My daughter would like to find an autistic boy to ask to prom...help!! where could we find one??

Rachel - posted on 04/03/2013 ( 27 moms have responded )

6

0

0

My daughter is currently a senior in high school and believes that the best way to make her senior prom memorable is to give someone else (who generally wouldn't have the chance) the opportunity to go to her high school prom. We have her enrolled in a private high school in Westchester, NY where there isn't a BOCES or special needs program. We would love some advice as to where we could find someone special the chance to go to prom. :)

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Liz - posted on 04/04/2013

1,047

15

260

Honestly, I'm with Kristi on this one. (I keep trying to rate your post, Kristi, but it merely says -1 when I do)

If your daughter wants to make positive progress for equality, then by all means encourage her to befriend kids with various disabilities, get to know them as people and NOT merely as boys labelled with the autism tag, then invite one to prom if she likes him sufficiently.

Whilst I get the good intention behind your proposal, it smacks a little too much of charity motivated by pity, which is not really what disabled kids are looking for because it still makes too much of them being different. All they want is to be included in as normal a way as their condition and abilities allow.

ETA: And how do you think the poor boy would feel to know that he was going to a prom because he was autistic and not because of who he is? Adding the idea that you're giving the kid an experience that he wouldn't otherwise have, and the idea smacks of arrogance and a sort of Victorian magnanimity-towards-the-suffering-poor that really misses the entire point of making a kind-hearted gesture in the first place.

Kristi - posted on 04/04/2013

1,355

3

78

I have to admit, my knee jerk reaction was kind of disgust. It would be one thing if you actually knew someone with autism and invited him instead of going with the captain of the football team. But, you're on here basically running a want-ad for an under privileged, special needs guy who wouldn't get to go to a prom with out some rich, do-gooder "slumming" it, so to speak. You can parade an autistic young man around at a prom for one night but you need to go to private school during the day to avoid him and others that don't measure up to your qualifications?

I'm sorry, maybe I'm just a skeptical bitch and your intentions are sincere. Honestly though, what are you going to do when you find "one?" Call up his mom and say my daughter found out your son has autism and she thought her prom would be memorable if she took someone special to it with her. Only, his mom would know you actually meant "special" because she has no frickin idea who you are or why in hell your daughter would want to take a boy she's never even heard of to her one and only senior prom.

What kind of BOCES or special needs program did you find her home coming escort from? Maybe they have autistic boys, too? You could check counseling centers that specialize in behavior therapies such as ABA and TEACCH. Your daughter could have the pick of the litter there. Oh, try eHarmony for Autistics, then she could pick out someone with the physical attributes she wants.

Ok, sorry, I'm done. I'm sure I will get slammed and hard for this but whatever. The title of your post raised the hair on the back of my neck. IMO, you might as well have said...WTB(orrow) 17 y/o Autistic Male on 5/13/2013 7p-1a dinner/dance, interested applicants please send photo and reply to youpoorbastard@itsyourluckynight.com.

But for the sake of the "one you find," I hope everything goes wonderfully and both kids do end up having a magical night.

Ev - posted on 04/07/2013

8,003

7

918

I have been keeping track of this piece since I started to reply here. I am surprised she has not come back to give us an update or try to debate the issue. I also have something else to add to this.

Autistic kids who have autism moderate to severe can also have problems transitioning to new things too. If this girl thinks she can just find someone to go to the prom that is not in the mild range of autism who can adjust somewhat and take him to prom she is in for a surprise. Those kids who are moderate/severe that can not adjust are so used to a certain structure of doing things in a certain way and at a certain time. They also may have issues with crowds, loud noises/sounds, fearful of the unknown without a familiar face there, and a lot of things I can not think of at the moment. Taking that poor kid out of what is known to him will make her prom really memorable that way: horrid because the kid she chose to take could not adjust to the situation and it would not be his fault. People do not understand that when someone has this kind of delay or disability; that there is more to it than they can't hear, see, walk etc. and in the case of Autism be able to function in some places like the rest of us do. You just can not walk in and expect someone to do something because you can easily transition to a new setup. That is another thing she is forgetting; Could this kid stand to be out of his structured life?

Liz - posted on 04/04/2013

1,047

15

260

Absolutely that, Evelyn. The key is whether or not she already knows someone and invites them...and they merely happen to have a disability. It's the notion of shopping for a disabled kid that she doesn't know that makes hackles rise and becomes inappropriate.

Liz - posted on 04/09/2013

1,047

15

260

The best thing that the OP can do right now, to be honest, is to use this incident as a teaching opportunity. Help her daughter (and herself, clearly) learn more about autism, what it means to be autistic, about the negative consequences of labelling people, about stigma and why it is undesireable and, perhaps, how they both might get involved in their area in volunteering to help underprivileged families.

Far more benefit to be found there for the daughter in learning how to be genuinely empathic, inclusive and progressive in terms of equality, then in parading someone she doesn't know on her arm (IF the kid doesn't freak out at the strange situation and unfamiliar people etc).

If she really wants to help people, then she won't care that the latter approach won't come with the admiration of her peers or 15 minutes of media fame. We do nice things because we can and we should, not because someone is watching.

27 Comments

View replies by

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/12/2013

13,264

21

2015

Kristi C...you crack me up, girl!

Ev - posted on 04/09/2013

8,003

7

918

Firebird, going to the local high school to ask for a date is illegal. They can not give out that information according to laws set to protect the privacy and well being of their students and the families of those students. What makes you think that school is going to hand a list of students over to her for her daughter to choose from?

Ev - posted on 04/09/2013

8,003

7

918

Firebird--You can not go to a school and just ask the principal or anyone questions like that. It is illegal.

Liz - posted on 04/08/2013

1,047

15

260

The skeptical, cynical side of me imagines this idea came about because of the recent media stories about a girl who invited a boy from her class to prom who just happened to have Downs Syndrome. It's a question of 15 minutes of fame to some, I guess.

The more charitable side of me thinks that she had an idea to be helpful but just didn't have sufficient understanding to 'get' why what she wanted to do was inappropriate and ill-expressed.

Either which way, Shawnn's idea is a great one.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/08/2013

13,264

21

2015

After no response from the OP, I'm going to say that, if they really want to be that "generous"...

How about giving up prom night entirely, taking the $100's of dollars you want to spend, and donating that to a less fortunate family so that they could, say...EAT????

I'd find that much less offensive than shopping for a special person. People that want to shine up their "image" sicken me.

Kristi - posted on 04/08/2013

1,355

3

78

Excellent point! Shoot, I, as I think many of "us" (non-Autustic people), would feel at least some level of anxiety in the very same situation.

I reiterate my disgust at the whole notion of special needs shopping. I was wondering if she might just be a troll the first time I read this. The fact that she hasn't come back on here to "defend" herself, leads to me to believe she is real and for whatever reason, hopefully she grew a conscious, she doesn't have to jewels to say anything to us because she knows there is no defense. I think a troll would absolutely be fueling the fire. Just imo.

Kelsey - posted on 04/07/2013

194

0

55

I know exactly what you're saying Evelyn. My brother, if his buttons are pushed outside his limit, can throw the biggest tantrum that would give a two-year-old a run for the money. My brother is on the moderate level. Not so high functioning to drive a car, but not too low functioning to need help on daily basis. He did just fine with our prom; because food was involved; he loves his food. Though eventually, he got tired of the loud music and noisy people and wanted to go home.

Jodi - posted on 04/07/2013

3,562

36

3907

I always find it interesting on these ones when the OP never comes back. That speaks volumes.....

Kristi - posted on 04/07/2013

1,355

3

78

Just a little update...

I had to ask my daughter about this. I thought, "Ok, I'll give these "ladies" one more benefit of the doubt and see how another teen would see it."

So, I read her the post first, I did not want to prejudice the jury with the title. Now mind you, she is allowed to curse when it's just the two of us. She hasn't to this day. She said, "What the "F" do they think there is a special section in Target that sells Autistic kids? Who does that? Mom, you're just testing me about bullying aren't you?"

I told her that I was not kidding. It was a real question someone asked on CoM's. She said, "That is sick, that is just "F-ing" sick. Can I post I reply? You didn't tell them you were from NY, did you? I don't want them to think we're like that."

She was seriously pissed. Obviously, I did not let her reply but I did let her read ours. She was relieved we were all pretty upset about it, too. She's like, Human traffic much? 13 1/2 years old. This is word for word. She said F and F-ing not the whole words and even implying those words is major for her even though she is free to say what wants, she just does not. She won't even same damn.

Anyways, I just thought I'd share a teenager's POV.

Kelsey - posted on 04/04/2013

194

0

55

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who thought this was a little insulting. I love Kristi's post. I couldn't have said it any better!

Ev - posted on 04/04/2013

8,003

7

918

You are welcome Kristi. I just had to say it as it is. When someone has a kid that has that diagnosis, they do not want pity for their son or daughter. They just want their child or even children to have the same chances as others but without the pity, charity or other things that people put with it. To me charity is giving to others who are without and need things like food, shelter and help with getting a job or whatever. To me its not charity to give a kid who has some issue or disability or delay to go to a prom or some other school activity that they would not normally go to or would but be the wall flower. That is why I said if she is a friend of a kid with Autism then more power to her but if not going to find what she would consider an unfortunate is not a great idea. It will not help that boy's self-esteem.

Kristi - posted on 04/04/2013

1,355

3

78

Thanks for the rates...I just can't see them!! Lol But I appreciate the love! ; )

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/04/2013

13,264

21

2015

I'm in agreement with Kristi, Liz, Evelyn & Dove.

If your daughter already knows someone, that's one thing, but to go "shopping" specifically for someone with special needs (that you don't personally know) is a bit much.

Dove - posted on 04/04/2013

12,119

0

1353

I rated the 'crap' out of your first post though, Kristi. ;) You said what I was thinking MUCH better than I would have worded it.... which is why I didn't respond when I read this yesterday. ;)

Kristi - posted on 04/04/2013

1,355

3

78

Liz and Evelyn--

Thank you for being so much kinder and more diplomatic than I was. I'm sure your comments will be taken more seriously as they were not made out of anger and full of disgust and sarcasm like mine was. Well done. ♥

Ev - posted on 04/04/2013

8,003

7

918

I have to say that the idea might be a good one but in all accounts below I have to agree with them there. Those with special needs or developmental delays just want to be a part of their communities and known for who they are not their problems that give them their delays. It makes it rough on them if people focus on that rather than on the human that has the condition. It will hurt feelings more if they find out this was some sort of charity act or done to make someone else feel good about doing a "good thing". Unless your daughter knows someone who is actually like this and likes this person for who they are then she is not going to "go out somewhere and find a date for prom" as you so gently put it. As for asking at schools, programs, and such, the officials there have certain rules about pointing out who their clients and students are because of privacy issues. If they go telling everyone about this one kid with autistic behavior they will be violating not only that kid's privacy and his family's privacy but also well being; they are also breaking state and federal laws. The only chance she has for taking a date that is autistic is someone she already knows from school, church, or a program she is in. Good luck but for the sake of the kid with Autism, please do not do it to give him a chance at something he might not get to do normally; do this because he is liked by your daughter and is a friend of hers in the first place. I have a son who is in the Autism spectrum. He is very high functioning. But I would not want someone to take him to prom or other school major events to give him the chance to go when he might not be able to. I would want him to go because this person likes him. Besides, he is not able to attend this year, he has to wait a bit. But we have discussed it. I told him he should at least go his senior year and make an appearance for a while....he did not have to have a date or anything. Just go and have a bit of fun with friends and then leave at his own discretion. But anyway, once again good luck.

Firebird - posted on 04/03/2013

2,660

30

521

Kelsey, just because your brother went to prom with one of your girlfriends, doesn't mean that every Autistic boy is going to get that chance. They aren't all high functioning as I'm sure you know.

Rachel, when you and your daughter are looking for someone to escort her to prom, make sure to stay low key about it, the last thing you want to do is upset someone by making them believe that they can't have a moment like this without someone else's charity.

Kelsey - posted on 04/03/2013

194

0

55

I don't want to sound mean here, but why wouldn't Autistic boys usually have the chance of going to prom? My brother is on the higher scale of autism, he went to both of his proms with one of my girlfriends at the time.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms