will learn how to not trust you, she will learn fear of you. Because she knows her other friends wont be belted and she also will know its illegal.
It would be easy for me to just reel off a load of suggestions of what you should do but it seems a lot of the lovely ladies on here have already given you plenty to think about.( and me also) I just want to say that respect is earned both ways and please bear in mind that we take out our problems on the people we love and often when they're having a rubbish time and things are bothering them they take it out on us because they know we love them and they wont lose us, like they can their mates. I'm not justifying her behavior at all btw, my daughters head spins round like the exorcist and she can be nasty sometimes but then so can i. Not everyone has the same coping strategies or amount of support to help us and if we think back to our teens we were quite horrible too lol. Say what you mean and mean what you say and apologize when its justified. Forget the power struggles.
Being a mother is hard work especially with a battle raging constantly. Hang in there and when it gets too much walk out the room grab a balloon and blow it up (wonderful suggestion, not for our daughters but for us lol) xx

Linda - posted on 07/02/2013

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When we spank or use belts/wooden spoons/etc to discipline our children, I believe we are teaching them that the person who is stronger or has a weapon can hurt the one smaller or without a weapon.
We need to find ways to discipline that teach children that their behavior directly affects THEIR life. For instance, some of the things you can use are withdrawing privileges that haven't been withdrawn before. If you don't speak respectfully at home--we can't take you out in public (misses the park, eating out, friends house, etc.) We can take away house privileges too--no TV, go to bed early, no dessert, etc. They need to learn that their behavior directly affect THEM not us. Also, complaining (not discussing) about having to discipline them lets them know they are "getting to us".

IF A PARENT ISN'T WILLING TO CHANGE IN ORDER TO HELP THEIR CHILD, THE CHILD WILL NOT CHANGE EITHER!

Alexandra - posted on 07/02/2013

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Are you for real??? A belt?? Are you even human? What degenerative society did you grow up in?? How sick and vile this question is..you need to take a trip to a shrinks office to get help, seriously..
How dare you even ask such a question? Violence breeds violence, you have no right whatsoever as a parent or other to inflict such pain or injury to a child.
I have four children from 7 to 18 and have NEVER smacked or used any force on them, ever.
They are all decent respectful and polite kids, because we communicate and I have high standards and they know this and respect this, so tell me, why do you need to smack your children?

Andrea - posted on 07/02/2013

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Apparently, spanking is not working - and just beating her harder is not the answer. Time for you to be the parent here and figure out a discipline that will work. Time to get creative, Mama.

Jennifer - posted on 07/02/2013

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I agree with Besan Besan. Physical violence only teaches a child that outbursts result in parent outbursts! Try positive discipline techniques instead and you will raise a caring individual. If you cannot handle that, please deposit the child at the nearest child welfare office or to a family who would care!

Besan - posted on 07/02/2013

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I personally cannot believe such a question...your kids are a gift ..soon they will grow up and leave ..do you want them to remember how you used a BELT to teach them how to respect you...at the end if they are taught by fear..then when they are old enough to fight back what will make them respect you once they are far from the influence of a BELT??
I hope you find the appropriate way instead of that, I am telling you this since I never forgave my mom for spanking me, and yes I was very young but still I clearly remember it..

Elaine - posted on 07/02/2013

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I am a child protection officer and I have referred parents for using a belt or object on their child as a form of punishment. This only satisfies you and just shows the child that it's ok to use violence. There are lots of ways to promote rules and punishment. I can't imagine how any mum would feel after hitting them with a belt.

Be grateful you have a healthy child and cherish her you are her role model. My daughter brings her son up alone, would never punish with violence. Has just found out he has leukemia and so to you my advice is to cherish her, you are lucky she is normal with no illness.

Brandi - posted on 07/02/2013

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Absolutely! My daughter started talking back and being disrespectful also. I had only used my hand up until then but it wasn't working anymore so I decided to use a belt. It works much better and I hardly ever have to spank her anymore. I usually just have to warn her. And I call it an attitude adjustment.

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