My ex is manipulating my daughter to choose a secondary school at his

Claire - posted on 03/02/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My daughter, who is 9 years old, has seen her father every other weekend since birth (he left to go back to his ex before she was born), always had a good relationship and I have never had to doubt his love for her, however we have had the usual ups and downs that separated parents have. We live 2 counties away and its a 2 hour journey between us; he went behind my back in September last year and put her in with a tutor where he lives, this tutor grooms children to pass a selective test for a private school he is willing to pay for her to go to, it put an obstacle in the way of plans for getting a tutor where we live (first hint of doubt on my side, I saw a solicitor), I then agreed for the tutoring to continue as my daughter seemed really happy with the tutor and I didnt want to upset that. since this time my daughter has progressed slowly at school but its still progress (so all good!), BUT the tutor and her father have had conversations with my daughter behind my back to go for the test at the private school and that the tutoring will take this course of action - it was Ellie who told me she was going to live with her father from Year 7 onwards as she will be going to the private school there so she has a good education which she wont get if she stays with me - help me I am stuck where to go from here; I have no problem with her living with her father and going to the private school, I have a problem with not being included in the decisions, being made to feel disrespected and undermined in front of my daughter and that I feel like this situation is being manipulated behind my back - help I really do not know what to do from here xx

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Ev - posted on 03/02/2016

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I have to agree with the others. Get things done legally so that you and dad know where you stand in obilgations to the court orders and what it comes to when decisions are made and how they are made.

Dove - posted on 03/02/2016

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Without court orders giving you both joint legal custody... there probably isn't anything you can do unless/until you go to court.

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Claire - posted on 03/02/2016

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Thank you all, when I saw the solicitor last year he said that as the primary carer and the primary carer from birth then legally I have to be consulted and he cant just decide what her education will be or where; in all honesty, if she passes the test to get into the school and if this is what she really wants then I would not stop her, and if he is willing to fork out £30k a year for it then she has a fabulous opportunity, I am not out to be awkward at all, I just feel completely pushed out and disregarded, and you know with everything I have put up with, kept mouth shut about and made the best of this is just such an absolute kick in the teeth - its the behaviour that causes us mums to be awkward and give separated dads a blooming bad name! This is not making me feel very good at all :( xx

Claire - posted on 03/02/2016

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We don't have court orders no, to be fair its been amicable ish for the last 9 years, weve had various ups and downs (like most), and seen a solicitor on a few occasions just to get the correct information, but this is just so incredibly important (a little background my daughter is undergoing bereavement counselling and is struggling in certain areas), so to have this added stress of where she will live is probably not the right time; she is very much in agreement with what dad says or wants as she doesn't want to upset him, she takes the route of saying what she thinks someone wants to hear (thankfully she can be honest with me, and is lol!!) xx

Michelle - posted on 03/02/2016

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Let him know that if it continues you will have no choice but to get a lawyer involved and get court orders amended.
Do you have court orders? If not it would be wise to have them. You can state that all decisions have to be discussed with the other parent first and a joint decision will be made. That way, if it doesn't happen he will be in contempt.

Claire - posted on 03/02/2016

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Hi Michelle, thank you and yes that is exactly what I was thinking of doing, its just tricky as we had this conversation when it first started in September, but even though it was then agreed, its happened again - I am really starting to get very distrusting of why I am being excluded, I listened last time but now feel a little like a 'mug' xx

Michelle - posted on 03/02/2016

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Have you spoken to him about it?
Maybe it's time to call a meeting to sit down and discuss the next stage for her. Let him know that you aren't happy about the way he has gone behind your back about it though and that any decisions regarding your daughter has to be discussed between the adults first.

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