My fiance just found out he has a 7 year old child! I need advice on how I am going to cope with this.

Ness - posted on 02/23/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )




Hi guys,
So this week, an ex "hook up" of my fiance's came out of the wood works and told him he has a 7 year old son. When they decided to stop seeing each other, she told him at the time she was pregnant and wanted an abortion. He gave her the money and that was that. Turns out she didn't go through with it.
He is obviously hugely shocked, and been going from breaking down to being angry to being in denial. I have been nothing but there for him, concerned only for his feelings and saying I will support him. I don't have anyone I can talk to so I came on here so I can privately talk about ME. Obviously this completely changes my life as well.

So I should start off with our relationship I guess. Been dating for 3 years,engaged for 6 months. We have a fantastic relationship. We are in a large amount of debt from his mistakes in the past of getting a heap of credit, but we've been working really hard to try and pay that off. We were currently in the middle of planning with my mum to sell her house and buy a large house with her so we can look after her (she needs supervision) which obviously benefits us as well as we would be finally moving into the real estate game. I am 23, he is 28 (In other words, this child was conceived when I was 13!)

I was the first one to find the message when I was looking for an old message through facebook (with his knowledge and permission) I asked him if he could possibly have a child and he responded with, I hope not! He messaged her back and forth and yes she is saying it is his child. He looks just like my fiance and the times match up so there isn't much doubt, but of course my fiance is going to ask for a DNA test just to be sure.
I don't know much about her, but so far she has been nothing but polite and respectful to him and hasn't asked for anything, only asked what he wants to do. She has also apologized for past mistakes, as has he, and they are going to meet to discuss everything together. I have already made it very clear to him that this is between the two of them, and while I will drive him to and fro the meeting if he wishes, I would never try and impose myself on it, or anything like that.

So this is where I find myself. I am not ready to have a child in my home. I am not ready to share my fiance's heart with someone else. I swore up and down I would never have a blended family due to my own experiences (no offence to any of the blended families out there!) I may become ready in time- I may not. I don't know what she wants and will have to rely on my fiances interpretation of what she wants (which I accept- but it's difficult) I naturally love children and have been in the position where I have had to play mommy to a cousin of mine who had no one else to look after her when I was 15, so I know in time I could cope with that. I have an irrational hatred of her for coming out now and taking so much from me, but at the same time I logically accept that walking in her shoes must have been difficult these past years and I respect her so much for her level headed communication so far. I am so mad at him that everyone knew about this abortion except me, even though we had blatantly discussed it, and now I wonder what else he has hidden (again, that is irrational). I hate the fact that I will no longer have his first born, and we've always discussed how we would love to have 2 boys so I'm irrationally scared of ending up with girls and feeling like I missed out. We have housemates and would have to ask one to leave to make space for him if my FI has visitations, which would put a large financial strain on us. We will have to and want to pay child support, but that would come entirely out of my wage as I'm the only one with anything left over at the end of the week due to paying my Fi's debts. I don't know how to cope with this, don't know who to talk to and our perfect world suddenly seems so lost. If I walked away right now, it would destroy him, but at the same time I have to decide if I can deal with this. I have taken off my engagement ring and told him I have. (we won't be able to afford a wedding for ages now anyway) I explained at this point I want to continue our engaged status, but wearing a ring reminds me of how happy we were and how our life was so put together just three months ago. He was supportive of that decision. He also told me he understands that this is very difficult for me and would not lose any respect for me if I was to walk away. At the same time, he's woken up screaming every night, having nightmares that I walked out and left my ring and a note on his bedside table, that I started a fight with him, said horrible things and walked out, and other variations.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I am after advice on did you go through this and have a happy ending? Did you go through this and have a bad ending? What would you do in my position? Did you have step kids at a young age? Do you have any advice on how to cope?

Please help me. I'm so lost.


Jodi - posted on 02/23/2014




I agree with Michelle, but I also think maybe, despite how tight it is financially, it is worth talking to a counsellor about how you feel. Talking to someone objective can really help you work through your feelings and help you find solutions that you can live with. Clearly this is a process for you, and having help in that process can be really beneficial. Maybe even some counselling together to help you both with working this into your relationship in a positive way.

Also, can I just clear up your math.......if his son is 7, and you are 23, you were not 13 when he was born ;) Just had to fix that one up for you, LOL.


View replies by

Michelle - posted on 02/23/2014




I think you need to realize and accept that he had a past (just like everyone does) and there may be things you don't like.
Your main decision is if you love him enough to stand by him or want to walk away. Finding out about his child hasn't changed who he is. You need to think about why you fell in love with him in the first place. It wasn't his fault that he didn't tell you, he didn't know.
If it was me I wouldn't be leaving, my ex had a son before I met him and he was in another country. During our marriage his ex started demanding child support and things and it was hard but we got through it (that's not why we divorced).

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