My Functioning Aspbergers Teenage Daughter and I are at ends often

Jessie - posted on 07/09/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Even before we found out she was High Functioning Autistic -Aspbergers, my daughter and I seem to have such a hard time with how she talks, respects my rules, is helpful or attentive towards me. Forget about how I'm last onn her list of priorities, this includes my health, my time, my efforts, or anything else related to being a close daughter mother relationship.

She sees how I go out of my way to make sure she has what she needs, and balance of what her 8 years old brother needs. How I split,myself so thin for her and my son, that many times I go without eating or sleeping to keep a promise I made, or holiday late night decorations for a special morning celebration.

It just seems she does not support, care, or worry about me. Yet when she needs money, a ride, a favor, an ear, its me that she comes to. It's all her.
Now, I too was a teen, a very "busy" teen. My social calendar was always full, but I ALWAYS respected my mother. My teen is on the couch all the time hears me in the kitchen drop something and have no reaction. My son however will run crazy to me and ask if I'm ok, and can he help me. My daughter never even looked up over the couch.

Help please. I don't know how to deal with this. Because now I feel even worse since I found out about her condition.

A sad mom

5 Comments

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Dove - posted on 07/13/2016

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Well, actually... I do have a little experience on the autism side... her brain is really not wired to care and understand the world through another person's eyes. That is something that is taught over time.

Dove - posted on 07/13/2016

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I have zero experience w/ the autism side of things, but... if you do not respect yourself and make sure YOUR needs are met... why would your daughter? Your (not just you... EVERY family) children need to see you taking care of yourself and putting your needs ahead of their wants in order for them to understand that they are not the center of the universe... they are a very small PART of the universe.

Your children need: Food, shelter, basic weather appropriate clothing, medical care, education, and love. Pretty much everything else in their lives is a want, not a need. I think if you can separate your thinking to recognize what is an actual NEED... and what is just a really strong want... for your children you may be able to understand that you are likely doing a lot more than necessary.

It is our job as parents to meet the needs of our children.... and it is nice to be able to give them some of their wants... but their wants should NEVER come at the expense of their parents basic needs (like eating and sleeping).

April - posted on 07/13/2016

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Hi! I want to encourage you both to seek counseling. It sounds like there are definitely some boundary issues going on. Asperger’s or not…your daughter has to learn what is expected of her and know her boundaries. A counselor can help you guys establish that with a healthy dialog.
You mentioned that you are last on your daughter’s list of priorities. Do you have a support system outside of your children? Other mothers or friends that you can lean on? A lot of times we (mamas) let our relationships, diet, and sleep get sacrificed in order to serve our families, but that is not always the best route. When you spend time and energy making sure your needs are met, you are actually investing in your family as well. Counseling could help you and your daughter establish a healthy mother/daughter relationship that will be good for both of you. Praying for you!

Ev - posted on 07/10/2016

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Mom---
I feel your pain. It can be hard to have a child that is high functioning with Autsim or Aspbergers. A lot of the time you never find out until the child is much older because high functioning people tend to blend in more so than those that you can notice more so.
My son was diagnosed with Autism but we were never told what level he was at or what to expect. At the time Aspbergers was still on the spectrum so I figured he had that or something akin to it. I never once allowed that to dictate how he got treated.
Like my other child who was older, I made sure he had rules to follow from the beginning and kept at it. IF he broke rules or had a fit, he had consequences. He had chores to do and if he did not do them, he had consequences. I also taught him how to be a gentleman in a fun way so he could learn social skills and manners.
You need to hold that daughter accoutable for what she does not do or the rules she breaks. Having Autism is not a good enough excuse to allow the behavior to go. She needs as much structure as that 8 year old. Start of with what she can understand and work up from there. Do not back down.
I also worked with special needs kids and used the same things I used with typical kids when it came to rules being broken but it had to be within policy of the school and state. At home, the same rules applied to my son as they had my daughter and he faced the consequences a lot. Today he functions really well, has to work on his temper being in control, and he has shown me how mature a young man he is with some of the things he has faced and dealt with.
Good luck!

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