Ellen - posted on 02/05/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )
January 9, 2011
I am desperate.
Im living in darkness. In a bad dream that I can not wake up from. February 2007 my then 3 year old daughter began coming home raw and red on her privates. I would soon find out why this one black day that still haunts me every second as she began to tell me of her very own father touching her privates. I was preparing to give my small daughter a bath when she said the words that would change my life forever. As I went to sit her in the water she started screaming �it burns, it burns no mommy.� I pulled her out and began to question what burned and why was she screaming. By this time I had pulled her out and asked her to look at it. She wanted to go in the closet for me to look at her in my bedroom. She was very raw and red. I asked her what happened and she said � my daddy hurt my cooter� I could not believe what I was hearing. I thought surely my child must be confused or he had washed her with harsh soap�a million thoughts were racing through my head�but not that she had been molested. It was not till a few days went by and I spoke with her more in detail that I became aware something was terribly wrong.
Giving a background on this man that I once was married to he is to say the least a troubled person. There have been times I thought he was literally the devil himself but never once would I have suspected him of ever molesting a child let alone his own flesh and blood. He is an alcoholic, deviate in thought with porn addictions and continuous affairs, there would be cruel and unusual punishment for me if I disobeyed him or questioned him for his behavior. I often believed he would kill me and still fear someday he may as I was told repeatedly one day I would disappear and no one would ever find me. There was deep physical, mental, emotional and even sexual abuse dealt to me relentlessly. We were divorced in August 2003 after he had an affair and eventually left me for a coworker. Initially I was angry and disgusted that he would have yet another affair and this time actually leave me for this younger woman. In time I grew to understand that I was also deeply disturbed from living in this sadistic abuse and was actually freed from my torment and could now heal and restore my life. Or so I thought.
Even following the divorce he tried to maintain control of me. He would threaten me however very carefully if I did anything that displeased him. Despite I tried to manage and keep going forward. This would prove to be my biggest task. I did overcome though and was feeling the sun was beginning to shine again�and then the unthinkable. After my daughter told me of what had transpired in her tiny words it shook my world. I could not make sense of it and have even felt I am to blame for what he has done to her. Maybe he did this to get at me because I had finally moved on. He knows that nothing could hurt or injure me that he did any longer except for them. My children. My whole reason to exist. So began this fight in court. It would take me pages and pages to explain what all happened. I am giving you the short version. After many months, interviews, CPS investigations, police proceedings he was cleared and nothing was done. He had told my daughter he was going to go to jail if she told anyone and that is was their �secret� and they even pinky promised in her words. He also told her he would kill me and she cried to me and told me �mommy I don�t want you to die� They said my child was not torn. Initially she told them what happened though not in great detail. Almost immediately she was temporarily removed from me and placed with her paternal grandfather by order of the judge so she could be futher frightened into silence. After I had turned him in for molesting my daughter he filed for sole custody of the children.
With a family of lawyers, judges and district attorneys on his side I was unaware that I did not have a chance. Despite what my mom had taught me that justice prevails and God sees all, the truth about our world is MONEY wins. You have it you can buy your justice. So out moneyed and layered after over 2 years in court of him delaying, resetting, me losing my job, house, all stabilty and sanity by this point I also lost custody of my children. He walked with the ultimate of sins because I was poor and desolate and was �financially stable� The Judge allowed all of his criminal history including our domestic violence his DWI�s and the testimony of several witnesses my daughter had made outcries to all being put in Limine as they felt the witnesses words were just hearsay even though they were outcries and the criminal activity would be �prejudicial towards him�. Not to mention during this 2 years of court my house got broke into several times. My door was kicked in twice, my vehicle sustained damages to locks and being keyed, windows broken out, and my dog poisoned. I knew this was him trying his best to frighten me.
However when presented to a jury with no background on this man it appears that I have a dangerous house and that I am very unstable and a paranoid lunatic. There are far worse and more horrifying things that were said to me by my daughter in regards to the abuse that I don�t care to mention or relive. I am haunted daily by them. I have often thought of that day and what I could and should have done in that moment when my 3 year old daughter divulged to me what had been done to her. Should I have murdered him to protect her? Should I have fled? How could this go so terribly wrong? I had even paid an expert in sexual abuse to evaluate my daughter. She confirmed my fears with her over 25 years in dealing with sexual abuse patients. Sadly at the end towards my trial she became ill with cancer and was too sick to be deposed so the judge would not allow her findings.
I have hours of recordings where I would just record from the time I picked her up , bed times, bath times, even down times just to capture the disturbing things my daughter was saying. None of them were ever listened to by ANY professional from the case accept the one I hired. So here I am. I often want to die, I often wish death on him for what he has done to my daughter. So I sit in this twisted reality full of hate anger and sadness. Trapped in a slow hell with people reassuring me one day it will all work out. NO ONE KNOWS THE WRATH AND FURY THAT BUILD IN MY SOUL. I had a scripture my momma repeated to me a 1000 times during this permanently tattooed on my chest after she passed away in September 2009 which was 1st Corinthians 4:5 as a message to him and all of those who concealed his darkness that GOD WILL BRING TO LIGHT EVERYTHING HIDDEN IN DARKNESS! And so I pray and I wait for it to be made right. My daughter remembers what he did though we no longer speak of it. And I will never forget nor forgive this abomination and assault against my daughters innocence. I pray hell and damnation consume him as they have consumed me. Please help me my life is a wreck. I know little can be done too get my daughter back at this point but I am destroyed. I want to get back on track find strength get a job and stability so I can get my children back. I don�t want to relive this every single day but I don�t know how to get the madness to end. This is my last hope that God will hear my cries and those unheard from my daughter. It sickens me to think how much this happens out there in this demented world. I need an ounce of faith restored to me from the damned in which I have become.