My fiancé tells me he doesn't want our daughter to be like me I need help!!!

Stormie - posted on 06/20/2014 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 16 mos and is going through throwing stuff her terrible 2s are starting well when he is mad he blames me for everything saying I hope for our daughters sake she doesn't end up like u and a lot of other disturbing things. But I'm trapped no car no friends no family and he did it all I'm so lost and don't know what to do but I want out of this I have no privacy every chance he gets he puts me down!! I just need help I've tried leaving but I always come back he threatens me of taking her away from me and he wonders why I don't ever go away from out daughter bc he put in my head that I will loose her.. I'm so scared and he has put it in my head that I feel I'm just waiting on the day for her to be away from me!!! I don't know what I will do.. I'm so scared someone please help me!

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Angela - posted on 06/20/2014

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Obviously this man likes being a father (in GENERAL terms), he feels it gives him some status. What he doesn't like or accept is that a toddler will frequently have a tantrum.

So in order to retain his "manly" & self-important self-image, he blames this on YOU. He's aware that his behaviour may well alienate you and doesn't want you to leave him taking his child away. So for good measure he also tells you he'll take her away from YOU. He adds that when she has an entirely normal toddler tantrum that he doesn't want her to grow up like YOU.

You're playing right into his hands by believing him, acting nervously around him - and - sorry to say this - but also being too quick to settle into a relationship where you have no power but quite a lot of dependency. I'm assuming you live in the same home, you don't have a car or job of your own and nowhere else to go?

I bet if you told him you were offered a job or were applying for a job, he'd tell you not to waste your time? That no-one would ever employ you? That you have no skills or abilities? Because, the very LAST thing he would want is for you to be financially independent of him. I'm sure that even if you said you were taking night-school classes he would say something negative?

Please wake up and smell the coffee. I don't know what country you live in. But there will be help somewhere. Please do as "Guests" suggests and look into your options. Do you have any family to help you?

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Angela - posted on 06/21/2014

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What Guest means is that you DON'T accept gifts, money and kind words from him after you've left him - in fact you accept nothing at all! And also you need to take a close look at the people close to you - your family, friends, his friends etc .....

I've known of people who leave their partners, flee with their children and then think "Oh, his mother is a very good grandmother, I must tell her where we are ...." Then they wonder how their estranged partner found their whereabouts.

It's really hard to flee, no-one's disputing that. You're relying on no-one but yourself and the authorities.

It may be difficult to be wary and suspicious of everyone - but that's probably the only way you'll make a go of it. People who have been abused and mistreated can be very susceptible to kindnesses - both material kindnesses and emotional ones. And even if you're personally impervious, there'll be someone close to you who is - someone who might just know about your whereabouts and be ready to divulge this information to the wrong ears.

My friend was asked to leave a battered wives refuge because the people running it said she'd told her husband where she was and had thus endangered every woman staying in the place. I don't know if she'd actually told him where she was but the location of the abused women's sanctuary in our town was common knowledge. People even used it as a landmark location when giving directions to other places nearby. He knew she'd left him. He knew she had no friends and family living locally but that she wouldn't want to take the children out of their school so would still be living locally. He turned up at the Home, knocked on the door and asked to see his wife.

THAT'S how difficult it is.

You need to evaluate how to work through these challenges.

Good luck.

Guest - posted on 06/20/2014

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You need to figure out how he is finding you and close that loophole. SOMEONE is telling him where you are.
I know what it is to run from someone, I've been there too. It is hard, but no one will fight that fight for you. You cannot depend on courts or shelters to keep him away, you have to stay away yourself. Courts and shelters can HELP you, but they cannot protect you or your child, that is your responsibility. All they can do is give you resources to help you protect yourself.

You can file a restraining order against him and he will be arrested for coming within the set distance to you, but you have to call the police when he is within that boundary and you have to keep away from him until they get there. You need to ALWAYS have a credible witness with you--that means staying in a shelter, not with a friend or relative. If you are in your own place, that means having video surveillance so that you can prove he came to your residence. The courts cannot infringe upon his rights without physical, credible evidence that he is a threat, and even then, they cannot lock him up unless he commits a crime and is convicted. YOU have to keep him away, no one can do it but you, and you CAN do it.

