My deployed husband all of a sudden isn't in love with me anymore. We have been together 8 yrs with a great relationship. He is a civilian military contractor. we did Iraq in 2008 for 6 months and he came back fine. he was home for a yr and deployed to Afghan for a yr and came home ok at first then he started changing. zero patience wanted space which is fine but almost more than normal. he became angry short tempered no sex drive which is odd and no compassion or emotions towards me. It is now a yr later and he has justleft again after i begged him not to go. He is jn school right now for 10 weeks and will be home in four weeks before leavjng for his yr in afghan again. Since he has been in school be has been distant not too much more than when he was here but being gone you would think he would miss me. i expressed my thoughts to him which by the wqy he doeant commuincate he only listens and gives a one sentence reply that he doesn't put forth any effort to keep this marriage afloat and he said thqt maybe he feels different. He said he loves me dearly but not in love with me and it is norhing i have done. I tried to get him to go to counseling for him as i see qlot of signs of depression but he refuses counseling or marriage counseling. This totally blindsided me as he mentioned he ia not in love with me anymore and doeant know what he wants. He does feel he says that he believes deploying does have something to do with it. He feela he needs to find himself. I love jim so much and this is sooo out of left field for me. He said he has felt this way for a while but i know his patterns and thinga were fone before Afghan and wince he has been home there not at all aside from the first few montha of him being home he was his normal sweet self and then he juat became distant. If he is like this while he is in school what will another yr do to him us and our family. Im trying to be understanding and hope this is a phase but damn i am hurt and blindsided to hear he isnt in love with me....
Judi - posted on 09/06/2012
I don't have any advise, but in reading your follow-up post, I can see that you are a strong resourceful woman that will be able to make the right decission for you.
In your post you are hurting and by talking (writing - but you know what I mean) you have put down your feelings, it always hurts when you are told that someone doesn't love you, especially someone that has loved and cared with you.
Be strong and I hope that something clicks in his emotional mind to step back into love with you.
Mikki - posted on 09/05/2012
Ladies thanks for replying and yes Melissa that was so uncalled for. I am by far naive and not silly by any means but would like to get outside opinions especially from military wives who have been through the deployment cycle. I am thinking he is lost mentally right now and Sharon I do feel the way you do as far as him being mentally stuck there and physically being here and I get all that because my brother and husband work for the same company and it has totally messed up my brother and my gut is my husband is lost right now even though there is the possibility he could be cheating which I am not oblivious to that possibility. i know him I know his patterns and this last yr he has gone through so many changes not just with me but the kids as well. He has clearly told me it has fu#@ed him up and believe him all the signs are there. In finding himself it would be better if he was here with the support of his family but doing it alone may be what he needs. To be honest I appreciate he was honest with me he could have kept that to himself but he didn't. He has such a hard time communicating which he has always had that problem even as a kid. He hasn't said he wants a divorce he just says that he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't feel he is in love with me. I can't let this consume me as I did the first few days as it was a total shock. I just hope in finding himself he ends up with the person he started with....me....and if this is all because of cheating than he is a damn fool and she can have him because I am too good of a woman to be the mother to his three kids and an excellent wife and if he feels all of a sudden that someone is worth losing what meant the world to him before this Afghan yr than so be it..... :(
Lacye - posted on 09/05/2012
First off, Melissa that was completely uncalled for. I mean really, She came on this site to get advice not to have people insult her and treat her like that.
Mikki, you might want to look and find a lawyer soon. If you don't, your husband might. From the sounds of it, he's moved on already. I don't mean cheating, although that is what it sounds like, but emotionally, he is just not there with you. It's going to hurt for a while but you are going to have to pick up the pieces and accept that he just doesn't want to be with you anymore.
Sharron - posted on 09/05/2012
You have to remember the army life is totally diff than home life, its regimented, its like a mistress to you. So just give it time and patient..... U both have been through hell... He feels safe there.... I know it sounds silly bullets flying and all but its the feelings side I am talking about
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