My exhusband wants to introduce our daughter to his girlfriend of two months. Isn

Valerie - posted on 07/14/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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We aren't even really divorced yet...I told him I wanted the divorce 4 months ago and moved out two months ago (I moved to another bedroom immediately, though). I am worried my daughter will be hurt if she forms an attachment and it doesn't work out. I mean, two months of dating and he's "serious" about her enough to want them all to meet? Come on!

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Girlio - posted on 07/15/2009

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Thoughts from the "other side" of things, being the girlfriend being introduced to the kids...(early on)
My man and I had several conversations about this prior to the "meeting" and I told him that I did not want to meet his kids unless this was for real because I don't think that it is right for children to witness men/women coming and going frequently in and out of their parents lives/home(s), to me that is setting a poor example to the children as to what relationships should be, not to mention the coping with/dealing with the separation of their parents to begin with. I wouldn't want my child to grow up thinking it was ok to move in/out with multiple partners frequently. My DH and his "wife" are not yet divorced. I did meet their children after only 2 weeks of dating, and we have lived together since our second date. (I know it sounds ridiculous and absurd, but it was/is meant to be, and he had been separated over a year). I am the only woman that he has dated that his children have met. The children have met over 4 men (that we are aware of) that mom has dated/lived with/broken up with. The kids have zero respect for any man in her life, do not get attached to "him", and are out right vicious to the men in her life at times (to the point where when the kids visit us and tell me, I get after them). These darling children (that I love with all my heart and treat as my own, please don't think I would ever try and take the place of mom, I am just there when she isn't) tell me that they love me, have the utmost respect for me, for the rules in my house, for our family belongings, we have an amazing family!

All of us are in this family for the rest of our lives together, for that we have entirely decided upon together. - I am fortunate!

I do agree with you being that you have only been separated 4 months that it is a little soon however. And I agree with your fears of this little girl being hurt and support you 100% on protecting her.

But in a "step mom's" defense? (when the time comes, and please don't think that I am an advocate for your ex and his new partner) Please give us a chance there are those of us that aren't crazy, we don't ever want to replace you and some of us would love to co-parent with you. Some of us are incredibly thankful for the beautiful children that you brought into this world and want to shower the children with all the love possible



I know that the situation is slightly different being the length of time of separation

Leila - posted on 07/15/2009

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In my experience what happened is that I had to understand that I do NOT controle my ex partner. I cannot tell him what he can or cannot do. I have a right to give my opinion on what I beleive is best for our child, but when he has them, I have little say on what goes on. As long as I can trust their father completely. I know he is a good meaning person and would never do anything to harm or hurt his boys. Each parent will do what they beleive is right at the time.... (Even if we HATE our exs and resent them in many ways...we need to dig deep in our hearts for tolerance and understanding).

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This isn't a good thing, that's for sure. I would, if you can, discuss it with your husband. Voice your concern over the matter, not for your sake, but for your daughters sake. When my ex husband and I divorced, we were required to take a class (by law) and one of the most important things I learned was about introducing people you're dating to your children. Basically, it was a big NO, unless you were sure that person would be in your life for the long haul. I followed suit to that- and it proved to be the best advice I'd ever received.

I do hope your husband takes a moment to step back and re-evaluate this scenario and the effects it may have on your daughter. For kids, a seperation and divorce is huge, emotionally- but to introduce another woman would just confuse her even more.

Keep us all posted and keep your chin up!

Casey - posted on 07/14/2009

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This is a bad idea. it doesnt even matter the age of ur child. He would be totally disregarding yours and your daughters respect and feelings. sometimes marriages dont work out..but when there is a child involved she becomes most important. No matter how he feels about this other women he needs to consider how long its been to his daughter. this is about her not him and his happiness. same goes for moms too. good luck

Esmeralda - posted on 07/15/2009

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No absolutly NOT.. He should not confuse the child its bad enough mommy and daddy r not together anymore tell him NO!!! I'm newly divorced and its hard enough for kids to adjust to us not being together so that why he must keep his time with his daughter one on one... Best of luck..

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Valerie - posted on 07/15/2009

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Thank you all for your comments. To clarify further, he told me that he was going to introduce her to his girlfriend. He recently met her 3- and 7-year-old boys. My daughter is 7. By the way, he thought I was cheating on him, and that was why I asked for the divorce (I wasn't, and certainly am not ready to date, by a long shot), he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me (my daughter has told her therapist that "Daddy has talked mean to Mommy a lot, and I think that is why she doesn't want to be married to him anymore."), and my counselor at the Women's Resource Center said his behavior is typical of abusive spouses. And the icing on the cake? Our king sized bed is supposed to come to me in the divorce settlement, but has remained with him because I couldn't fit it in my apartment. I told him although I don't care about his sex life, I didn't want the bed if he has slept with his girlfriend in it, and he should buy me a new one if he did, and he told me it was none of my business what he does with her and I can "get a lawyer and sue his ass" (his words) if I want to do something about it, or just take the bed as is. Real Prince, huh?

Leigh - posted on 07/14/2009

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How long should he wait for it to be acceptable? I'm just asking out of curiosity. Just looking at it from another angle. Obviously his new g/f knows he has a daughter so he comes as a package deal. Has he introduced the new g/f to any other family members? If one of my sons date someone for 8 weeks, I would want to know who they're spending their time with. Best wishes for you Valerie through this difficult time.

Cara - posted on 07/14/2009

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i went through a similar situation only difference is me n my partner werent or rnt married... we broke up for a brief period of time n in that time he got with another girl who jus so happened 2 b 1 of my so called friends so our son had already met this girl but my partner moved in with her as i kicked him out n my son started staying there over night...biggest mistake i made...jus because my son had met this girl n his dad was there he still fretted for me n would stand at the front door crying out 4 me...even if he was only jus there for a short time it was to soon for him n of course the relationship didnt work out n he came back n we r now back 2gether n expcting our 2nd son...so we put our son through all of that for nothing so no i think 2 months is way 2 soon maybe jus getur daughter 2 speak 2 her on the ph wen she is speaking 2 her dad...see how how ur daughter is 2wards the woman cause if she is very standoffish then thats a good indication that it is definetly 2 early for ur daughter

Amy - posted on 07/14/2009

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aw this is always hard...i dont know what type of person your husband is, if he would even consider listening to you about this...he may just be wanting to do this to hurt you. if thats the case explain to him that you are happy for him that he has met someone who may possibly be "the one" or whatver and you would love for your daughter to meet her one day. but right now doesnt feel like the best time. explain to him that it hasnt been enough time for your daughter that what he is doing will not effect you but indeed your daughter. be "on his side" about it so the conversation doesnt become an arguement. asure him that this isnt hurting you in anyway that your just concerned for you daughter and you want to make this bad situation for yuor daughter as good as possible.luckily if he does indeed proceed to induce her i dont think it will have a huge horrible effect on her as long as you sit down and explain things to her, most important be honest with her at all times. im sure things will be fine in the long run...try not to worry to much about it. my best friends ex husband is a horrible person and when my friend demanded a divorce after beating her and cheating on her he remarried the same yeat and had their small children calling the new wife mommy to spite my friend!! men are eviil..

Lynette - posted on 07/14/2009

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I agree, I think it is a bad idea for your daughter especially at her age or any age. She needs time to adjust to her Mom and Dad not living with her as a family. I definately would not bring in another person on either side. Let her have some time to heal and adjust at home, school and in social activities. It is too bad when people split up with children and don't even give theirselves breathing room before they go into another relationship. I would not even start dating again for at least a year, I would just enjoy my child/children and get myself together first. I know it is very hard especially for the spouse who hasn't replaced the other spouse with someone else so quickly! But you are the smart one!

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