My Grandma made a comment about my son today..

Danielle - posted on 05/06/2011 ( 82 moms have responded )

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Today, my Grandma made ( in my opinion) a very rude comment about my son.



We don't visit very often..maybe twice a year at best.

My cousin is getting married tomorrow and so we were all out helping set up the venue, and of course my son was there as well.

I stay home with my son so often gets intimidated with large crowds, today he had refused to eaten his lunch, he no longer naps during the day, and is always up at six in the morning.



Usually around 2 in the afternoon is his breaking point so I usually try to get as much done during the day as possible before that time. So we went out this morning to help, and my grandparents also showed up.



My grandma went to say "Hello" to Jack and for some reason he always get really stressed out and kinda flips. He keeps saying "No" and turns away, but in kind of in a tantruming way.

Now, he doesn't do this with everyone (at least not the people he sees regularly), but whenever he is meeting new people he doesn't like the attention.



Anyways, so I always get embarrassed when he acts like that and I never know what to say, so I often say "Oh, sorry. He's grumpy today".

In most time he is grumpy. He is 2.5, and his emotions are all over the place.



Today when I said that my Grandma responds by saying "No, he is not grumpy. He is always like this!" and then she pivots on her heels and walks away from us.



It made me so mad. She never see's him, and you expect him to what? Hug you?



It makes me feel like a horrible mother. Should I just chalk it up to hurt feelings, or maybe just the general age difference (that she may not understand)



Is it normal for my son to react this way when seeing people in general?

What can I do so he isn't finicky around people?

He doesn't like it when unfamiliar people talk directly to him.



P.S) he is also being evaluated for Autism and has sever language delays...which I also think fuels his tantrums to an explosive point.



I am just tired of everyone judging my little boy. It is starting to affect me emotionally, and I don't want to start comparing my son to other children, and have that affect how I treat him.

I also don't want my family to think that I am not doing what I can, and think my baby is a brat.



Any advice would help.

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Erica - posted on 05/07/2011

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First of all you have to take control of the situation when your son acts out in this manner. You should kneel down to his level and explain how it isn't nice to treat people that way. Even if you think he's altistic, he's human and needs to know of mis-behavior when he acts in such away.....this does NOT define you as a bad mother. It sounds like you need to do more w/him even though you stay at home w/him....I mean free activities like trips to the library or to the park, recreation center. He needs to be around other children, so he can become comfortable when he's around others. Be encouraged NOT discouraged.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Krista - posted on 05/07/2011

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I'm with the others -- I don't see the need to explain it away as him being grumpy. My son is also very wary of people he doesn't know well. I would just say, "It takes him awhile to warm up to people he doesn't know well."

I know you said he no longer naps during the day, but would it be possible for you to establish "rest time" after his lunch or something? Even if he doesn't sleep, just being in his room and looking at books or playing quietly might help him recharge his batteries a bit so that he's better equipped to deal with the rest of the day. And there will probably be the odd time that he DOES wind up napping, which isn't a bad thing.

Schyla - posted on 05/06/2011

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My oldest has SPD (sensory processing dysfunction) and she over stimulates very quickly (she was around 2.5 with major speech delays as well) she had HUGE melt downs with even people she sees all the time. Basically she's overstimulated and she reacts the only way her little body knows how, Don't Make excuses to people like he's just grumpy smile gently and reasure your little one that so and so is ok and then inform them that it may take him some time to warm up. My inlaws use to tell people I was teaching my kids to not like them (they were joking of course and I know this now but it still hurt back then) Your Grandmother is a grown women and set in her ways and SHE'S big enough to deal with her hurt feelings from whats she see's is a rejection from her great Grandbaby. My oldest is now 5 and with a lot and I mean A LOT of patients she now runs to greet her grandparents when she gets to see them (once or twice a year). Old People are very sensitive. My Grandfather got his knickers in a twist because my 5 month old cried when he held him for the first time. (He was wet and needed a change it had nothing to do with my grandfather)

