My ex husband and his wife want me to drop child support case to benefit them!

L - posted on 02/01/2012 ( 208 moms have responded )

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Help, come Friday when I drop off my kids to spend the weekend with their father, his wife and him want to sit down and have a chat. He is now getting permanent disability and he is afraid the once they award him with back pay, child support is going to take it. He is $46k in arrears to his children and I. I feel that thy are going to try to pressure me to feel sorry for them that they have to pay this. Well I have had to support our kids and no one was helping me. His is unfair, how do I avoîd a potentially awkward conversation. We have all been getting. Along just fine, I have been more that patient. This is his debt!! Right

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Jolene - posted on 02/02/2012

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I agree with the sentiments 100% of the other ladies that you are due the money and he needs to pay. However, I do not agree that you should not talk to him. As grownups sometimes we must have difficult conversations. By refusing to talk to him your are setting precedence of being uncooperative and unwillingly to at least discuss things. The reality is that regardless of how much of a dead beat he is, you two are still co-parenting together in some form. There WILL be a time when there is an issue with one of the kids and you need to talk to him about and he may refuse based on your actions.



Also, what kind of example are you setting for your kids about dealing with uncomfortable situations? No matter how much the adults think kids don’t know or are not privy to, I believe the adults are wrong about 98%. Kids know a whole lot more than we adults often give them credit for.



If child support is the subject be polite but firm. Tell them it is out of your hands and in the hands of the child support enforcement agency. If they persist on insisting you give it back or some other such nonsense then politely and firmly tell them it is not up for discussion and politely leave.



I would suggest that you meet in a neutral location when the kids are not around. I do not feel it is necessary for the new wife to be there but that is up to you. I undertsand they will talk about things as any couple should but new spouses are not entitled to be a part of parenting conversations. And if she is going to be there then you need to bring someone you trust and can stay cool. It should NOT be two agianst one. I always found Denny’s an excellent place to meet with my ex over uncomfortable situations. Good luck.

Iridescent - posted on 02/01/2012

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Honestly, if he were having such a hardship with child support, he had the option to take it back to court to be adjusted appropriately. The fact that he simply hasn't shows that he really didn't care enough to bother and was hoping you'd simply write it off this ENTIRE time. That's not fair to you or your kids. That money can be used for any number of things to benefit you and your children, and is truly none of their business. It is a debt owed.

[deleted account]

It's not YOUR child support... it's your CHILD'S support... and not up for discussion. ;)



Good luck!

[deleted account]

Leesa.



I went through this with my ex he owed back support and asked me to drop the support order and he would pay me directly. I stood my ground and let him live up to his obligation which he still did not pay. It finally got paid after (6) years, tax returns being taken and wage garnishment. I had many requests over the four years for various reasons from him to release him I never wavered. I think our daughter stated it best to him directly when he called and she answered (she was 20 at the time) "Dad you had (2) obligations when you got divorced from mom one was to help support your only child financially and the other was to maintain a relationship with me, which you have failed at both. This is your responsibility not mom's problem, step up and be a man".



Remember this is not personal it is a legal obligation as a parent that he be responsible for his children, keep reminding yourself that this is a legal issue not a personal issue. It is a debt, his credit card company or mortgage holder would continue to hold him accountable. If he really had a hardship and could prove it he can go back to the court and let the legal system decide.



KEEP REPEATING TO YOURSELF THIS IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY AND NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Firebird - posted on 02/01/2012

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Iridescent nailed it on the head. When my ex lost his job I advised him to take the appropriate steps to have his payments adjusted. I told him exactly what he needed to do, and I even offered to give him the gas money to get to the city to do it. It is not my problem that he couldn't be bothered. So when he racked up $4800 in arrears, all he got was a big, fat "I TOLD YOU SO!". =) I'm not his mother, I will not hold his hand just to make sure he takes care of himself.



Your ex's finanacial situation is not your problem. As for his wife... well, if she didn't want to be stuck with child support payments, she should have thought of that before she married the man! Stand your ground, your concern is your children.

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208 Comments

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Mary - posted on 08/17/2012

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He doesn't owe you anything, but his kids he owes $46k. You don't have to talk to him at all. I would let the courts take care of it. It is his debt and he owes it to his children. Good luck.

Mickey - posted on 08/12/2012

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I'd be interested to know what happened?
A few important tidbist of information that I was given once about what to do if the "ex" says they want to sit down and have a conversation:
1. Ask for an agenda before hand so you are aware of what the issues are to be discussed and stay ON TASK.
2. Meet in a public place WITHOUT children present.
3. Only agree to meet and discuss with the other parent. Third parties need NOT be involved.
4. If the "ex" is unwilling to meet your requests, then the "discussion" is not important.

