My Ex is trying to tell me, our daughter is now going to live with him

Charmaine - posted on 04/11/2016 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I have been seperated with my ex since our little girl was an infant. i moved to another close city (about 2.5 hours drive) away at the time to get away from him family and i just needed space at the time. I was travelling to his city EVERY weekend for about 2 years until i told him that its not fair for me to do that. i work all day full time and only get a few hours of our daughters time to bond. so we agreed that she can stay with me one weekend. and to make the driving a little easier he would meet me half way every other weekend. which worked out (sort of more for him) until he remarried. He tells me that he is no longer going to be meeting half way. i ask why. and if he wasn't able to do that. than im not going there every weekend for him. He confessed it was because his wife thought we were having an affair (somehow as we exchanged our daughter). So i was at a point where it was now . he had every other weekend (every 2 weeks). Which was better for me and my daughter as i got to spend more time with her. He was willing to sacrifice this.



So now that his wife is preg and due any day. he tells me that instead of putting her in a day home in calgary she can start staying with him in his city because his wife is now staying home perm. "its better for her and all of us"



Im like nope. and called him. vented out the fact he never once came to my city to see his daughter. nor does he even pay the child support that is stated on our court papers. he just decides to pay what HE thinks is fair.



yes im sorry. I do have to work for a living and have a job where our daughter goes to day home during the day. shes starting grade one in sept and soon will not be in a dayhome. but at school. than things got personal. saying shes lieing too much. we are teaching her to lie. ?? (im pretty sure thats normal for a 5 year old with an imagination)



Well. everything is just frustrating me. how can he do that. just decide to take her away. and i have the option of going to his city whenever i want to see my daughter. . . and im the unfair one.



Currently we just have it on our divorce papers that i have primary residence and he gets resonable and generous access to our daughter.

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Jodi - posted on 04/12/2016

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" he never contacts me about simple things like the basic how is she doing. "

Why would he? He only has her every other weekend. He shouldn't need to contact you unless something really important came up or in an emergency. This is hardly something to condemn him on. I think you will find many people here whose children spend a weekend with the other parent and they hear nothing until they are returned home. It's not a big deal.

"i freely share things with him via email just so he knows whats going on. classes/swimming/soccer."

As you should. You have the child 12 days out of the 2 weeks, and I'm sure her dad likes to know what is going on with her during the 12 days he doesn't see her, especially as he can't be involved in school, soccer, swimming, etc, because you chose to live so far away. You are simply doing what you should be doing.

"ive talked to someone about this and they basically told me. joint custody is shared between us. we have to work together on a schedule that works for us with out getting the courts invloved ."

That's not really what joint custody means. And clearly you can't work it out between you, so you need to get the courts involved. I don't know who this someone is that gave you this advice, but it wasn't a lawyer. Here in Australia, we refer to this person as a "bush lawyer", which basically means the advice is not particularly reliable. Joint custody means you should work out how to equally share the child between you. Clearly, by moving away, you were unable to do this.

" he doesnt have a right to change my primary residence unless he goes and files for a change in custody."

If your court order stipulates that you have primary residence, then no, he can't just go and change it. But it does also state reasonable and generous access, and he doesn't have that either, so he has a good case to argue if he files and takes it to court. Your move prevented him from his reasonable and generous access. That may go against you.

Also, you are wrong about him having to show you an unfit mother. What he has to show is reasonable evidence that living with him will be in the child's best interests. You need to show that living with you will be in the child's best interests. It has nothing to do with you being unfit - perfectly good mothers lose primary residence of their child all the time. He would only have to show you were unfit if he wanted to remove custody from you altogether (no visitation).

Finally, the police are unlikely to get involved, particularly if your papers simply say you have joint custody with you having primary residence. You can't prove when he should have her or when you should have her because you don't have that written in.

Now I agree that a judge MAY find it disruptive to move primary residence, but she isn't in school yet, so this will only form a part of the decision. It may be that dad can provide equivalent stability and structure.

I guess I am saying that if it goes to court, it could go either way. Fathers are just as capable of providing a stable home as mothers. You have continually demonstrated that you will manipulate the situation to reduce his access to his daughter or make it difficult for him (move away, decide you only want ever other weekend with dad, make him do half the trip) and this could go against you. It also may not.

Ultimately, you are the one complaining because he is trying to change things and you are feeling frustrated. You don't have court orders that are detailed enough for you to do anything about that, and saying no to his requests will be evidence for him to say he is not getting reasonable and generous access.

With regard to the child support......you can do something about that. Child support is a separate issue to the custody issue.

Jodi - posted on 04/12/2016

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So Melinda....are you suggesting that the person who DOESN'T move away should be responsible for the transport of the child? And if that person who DOESN'T move away doesn't pay the costs of the transport and expects the party who DID move away to be responsible for the transport of the child, they are taking advantage of that person? In fact, the person who didn't move away shouldn't expect that, or they are BULLYING the other person? Just trying to clarify. Because if that is bullying, I must have bullied my ex when he moved away and I told him if he wanted to see his kid, he had to pay for it because I couldn't afford to pay half the costs of the flights to see his dad - he moved, not me. His choice, his responsibility. How terrible of me to bully him like that.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/12/2016

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Well, he's got every right in the world to petition for a change in orders.

Good luck to both of you.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/18/2016

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zMelinda, if HE had moved, then HE would be expected to foot the transport bill, and SHE would demand that it be so.

I'm sorry, but that is the way you have to do things when you can't co parent like adults.

You are correct, as parents, we sacrifice. In this case, SHE gets to sacrifice her time and money to facilitate transportation for the child to visit her father, who she has a right to know, and be involved with. Just because the child's mother made a choice, on her own, to move away. Yep, that is the way the world works.