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Okay, yes your son may have problems such as autism, but at the same time, I sense that you are too quick to excuse behaviour. If every time your grandmother sees this child, then of course she's going to remark that he's always like this. Why is it that you only see her twice a year? If its not merely because of distance then see if you can visit more regularly.
I've cared for children with autism at all levels, and they still require discipline as well as understanding of their social limitations. If your child is always defended by you when acting in this way then he learns that it is totally okay for him to act like this...he doesn't have to make any effort. If your child acts this way every time your grandmother sees him, then how on earth is she supposed to know that there are times when he doesn't? She is not able to read minds, she can only make judgements by what she experiences. I doubt that she expects your child to hug her, after all, being a grandmother means that she has had experience with young children too...have you discussed what is happening with her? Again she can't read your mind and if you don't communicate, but merely leap to the defense of your son when he behaves poorly, of course she is going to assume he is spoilt.
People are always going to judge your children, so get used to it...stop excusing bad behaviour and expecting others to agree with your choice. A 2 and a half year old child is no longer a baby, so please stop referring to him as such. Include your family in what is happening re your child, even invite them to come to appointments etc so that you are all on the same page, and you can support each other.

Evelyn - posted on 05/08/2011

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Stop blaming the Great Grandmother, this child needs to have an afternoon nap. Up at 6 am . We, great Grands did rear our children to behave, Mine never met a stranger although today parents lives in fear of strangers. The Mother should make a point to visit her elderly grand parents more often with the child.

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sounds very normal to me for his age i have an almost 2 yr old boy and 2.5 yr old twin nephews and a 3 yr old god son they all act like that especially when they havent seen you in a while or dont know someone. Its her fault for not being involved with your son more.. at least thats my opinion. dont let her get you down =)

Danielle - posted on 05/09/2011

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Thank you all for your advice.



I feel at this time I can close this conversation.

I was in no means trying to "excuse" my child's behavior. It is not something that feel that could be dealt with any differently. If I would have grabbed my son, and pulled him aside (probably flailing and screaming) it would have made more of a scene.

We do have a marginally structured day, and he does get time-outs and disciplined for unwanted behavior. That being said, I don't discipline for any reason.

He didn't hit anyone, or scream bloody murder. He said "No" in a whiny voice and pulled away.

In an attempt to discipline him for those actions would only escalate his temper...and I felt it would be unnecessary.



When he was starting to be whiny I reminded him to "Be nice"...wither he is going to or not in this situation has nothing to do with me. I can't control his feelings when someone he barely knows approaches him.



I do not have a very strong relationship with that side of the family. Since my mother had an affair and left my father, and my decision to live with my father instead of their daughter (my mother) they have had little contact with me. They are under the impression that because of my decision to live with my father that I have made my choice with what family I wanted to be with.



We do still see each other a couple times a year for special occasions and I have made some efforts to visit, but feel very unwelcome. My son is not always like this around them as well. They have been a couple times where (when we visited) he had warmed up and started to engage his surroundings.

Which is why I was a little offended that she had jumped to that conclusion when he wasn't always like that.



As for his possible Autism, I am not sure if this is something he has or not.

All I can say for sure is that he exudes more than half of the symptoms which includes: lack of imagination play, lack of communication skills, lack of engaging other children, strange possessions over certain objects (the telephone), violent outburst that aren't necessary (like when his cracker breaks before he can eat it), as well as many others.

So to be safe I would prefer to get him checked.

Suzanne - posted on 05/09/2011

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Don't be so sure he is Autistic - everyone wants to label everyone these days! he is just a baby

Sharon-Kathleen - posted on 05/09/2011

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It is absolutely amazing how family expects their little ones to jump up and respond to them with love and affection even if they don't see them for years!! Your son is acting like a typical child, autistic or not. I have four children, one with autism, and all of them don't hug my inlaws, they see them once every two years and don't feel major affection towards them. If he is autistic, don't let them use it as an excuse for their rude behavior. If they don't see him for two years, they can't expect miracles. Good luck.