Gayla - posted on 02/07/2012

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I have not read all the replys.. I just need to say that yes he does owe you, but you may never get it. As a child who's dad gave up rights to her and never paid any child support to a mom that had two teenage daughters that I got very little child support and help with the things, I just need to say, to remember he is the childrens father. I see my dad that never wanted me.. I don't have a great relationship, but I have learned over the years that he loves me the only way he knows how. My girls father, I never let my children know that he could be doing alot better, and they have a wonderful relationship with him and with their step dad today.. My grandchildren have two grandfathers that love them so very much.. and my ex and I are very good friends.. yes he could have helped more.. but the relationship between us and our children and grandchilden is worth so much more that money. Having help could have made out lives easier, but with the Lord's help we made it just fine.. and my children are stronger for the hardships. My ex and me and my husband now are friends.. we do alot of things togther with our grandchildren.. and you know none of those hard feelings, or the money that was owed me back then are even an issue.. Pray about it.. anger and resentment will only cause heartbreak for your children..

Tovah - posted on 02/07/2012

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If they take his disability money from him to pay back child support that is on the court & government . You have no control over how you get the child support. You should not feel guilty for receiving support. Just tell him you have no control & if you receive some or all of his back disability, its not your fault.

Natalie - posted on 02/07/2012

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You absolutely should not feel sorry for him. His situation is unfortunate...but oh well. I'm sorry I don't feel bad for him or any man trying to get out of supporting his children and neither should you.

Rena - posted on 02/06/2012

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I agree completely. We all make choices in life, but your children didn't have a choice in any of this. There were times that 'maintenance enforcement' garnished income tax refunds, etc. from my exhusband to collect arrears and my sympathy for him would last about a nano second, and then I would remember that our daughter deserved to be well supported, and if it hadn't been for me she certainly wouldn't have been. If your ex is $46k in arrears you have been very patient. Don't be a doormat! Good luck.

Anastasia - posted on 02/06/2012

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I don't think that you can drop it, since it technically belongs to the child. So even if you wanted to, I really don't think that you can. Here is something that I found, but the man answering is from NJ, so you might do some research about this for your state.



http://www.freeadvice.com/law-questions/...

Tracy - posted on 02/06/2012

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I am not sure Child Support will take his disability, you might want to call around and ask...certain things are exempt...Good luck and take Care.

Rebecca - posted on 02/06/2012

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These are his children too...so it's also HIS responsibility to help pay for them..HE made these children with YOU first of all..not with YOU and his now wife...she shouldn't be involved in ANY discussion with you and your ex about your children...(I deal with that as well)..if I were you, I would simply tell them that you are not going to talk about this and that it is his responsibility to pay for his children which is expected out of any good parent, to help support their children...Good Luck with everything!!!

Jenn - posted on 02/06/2012

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you have every right to it for your children and he really has no say in what the state does, they are gonna take it no matter what he says, its just not an option and they will continue to take child support out of his disability as well.



Good luck!

Patricia - posted on 02/06/2012

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Support is support. its his fault hes gotten into arrears. He should have taken care of his responsibility. And for his new wife to butt in is repulsive.

Erin - posted on 02/06/2012

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Don't give in and don't be a doormat anymore! You have taken more than your fair share and he needs to cough up what he owes you and your kids. Just tell him, you will let the court settle it and are not going to step in on his behalf. If you buckle you will regret it and so will your kids. Don't forget you will have braces/glasses/higher education to worry about in the future....all of which are expensive and all of which your ex won't help pay for. Find your backbone and stand up for yourself. Afterall you are showing your kids that women should get walked all over if you don't.

Jessica - posted on 02/06/2012

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Compromise. If it's a large sum that they're going to be getting, say more than $25K, split it in some way that is fair (75% in your favor). I know it sucks that he owes that much money but you want him in a position to keep paying going forward. If he's already past due on his own bills this gesture on your part may help him stay afloat and prevent future awkwardness. And you'll still get a large chunk of money.

Misscraig - posted on 02/06/2012

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Your children deserve it! Its not your fault he hasnt paid and you have no reason to feel bad for him.

Monica - posted on 02/06/2012

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IIf he is permaneantly disabled, the social security admin. Will send you child support! I personally am a child that was in this situtation. The social security admin. Sent monthly checks to my mother on behalf of my dad. It did not affect the amount he received.

E_j_p_1989 - posted on 02/06/2012

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I say if the conversation crops up well what do you think I did when you left me with the kids! I wish my daughters dad would even pay but that's men for you they like to wingle out of paying in every way possible! Put your foot firmly on the ground and tell him you owe the kids its not up for discussion and walk back to your car and go home, can gaurentee he'll be that shocked he can't get a word in before you've gone.



