My Exs New girlfriend is a constant problem!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2016

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This is where Evelyn's copy and pasting is handy!
Thanks Ev for letting the newcomers to this thread know what has been said!

Been entertaining tonight with the dummy spits though.

Dove - posted on 07/06/2016

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You get a court order and you both follow it. Your son will get used to it. If he is having a lot of trouble you take him to a child psychologist (preferably one willing to testify in court if it ever comes to that) for some play therapy. You HELP him through it... not avoid contact w/ his father because of it.

As for the girlfriend? Ignore her completely... Period. If she calls you when your son is not in their possession... ignore the call. If she texts or emails you... completely ignore it. If she is continually harassing you... text or email her one time to stop harassing you or you will call the police... then you may have enough evidence to get a restraining order against her contacting you.

I know how easy it is to get sucked into engaging in the battle, but ALL it does is frustrate you... women like her thrive off of your reactions... so stop reacting.

Michelle - posted on 07/06/2016

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That's your problem.
You need to have court orders so you all know where you stand with custody, visitation and child support.
That will stop then disagreeing with you about things since it will all be written down.

Jodi - posted on 07/08/2016

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Deleting posts is the equivalent to throwing a tantrum because you don't get your own way. Way to show everyone you are mature enough to take the high road.....

Dove - posted on 07/07/2016

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None of your story additions (which just elaborates longer on things you've already said) change anything.

If you have concerns... you have the lawyer present them to the judge. If your lawyer is saying you will have to stop contact for a year... speak to a different lawyer. It may be that the concern is that the father will have visitation and then try and keep the child til the court date... in which case I could understand offering supervised visitations. If the father at that point refuses... that is on him and not your concern to worry about... Again, your job is to help your child THROUGH whatever crap happens because of his father and the girlfriend.

Does the situation suck for your kid? Absolutely. Does it change the fact that the father has an equal right to see his child unless a court rules otherwise? Nope.

File for a custody/visitation order and get your son into some counseling to help him through this.

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Michelle - posted on 07/09/2016

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Love it Ev. I guess being Australian, we tend to shorten pretty much everything.
I'm glad I didn't offend you with it.

Ev - posted on 07/09/2016

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Michello, Jodi, Shawnn, Sarah E., Sarah H, and Dove---Look for my name to be Ev!

Ev - posted on 07/09/2016

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Then shall I change my name to show that? LOL? I have been called Evey, Ev, Evie, and any where in between!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/09/2016

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Evelyn, I've wanted to call you Ev since we met, but didn't want to offend! LOL Good on Michelle for just doing it!

Lauren, hang in there!

Michelle - posted on 07/09/2016

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Eve to me would be pronounced like Adam and Eve where Ev is easy. I have a casual at work called Eveline and we call her Ev. She from your side of the world as well (if I remember rightly).

Ev - posted on 07/08/2016

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Hi Ladies--Michelle, Jodi, Dove, Shawnn, and Sarah E.

Michelle--you are welcome for the copy and pasting. Sometimes for me I have to do that because there are so many points in the OP that I want to address separately and the c&p is the only way to do so. I will keep it up since it seems to help out if the posts are very long.

And thanks for the new nick spelling--Ev--my mom would call me that but spelled it --EVE--.

Lauren---As Michelle as said we have seen a lot of the postings here that are very similar. We are sorry that you ended up in this situation but it happens a lot more than you might think. We have all answered posts like these over time and have given the same answers to those people too. Its like everyone wants their cake and be able to eat it too.

And people just assume because we give the advice we do that we do not know what it is like for people or understand about the situations they live in. Some of us live them and some of us can understand even if we do not experience that situation. I experienced on the opposite way. I can actually see the reverse.

Good luck Lauren with whatever you do.

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2016

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We have been around for years and see it all the time, people don't get the responses they want and they delete everything. It's actually very rare for someone to delete all of their posts though, most of the time it's just the OP or they change it.

Jodi - posted on 07/08/2016

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You CAN change the name in your profile..... That's why you can't see my last name.