Mustika - posted on 05/09/2011

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I feel for you. My 2.5 yo is like that too. It took her 6 days to warm up to her grandparents, we don't see them that often as we live in different country. Fortunately my in laws are very understanding and that made a great diference. Try to ignore it. I know it's hard, but you are not the one to blame. It's their loss.

Sidra - posted on 05/09/2011

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omg one of my uncles always says that about my baby..cuz they spend the whole day at our house though..so its different with her..they see her all the time..but she has a tantrum every now and then, when she doesnt get something she wants..or is sleepy but fighting it..many different reasons, she's 1 1/2 and is at the stage where she is testing us.. and they'll make comments like "zaina" (another baby) is horrible..your baby is acting like her..so indirectly basically..i really dont care..i know how my baby is..i have to deal with her at the end of the day..it doesnt matter what people say..if you thnk you need to fi some habits with your child..do it at your and your childs pase..and do it because you thnk it should be done not becuase some1 else said somethng..throughout your child growing up there are always going to be people judging..remember that

Sidra - posted on 05/09/2011

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omgggg is that your son he is adorableeeeeeeeeeeee ahhhhhhhhhh!! srry i havnt read your post yet but i really had to tell you how cute he is!! awwwww :)

Victoria - posted on 05/09/2011

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All people are different - and your little boys just takes longer to warm up to people. I see nothing at all wrong with this! There is no need to apologize for it I think!

Lisa - posted on 05/09/2011

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I full agree with what Dawn said about explaingin everything that is going on, over and over if you have to. My daughter ( the one I mentioned before that is slightly autistic) is 10 now, closer to 11 and she still feels more confortable if she knows what is going on at all times. If we are leaving, she wants to know where we are going, why, what we are doing there ext....At first I used to fight her about it because lets face it, it can get annoying, however I have found it best to give her the answers she needs so that she feels secure in whats going on around her. If your son needs that in order to feel better about whats going on around him, do it for his ake and for your own.

Dawn - posted on 05/09/2011

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I have run a daycare for over 20 yrs..I will give you my 2 cents..

I have a child that I watch that has delayed speech and delayed understanding of communication, he too had terrible tantrums from the age of 18 months -almost 3..On a daily basis. He too is an early riser about 5:30 or 6. I have been working with him for a few hrs each day one on one while the other kids are in 1/2 day school. We work on baby sign language everyday. This School year (the past 9 months) he has learned to sign, "All done, More, down, Help. Please, sorry,milk, eat) He also says a few words that you can understand. Example: Down, Eat, Apple, Nana, Bye, See you later, socks, and a few more..He turned 3 in March and I would say in the last 6 months his tantrums are down to only 2-3 a week. Signing helps with the communication and helps with there frustrations. We encourage talking and signing both. He has been so much happier since he has been able to do the signing.

I talk to him and explain what we are going to do before we do it. I will tell him Everyday..We are going to get your sister from the bus. Sometimes he gets it other times he doesn't but tantrums happen more when he is put in the car and just taken somewhere and has no idea what is going on. I told Mom what I had figured out and so she tried it. Just last month Mom told me she took this little boy to her sisters..Every time they go he has a tantrum..He doesn't know her they only go every other month or maybe less. Well this last month she explained to him that they were going to see Auntie and have lunch and then they would go home to get his sister off the bus. She told him this over and over on the car ride to her sister. She was amazed that for the 1st time he didn't have a tantrum upon entering the door and want to leave. Because he knew what they were doing. Mom now follows this procedure every time they go out and the tantrums have been far and few between.

He too is going to be evaluated for a special ed program, they will check for Autism and other developmental delays. I always say Knowledge is Power.

On another subject..
ALL the children in my daycare take a nap after lunch ages 1 yr- 5 yrs. It is REST time for the kids 4 & 5. ALL the children under the age of 4 all sleep during this time period. I have done so much research on how naps are so important for the brain development and growth of a child. That is one thing I will NOT give in on.
Many parents bring me a child and will tell me at the age of 2 or 3 that there child doesn't nap anymore..Well after the 1st 2 or 3 days at my daycare the child is napping about 2 hrs and is a much happier child. Even if they fight it at the beginning if you make it part of the routine and do it every day they will get use to taking a nap again and you will see a totally different child.
If you can get the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" you will find they sleep better at night if the nap during the day. Best nap time is between 12-3. After lunch and still give then 5-6 hrs to get tired for sleeping at night with a bedtime of 7 or 8 PM.

Also keeping a child up all day so they sleep better at night is a Myth..It actually makes them have a less rested sleep at night. And both you are child are miserable.
I hope some of this helps..My advice is if you do the same thing every day and get the same results you need to change it up and see if something else will help. A week or two of a new routine, you will be able to tell if is working. Good luck, Dawn, (Grandmother or 3 and Nanny to many)

Carmen - posted on 05/09/2011

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Hi Danielle, I don't think it is normal for your son to react like that. However, you might feel very sensitive about it. I don't think your grandma was out of turn either. She stated a fact how she experienced your son. You stated yourself that he reacts that way with strangers. My advice: Instead of taking things personally (which you seem to do right now, feeling judged and getting tired of it), know that if your son is affected by autism (there is a large spectrum) you can do whatever you want, it will be long road to try and teach him social skills as this is one of the main challenges for children on the autism spectrum. Take him to a professional who can actually help you and your son. Comparing him to other toddlers with normal social skills will just freak you out and does not help either of you. All kids are special and come with special messages and gifts that those around them need to learn to decipher. Children with unusal social skills are not 'worse' than children with great social skills, they are different. Judging usually starts with ourselves, eg. often we can't accept a situation ourselves. If you go to a professional you will have more or less a guideline to follow depending on what the outcome is. If it is autism, it is crucial that he gets all the assistance he can get as soon as he can get it. Depending on how severe it is, there are programs in the US (not sure where you are) that might assist him to go to a normal school. I have written some articles on autism and done some book reviews on of them was on a book about autistic children. I learned so much from this mother who wrote that book and every parent with a child on the aspergers or autism spectrum will benefit tremendously. You can go to www.parentingtips.co.za a website I started for parents. If you click on the link with autism, you'll find the articles. Time is really of essence there Danielle. If he is not on that spectrum, then it won't hurt to have clarification of that either. The biggest indicator that autism is present that I got from that book is that children with autism do not do imaginary play. My son has just turned two for example. He does already pretend play, creates his own dialogues (half baby language, half English) and makes jokes. He delights in doing things that get people to laugh. Autistic children don't make jokes, they can't do "pretend" games. They usually only play games (rehearse exact situations) from movies that they have seen or when older conversations they overheard or books they have read. There will be no adding to the story on their own or extending a story or striking up a conversation. Aspergers is also on the autism spectrum but much less severe in most cases. Danielle, don't get despondent, you seem to be doing the best that is possible. Especially get counseling for yourself to be able to cope with this. You are not alone. Blessings and strength to you.

Natalie - posted on 05/09/2011

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Hi Danielle,



My 5 year old son is also like this. He has had certain "issues" since birth including eating refusal, reactive outbursts, among other things. He was diagnosed with Autism at age 2 and then went to daycare when I was forced to return to work for financial reasons which helped him out immensely in terms of eating at least. The second year of daycare introduced his violent outbursts, ie. scratching other kids in frustration. School started this year and the #@$*& hit the fan so to speak. He was diagnosed with severe ADHD. Its obviously so severe it looks like Autism. He does the same thing your son does with everyone except me. He is willing to hug and cuddle me (and occasionally his sister) but not to anyone else. You can tell it hurts my parents feelings but they realize its not about them. Its not personal. Its something my little boy deals with. He is sensitive and seems to have sensory issues. He wont even hug me if Ive eaten something that he doesn't like nor my father when he hasnt brushed his teeth yet that morning! I think this is where the food issues stem from.

Its much easier to explain to family when there is a diagnosis. Then it becomes obvious to family that its not "bad mothering" its just the way he is! People told me that I was babying him and he was a mommy's boy thats why he had these behaviours. I also felt awful and unsure about my mothering abilities until the doctor's became involved.

I think that because the elderly generation didnt grow up with these "diagnoses" and they are more difficult to reason with. Hang in there, be patient and realize you will need to act like a duck in some of these situations. Let it just roll off your back like water on a duck and concentrate on advocating for your son in getting any help he may need to make him successful!!!

(Oh... and my son also has significant language delays as well and receives speech therapy. This Im sure contributes to his frustration. (

Tiffany Michelle - posted on 05/09/2011

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Just like some adults, some children are just afraid of crowds, and meeting new people is stressful on children . . . don't worry about what other people are saying about your boy, you're doing your best . . . and if autism is a thought that may be some of the reason . . . my family is somewhat judgmental too, and i use to care what they thought, and i still do sometimes, but that's your child, you have to go home with him, you have to (bad use of words but) deal with him, not them, so they can suck it up and get over it . . . and you know maybe her feelings got hurt and that's why she reacted that way . . . either way, don't stress about it, you have other things to worry about i'm sure . . .

Sara - posted on 05/09/2011

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Oh, I'm so sorry this happened. =( But I do think it's PERFECTLY NORMAL for children to respond this way, especially at that age, and especially when it's nap time (even if he's not taking naps). My daughter has always been shy/strange around people she doesn't know (and seeing someone twice a year counts as not knowing them). Now she's 3 1/2 and she may be a little better, but she certainly wouldn't run and jump into a stranger's arms. I would say don't try to force him to hug or talk to anyone, or even feel like you need to defend him. When he's a little older you can explain to him that it's polite to say 'hello' back. In the meantime, just tell people that it takes him a while to warm up to new people. He's not 'misbehaving' - this is just his personality.

By the way, if you want to read of a funny/challenging experience I had recently, check out my blog - http://ladynamedcarlos.blogspot.com/2011... .
I think you will feel better and see that we all have tough times. Hang in there!

Denise - posted on 05/09/2011

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Of course your feelings are hurt. Mom's go into protective mode when their child is emotionlly or physically attacked. Instead of making the excuse that he is grumpy it would be best for you to tell people the truth which is he isn't used to being around a lot of people and this is just how he reacts to strangers or people he doesn't see often. Maybe a Mommy and Me play group either with other stay at home moms in your area or at local Community Education program in your area would benefit him. He could be around other kids and adults on a more regular basis. If he is diagnosed with Autism or anything else seek help immediately and do whatever you can do to help your child.

Bridget - posted on 05/09/2011

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If hr foes always act that way, then Grandma is right. If I were in this situation, I would use this as an opportunity to get him comfortable around new people. Make a book with grandma and other relatives he rarely sees pictures and look at the book and talk about them so by the time the next visit rolls around he is looking onward to seeing them.

Sonya - posted on 05/09/2011

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This is just an idea, but for the language issue, have you thought about trying to teach him some signs? If he understands you, then if he can learn some signs, it may make communicating a less frustrating experience for him. If he is autistic, I don't know how or if it will help at all. But if he can learn them, then it would probably be a HUGE bolster to his self confidence to learn something that he sees is directly applicable to the world he lives in. :o) Just an idea...

Toni - posted on 05/09/2011

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If he has speech delays, that can definately push him to an explosive tatrum. He gets frstrated that no one understands what he is saying. Also, some kids just don't care for new or uncommon faces. If he has any form of autism, that may not help. In my experience, children with autsim have a hard time dealing with new things, especially people. They like routine, and when you shake it up, it is difficult for them to deal with.
Anyway, as for what people think about your child, they don't know the story, and if they want to jump to conclusions. then that is their problem. You don't need to add what they think or might be thinking to your list of worries. And you can't expect a child who has only seen you a handful of times thier whole life to want much to do with you. Autistic or otherwise. My kids see our families often, and my youngest(14 months) still has to warm up to every one.

Angela - posted on 05/09/2011

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#1: Absolutely move forward on the Autism evaluation. If there is a medical condition causing his behavior, that needs to be dealt with asap. #2: Altho she should not have said it in insulting tone, it sounds as though her reaction was caused by hurt on her part for being rejected by her grandson. Is there a reason you don't visit with your grandmother more often? #3: maybe get him and yourself in more peer-oriented groups. Starting school could be disastrous if he doesn't get used to meeting new people. How is he with other children his age? #4: Welcome to the terrible 2's. Some of this is par for the course. Good luck!!!

Sonya - posted on 05/09/2011

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Your son is at a normal stage in the way he responds to strange people and crowds. He will not remember her if he only sees her twice a year. His long term memory is not fully developed yet and it will take time before he can see her only twice a year and remember who she is. Right now, his reaction to people is what comes naturally to him. It is a natural self preservation instinct. At this age they are more curious than ever and with him feeling insecure around crowds and strange people, his compulsion to stay close to his Mommy especially around strange situations is Mother Natures way of keeping him safe. And regarding him talking, I have friends that have toddlers, that didnt really start talking until they were almost 3. They eventually hit this point where their language skills just took off at a hyper accelerated rate. (now they are little chatterboxes) So, unless at this point he is unable to say simple words like Mama, Dad or simple stuff like that, I wouldnt worry too much. I would be more concerned if he didnt understand what you were saying. At this age, he should be able to follow simple instructions from you and understand most of what you say. (provided you arent reading him "the Grapes of Wrath or something like that, lol) Just keep giving him LOTS of love and doing your best to make him feel safe and secure. Let him know that its ok to be afraid and that coming to Mommy is always ok, no matter what. Fostering a healthy sense of esteem is very important so be sure that other people like GRANDMA aren't making him feel bad for being scared.

Sandra - posted on 05/09/2011

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I'm dealing with aging parents (80 & 82). I find that as people get older they say quite alot of hurtful things. I'm not sure if its because they don't care about social manners or if its part of aging. I know that I need a lot of patience to deal with them. Each year gets harder for us both. Please try to ignore your hurt feelings with seniors comments. They may be dealing with their own issues and are very far removed from being a parent of a young child. In fact its best to just do the best you can for your child no matter what anyone says. Don't waste time on frustration and anger. It won't help or change anything. I've even had total strangers make hurtful comments about my child's behaviour in public. I just read a comment from a person on facebook today about why screeming children shouldn't be allowed in restaurants -written by a person without a child. Keep doing your best and remember to also take care of yourself. Check your area for some playgroups and programs that can help socialize him as well as let you see that all kids can really have their moments of being "grumpy". Good Luck

Marlene - posted on 05/09/2011

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If your son is delayed, you definitely need to address that. Both of my children had speech and OT issues and they did not act like a "typical" child. It also sounds like he made need to be in a social setting with other children to help develop social skills. Good luck!

Tammy - posted on 05/09/2011

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In reference to your question “is this normal?” I would have to say, Very much so. Most parents try so hard, almost from birth, to teach their children NOT to talk to strangers. And, someone that a two year old has only seen 4 or 5 times in his lifetime, I think could definitely be considered a stranger through his eyes. Sometimes though, it is hard to be the person on the other end. Most folks, if you walk up to a child, and they don’t respond in a positive way, you speak to the parents for a minute, give the child a few minutes to warm up to you, and if it still does not work, you take no offence and walk away. However, you do have people from ALL walks of life and various ages, that are not willing to give the child time and space, that do get their feelings hurt. My advice to you would be two fold.
First, I think Grandma was just venting and a bit, and offended that the child was not familiar with her. But, unless there were more scenes like this, and it was brought to a point where your son understood this and was hurt, I would let it go and just chalk it up to an old woman’s right to vent, or one person’s opinion.
Second -- You mentioned in your email, that your son is also being tested for Autism. Is this something the family is aware of? If grandma is someone that you really want to be a part of his life, then this may be a good conversation for grandma to help her with him in the future. It may help to bridge the gap between them, and allow her to understand that she will have to approach things differently with your son, as well as learn to communicate to him in a different way. Take some information on exactly what autism is, and help her to understand your son. Either way, that can’t hurt.
But, no matter your decision, don’t let others opinions intimidate you into feeling like you don’t know your son’s needs or what is best for him. Because, weather your son has autism or not, before he graduates from school, there will be PLENTY of times where you will be totally and completely embarrassed by something he said or did. Just enjoy the ride for now, because all too soon, these will only be memories.
I hope this helps, but, it is just my opinion. Have a nice day.

