My daughter is telling people her daddy doesn't care about her

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 05/31/2011 ( 9 moms have responded )




Hi, I'm a mother of 2 and married to the younger one's father. I've been divorced from my 6 year old's father for nearly 6 years (she'll be 7 in September) and recently she's been telling people that she doesn't have a daddy who loves her and that her daddy doesn't care about her. The sad thing is that this is kind of true because he doesn't keep up with his weekly phone calls (he lives in GA and we're moving to BC very soon from NY) and when I asked him why he told me it was because 1.) she never wants to talk for too long and 2.) she's old enough to call him.
My daughter did call her father recently because I asked her if she wanted to and told him how she felt. Then he sent me an email telling me that her telling him that was unacceptable and he wouldn't be resuming communication until it stopped.
She has a good relationship with her step dad who I've been with since 2007 and she's also close with my dad and brother so she has some stable male role models in her life. But my question is what do I tell her when she says her own father doesn't love her or care about her? I don't really want to lie about it, but he hasn't been showing that he does care.


Jodi - posted on 05/31/2011




Just tell her that I'm sure he does, but perhaps he just isn't really ready to be a proper daddy. Let her know that some people just AREN'T ready to be daddies, and it is sad, but it doesn't mean they don't love their children. They just don't know HOW to be daddies properly.

Christy - posted on 05/31/2011




Does he pay child support? In my opinion, it's his job to call, he's the dad, not his little girl. If he wants to be free of his responsibilities as a father he can legally do so and then he can pretend he doesn't have a daughter.

In the meantime, help your daughter realize how blessed she is to have somebody filling the role of "dad" in her life. You can tell her that it's up to her to decide who is the "dad" in her life, whether it's her grandpa or her stepdad, but that she is loved and appreciated. Also that her father is having troubles being a dad because he is so far away.

I would encourage her to make a nice card for her father for Father's Day and give him a phone call. That may help her father to see that his daughter loves him.

Until her father chooses to legally give up his rights as a dad, keep things as positive as possible for your daughter!

Terralyn - posted on 05/31/2011




sounds to me like your daughter is like my oldest and very perceptive, i'd make the move with her stepfather and leave any contact up to her father. I think your daughter is blessed to have a real dad in her step dad and an awesome mom. Keep up the good work and she will be fine.


View replies by

[deleted account]

Her father is a big baby and men like that piss me off!

I don't really know what you should say to her.... Maybe just say... I'm sorry. And then switch her focus to the great men she has in her life that DO care about her.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 05/31/2011




The thing is he has 2 other kids. A step daughter in her early teens who caused him to ditch his last NY visit back in 2007 because it was her birthday that weekend (he also adopted her when he and his new wife married) and a 2 year old son. He can show love to them and buy them expensive stuff (Gymboree, Hollister ect) and remember to do things for them. But our daughter gets left out or let down (last year his wife told me with my daughter in ear shot that they'd buy her the Sketcher sneakers she wanted for school and instead bought her shoes from Target sneakers. Not that I don't like Target, but if you say you'll buy 60$ sneakers and only buy 14$ sneakers yet the other kids get 70$ jeans and such we have an issue.)
In the past I used to give him the benefit of the doubt because he's active duty in the Army and figured that yeah he is busy. But then I see him on YIM and I know he has a mobile like most people these days and he knows I have a mobile and have it on me at all times for work. So then it's like hey WTF.
I'm really tired of it. There isn't really any legal action to take since he also won't be doing his yearly visit since he's upset he'd still be paying child support while she was there for 3 weeks and that he'd have to get a baby sitter for 3 weeks (instead of taking time off from work which the military would give him unless he was getting ready to deploy.)
The best part about his complete lack of interest is that for most of my pregnancy with my now 3 month old he was making a big deal about how I was trying to keep our daughter from him.

Terralyn - posted on 05/31/2011




I personally have been through the same thing with my kids and honestly i think you shouldn't tell your daughter something that is not true. If she feels her dad doesn't love her then just tell her that is only because he hasn't gotten to know her and he doesn't know how to be a dad. Remind her as well that she has a step father who does love her. I think it is wrong to invalidate your childs feelings by saying they are wrong. its how she feels. Your ex sounds like mine, its all about him and how he doesn't want to hear from his child that he is a bad father, truth is that is what he is. I was on my own with my children for 11 years and they are now almost old enough to leave home and they are well adjusted children and they now have a step dad that they love and appreciate. remember the saying "any man can be a father" exes like ours are the defination of that saying, but remember you have the special man that can be a dad in your childs life and just reflect on that and remind her of that and she will do just fine.

Krista - posted on 05/31/2011




Jodi's advice is good. I have nothing to add except my sympathies and my anger that your ex is such a douche that he finds it "unacceptable" for his own daughter to beg for his love and attention. Shithead.

Rebecca - posted on 05/31/2011




That is very sad, but unfortunately i know how it feels, my sister is going through the same thing.
all you can do it keep reminding her that her dad does love and care for her and that he is just upset she feels this way.
also you could let her know that you and your husband will always be there for her.

unfortunately some people can be very careless about things when feelings are concerned, but more so when childrens feeling come into it.
some people dont understand that children have feelings and thoughts all their own and automatically assume its the mum filling their heads with rubbish.
all you can do is keep re-assuring her that things will work out for the best.
maybe seek legal advice about father/child contact?
he helped create this beautiful child, the least he can do is step up and take respnsibility, if he doesnt he will lose her forever.
as the saying goes....
anybody can be a father,
but it takes a special person to be a dad.

hope everything works out for you :)

Emilie - posted on 05/31/2011




That is how my kids father is (I actually asked a question myself on COM about what to do about him. They say that kind of stuff about there dad also and I will usually change the subject so I don't have to give an straight answer or I will tell them about all the people who do love them. I just wish that my ex would have a relationship because right now they do not have a stepfather and my brother is never around. They don't really have a male role model right now.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms