My daughters father is disrespectful and doesnt help..

VANESSA - posted on 11/07/2010 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I have 3 yeard old, and her dad has been in and out of the pic. I have full custody because he signed over his rights, but I dont want to take her dad away even though he doesnt help and hes very disrespectful. I keep being told, that it is better to keep him away because my daughter need stability. What should I do?

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Laura - posted on 11/08/2010

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Having worked in social services with kids from abusive backgrounds, I can tell you from my experience that consistency and stability from ONE loving parent is better than involving a "disrespectful", unpredictable and mostly absent parent. Your daughter's father has signed over his parental rights--that is a BIG indicator that he does not wish to be involved in her life! I suggest taking that hint and respecting it for the safety and security of your daughter. For now, leave him out of her life.



The points made about having dad in her life as a male role model are only partly true in importance. The QUALITY of that male role model must be considered! It is far better for your daughter, in the long run, to have no male role model than to have a bad one. Her biological father does not display positive behavior and the "disrespect" he shows you and, I assume, your daughter can have negative effects on her self esteem later in life. There are better male role models out there for your daughter to learn from: uncles, grandfathers, trusted male friends of yours, teachers, mentors through school programs(when she's older), church members/clergy, Boys & Girls Clubs, etc. The point is those role models can be found in other people who can show positive, stable behavior for her to learn from. Dad does not appear to be it!



As for telling her about her father: When she is old enough to start asking questions answer her truthfully but gently. Her father loves her enough to know that he couldn't take care of her the way she needed and that he had to leave the care up to you. Try not to demonize him too much--he is human and has his own problems and issues. Remember, too, that how you speak of him (and men in general) will also influence how your daughter grows up to perceive men! I hope this helps and best of luck to you!

Lisa - posted on 11/10/2010

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Vanessa, I am a single mother of two amazing kids. My ex-husband left after our second child was 3 days old and we haven’t seen him since. He called me after 5 years wanting to see them, before then I had been in church and went to a seminar about being a single mother and a child physiologist said that no dad is 100 times better than one that is in and out of a child’s life or one that will be disrespectful to either you or the child. Leaving the children IS DISRESPECTING THEM! So I did not allow him to see them, I do have full custody because I had no idea where here was and had to run it the newspaper that I was divorcing him, I told him if he wanted to see them he would have to file for visitation rights, move to where WE are and establish a residency HERE. He said he would…that was in 2007 and I am still waiting. My youngest will be 8 in February she doesn’t even know him; my oldest will be 11 and doesn’t remember him. I ask my son from time to time if he would like to contact his dad…he says no. I never talk bad about their dad, I always tell them funny stories about when we were together and crazy things he would do, I would hate to have them think that it was all my doing that he is not around, which I don’t think they would. But I took a stand for my kids in order for them to have a normal…ok somewhat normal life. Had I not taken that stand, we would have lived in a drama filed, hateful environment (of course there is always more to a story but I’m not trying to over whelm you). I took the advice from a professional child psychologist who has basically said what everyone else has said to you…no dad is better than a bad dad! I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

Danielle - posted on 11/07/2010

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I think I'd need a little more background on the situation to give a well thought out answer. I believe if the guy signed his rights over to you then he doesn't really want to be a part of your daughter's life. If he says he wants to make amends and try to be a father to your daughter then he needs to be consistent. People are right in saying she needs stability. One great mother is better than one great mother and an unpredictable father who lets her down all the time. If it were me, I'd arrange his visitations through the court system, supervised access, so that all his visits were being recorded. If he is sincere in wanting to be a part of your little girl's life he'll show up.

Dena - posted on 11/08/2010

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My advice is this....remove anybody from your life that does not bring a healthy attitude, joy, love etc. If he is being disrespectful to you, your daughter will see that and think it is okay. I would only allow him in her and your life if he treats you with respect and treats your daughter with love. If he signed over his rights to his child, that sends up a big red flag!! Children are blessings and we, as parents, only have one shot of raising them well, with love, joy, happiness, strength, hope, respect etc...There are no do-overs on raising our kids so we have to try to get it right the first time. Good luck!!!

Theresa - posted on 11/07/2010

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You need to do what's best for your daughter. Children watch their parents for ques about how relationships should be. If he is being disrespectful and mistreating you she will think that this is the normal way for a man to treat a woman. She will be accepting of a man treating her that way later on. If you want her to have a healthy respectful relationship with a man some day that you need to have relationships that show her that. Also if he is in and out of the pic maybe that isn't the best for her. She will start to rely on him , then have him disappear for awhile just to show up again later. Obviously we don't know all the details here, but from the little you've said it sounds to me like she'd be better off without him. You can explain to her when she's older that even though he loved her he just didn't have the ability to be a stable father. When she's old enough she can make a decision if she wants to let him be part of her life or not.

19 Comments

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User - posted on 09/08/2013

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My son's father continues to disrespect me and call me names to his friends. It has driven my 9 year old son to tears. I try to tell him to stop crying because I am not crying. I try my best to make light of this behavior. Help!!

Kashannise - posted on 12/27/2010

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i think you jus answered your question he does not need to be in your child's life. kids need stability and love that hw they grow. if you want later in your daughter life, when her father becomes more mature you can let her get to know him. but for right now you are who she need. if her father never becomes the person she need in a father then he just lucked out.

Susan - posted on 11/10/2010

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I am in a similar situation with my girls' Dad. He is awful to me and while he claims to love them, he isn't supporting them so I am a bit confused as to what parental love consists of. If he is abusive to you and your daughter then it is best he stays away. If he is not abusive but merely disinterested in his daughter, then you stay away from him and let him see his daughter. He will lose interest soon enough and you won't have to be the one she says "kept Daddy away" She AND you deserve a loving man in your lives. It is a shame that it isn't her father....

Heather - posted on 11/10/2010

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What a heartbreaking situation! I have to agree that no relationship is better than a bad relationship. Protecting your daughter and helping her grow up healthy both physically and emotionally is your biggest priority. Best of luck!

VANESSA - posted on 11/09/2010

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He signed over his rights cus he didnt wnat her when she was born, Than I gave him a pic of her and hr beoke that. That was all in the bginiing. We still fight and argur alot, because he likes to do things on his time, but when he is there, she is sooooooooooooooo happy. Its just hardbreaking because I am in the military also and I know when I transfer he wont be there, and I dont want her to get to attached to someone who will probably stop responding once we leave. He sbeen in and out of the pic since she was 18months, and its been hard, but thats why I realize now more than ever, that woman are stronger than man.

Stifler's - posted on 11/09/2010

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I agree that if given up his rights means what I think it means he probably doesn't want to be involved.

LUCY - posted on 11/09/2010

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Been there, done that! better to have no dad, than a bad dad, why put your children though that - some men are just crap at fatherhood two of my children have not seen their father for over eight years and they dont want to as he was so horrible, when I met my new partner my then four year old would ask him if and when he was going to get mad every day!

Dena - posted on 11/08/2010

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Excellent response by Laura Snow...You hit the nail on the head !!! Listen to her Vanessa...She knows what she is talking about. Your daughter is your first priority. She needs you to be strong for her.

Angie - posted on 11/08/2010

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I don't think he is providing her any stability if he's in and out of her life. However, if he is a loving, safe father for her when he's with her, I think I'd let him continue to be a part of her life for a couple of reasons:
1. She needs to have a man in her life so she can learn how a man should treat a woman - good and bad (as long as he is not abusive to either you or her).
2. The day may come when she wonders why you kept her away from her father, who in her eyes, was always kind, loving and probably always brought her presents.
Good luck, I know this is heartbreaking for you.

Trish - posted on 11/08/2010

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You gotta look at the bigger picture...what is better for your little girl? Get a piece of paper and write down the pro's and cons of having him in her life right now. If he is unstable and disrespectful...you gotta set him straight. He needs to man up and stop acting like a douche bag. You guys brought a life into this world and that a major responsibility. Weigh up the pro's and cons...What is better for your daughter in the long run.

Brandy - posted on 11/07/2010

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so hes in and out of the pic? and he gave up rights? i think thats your answer. of course thats only my opinion, but do you really want to let your daughter develop a relationship with a father only for him to abandon her in the future?

Lynice - posted on 11/07/2010

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Hey Vanessa, who is the dad rude to you or your daughter. Just want to get a clearer picture?

I was a solo mum am now in a realtionship.
The father to my daughter is always in her life because she needs a daddy, she needs her daddy and she loves him dearly.
My ex husband and I were just aweful to each other when we separated. I hated him and we would always fight. Here is the thing though, we never did it when our daughter was around and she never saw the hate. When ever she is around we keep everything friendly and normal. Its between him and I, not our daughter. As much as I dislike my ex husband, I never tell my daughter that. And my ex husband dosnt do the same either.
My daughter sees her dad on his turf, never at our house so therefore the fighting never starts or disagreements.
Also I say this as nicely as possible. This is between you and your childs father. Dont let your family get involved or friends. Use them to vent on, but never let them get involved. It only makes it worse for your daughter.
Kids adapt to things really well if it is calm and happy.
My daughter has a huge family that she just loves. She has this concept that the more aunts, uncles, grand parents she has the more pressies she will get for her birthday and xmas. She loves it, but we have kept it peaceful for her.
My daughters father dosnt pay any maintenance and as much as I hate it, I dont own my daughter and therefore cant take her away from her dad out of my own spite. She will make up her own mind one day and decide what she wants. Until then, I bite my tongue as she is happy!!

Tootie - posted on 11/07/2010

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as hard as it is to keep her away from dad, it's what you and her need. First off, if ur not happy that rubs off onto her and she needs ur full attention and she needs you happy. She also needs stability and to be around a good roll model. with that being said, someone who is dissrespectfull and not on the same page with what you want for your daughter shouldn't be in her life..no matter who it is. She (and you) needs nothing but positivity in her life. She's very impresionable and you want whats best for her. He's not imputing in her life and he's not a good roll model, what does he need to be there for? It's ultimatly ur decision but always think about whats Best for you and if you think what you do is best for HER! Not what you want but what she needs or DOESN'T Need.
I hope everything turns out ok for you and her. God Bless.

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