If the OP in this case had discussed the move PRIOR, and gotten judicial orders regarding transportation at that time, things may be different. She didn't so...she gets what she gets in this case.

ETA: Don't call me "sweetie". I'm not your sweet anything.

Melinda - posted on 04/17/2016

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No sweetie I'm just saying he could be a little helpful in the transport of the child. Yes she made the decision to move away but now that it has already been done it should be dellt with through a judge. They deal with these things all the time. It is sad on both parents to have to deal with things like this. But she can't do it all. It could have just as well been he that moved instead of her. The outcome can't come down to a blame game. The child is the important thing hear and as parents we have to make a lot of sacrifices

Rebecca - posted on 04/13/2016

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Managing visitation with an ex is very difficult. I am sorry to hear your ex is creating such struggles for you. I hope you find a great attorney and a visitation schedule you can live with. I have four children and an ex who tries to change things frequently. It is very difficult. I would like to pray for you and your sweet child; I hope that is okay with you. Sending you courage!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/13/2016

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Um, Melinda...? Seriously? If a parent chooses to remove the child from easy/ready access by the non custodial parent, it is NOT UP TO THE NON CUSTODIAL PARENT TO FOOT THE TRANSPORTATION BILL. It's up to the parent who stated that they moved away "to get away from him" to foot the transportation bill.

SHE made the choice to move. She doesn't have proof that he's not able to parent, she just chose to use her child as a possession and a pawn.

Dove - posted on 04/12/2016

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No kidding Jodi. The judge must've been bullying my ex when he said my ex was 100% responsible for transportation costs to come see his kids or to bring his kids over to him.... since he moved away from us. ;)

Melinda - posted on 04/12/2016

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Sounds like he is taking advantage of you,being that you are the one taking your daughter to him. If he isn't willing to come to meet you half way then you need to take the issue back to court and while you are there have them tack on interest on what he hasn't been paying you in support,it isn't his decision to pay what he wants to pay,it is the courts decision,and he is in contempt of court because he isn't paying right. Stop letting him bully you,you owe him nothing.

Charmaine - posted on 04/12/2016

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thanks for all the comments. i just wanted say a couple of points.
when i moved. he didnt have a problem with it. nor did he fight until now. 5 years later.
i am absolutley all for my daughter to have and continue to have a great relationship with her father.
though hes great with her when shes at his house. i have always told him if he wants to call he can whenever. he never did once. if my daughter wants to call him. she freely can. he never contacts me about simple things like the basic how is she doing. i freely share things with him via email just so he knows whats going on. classes/swimming/soccer.

ive talked to someone about this and they basically told me. joint custody is shared between us. we have to work together on a schedule that works for us with out getting the courts invloved . he doesnt have a right to change my primary residence unless he goes and files for a change in custody. than he will have to prove why, and prove im an unfit mother or envrionment. right now my city is our home. they will consider a change in that to be disruptive to her stability and structure. if he decides to not give her back when i go to pick her up. police can get involved and they will ask for papers on where the child is suppose to reside. though this is not what i would want. just thought i would relay what i learned.

in the end. if we cant work things out. than we have to get the courts involved.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/12/2016

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You chose to move, you admit that it was to limit his access to his daughter ("I moved to another close city (about 2.5 hours drive) away at the time to get away from him"), therefore, and "hardship" created was created by you, therefore you get to bear that burden

There is absolutely no reason to put your kid in care if the kid's father has the means to care for her. Sorry, that's just being petty. Yes, your ex is a capable parent. If he's not folowing the court ordered payments for support, it's your own responsibility to take him back to court for that, but don't be surprised if the judge also amends the custody orders.

Sarah - posted on 04/12/2016

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First, get your child support garnished from his wages; for a small fee you can ask the child support department to do this, and it will be taken from his check and directly deposited in your account.
Once that is settled. you can address the other issue of custody and visitation. Your daughter moving in with the dad and being home while her newborn sibling is being raised my not be the best option. If she is already in Kindergarten, and she'd have to change schools for her to live there isn't fair to her. why can't well enough be left alone? Get your child support from his check and follow the visitation set by the court.

Dove - posted on 04/11/2016

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Yep. Time to go back to court and get more detailed custody/visitation orders drawn up.

Michelle - posted on 04/11/2016

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Like the other ladies have said, go back to court and get a more detailed visitation plan in place. If child support is court ordered then they can garnish his wages so get that looked in to as well.

Ev - posted on 04/11/2016

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Actually, he has as much right as you do to have his child live with him. As long as he is not a danger to her nor his wife being the same, the child could as easily live with them and you could get the visitations. Not on his terms though. I do agree you guys should have worked out more details in your custody arrangements.

Jodi - posted on 04/11/2016

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You are the one who moved away, so I don't believe it is unreasonable that he expects you to drive your daughter to him for his visitation time.

With the rest, I agree with Raye. You need more detailed court orders to sort this out and you need to file for child support. Get yourself a lawyer, and have more detailed orders drawn up.

Raye - posted on 04/11/2016

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Sounds like you need to go back to court to get more clearly detailed custody and visitation orders. You should also file for child support. If all these things are handled by the court, then you follow the orders and neither parent can try to manipulate the other.

If you initially moved away, then I would say it falls on you to get the child to the father for his "reasonable access". But if you have primary, residential custody, then every other weekend sounds "reasonable" to me. When it's your time, the father cannot dictate whether the child is in daycare or who else may be watching the child while you're at work. When it's his time, you can't dictate if his new woman is babysitting or who else is watching the child if he can't be home with her. Again, it seems you need more detailed court orders to stop the bickering.

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