I apologise if I jumped to conclusions about you deleting your posts - people do that all the time. They don't like the responses and have a dummy spit, delete everything.

Lauren - posted on 07/08/2016

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I didn't realise the name I entered when I joined would be the name that showed on the chats. And some of my replies were quite specific, so it would not have been a massive leap for her to assume they were about her.

To be honest if someone had done the same, I would have assumed they didn't want it on the internet with regards to their personal life.

And that perhaps they had reached a point where they didn't have anyone in a similar situation to talk to about it, so decided to ask a bunch of strangers advise on how to handle the situation with the hope that they would provide answers/support/anything really. Without then being accused of spitting their dummy because they didn't receive the answers that they 'wanted.'

If that was the case I would have had a chat with myself with regards to what to do or how to handle the situation and carried on in my own ignorant bubble.

But then clearly thats just me.

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2016

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But when none of us see the thank you post, that's what it looks like. Just have a look at what's left and think about how we see it. You could have even left the thank you post.
We do see it quite often in here, someone doesn't get the answers they want so they delete everything they have posted.
If you don't want her to see your posts you can use another name.

Lauren - posted on 07/08/2016

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Actually that is not what just happened, i deleted the posts because his new girlfriend is equally a mum and may be a member of this forum/website and i did not want her to see what I had said or the advice that I had been receiving.

To be honest, i am quite offended that you would insinuate that and would suggest that perhaps you should be more aware of what someone else is going through. Or in fact the kind of people that someone is having to deal with.

Just didn't want another brick through my window. But thank you for assuming the worst.

i my last post I actually said thank you for the advice and that I would be applying to court, not entirely sure how that is interpreted as a dummy spit, but whatever......

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2016

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Seriously, just because you aren't getting the answers you want doesn't mean you have to delete your post.
You've also deleted all of your responses, very mature!!!!

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2016

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The only person that has the ability to stop the Father having contact is a judge, not you or your lawyer. If you start court proceedings and stop contact then the Father can add in parental alienation and you could lose custody. It is imperative that you don't stop him having his time with Dad.
Your lawyer is VERY wrong on that advice and I hope they haven't been telling others the same thing.
Like everyone has been saying, you need to go to court to get custody, visitation and child support established. It doesn't matter how many times you tell us the same story, our responses will be the same.

Ev - posted on 07/07/2016

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{{The only reason that I care with regards to what she says about me to our child is because her saying I'm not beautiful/horrible etc to our child is inappropriate with regards to how it makes our child feel. What child wants to be told by anyone that either parent is not beautiful/a horrible person? Children almost take it as a personal insult to themselves.}}-----I have been in the situation where the dad and step mom had been talking about me behind my back negatively in front of my own kids who were a teen and older elementary age children. They told me about it after my oldest finished junior year of high school. Both were near to tears. I told them that their dad and step mom had decided to not concentrate on their marriage and family which was more important than worrying about me. I said that they were hurting themselves more than me. It shocked my kids but it was true. What could I do? You can not tell people how to be in their home and yes, the things said about the other parent hurts but kids have to realize that as long as the parent being talked about does not let it bother them and the kids know the truth--it can make the difference and it did.

They have been together for 2 years, i fully accept that she is now a part of his and my ex partners life. Have no problem with that, What i have an issue with is the fact that she constantly tries to undermine me/make the situation as impossible as she can.------Then your ex is going to have to learn to stand up for himself and tell her that it is his child not hers and he will have to work with you on things.

The only reason I have not applied to court is because once that process is started my solicitor told me to stop contact until a court agreement has been reached, and this can take in excess of a year, and i did not want to cease contact for that length of time.-----Get another opinion on that. And going to court and getting it set legally is going to make it easier on all of you.

His dad also does not call him during the week, only wishes to do his days, on his terms, no thought of compromising etc.-----Is it really his wishes on what he does or hers?

I will speak to my solicitor and check that, but she said that as he cannot stick to times agreed i should cease contact until we have a court order in place.-----The reason he does not stick to times etc seems to be that he listens to his GF.

