My fiancee commited suicide on July 11 2016

Yanet - posted on 07/23/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My fiancee commited suicide on July 11 2016 and i still feel guilty, i cant sleep it doesnt get any easier. He just needed me to be more loving i hate myself. Im y months pregnant and its just getting harder. I found him dead and the image is just in my head, ive thought about ending my own life, but i do have a 7 year old that depends on me and i love her so much, but i feel guilty living another day breathing smiling eating doing anything.

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Michelle - posted on 07/24/2016

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If all he needed was a hug from you, he would still be here. He had a lot more going on. It's very unfair of anyone to blame you (or anyone other than the person who took their own life) for anyone else's actions.
Grief can make people find blame in those closest and that is very unfair.
Get in to see a grief counselor ASAP and distance yourself from those that can't accept what happened. You don't need to be "blamed" for something you had no control over.

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Dove - posted on 07/23/2016

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♥ ♥ ♥ NO ONE should blame you. Anyone that had a clue about mental health issues would NOT be blaming you. As someone that was contemplating this very thing (thanks to a really bad reaction to anti-depressants ironically enough) at one point and was attempting to reach out to a couple of people that did not give me the reaction I was looking for... if I HAD done it... those people would have been 100% blameless. MY issues were just that... MY issues. Yes, I wanted certain things and reactions from certain people... pretty much every human does, but THEY were not and are not responsible in any way for the choices 'I' make... ever.

Your feelings of pain are very, very, very normal... and even your feelings of guilt are a normal reaction, but you are NOT at fault. Hang in there and take it one day (one minute if you have to) at a time!!! It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet. It's all just fresh and new and right there. Reach out to professionals and avoid ANYONE that even starts to blame you. They aren't who you need to hear from. ♥

Jodi - posted on 07/23/2016

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Sweetie, you can't take responsibility for someone else's happiness. I am so sorry others are blaming you - that is not fair, and it isn't true. They have no right to be blaming you. Please, please, please seek help from a grief counsellor. It is totally normal to miss him, and I am so sorry for your loss. But your are not responsible for this happening.

Yanet - posted on 07/23/2016

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I try not to feel guilty, but all the signs end up to me being at fault, everyone is blaming me, why would he kill himself if he was happy with me, i know he wasnt trying to really kill himself as he had done it before but he just needed me to give him a hug. Our baby will be here october 31st and im dreading that day already, it hasnt got any easier, i dream about him everyday and in all dreams he doesnt tell me hes ok, weve been praying for him and blessed his home where i found him, i cant keep his name out of my head, ive been taking every single sleep and anxiety pills. I'm in the process of seeing a therapist but as for now praying has been the only thing ive been able to do. I miss him so much and needbhim here, i keep hoping to wake up, to see him come for me, and tell me hes ok.

Michelle - posted on 07/23/2016

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The other ladies are right, it's not your fault and you have to stop blaming yourself.
I suggest seeing a grief counselor and working through your feelings. Yes you will mourn him and no one can tell you how long to mourn but you need to be able to be there for your children.

Jodi - posted on 07/23/2016

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This is NOT your fault. You need to understand that your boyfriend made this decision himself, and it wasn't about you not loving him more. He clearly had many, many other issues. In any relationship, it is NOT our job to MAKE our partner happy. We are only a small part of their happiness.

Have you sought counselling for yourself, and possibly your child? You really need to get some support for how you are feeling to help you move forward and to help you understand that you are not to blame here.

Dove - posted on 07/23/2016

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Do NOT blame yourself. Your fiance killing himself had absolutely nothing to do w/ you. He was dealing w/ the 'demons' (for lack of a better word) inside his own head... likely long before you ever came into the picture. It wasn't your job to fix that for him... because that would have been an impossible task.

I am so sorry you are hurting... please, please, please seek some grief counseling immediately. Likely for your daughter as well since she is certainly old enough to have been impacted by this tragedy.

I know divorce isn't nearly the same as experiencing a close death, but I have been on my own since my twin daughters were 6 and my son was first born... I never thought I could do it, but that was over 8 years ago now and we are all doing well. You CAN do this. I know you can. ♥

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