My daughter was molested and I'm trying to cope with it

Crystal - posted on 04/22/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I found out on September 8 2015 that my now ex husband (her step dad) had gone into my 12 year old daughters room and was feeling on her. I now know they call this the grooming process! I went through the what I now know is normal feeling, shock, anger, denial, depression ect! I have stayed strong for my baby girl and she has been in counseling ever since. We still have our ups and downs with emotions but I continuely tell her how proud I am of her that she spoke up so I could protect her! How unbelievably strong she is! That this is not her fault and this does not define her but makes her a stronger person! I believe know what I need to do to help her and I am doing everything in my power to make sure she heals from this. However I am struggling with this, the case is still pending with felony charges and I can't seem to heal! I think I'm doing better but it sneaks up on me and I have been fighting off the depression again! As a mom, how do I move on, not from him but what he did to my baby and my family? How can I trust anyone ever again? I know I am no where close to wanting to be in a relationship but I'm scared of how emotionless I have become to everyone but my kids and a few close friends and family! Will this emptiness of emotions go away one day? I'm Just lost! I'm good at pretending everything is ok but I'm struggling inside... Needing to know how other moms have coped with this!

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Dove - posted on 04/23/2016

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♥ ♥ ♥

My girls were not abused, but I was... and the healing process is LONG and HARD. I've been out of my marriage for over 8 years now and I still don't REALLY trust anyone. I know that doesn't exactly help your situation, but just know that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.

I know you said you can't afford for you both to be in counseling, but have you looked into low cost or sliding scale mental health services (maybe that's what you're already doing for her...?)? Since part of helping your daughter is helping yourself... perhaps her counselor would be willing to meet w/ you on occasion as well.

I know 'hang in there!' is quite cliche... but really that's about all you can do. There may be books available to help support you through this process. Might be worth looking into. ♥

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Angel - posted on 04/25/2016

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I was molested one time when I was 6 by my mothers exhusband while he was my stepdad. He touched my privates while i was asleep on my stomach in my pajama dress... My mother was at work and she was a stripper ( she dated bad men) She told me before she went to work not to let him in but it was 1am and i was half Asleep i thought it was her at the door. My 2 sisters were asleep in their rooms. Anyways it happened and i blocked it out my mind but from that moment on i didn't trust any man that she brought home and i didn't start dating until i was 16 and didn't have any sexual contact and didn't have sex until i was 18... I was a tomboy my entire teenage life. I acted like a boy.. I hung out with guys who i trusted that were like brothers to me. I think honestly that what happened to me really made me retreat mentally fromphysical contact and emotional attachment to any male in my life. Still to this day im uncomfortable around peoples fathers. . my father in law. My grandpa(until he recently passed away). I never told my mom until about 3 years ago ( and even then i didn't really tell her. My ex told her out of spite towards me leaving him) had he not of told her I probably still would of been keeping it to myself. I honestly feel if i told my mother sooner and got counseling i wouldnt feel the way i do about father figures etc. I have an 18 month old baby boy and i dont trust him with NOBODY. I hope your daughter finds closure and can get through this as unscathed as possible. Good luck!

Dove - posted on 04/23/2016

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Sliding scale is just that some therapists will work w/ lower income families for a portion of the cost... or some for free. I do not know how/if that works w/ you having insurance though.

Crystal - posted on 04/23/2016

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@ little miss Reading your post really made me cry! I really am trying to do the best I can for her! I just pray that we can eventually move past this! My kids are my everything! It was very hard the 1st few months and to be honest I really don't know how we made it through it! Once we were able to get back into our home things got better some what! He wouldn't leave for over a month and me and my kids stayed at one of my friends house till he left! But like I told my kids, we are survivors we will make it out of this hell that was placed on my family! I stay strong In front of my kids but sometimes all I want to do is cry! I can't believe I didn't know! I can't believe there wasn't any signs! I was asleep across the hall when he was violating my baby! It's just overwhelming sometimes! My biggest fear is if he doesn't take the plea that she will have to take the stand and face him! This is where she freaks out! She has told me she just wants to forget everything About him! How he looks, sounds, and breathes. It's just sickening!

Crystal - posted on 04/23/2016

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@ dove. What it is the sliding scale? She has insurance and so do I. It cost her $30.00 per session and mine is $60.00. Since the divorce I have went into modification on my house and my pay checks barely cover the bills. I use my child support for grocery and gas! My son who just turned 18 and will be a senior this year just got a job to help at least with some of his expenses but I refuse to make him work to help with bills! His life is just about to start! He needs counseling as well but right now we both just want to make sure she is ok! This kind of thing is life changing! I am going to look into some books like you suggested! Thank you so much for the advice!!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/23/2016

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Wow Crystal, I wish I could give you a great big hug and tell you what an awesome job you are doing. It is going to take time for BOTH of you to heal. You sound like you are handling this situation the best you possibly can, and you are really helping your daughter. I don't even know you but I am so proud of you and everything you are doing! I am so sorry this happened to your daughter, but it sounds like you and her are very strong women who will come out healthy and stronger on the other side. Best of luck to the both of you, and keep up the good work! If something like this ever happened to either of my children, I hope I am as strong as you!

Crystal - posted on 04/23/2016

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@michelle.. Unfortunately I can't afford for both of us to be in counseling at the same time! I would rather have her go than me right now! But I do intend to go back at some point!

Michelle - posted on 04/23/2016

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I hope you are in counseling as well. That will help you with the things you are having troubles with.

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