I suggested supervised contact and was told that he would not attend. I also suggested mediation and was told that he would not go to that either.-----Who said he would not attend?

All I see is one excuse after another as to why not to take it to court. I also see that when you say he won't do things for certain reasons that it is because his GF is behind it as you say she controls him and everything.

Jodi - posted on 07/07/2016

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It doesn't matter how many different ways you put your story here.......or how much "clearer" you are (although you were reasonably clear), it doesn't change the response or the situation from a legal perspective. The FACT is that the child has two parents and YOU don't get to dictate the terms. The law is quite clear. If you are concerned for your child's wellbeing, file for custody and ask that a guardian ad litem be appointed. However, if you continue to block your ex's fair access to his child he could claim parental alienation and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on. I'm not saying this to be mean to you. I am saying it because that is the way the law works.

With court orders, you may also be able to stipulate specifics, but right now, you don't get to call the shots. It will be this way until you file.

Your solicitor is wrong to advise you to stop contact until the court can hear the case. I'd get a second opinion on that - it is inappropriate for a child to be removed from any contact with a parent. Perhaps you could consider supervised contact, but I'd not be trusting that advice. Nor is it in any way in the child's best interests in the long term.

At the end of the day, your child will learn that things are different in both of his homes. Some things he will like and some he won't, but that's the way it is. He will eventually adapt to it. The trouble is, you haven't given him the opportunity because you are wrapping him in cotton wool - in 2 years you have only allowed him to stay over 4 or 5 times? How is he ever going to adapt if you won't actually allow the relationship to develop?

Jodi - posted on 07/06/2016

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You don't get to dictate the terms of contact. Yes, he is entitled to overnight stays. If he files in court and says that for two years you have been preventing him from having his child for any overnight visits, you could find yourself being accused of parental alienation and lose custody of your child altogether. Were you aware of that?

"The child" is 5 years old. He is not old enough to make that decision. It is your JOB to encourage your child to have a relationship with his dad where he will stay overnight, not to enable him in his resistance.

You need those court orders. Then there is no question over visitation and custody. As it stands, if he chooses not to return the child, he can legally do that.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/06/2016

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So...I'm getting a strong feeling of "no court orders"...and after reading the responses, it is confirmed.

WHY? Why did you not take the high road and get solicitors involved initially? THE ONLY VALID ORDERS come from the court system. Not agendas written up by either party.

Get your court situation sorted, file for proper custody, visitation and support.

Ev - posted on 07/06/2016

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Sofia--
I do get what you are saying but this quote from your one post:
{{better to have a father out of the picture than one who is creating irreparable damage to your son and you. Plus, your son doesn't like it there}}
She can not keep the child from the father legally. That could only happen if the father was proven a danger or unfit to take care of the child. Also depending on child's age, the child does not get to decide if he wants to go or not to visit dad. Unless the child is an older teen that may give a statement to the court on what they would like for the judge to take into consideration before a final decision is made. And all of that is regardless of the child's like or dislike of things.

Ev - posted on 07/06/2016

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I quoted some of the passages so I could answer them easier.

The new gf has known myself and him for the entirety of our relationship, and we have never got on. On her side not mine, generally as she has never been able to resist having a dig etc when i saw her.
-----And you let this get to you?
When we broke up, our child was 3, and my ex decided that after leaving, it was acceptable to introduce our child to the new partner the following weekend, (with an overnight stay.)
-----It is not usually wise to introduce children to a new BF or GF until much later in a relationship but you can not control what he did.