Stormie - posted on 06/20/2014

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He has scared them away I've been through court I've been in shelters!! Nothing can keep him away I've had police records of him beating me hospital record the courts don't do shut abt it kind of leaves me feeling hopeless

Guest - posted on 06/20/2014

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It is the shelter's responsibility to be scared of him! That is why they are there!
A shelter will not turn you away unless you violate the terms of the shelter--the most commonly violated are telling others where you are staying and contacting the person from whom you are running. If you are in a shelter, and he poses a physical threat, the shelter will find a place to move you if they know he has found out where you are. Honestly, your logic just doesn't make sense--how could you be safer living with the monster than in a shelter where if he did come find you, you would at least have witnesses to his attacks and security to fend him off and file charges??

You don't need to be terrified he'll ruin your life anymore, it sounds like he's already done it. Just leave, and don't go back. Do NOT contact him once you've left, do not speak to him once you've left. He cannot threaten you or scare you if he cannot talk to you. If he attempts to reach you via facebook, block him. if he attempts to reach you via email, print the emails to present as evidence in your custody case. If he attempts to reach you via mail, do not open the letters, just hand them straight to your lawyer. You can get a statement from the shelter workers that he is a threat and that is why you are not responding to communication attempts to present at court.

Once you are established at the shelter, on the very same day you arrive, you need to start working on getting an attorney to handle your custody case and set up visitation and mediation. Given his past, you need to make sure all of your communication with him takes place via a 3rd party mediator so that you have admissible records for court.

D - posted on 06/20/2014

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Stormie...please get out of that situation! My daughter's father was/is the same way. We just separated literally a week ago. Luckily, I purchased a home in my name and have always been able to keep up a full time job. The name calling began long before our daughter was in the picture. She came out of no where, I actually found out i was pregnant the first time we separated...since I was, he came back and we continued to try to make things work. He is an alcoholic and calls/called me the worst of names. He would tell my daughter dont end up like your mommy. Or tell her I'm a bitch or fat. Long story short we went to an emergency custody hearing for our daughter and no one got custody but I have her cause she lives in my home and he left from what I know he is staying with a friend. But if you dont want to end up in my situation please leave him. It's not healthy for you or your child. My daughter even got to the point when we would argue to tell her daddy no daddy, leave my mommy alone! So heart breaking. I hate that we have to do the custody thing but if I would have made him leave my home sooner maybe we wouldn't be in this situation. As the below comment, womens shelter or your local court house can give you some referrals for domestic violence programs that can HELP. You can even look into legal aid which your community should have something like that may be able to help with paperwork. Good luck and God Bless you and your beautiful child. You will be in my prayers.

Stormie - posted on 06/20/2014

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I'm going to have to delete all this out of my inbox so he won't see it I'm terrified of him ruining my life bc he has done it and now that Kynlee our daughter is here that's all he does is threaten to take her away he has money he can do that that's all he says I just want out!!!!! I'm so scared something will happen with me and my child won't have a mom and be raised by him

Stormie - posted on 06/20/2014

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I go back bc he makes me feel u have nothing and almost scares me back into the relationship always this has gone on for almost 4 years I had a family and friends but he will not let me contact anyone sent my car back I've tried shelters and they were scared of him so I didn't feel safe so I came back I have no choice but to stay to be with my child they won't give her to me if I have no place to go no job nothing he wouldn't let me so any of thT!

Guest - posted on 06/20/2014

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I'm missing something. If he thinks you are so awful, why did he ask you to marry him??

If you want out, leave and don't keep going back. Why do you keep going back if he treats you so horribly?

He cannot legally take your baby from you, so you don't need to worry about that just because he says he will. It sounds like he's full of #$%. If you don't have a car or any friends, fill your best luggage with the essentials for you and your child and head to a local women's shelter or homeless shelter. They will be able to help you get set up on your own again. If there are no shelters locally, call every church in the area until you find one that will help you. Lots of Catholic and Lutheran churches have programs for the homeless.

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