Good luck hun

Jennifer - posted on 02/05/2012

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The state will take so much out of his disability check to go to you and the kid's, I'm sorry but I wouldn't give in. Just remember the money is not for you , but it is for the kids and I they need it more than anything. I had the same problem with my ex and I told him that was not my money it was his son's and I'm not going to wright of his back child support caues it is my son's money.

Melita - posted on 02/05/2012

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Yes it is child support to help you with your child he owes you the money Ill bet you have spent more than he gives be strong it is for the future of your child if you owe someone you own good luck

Samantha - posted on 02/05/2012

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Simply tell your kids this matter is between ( insert the name of your state) and your father. It is up to the state.

Jennifer - posted on 02/05/2012

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I wish you luck. My ex owes over 90,000. for our 17&16 year olds. I've heard sob stories and promises from him and is wife. I listen and tell them I'm sorry they are having trouble,but this has been agreed on and signed by the judge. I also let them know the kids come first. I had a lady at the support office tell me that I have to help support the girl too. I laughed and said "Who do you think has been supporting them?" I never count on the support money.

Jackie - posted on 02/05/2012

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Don't even engage in that conversation. It's not up to you and your ex anyway.

Tyshieha - posted on 02/05/2012

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You are right but dont be scared to have the conversation. I understand how you feel but have the talk with them and then once it get to the conversation dont be rude, just tell them the trouth. It was hard on you when you didnt have the money and now that they are going to take the money from him tell them that you really do need the money. dont apologize just say that you are sorry about the situation but not sorry for what is happening.

Aurora - posted on 02/05/2012

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Just say no, you don't want to put yourself in a legal bind with the state for hooking him up. You can tell him that unless there is something pertaining to the children you don't want to discuss it.

Andi - posted on 02/05/2012

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I would write down a list of all the things that you cover for the kids. Even the bills for housing and water etc. Dr visits school fees and lunhes and clothes, shoes andything you can think of and add it all up and then give him that list over all the years and it will be lots more than that. Classes, sports, birthday gifts to friends, birthday parties it is never ending and even if you don't show it to them bring it --it will then be fresh in your mind and you will be able to refer to all you wrote down. $ has nothing on sleepless nights, sick kids, worry, waittime at Dr and schools etc. stay strong.

Connie - posted on 02/05/2012

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I agree with most of these posts, especially Graeme's. If you don't already have an attorney, you need to get one, unless child support enforcement is involved. If they are involved, they have already been notified of his filling for disability & anything associated with his social security number. And you should have been notified by CSE of their knowledge of the disability claim. The only way I finally got paid my daughter's child support arrears was after she turned 21 & the ex's disability was rewarded.



DO NOT for one minute feel bad. YOU have been your children's provider without any help from him! It IS his debt. just as if he owed the IRS!! and you better believe, they will not take a sob story & forgive!! DO NOT talk with them about it. You have been advised to not discuss this matter with him! (and you have, through all of us! LOL) Keep us informed! Stand strong! keep your focus on the kids!

Graeme - posted on 02/05/2012

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Easiest way? Tell them your lawyer has advised you you are not allowed to discuss it without his presence.



Don't engage in conversation about it under any circumstance, just shut it down before they can start.

Jane - posted on 02/05/2012

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I agree with everything that has been said. You need to be polite, but firm. If you ever feel like you're weakening and beginning to feel sorry for him, remember he stood by and let you pay for everything without an ounce of worry about the effect this had on you and HIS kids. Hope things work out for you

Aimee - posted on 02/05/2012

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If he has chosen not to pay his child support in regular installments, and has managed to rack up a $46k debt, well I would hardly feel sorry for him.

Its not your issue. When he was able bodied, he wouldnt pay, so why would you feel sorry for him now? To be honest, seems like kharma is coming to bit him in the arse. What goes around comes around.



Stick to your guns. At the end of the day, the money is to support your children, and isnt up to only you to pay the bills that children incur.



Tell him (and his wife) to suck it up, and pay their debt. As for the conversation, you dont have to talk to him if you dont want too, or rather if he starts to talk about money, just dont discuss it. Say its between him and the child support agency, you are not involved in the writing off of his debt.



Good luck!

Melissa - posted on 02/05/2012

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Don't feel bad you deserve the money for your kids.Who's been supporting them. YOU. All You!!!!!!!

Beth - posted on 02/05/2012

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May I ask his age and reason for disability? I think his children would receieve a monthly check if he receives one. Not sure, it may vary from state to state.

Lori - posted on 02/05/2012

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Well, if it's anything like our situation, you might not even get any support? My stepdaughter's mother owed us around $8,000 and fought to get on disability for several years. When she finally got it (She told my husband that she has a friend who works in social security who was going to get "the kind of disability where I won't have to pay you ANYTHING") she no longer owed us any child support or 1/2 of the medical bills. They retro'd it to when she first applied for disability. She got a huge chunk (about $25,000) from SS for the retro pay and we weren't able to get a dime of it.

Anything before that she does owe, which is around $2,000. We see $20 show up in our bank account every once in awhile. Ironically, her "disability" hasn't stopped her from working for cash and now going to beauty school, where she will conveniently graduate just after my stepdaughter turns 18.

Teresa - posted on 02/05/2012

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Let the court system do its job bec. your ex and his wife will surely not do a damn thing about supporting your kids. Time to stand up for your children and yourself. If you let them get away with this, he'll just keep doing it and doing it and before long -- you and your kids will be 6 feet deep in hardships. Good luck.

Gail - posted on 02/05/2012

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I didn't read through all the posts, but I am assuming you are in the US. Does not the disability have a portion provided for children? I myself am on government disability and there is a portion paid for each of my children, which actually went with them when they left home to go to post secondary school. You should bet that portion paid to you,not him.

Kerstin - posted on 02/05/2012

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Oh, or just ask them to submit their concerns in writing. Always good to have a record of these things. You're "too busy" for a sit down.

Kerstin - posted on 02/05/2012

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Sit down with a mediator. Then they can't team up and bully you. Or bring a strong, supportive friend.

Marjorie - posted on 02/05/2012

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He didn't feel sorry for you when you were sole provider for your children, tell him it is out of your hands. Good luck hope justice will be on your side and make him pay.

Christina - posted on 02/05/2012

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Dont do it. its his responsibility to take care of all his children its not your fault he cant afford it. But what they forget is its not to benefit you but your child.

Cynthia - posted on 02/05/2012

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I t is her money. She footed his share of the expenses (child support) of raising the kids. It came out of her pocket. It should go back into her pocket. I am sure as a mom she will use a great deal of it for her kids. But it is still her money.

Debi - posted on 02/05/2012

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I like the suggesting someone had earlier of taking a friend with you. Be sure and fill the friend in before, and let them comment back if your ex isn't too embarrassed to speak about it in front of your friend.

Debi - posted on 02/05/2012

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It IS his debt, yes. He owes it to you, absolutely. How do you feel about it? Do you want to forgive him some or all of it? If it were me, I would not drop your the child support case. You can make an agreement that "if" you do get all his back pay, that you are willing to give some back.... or some such agreement. If it's social security that he's getting, can that pay be garnished anyway? I would check with a legal aide person to get their opinion. Or an attorney if you're welling to pay

Eva - posted on 02/05/2012

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Yes, April, they DO exist, and I've got one of them. He's got two girls of his own that he is solely responsible for, because they've got a deadbeat mom, but he works his butt off to help take care of my son and daughter because my ex is another one sitting around on his butt claiming disability as a reason to deprive his kids of child support.

Cindy - posted on 02/05/2012

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i am fighting with disability & i do know that if u let the courts know that he is trying 2 get disability they will make him fill out paperwork 2 keep them informed if he gets it especially since he is soooo far behind!! i would check in2 it

Cindy - posted on 02/05/2012

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DO NOT DROP IT HE JUST DOESN'T WANT 2 PAY 4 THE KIDS THAT HE HELPED BRING IN2 THIS WORLD!!he got behind on HIS child support so he needs 2 pay 4 it !! why should u care if they take his money from him???

Cindy - posted on 02/05/2012

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DO NOT DROP IT HE JUST DOESN'T WANT 2 PAY 4 THE KIDS THAT HE HELPED BRING IN2 THIS WORLD!!he got behind on HIS child support so he needs 2 pay 4 it !! why should u care if they take his money from him???

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 02/05/2012

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Yes, child support goes by a percentage of ones income. It is never agreed by a judge for one person to provide more than they make.... So, if he/she is in arrears it is simply because they have been negligent in upholding their end of supporting their children. The person owed is not negligent, they may become owed arrears because they have gone to court during a divorce and have had a payment approved but the opposing side has not paid (upholded the judgement).



However, it is much like being sued, if the person sued owes it doesn't mean they are going to pay. Which means, until the prosecuter goes back to court and proves the negligence of the sued for payment, only then, in a support case, will their wages be garnished. Keeping in mind it costs dollars to go back to court to fight for what is suppose to be yours to support your child... not everyone has more money to continue prosecution, it is also a long process that not everyone has the strength to forgo.



Although, Leesa needs to fight for the backpay, where she has supported their 3 children solely for 7 years she is owed and deserves the money to put back to where she had to take it from in the first place.



This is my opinion, I am not advocating anyone else here agree's! ;)

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