My daughter verbally abuse me

Carmen - posted on 12/26/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My 14 y.o. daughter treat me like a piece of .... she has that attitude that she is the owner of the world, and says I am bad, annoying, my self esteem is low as I was abused by her father since I got pregnant of her until she was 2 years old that we leaved together, after that she saw him a couple of times, and she witness the abuse but still she is become abusive like him and I want to stop her.

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Jodi - posted on 12/27/2015

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I mean that when a person allows themselves to be treated a certain way, the people who treat them that way are learning from them. Talk to your therapist about learned behaviours and abuse. If your daughters sees you accepting a certain behaviour, then that is how you present yourself as how you should be treated.

Carmen - posted on 12/27/2015

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What do you mean with learning behaviour from me? I am a nice lady who treats her well and at the same time i have to be the father, I never ever called her names, I always correct the mistake and pointed at the mistake not her, she has a big self esteem that means good treatment not abuse at home.

Jodi - posted on 12/27/2015

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Teenagers saying you are annoying is actually pretty typical, NOT the result of an abusive home. That doesn't mean it is okay to say things like that, but it is normal teenage behaviour.

Secondly, remembering abuse (which I highly doubt she remembers from the womb....) is very different to being around it for 14 years. In that 2 years out of her entire 14 years, I assure you, this is not learned behaviour from her father....it is learned behaviour from you and what you expect. We are treated in a way we ALLOW others to treat us.

With regard to applying consequence, you simply make it clear that you are very proud of her grades at school, but that her attitude at home isn't acceptable. You can try rewarding for positive attitude as well. Try to focus on the lesson that we should treat others as we wish to be treated. "I don't speak to you like that, so it would really be appreciated if you could not speak to me in that way".

Carmen - posted on 12/27/2015

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Thank you for your comments, yes I am going to counselling so does she, as she is a gifted child who can remember the abuse we lived in since was in my womb until she was two and after that by emails, phone calls.
I need to make her understand that the way she answer me will lead into the same behaviour of the father, she knows some times she has rage inside as she is unhappy because the father just abandon her and she sees me working and studying hard to pay our bills. Some times that rage makes her answer back or say things like your are bad, you are annoying. but what she doesn't realize is that all those words put me down.
I do apply consequences, like no tv, no computer games but at the same time she comes with the highest grade at school, science first place, etc, so I need to be careful in how do i apply consequences and rewards.

Nancy - posted on 12/27/2015

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Put restrictions, don't let her yell at you, take privileges away. You need to be confident of anything that you do. Also, talk with her may be she's going through a hard time, may be a crush, being bullied, or have no one to share her problems with.Try to be her friend and also be strong enough to ground her for being disrespected.

Dove - posted on 12/27/2015

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You need to put that in check right now. YOU are still the owner of her world and if she can not respect you... the world as she knows it can end. She can lose EVERYTHING she owns other than her bed, a week's worth of clothes (which she can now be 100% responsible for washing), books, and basic meals (which she can also cook for herself if you want to go that route)... ANYTHING else she has is a privilege and privileges must be earned and respected.

I highly recommend you seek some counseling for yourself as soon as possible. I was in counseling for a good year and a half before I could actually recognize and acknowledge the fact that I had been in an emotionally abusive marriage. It's not an easy thing to recover from. ♥

Jodi - posted on 12/27/2015

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Carmen, why are you allowing your daughter to treat you this way? If it is because you have low self-esteem, then you need to be in therapy to stop allowing yourself to become a doormat to her. This is a choice - a difficult one if you have been abused, but still a choice you are making. You have been out of this abusive relationship for 12 years, so it is really no excuse. Your daughter needs discipline. You let her know that she cannot treat people this way, and you implement consequences - whether it be that you remove her privileges (rights come with responsibilities, and she is not demonstrating her responsibilities and gratitude), ground her, stop doing things for her.

If she only saw her father a couple of times since she was 2, this is NOT coming from her father, it is coming from how you allow her to treat you.

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