My fiance thinks his oldest son may not be his, what should he do?

Jenny - posted on 05/16/2011 ( 38 moms have responded )

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My fiances ex wife had an affair on him for the whole 8 years they were married. He has always wondered if his oldest son is really his or the other mans. Now that the divorce is through and the other man has surfaced he sees a lot of this other man in his oldest son. Should he demand a paternity test or just leave it alone??

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JuLeah - posted on 05/16/2011

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Exam and search your soul for what it means to have a child. Is the child 'yours' because you love him, have raised him, have cared for him and provided for him all his life? Or, is he yours because your sperm was used?
Love or genetics?
What will this child think if he learns, "I am not my father's son" Their relationship will change forever if your bf takes this action.

Jenni - posted on 05/16/2011

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He can order a DNA test online and do it himself. It's also a heck of a lot cheaper. The only difference is; it won't stand up in court. But if it's just for his own piece of mind it's probably the best route to take.

Tina - posted on 05/16/2011

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He could demand a paternity test. But if he still wants to have a bond with this child I wouldn't. Even if it's not his child. He's raised him and the child knows him as dad. My Uncle had doubt about his daughter being his. It totally ruined their relationship he recently passed away and she still despises him for it. She is definately his. Regardless their is a relationship at steak here and the consequences of finding out could outweigh the curiousity. The thing to remember the child may not be his but he'll always have his name and always share a bond with him. It's up to the mother if she decides to tell him or not then she can be the bad guy.

Sherri - posted on 05/16/2011

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Also be prepared that he will no longer have any rights to this child any longer as well especially if another man is found to be his bio dad. So if mom is a bitch she could potentially hold this child from him forever.

Laura - posted on 05/16/2011

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I think that's a very rough thing to put a child through especially at the age of 8. If he was younger and didn't really understand it would be one thing but he's gone his whole life knowing one Father. and I mean no disrespect to your Fiance but it's really not about him it's about the child. I would say please don't do that to that poor boy because it would tear him up inside. He doesn't have the capacity to deal with that and there's no way to keep him out of it. He will think it's his fault. I think the DNA test should have been done when the child was in his first year or 2.

38 Comments

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Gwen - posted on 05/19/2011

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Leave it alone. If your fiance raised that boy as his own son, then he IS the dad. If he had questions about the boy's paternity, he should have done the test years ago. Imagine how this would make his son feel..."Oh by the way son, I'm not your Dad anymore.."

Jennifer - posted on 05/19/2011

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lol thing is if he had full custody of the son he has with her....she would pay him child support lol so he wouldn't have to pay her double lol

Jenny - posted on 05/18/2011

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Thanks Jennifer, nothing will change his love and money well who cares about that he would gladly pay her double for full custody of all his children.

Jenny - posted on 05/18/2011

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He doesn't care what his ex is doing now that's her life and on her. He found out through his divorce and Pi's during the divorce that this had been going on while they were married. She can screw who ever she wants. Anyway he has decide what to do and go on. Wish him luck and pray all works out well.

Jane - posted on 05/18/2011

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Personally I would consider it all past news and leave it alone. If I raised a child as mine, even if he didn't look like me, that would be my child no matter what DNA says. This guy is no longer married to the mother of his son, so her fooling around with someone else is none of his problem. He should just enjoy his son and be glad he doesn't have to worry about his ex's doings any longer.

Jennifer - posted on 05/18/2011

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Well, if it's bothering him that much then maybe he should do it. Especially if it would not change his outlook on the matter. If he JUST wants to know and doesn't care about the child support and still would raise the boy as his own then I don't see the harm in getting one done. But just to see, legally keeping him as the "father." And whatever the result, maybe he should pursue custody? Parents using the children to hurt the other is not only unfair and hurtful to the parent but also to the child.

Jenny - posted on 05/18/2011

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Suzy I think that is the best piece of advise we have had yet. This settles his mind and still allows him not to hurt his son in the process. He does love this boy and has always done everything for him it's just a painful and hurtful situation all the way around. He has decided to do a private test for his knowledge and whatever it says he will deal with and when the boy is old enough to understand then he will sit him down with a councilor and talk him through this with professional help. I must say I fell in love with this boy a long time ago and would hate to see him hurt or feel not wanted. Yes when and if he isn't his it will be hard for the boy for he will feel lied to by mom and hurt, so the less pain for now the better. Thanks for everything to everyone.

Jenny

Suzy - posted on 05/18/2011

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I would take the test for piece of mind but if the ex is as vindictive as you indicate, then I would do it without her knowledge if possible. If it turns out he isn't a biological son would the ex be likely to then take the son away from the only father he has ever known? Would she tell the boy that his faather doesnt love him because he isnt really his son? If he needs to know for his own knowledge that is fine but if you think the ex will twist the info in a hurtful way, then I would not discuss this with her at all. If it is his, then nothing changes. If it isn't his biological child then once the dust settles from the divorce, and the father/son relationship is on solid ground and ex's accusations are not an issue, you could always tell him then. This is a life altering thing and if the kid is too young or in too much turmoil dealing with the fallout from the divorce then I think the kinder thing is to wait. Being a father in the truest sense of the word even though he knew he wasnt the one that created the child, would show the boy how much he really loves the boy and wants to be his father. Plus telling him know would mean telling him what his mother did. All this might make the child feel alone - a mom who lied a dad that isnt his dad & a stranger that is his father but may or may not want to step up to the role....

this will not be easy whenever its done, but I think the best interest of the child should dictate the timeframe of when he finds out. Good luck!

