My daughter's father

Andrea - posted on 07/14/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My princess is 6 years old. Her father is not on her birth certificate and has never paid any child support even though there is an order for it. He has been in and out of prison most of her life and has not seen her since she was 3 years old. I gave him a chance to be in her life when she was little because he said he wanted to be. He was supposed to get her every other weekend according to the schedule we agreed on. He got her at best once every 2 months. He went back to prison in 2013 for a year and a half. While he was in prison, it was discovered that my daughter had been molested and the person she kept talking about matched the description of her father's next door neighbor before he went to prison. His neighbor was 16 years old at the time. He was never arrested because she refused to talk to the police but she was referred to counseling for the situation and has been in counseling for almost 2 years and will probably require counseling as she gets older. When he was released from prison in 2014, he tried to see her but I would not let him. He has called her a liar and said she made the whole thing up. He has not tried to contact me again until recently and has called me an unfit mother and that my daughter is living in poor conditions and is not being taken care of. He has threatened me and my family and the night after he contacted me, someone keyed my truck and scratched the word Bitch on my hood. I am currently in the process of filling and injunction against him. I do not feel my daughter is safe with him and I do not want her to see him. She has made a lot of progress since she has been in counseling and is actually started to be a happy child again. I am also in the process of filling for sole custody through the court some any chance of him getting rights to her is terminated. Most people who know about the situation agree with how I'm hand lingerie it but there are some that say that I am wrongoing and he should have anot her chance to be in her life even though she was molested while in his care and evenot though he said she is making it all up. My question is, am I wrong for not wanting to give him another chance? My daughters safety and well being is the most important thing to me. I would like some honest opinions but please no negativity.

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Dove - posted on 07/14/2016

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Are you wrong for wanting to protect your daughter? No, of course not. However he IS her father and she does have a right to some sort of relationship w/ him. The fact that there is a child support order means that he's been acknowledged as her father whether or not he's on the birth certificate... and paying child support or not has no bearing on the rest of the situation. If there is no custody/visitation order in place there should have been one years ago.

It is absolutely not wrong of you to compile all of your hard evidence and have your lawyer present it to the judge when you go for custody. Just be aware that he very well may not have his rights terminated and he very well may get visitations... hopefully supervised if any. Is your daughter's therapist one that will testify in court to what is in her best interest? That will probably help you.

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Andrea - posted on 07/14/2016

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Thank you everyone for the comments. This is one of the few forums that I have been on that everyone is very respectful. I have never wanted to keep my daughter away from her father but the circumstances surrounding the situation are not good. I did because that was what I thought was bestablished for her safety. When I got into a relationship with him, I was lied to about a lot of things, I only found out later that he was into doing and selling drugs, that is why I separated from him. I did not want my children around that. He is now a convicted drug dealer and the area where he wants my daughter to visit him at is a known drug area. When this situation first started years ago, he refused to meet somewhere besides there. I will not let my daughter or any of my children go to an area like that. The people he is known to hang around and have at his house are mostly known drug dealers or have known drug convictions. It's just a bad situation all together. Yes I know I may not agree with the courts decision but that's also the best way to go, at least I can try to keep my daughter safe that way. I have an appointment with her counselor to discuss the situation and also with a lawyer to see what all I have to do. No I can not prove it was him that vandalised my car but I have a strong suspicion that it was. As of tonight my mother's car has also been keyed but I think who every did it was interrupted when they heard my husband open the front door. This was done before it was even really dark outside. I am very scared for the safety of my children and family because after I left my daughter's father, he would get drunk and start calling or texting me with threats and has even come by my mother's house where we stay. Dealing with the most recent situation, I have already told him we will settle it through court because what every they say go's but he still has proceeded to message my family on Facebook trying to put them in the situation when it has nothing to do with them and vandalism keeps happening to our property. I am trying to handle it like an adult without being childish, disrespectful or trying to get revenge. I'm not that kind of person. No many people may not agree with how I'm handling it but I'm also doing what I think is best for my daughter and until the courts tell meveryone otherwise that is how I choose to handle the situation. I appreciate everyone's comments.

Littlestarsmum - posted on 07/14/2016

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I’m so sorry to hear about the struggles your daughter went through. My heart just ached as I read your post, and it must have been a painful experience for you and your lil one. I just said a prayer for you and your daughter and I hope that God will provide the wisdom and help you need at this time. Have you considered talking about your concerns with a counselor? A good counselor might be able to give you some solid guidance. Hope everything goes well with you. Hugs & prayers!

