My ex hubby wants back with his family but has a new baby on the way!!

Elizabeth - posted on 02/24/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have a 3 years old son and got divorced in 2015. We were married almost 3 years and were together for a total of 9 years. During our time apart he started spending time with a girl that was like a little sister to him and she got pregnant. He determined he didn't want to be with her and a few months later realized he wanted his family back. We began to form a friendship after months of strictly co-parenting and I found that we had both grown a lot and were individuals that could now make a marriage work. Then he told me about the baby and that they were never in a relationship and she wanted to be with him and has had a crush on him forever, but she is also gay and very understanding and will just be okay. Now here we are, my ex and I dating and parenting, the baby isn't here yet and she is texting and calling him everyday just to shoot the breeze. I do not want to deal with a clinger and I have made it clear that if we enter into a relationship they can't be friends, but I don't think she is going to get it because she asks him to the movies and to eat all the time. I have made my stance clear that in the future she is not in it, but his son is. I just want to hear of any other similar experiences and insight. This is a really odd situation and not one I ever thought I would be in, which is why it took him so long to tell me. But we are great together and have the perfect loving, fun relationship.

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MaryAnn - posted on 02/24/2016

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Are you certain BF is ready for this? She cant interrupt without your BFs consent to this. Whether she is okay with it or not does not matter. It may take 18 years, but it all comes out in the wash. You, and to a very important extent, your BF, are not responsible for her feelings and actions. You, and to a very important extent, your BF are only responsible for how you let her actions and feelings affect your lives.

Raye - posted on 02/24/2016

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Well, if he has a child with this other woman a couple things need to happen....
1) He needs to make it clear to her that he's not interested in a romantic relationship with her. All communication should be about the child. When that child is born, he should go to court to get visitation set, so both parents know what their rights are, and it should reduce drama about the mother trying to control his visitation with his child.
2) You need to realize that she is the mother of one of his children, and will always be in his life. They don't have to be best buds, but they should remain on good terms for the sake of the child.
3) Assuming your relationship with him works, you will be a step-parent to this other child. You need to have no resentments or conflict about this child. You and he need to come up with rules and consequences for all children so there is fairness and the kids all know where they stand with you as parental figures.

I am a step-mom, and these relationships are hard. You all need to work together to act in the best interests of the children, even if there's some things you don't particularly like. I didn't like going to see the new Star Wars movie with my husband, his two kids, his ex wife, her boyfriend and the boyfriends two kids. But I suck it up and get along for the sake of the kids. If you can't do shit like that, then don't enter back into this relationship.

If you choose not to get back into a relationship with him because of the drama, then you should also go to court, get custody/visitation hammered out, then be a good mom to your son. But realize that he will have someone else in his life that will be the step-mom to your child, and you will have to deal with that person, too. You have to decide which scenario you are better able to adapt to.

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Elizabeth - posted on 02/24/2016

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Thank you and I don't want to categorize her. My ex says she is gay, and he is the exception, but I believe she is clearly bisexual. My problem is the clinginess and pettiness. She is much younger than us also and I am 99% sure she wants to be with him and loves him romantically. I can be an awesome step parent and get along with her if she is respectful of me and my exs relationship. They originally didn't work out because he didn't want to be in a relationship, he had parental obligations to our son because we split time, and he spent time with us instead of her. In a perfect world we would do everything we need to for our kids but I don't think she will be okay with him being with me even though she says she is because she is constantly interrupting our time together. I also don't know if she will be okay with me being a step parent to her kid or having another one which I hope to do so in a couple of years. She also shares a birthday with me and wants to name her son very similarly to mine which is weird and not my exs choice. She has also never said one word to me the two times we have been around each other. Not a hello or anything.

MaryAnn - posted on 02/24/2016

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Hi :) When I was 20, I broke up with a long time boyfriend because he wasnt ready for marriage and children. He almost immediately procreated with some woman he hardly knew. After three years, I married him, got pregnant shortly after (we planned it!) and I certainly wouldnt say our marriage is perfect- we have several problems- but we are generally happy, and we're still very much in love. IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY.
We didnt rekindle. Our relationship is entirely new. In the time inbetween, we both changed a LOT. Before getting together, we BOTH had to grieve what we had and let it die- it would never be the same. And my SD, now 4, was never made to be a part of that.
Stepmoming isnt easy. It requires a lot of compartmentalizing- separating parental love and personal responsibility (which is... Kind of vital for *young* step children) from parental responsibility and rights (which you will never have).
It requires the constant reminder of his sexual and romantic past, which you will have to accept without remorse, judgement, jealousy or resentment. His former partner will be a part of your life... Well, you are also a bioparent in this equation... So forever.
He will need to have a positive relationship with her, and you will need to accept that, again, no remorse, judgement, jealousy or resentment.
You will need firm personal, marital, family unit boundaries, and although your step child has two families, you will need to treat her as an equal in your unit at all times.
And speaking of the ex, you NEED to stop calling her gay. You dont know her like that. You dont need to isolate her, or define her into a box. However, if she IS gay, I dont see why there cant be friendship for everyone. If its a feasible option, WHY NOT.
My hubbys ex is (kind of) my friend, and her willingness to accept our son as their daughter's sibling (none of us use "half") is EXTREMELY beneficial to all of us. Although she is not overly involved in our unit, she can hold him and play with him- shes even bought him gifts. We do not have any image that shes good enough for SD but must be kept away from her sibling. It is SO important to not cast the ex away. She is, and always will be, your stepchild's parent... And shes not going away.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/24/2016

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I absolutely understand she will be they but I have boundaries. Yes, we will have to be at birthday parties and plays and sporting events, but she doesn't need to call and shoot the breeze or text everyday about things not pertaining to her child. I finally think she understands that my ex isn't going to the movies with her or out to eat with her because she doesn't have anyone else to go with. Now if we can get some boundaries up so that she is not crowding our time and space as a couple is my concern. The baby isn't here yet and she is very clingy. I want her to have a good coparenting relationship with both me and my ex, but that does not mean we all have to be friends. I coparented successfully for a year without being friends with my ex and we even did things together with our little one.

Dove - posted on 02/24/2016

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She is going to be a very regular part of his life for a minimum of the next 18 years. If that isn't something you can handle then you probably should not be in a romantic relationship w/ him and just stick to co-parenting and being friends (kind of like he sounds like he will be w/ her).

Sarah - posted on 02/24/2016

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" But we are great together and have the perfect loving, fun relationship. "
Really? A man who desires his wife and child back does not have sex with a "sister like" woman. She obviously isn't gay, but bisexual. You position that his son may be in the picture but she may not be involve is not realistic. They are linked through that child forever. School functions, religious events, holidays, birthdays. They have a child together, it is better if they are friends and co-parent amicably. Would you rather he lie about his relationship with his child's mother?

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