Nikke - posted on 05/18/2011

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He should demand a paternity test because he need to know if that boy is his or not,

Jennifer - posted on 05/17/2011

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Jenny, how close is your fiance with the boy? if they are that close and he cares about the boy, let him remain a dad to him no matter what. However its also right to do a DNA and establish who the true father is but in my opinion, your fiancee is the best dad for the boy. JN

[deleted account]

Is he prepared to lose his son? If the ex is already badmouthing him to the boy... I wouldn't put it past her to deny him all access if the paternity test says that your fiance is not the bio dad... Of course, I wouldn't put it past her to demand a paternity test and do that to him anyway. Unless, of course, she's in it for the child support.

If it won't change anything as far as your fiance is concerned.... I don't think I'd go for the paternity test cuz it could destroy both their lives. Then again... sounds like mom may do that anyway.

Sorry, I know that's a bunch of rambling. I have no clue WHAT to advise.... Either way could be disasterous.

Tina - posted on 05/17/2011

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it's your choice what you do but what ever the results. This child is still his. Just don't let the result ruin having a relationship with him. It's not fair on the child.

Stacy - posted on 05/17/2011

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Please do the test for your peace of mind and financial reasons. My hubby had same thing happen to him, he didn't do the test when he could have (at domestics). He found out several years later the truth and then couldn't undo what had already been done (he signed the paternity acknowledment, baby out of wedlock). It's a tough decision as to tell the child or not, but when the child is used as a pawn it is never good. He paid support for years w/out seeing the child. He did the internet test, confronted ex and she confessed. He asked her to drop support since it wasn't right, but offered to continue to be daddy w/child none the wiser (she was also 8). Ex decided she needed the money more than child needed a daddy.

Jenny - posted on 05/17/2011

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well if you found out that you last 8 years have been a lie and that this person had been sleeping in your bed when you weren't home and having sex with your wife and claiming this child as his own you may have questions in your head too..this child looks nothing like the other 2 kids but exactly like the new child she just had with this man!!

Megan - posted on 05/17/2011

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of course tell him to request and pay for paternity for his own good self! I wouldnt give a guy 2 seconds if he doubts our child! sorry hugs to you!

Sandra - posted on 05/17/2011

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I think personally that he should get a DNA test to stop it eating away at him, secondly he needs to prepare himself for the results n figure out exactly what he wants from it in the end what ever the results may be

Patricia - posted on 05/17/2011

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Only if he is prepared to accept whatever the outcome may be. It may be truth or consequence!

Jenny - posted on 05/17/2011

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Thank you Sondra. we will always shower him with love for no matter what he is apart of our lives!!

Sondra - posted on 05/17/2011

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I was 11 when I found out that my man I thought was my father all my life was not my father. My mother had divorced my father because he was abusive and put her in the hospital when she was 6 months pregnant with me. I must admit that I did feel like my life was a living lie. I was not who I thought I was. I went through that self destructive phase as well. I also have an older brother that I have only just recently started talking too. He did not know that I existed, even though I had known about him for over 20 yrs. He was surprised. I have also found out that my bio paternal grandparents and uncles are all deceased. I never met them. I always remember my mother telling me to watch my weight as I didn't want to look like my grandma or that I had my fathers nose or I was just like him. It was very hard for me growing up and knowing that my life was basically a lie. I really wish my mother and adoptive father had not told me sometimes. But, if he really needs to know, he should get this test done and go from there. I do believe the child should know as far as medical reasons go. I am almost 40 now and still have some struggles with it as I have had some health issues that I cannot have answered as my older brother doesn't know this man either. So, we are both in the same boat. Best of luck to you both. It is not and will not be easy for anyone at all. Just make sure to shower this child with lots of love.

Jenny - posted on 05/17/2011

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Yes he pays child support but money isn't even a issue he could care less about that. Their are some medical situations that run in my fiances side of the family that are very serious and if it ever came down to it he would have to say I don't know. The hardest thing for him is wondering as he has done for so long, and now that everything has come out in court and he proved her cheating it has cause the feeling to arise up stronger. When they were together she denied it the whole time and told him he was crazy for ever thinking she would cheat but like I said the truth is now out and he's having a hard time dealing with what to do. Yes he loves his son and yes he's raised him but now this little boy is used by mom as the pond to say what she won't to his face. She has told her son that his father is a lyre and no good person among other things. This makes it hard for him to become close with the child for the mother feeds him full of crap. The last thing in the world he wants to do is hurt his son or make life any harder. Don't think this is easy or something he wants to do cause it NOT!! This is the hardest decision he has ever had to make!!

[deleted account]

My friends husband is in this same situation. They never did any testing because to him it didn't matter. They boy was his son no matter what. The boy is now 23 and I think he has suspicions, but to him it doesn't matter either. He has a father who loves him and who was always there for him.