My ex will not/does not deal with the situation, (me) at all, to the point where we do not talk. His new gf dictates majority of his life including the relationships he has with his family & Friends, but more importantly his relationship with our child.
-----So now he is letting the GF dictate all this?
All contact is written buy her (Clearly.) which isn't an issue, however she equally has her own agenda.
-----The contract is null and void. It is not a court document. And she has no legal say in what goes on with the child and his parents.
I have tried to keep the situation civil, and to be honest maintain his relationship with our child. That being said behaviour on their part is constantly escalating. I receive emails telling me I'm irrelevant/a bad mum, coupling the fact that anything i say will almost certainly be taken with the complete opposite way it is intended. The other week (which was the 4th time) he just kept him overnight and did not return him until the following day, completely ignoring my email. And even though i said i would not be in at that time, dropped him back regardless, (I do not have a telephone number for him.) The problem is that our child does not actually enjoy spending time there particularly, and some of the things that he comes back and says that have been said to him are outrageous. (Tell your mum she isn't beautiful etc etc)
-----I have read the other posts and since you do not have any court ordered custody—visitation—child support how can you expect him to return your child to you on time. That contract is not holding them to what they agreed to. I should say what dad agreed to.
Now to be honest, these things do not bother me, as everyone knows beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but i cannot bring this up to them without them seeing it as a reaction to the fact that it has been said. (As opposed to the negative impact this has on our child.) And his behaviour is effected by his dads actions. Going into school swearing etc after the weekend of being round there. I am not saying that he has learnt these words there, but he is misbehaving in a way that he knows is naughty (acting out.)
-----I think these things do bother you because you have let it go since this started. And the child’s behavior has to come from somewhere.
Anything that I have attempted to bring up with them previously i have just received an email categorically saying that did not happen. I have tried to summarise this as the whole story is long, but has anyone been in a similar situation? Or have any advice on how to handle it? It has been nearly 2 years now and the situation appears to be getting worse and not better. They do not respect anything that I say and anything that i do not agree to is because I am bitter/jealous, it never occurs to them that I have our childs best interests at heart.
-----I have been in a situation where the step mom tried to tell me and dad (ex) how to do our visitation schedule, how to handle the kids’ education and so on. I firmly told her she had no say in important and legal decisions where my kids were concerned. But as I can see you have allowed this to go on without the court documents to hold everyone to their obligations.

If I applied to court, are they not likely to enforce overnight stays? the problem is that our child does not want to stay there, and without going into everything that is said to him, i can see why as i don't think it is a particularly nice environment for him. He's told not to talk about me, told not to cry to come home etc etc.
-----Usually in court when custody, visits and child support are decided and the kids are old enough for overnights, yes, they will happen. You nor the child can say no to this. Dad has as much right to have his child at his home as you do. And with visitation set up there are rules dad and GF have to follow in order to keep it all good for the child such as no negative comments on the mother or father. Also it sets up times for dad and you to have the child and when the child returns to the primary home. It also sets up holidays and everything too.
Our son docent mind doing the days, and all the time it was limited to just days, he seems ok (and he was not left alone with his new girlfriend) for anything inappropriate to be said to him. When he stays, 1 he thinks its too long, and then 2, she puts him to bed/gets up with the children in the morning, which is when she appears to speak to him when he's on his own. (well when my ex isn't around.)And I think that is more the issue with the staying there, When it is just day visits, he seems ok. That being said, I cannot get them to commit to day visits, they say he wanted to stay, my son comes home and says he didn't and so he's not going again etc etc. She actually told him whilst we were getting divorced that if i didn't go back to my maiden name, his dad was going to make us both homeless! It almost seems to die down a bit with the behaviour and they think, this is going too smoothly lets try and push it.............
-----Once visitation is set your child can not say no he won’t go or can not decide how long he goes for. As for what the GF says, ignore it as she does not have any claims on what happens in the divorce or custody. She can not legally demand anything.

-----So the actual thing here is this: 1) Get court orders for custody, visitation, and child support. 2) Follow those orders. 3) Ignore the GF as she has no say in anything. 4) Focus on your son.

Sofia - posted on 07/06/2016

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Your letting her get hold of you. Let go! Let go. She is awful, I know. And she has your husband, I know. But make a clean break if possible. Go to court and get proper visitation order

Sofia - posted on 07/06/2016

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Here's the thing. You can't do something to control her. Or him for that matter. They sound like negative people who are doing a lot of damage to your son. Forcing your mean ex and mean step mom to be parents is bad news. better to have a father out of the picture than one who is creating irreparable damage to your son and you. Plus, your son doesn't like it there. You need to protect him

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