My daughter keeps lying about where she is sleeping and drinking at 14

Andrea - posted on 08/21/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My daughter told me last night she was sleeping at a girls house who I did not know. I asked for the phone no and parents name and she refused. She knows she has to do this because she has lied a few times before. I gave her the choice of number or come home, she put the phone down I kept trying to ring her and she did not respond. I was so worried as I did nit know where she was. I found out the next day she had been at all night party and had been drinking. We have now grounded her for two weeks and have taken all gadgets away. She said she hates us and we treat her like crap. No matter what I do she just gets worse and more disrespectful. I just dont know what to do.

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Jodi - posted on 08/22/2012

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By the sounds of it, she needs the reins TOTALLY pulled up and for her to start over earning some trust back in baby steps. Yes, she's going to hate you for it, but what she did is completely unacceptable. You are right with what you are doing, but I don't think I'd call it a two week grounding. I wouldn't put a time limit on it. Make it a consequence of her irresponsibility that she simply can't go anywhere on her own until you are convinced it won't happen again, and that could take quite some time. Also, make sure she doesn't get that phone back until she understands that one of the rules of having it is that if you call her, she answers (or calls you straight back), no excuses. Ensure she understands that these are direct CONSEQUENCES of her behaviour, don't call them punishments. I find my teen responds very well to the premise that IF he does this then THIS is what happens as a direct consequence and that HE has control over that by managing his own behaviour.

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Dove - posted on 08/22/2012

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I agree with everything Jodi said.



Time for her to be under house arrest. She goes no where without you except to school. I think I'd also let her know that if she pulled that stunt again you would have to treat her like a runaway and have the police go find her and bring her home.

Andrea - posted on 08/22/2012

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I did know this was going to happen, she was out with her friends and I thought she was coming home, then i received the text saying she was sleeping at this girls house who I never had heard of before. I then asked for the phone no of the parents so I could speak to them and then no response, i tried calling her, phoned friends parents and even went out to look for her. I did not know where she was, all I know she will not be sleeping at friends for a very long long time. I when I do decide this will have to be arranged before she goes anywhere outside the house.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2012

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What was she doing staying over at someone's house you didn't know in the first place? How did that happen? Sorry, but you should have a good idea of where your 14 year old is at night. I don't understand how you couldn't know.

Who cares if she hates you. Believe me, in my house she'd be grounded for a hell of a lot longer than 2 weeks. It would be one of those situations where until she can earn MY trust back, she's not going ANYWHERE on her own.

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sounds like you're going to have to tighten the reins on this child. my children do not go anywhere unless i have personally met the parents (and of course think they are of good character) and i have their phone number & address. I ensure that either i drop them off or the other child's parents collect them. There are no ifs, buts or two ways about it. no 'meet at the mall and go back to each others houses' or 'go home to friends house from school' this eliminates not knowing where your child is (think about it, how did she come to be somewhere unknown to you to begin with? close those gaps). If my child had done what yours has, she'd not be seeing the light of day any time soon, 2 weeks? really?! that's getting off light!! she would have to earn back her freedom, that's how my parents navigated our misbehaviour when i was growing up. as for the attitude, that's average of a child not getting their own way, and its the only thing she knows how to do in the situation. she's trying to guilt you into changing or reducing her punishment. stand firm! she will get over it. better to have her in a bad mood than pregnant or getting up to goodness knows what - behind your back none the less! its up to you to instil respect and decency in her. set the rules/boundaries and stick to them. if she lashes out at punishments, just remind her that her actions are prolonging the punishment and then let her go for it. if you dont nip this in the bud now, imagine what shes going to be like 2, 3,4 years from now!

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