Chrissi - posted on 05/17/2011

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I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation. And I don't know that legally the test would make a difference. Here in TX the man who's name is on the birth certificate and who has been the childs "father" for at least 4 years is legally the father. My cousin was in a custody dispute with her ex and tried to tell the judge that the little girl wasn't even his and since she was 4 years old the judge wouldn't even allow a paternity test to be submitted. So this little girl now lives with a man who is not her biological father, but her Daddy none the less. Really what needs to happe is your fiance needs to sit down with his ex and discuss this. They need to decide together if someone is going to tell the boy one way or another so that one parent is not blindsided by the other. Good Luck.

Kaye - posted on 05/17/2011

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Hi, I know this has nothing to do with this post, but Jenna Cooksley, is your Mums name Miriam, living in ChCh and originally from Qtown ?? K Giles nee Spittle.

Plus I do want to say, if the bio dad of this dear wee boy has intentions of now bringing him up as his own, then they need to do a test to determine the "Dad". Personally the man who has cuddled him, picked him up, played ball and rough n tumble with him & loves him, then that is his dad, who he also loves. No test will every change the love between father & son & this boy needs to know that. Good luck.

Valencia - posted on 05/17/2011

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I think the test should be done. Not only for the sake of knowing for sure one way or the other, but for a reason that no one else has brought up. This needs to be known for medical reasons also. God forbid something were to happen, or for the family medical history. If this is not hisi child, any history that is given of the "father's" family, would be false information, and could heed potential damage in many cases. Also, someone mentioned the legal ties?? It depends on what state you live in. Since they were married at the time of birth, in some states the husband has more legal rights than the bio parent. This means he couldl pay Child Support, he could be awarded visitation etc., etc.,

Sneaky - posted on 05/16/2011

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Not to sound cold and heartless (I am glad everyone else has already gone over what is in the nest interests of the child) but is he paying child support??? For a child that is potentially not his??

Jenna - posted on 05/16/2011

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That depends on whether he's willing to accept that the child he raised as his son will remain his son even if he's not biologically his son. The boy will see him as his father, regardless of what is biologically true. It's up to your fiancee as to whether it matters to him or not.

Bonnie - posted on 05/16/2011

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He shouldn't have to think about this forever. I think he should demand to have a DNA test done. In the end, dealing with the consequences (if there are any) is part of life.

Sherri - posted on 05/16/2011

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Well I just hope he is willing to deal with all the consequences good or bad if he finds out. If it was me I would never want to know and I would never speak of it or ever bring it up. So my son would never find out from me as a child or an adult. If I didn't know then I wouldn't be lying he would just be my son.

Jenny - posted on 05/16/2011

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He would not walk out on this child but if it isn't his and it is the man who is living with at the moms now shouldn't this child know his father?? My bf fear is that they will tell him the truth after he's grown and what this will do to there relationship. Will the son blame my bf for knowing and not finding out the truth?? Like Heather said above we don't want this to happen to him when he gets older.

Sherri - posted on 05/16/2011

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Well it depends is it going to change anything to find out? Is he going to walk out of the poor child's life and not call him his son? or is it better to just leave it as is and have a beautiful son who he is the father too and loves unconditionally.

Heather - posted on 05/16/2011

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my husband at 28 yrs old was told out of the blue by his dad that he was not his dad and his mom had an affair. He then found his bio dad and found he had 2 sisters. He is the spitting image of his bio dad and very closely resembles his 2 sisters even tho he looks nothing like his 2 brothers (who he always thought were his full brothers but now knows they are also 1/2 bros). That knowledge at that point in his life destroyed him. HE felt like his whole life was a lie. He started down a path of destruction which is now ending in a divorce from me becasue he decided that family has no value to him (we are 3 years later now). He dad has very little contact with him now and altho he always responds he does not initiate contact. And his bio dad and sisters do try to build a relationship with him but they are really strangers (strangers that look just like him) and he has no really interst in being close to them. So after seeing that angle of it (and yes i know everyone is different and everyone handles situations like this differently), i suggest that #1 he identifys that this child is HIS child and make sure he does not treat him any differently no matter what the outcome is. and #2 make sure that any decisions he makes are what is in the bst interst of the child and make sure the child has the proper support in place if he is told that this is not his bio dad. Also if he is told this is not his bio dad that he needs to be told something like "you are not old enough to know that i chose you, i adopted you and i love you and always will but there is another man out there who helped mommy make you and when you are ready we can meet him". Keep it positive and simple. This child should not be penalized becasue the adults in his life made hurtful decisions. Hope that helps. Also if you do order DNA test on line and do it, make sure you are not telling the kiddo that you are testing to see who his father is. Just come up with a story about tickling the inside of his cheek with a qtip to make sure everything is healthy and happy or something like that :o) Good luck

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 05/16/2011

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Easier said then done, but…If he feels the need to get it done, then he should…
If he has the attitude of “That’s MY son, that’s MY boy” then the outcome of the paternity test should not change a thing…
From a legal stand point there are benefits of knowing he IS the father

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