Ev - posted on 07/14/2016

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{My princess is 6 years old. Her father is not on her birth certificate and has never paid any child support even though there is an order for it}
-----If he was not on the birth certificate then I assume a DNA was done so he could be placed on child support for her.
{{ He has been in and out of prison most of her life and has not seen her since she was 3 years old. I gave him a chance to be in her life when she was little because he said he wanted to be. He was supposed to get her every other weekend according to the schedule we agreed on. He got her at best once every 2 months.}
------You said here you two agreed on a visitation schedule for every other weekend but he took only 2x a month to see her. Did you know that agreement is not legal and not binding to either of you? He would not necessarily have to follow it since it was never court ordered or signed off by a judge. And you cannot force a person to do things they do not want to do including seeing their kids or parenting them.
{ He went back to prison in 2013 for a year and a half.}
-----You mentioned he had been in and out of prison and then again for another year and a half.
{ While he was in prison, it was discovered that my daughter had been molested and the person she kept talking about matched the description of her father's next door neighbor before he went to prison. His neighbor was 16 years old at the time. He was never arrested because she refused to talk to the police but she was referred to counseling for the situation and has been in counseling for almost 2 years and will probably require counseling as she gets older.}
-----I am sorry that this became the case. Your daughter needs all the love and support she can get.

{ When he was released from prison in 2014, he tried to see her but I would not let him. He has called her a liar and said she made the whole thing up.}
-----Why did you not let him? He did not molest her if she described the friend as the one that did it. He has every right as you do to see his child. Unless the crimes he has committed would make him a danger to her having visitation unless supervised. What kind of crimes did he commit? Unless you can prove he is a danger to her, if this were in court, he would still have some sort of visits.
{ He has not tried to contact me again until recently and has called me an unfit mother and that my daughter is living in poor conditions and is not being taken care of. He has threatened me and my family and the night after he contacted me, someone keyed my truck and scratched the word Bitch on my hood. I am currently in the process of filling and injunction against him.}
-----Again, unless he can prove it then you have nothing to worry about. But do you have proof he did the damages to the vehicle? And what kinds of threats is he making? I am glad you are taking the path to file a restraining order against him but that won’t keep him from being allowed to see his daughter. That is between you and him not her. He is most likely mad that you won’t allow him to see his child and that is called parental alienation. He could go to court and tell them that he has not been allowed any contact with his child since there seems to be no court ordered visitation as it is or custody.
{ I do not feel my daughter is safe with him and I do not want her to see him. She has made a lot of progress since she has been in counseling and is actually started to be a happy child again.}
-----Then this is where you talk to her counselor because you are starting the custody measures and ask that the counselor speak to the court about your daughter and her progress to see if supervised visits are possible for the time being. It can not hurt.
{ I am also in the process of filling for sole custody through the court some any chance of him getting rights to her is terminated.}
=====Again you would have to prove him unfit, abusive, having drug or alcohol problems, or having committed crimes that make it possible for him not to be around her. You just cannot ask for his rights to be terminated unless he agrees or the judge finds the evidence is warrenting the need for rights terminated. The issues of his threats and the car damage if he did it are between you and him. I guess I am saying just because you dislike this man is not enough to take his parental rights away and you did chose him to be the father of your child when you slept with him.

{ Most people who know about the situation agree with how I'm hand lingerie it but there are some that say that I am wrongoing and he should have anot her chance to be in her life even though she was molested while in his care and evenot though he said she is making it all up.}
------You are not handling it right when you do not allow him to see his child. Getting this to court and getting custody and visitation are right moves. And since there has been no evidence found just from what you told me about the molestation issue, he should not even be made to not see her. Until the molestation is proven….and did they not do an exam of her to see if she had been molested? Usually if there is any chance of that they do a medical exam.
{ My question is, am I wrong for not wanting to give him another chance? My daughters safety and well being is the most important thing to me. I would like some honest opinions but please no negativity.}
-----1)You are not in the right making him stay out of the child’s life. 2)He has as much right to be a parent to her as you do. 3)Now that it is going the way of court, you won’t get to decide what he gets out of it. The judge decides based on all evidence and testimony that is allowed in court. Do not get your extra friends or family involved unless they do know for certain things that could be brought to the judge’s attention that they actually witnessed. Just because they know things does not mean that they knew about it first hand. A judge will not allow second hand knowledge in the court. 4)I can understand your wanting your child safe and healthy. She needs that stable life but unfortunately her parents can not be together and thus have to learn to co-parent according to the rules of the courts. Once that judge gives his or her decisions, YOU and DAD will have to abide them and that includes dad’s visitation.
-----Lastly, asking for no negative opinions here is not going to go over. For the most part, this is an international site and many people from many places and cultures also post here and their way of life compared to yours is different and will come across as negative. Others who do have similar way of life may say things you do not want to hear but it is the way it goes here. Also there are others who have been where you are and their advice may or may not be what you want to hear like mine. It is what will happen in court once it gets there. Good luck.

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