my ex buys stuff for Miss 10 but won't let her bring it home

Andy - posted on 06/29/2014 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I don't know how to deal with this situation. my ex's new wife makes miss 10 change her clothes when they come to pick her up. She has all the latest toys and gadgets and clothes at his place but is not allowed to bring them home. I can't afford to buy these things for her and although she understands, it really doesn't seem very fair. Last weekend my ex-inlaws bought her a new pair of jeans, but she has to leave them at his house.
I just don't know what to do.

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Chet - posted on 07/03/2014

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I'm not saying this is how it is with your situation at all, but I've certainly known families that were on the other side of this.

One parents buys things and wants them stay at their house so it feels like the child's home. It's not a house they visit, where they live out of a suitcase. It's a home that has a full wardrobe of clothing and a full selection of toys and books and activities. Nobody is trying to be mean. The parent just wants to know that they can say, "let's go for a walk or to the park" without the kid saying "I can't, the sneakers you bought me are at mom's" or "the coat you bought me is in the wash at mom's".

I agree that your daughter can talk to her dad about this, but it's between her and him.

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Mina - posted on 07/02/2014

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I meant Jen Eli sorry Jenny Trick I was sleepy when I was typing sorry darling

Jenny - posted on 07/02/2014

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Mina Macanto, I never said anything about anyone being poor or anything thing about Africa. Cheers!

Mina - posted on 07/02/2014

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Jen Eli not all africa is poor like they display in tv I used to live in africa and its far from what ppl have in their heads

Jenny - posted on 07/01/2014

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That can not be easy Jen and I feel for you. Each situation is really different. My ex and I both buy the kids some what similar clothes so it isn't an issue if he ends up with some of my stuff and I end up with his stuff. Parenting when you are dealing with these situations are so difficult. Stay strong and always remember to create memories with your children that they will appreciate and love remembering down the road. Hugs to all!

User - posted on 07/01/2014

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He pays support I take it so he is paying for her stuff at your home and buying stuff at his. If he wanted it to be at yours he'd offer more support. Be thankful they treat her so good. My older 2 girls would come back in rags you see kids in on those starving child commercials and I had little to no child support (usually he skipped out) and GED skip visits most of the year too so my working lessened more! I had to rebuy underwear even! After each visit (even 2 hour ones) they'd come back with no undies a ragged shirt and pants... all clothes including undies (if any came my way) were ragged used and nasty like they dumpster dove in a hut in Africa and they were literally 5 sizes too big or small yet I had to pry a pair almost ripped my middle ones skin they were so tight! So while you complain she has what she needs with you but he's buying his daughter super nice stuff... some moms like I had to cry to sleep wondering if they'll have school clothes for next week... it only stopped when (After 2 years and thousands in clothes... coats... barrettea... earnings... backpacks....school stuff etc) I wrote visit daddy clothes on all the junk they sent my way and wrote how dad got me this and keeps my nice school clothes this outfit is my outfit to visit my dad in. So I really get it sucks but you could be having an actual crisis on clothing your kid not just shirt feelings or jealousy.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/01/2014

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I don't see it as childish behaviour for one parent to have things at their home that are specifically for use by the child whilst in their home. They aren't telling the primary custodian that she has to provide the extras for their home, they are simply telling the child that what they purchase stays in their home for her use.

Child support paid to the primary custodian is for the purpose of purchasing necessities for the child that can remain in the primary custodian's home.

Actually, it can be more convenient for the kid, because they don't have to pack a bag every time they go to the other parent's home. If the OP does not receive child support, or does receive child support but still has trouble meeting the needs of her child while in her home, there are other avenues to research.

Jenny - posted on 07/01/2014

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My ex had similar rules, but ended up giving in. If you tell your daughter to speak with her dad about these things he may eventually breakdown. If she doesn't feel comfortable talking to him have her write him a letter. Sometimes people need to see exactly how they are acting and how they are hurting someone to realize it themselves. You said exactly what you needed to, it is dads rules. Unfortunately you can't control his childish behavior.

Ev - posted on 07/01/2014

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Mina--

Its unfortunate but that is how it happens with a lot of families where the parents are divorced or separated. I even had to deal with this for a while with my ex where our kids were concerned. But in the end it worked out, my son carries a good portion of his clothing with him between houses as its all he has. It costs too much to maintain the clothing for two homes and now that my ex has 3 step sons and two younger daughters (son's half sisters), they have other kids to deal with too.

Andy--
Do you not get child support?

Mina - posted on 07/01/2014

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Thats very mean thing to do to the child what kind of people are they if y give someone something they should not be so bossy with toys or bikes yeah it should stay there but shoes clothes thats for the kid smh

Jenny - posted on 06/30/2014

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Moments pass but memories don't. Always create great moments with Miss 10. That is what she will remember. The negative moments that she experiences will not have an impact on what she remembers as positive memories. Don't fret over any of the stuff that you can not control.

Jenny
Mother and Co-Creator of brokenfamilysolutions.com

Andy - posted on 06/30/2014

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thanks everyone for your response. I can see your point.. I can't spend the money on her so I spend the time. She understands the I can't compete with clothing, but she doesn't get why if it's hers, she can't wear it all the time, regardless of where she is. I just don't know how to explain that. I guess because I don't really get it myself. I don't mind them buying her stuff, but surely if it's hers, it's hers, regardless of where she is living.

For example. She recently went on a walking/camping trip with the school and needed some good walking shoes. I had to loan her my sneakers with some big socks, because hers were getting a bit too worn to handle the trip and I spent my spare cash on a sleeping bag so she could go. But at her dad's place she has 3 pairs of brand new top quality sneakers. But he won't let her wear them when she's with me.
All I could say to her is... That's dad's rules. You can ask him, but if he says no, you have to accept that.

Ev - posted on 06/30/2014

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i have to agree with what Shawnn added to this. Its not a contest nor is it about material things. You are all going to give her things material and not material as she grows up. Its going to be different.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/30/2014

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Like Evelyn said, if the ex and his wife are purchasing items (or his parents are) and want them to stay with them, that is their right. I know that you feel that it's 'not fair' for her to have part time access to things that are essentially 'hers', but in truth, if you want her to have the same stuff at your home, you'll need to purchase it.

I do think its nice that his new spouse feels enough of a connection to purchase things for her.

The thing is, it's not a popularity contest between you and your ex. She gets different things from each parent, whether it be material gifts or things that are less tangible.

Ev - posted on 06/30/2014

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There is not much you can do. If they decide to buy her stuff and want it left there it has to stay. You have no say in what she gets to bring home from the ex's home that the new wife has bought for her.

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