ShacKz - posted on 05/09/2011

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Wow!!!!!!!! im so sorry to hear that danielle.....your son is two and a 1/2 he's a baby.....i dont care who it is they have no right to talk about your child "NO RIGHT" children act differently to crowds of people ....and your son is just not use to faces he doesnt see on a daily basis.......i hate it when people "LOVE TO LABEL YOUR CHILD N LOAD THEM UP WITH MED"........I FEEL YOUR PAIN....you just continue to love your child as a good mom would.... if he gets lil older and you feels "no one else" that something is wrong then you do what you need to do for your child...as far as what i think:: you baby is 2.5 years old terrible 2's, tantrums; whatever!!!!!! LOVE YOUR BABY DANIELLE... tell the grandparents to come around more often so they can get to know n learn more about their grandchild.....make up a scheduling plan for visiting time.... Was this helpful?

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So first off he's 2.5. He's going through big changes in his life right now and when someone approaches him that is basically considered a stranger, he'll reach for his security or where he's safe. Your grandmother was probably embarrassed and didn't know what else to say. Grandmothers, from my own experience, have a bad habit of not being understanding or at least remembering what it was like when they had little ones. Maybe she could have said, "Oh, I know you don't know me very well. It's okay." As far as you go, you do NOT have to explain anything to anyone regarding your child; no matter who it is. You are doing the best you can and there will be people out there that will accept it or they won't. You can not control that, so continue doing your best and it's your son that will benefit from you, not anyone else by you explaining or apologizing. I do understand it's a difficult position, but it does makes you more mad at that person than anything! Good luck as I know it's not easy, especially with grandma's~

Lisa - posted on 05/09/2011

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Well I don't really think your grandmother was out of line completely since more than likely from her perspective, he IS always like that to her, but you are also in the right with your comment about what can she expect when she doesn't see him but twice a year. I do think it is good that you have him being studied for autism and different things though because in my experience ( three time mother plus years in daycare teaching) that behavior isn't exactly "normal" . Normal has become a relative term, but "freaking out" when someone says hello, is not considered normal like just general shyness would be. And I agree with the person who said quiet time would be a good idea. That is what I did for my son when he was a bit older then that. Mine stopped taking naps by the time he was three and granted, he didn't behave like that but still he was and still is a rambunctious child so in the early afternoons since I couldn't force him to sleep, I would make him have an hour of quiet play in his room. Sometimes it would entice him to sleep and sometimes not, but he did get some rest and acted less like a nut for the rest of the day. I would definitely continue to find out if there are any underlying problems that are causing his bad behavior and help him as much as possible. As far as your grandmother or other family members are concerned, if you feel the need, you can tell them what steps you are taking to see if there is a cause of his actions or is that really just his "norm" and then let it go. Try not to let them hurt you with their comments since I am sure thats not their intention and try to see it from their side a bit too. They are more than likely just wanting to spend time with and love on your son and they are getting their feelings hurt as well when he rejects them, which to them is what feels like is happening. I struggled a bit with similar issues with my middle daughter when she was a baby. She is slightly autistic and while she didn't throw tantrums and such, she acted to family members more with indifference than anything which bothered my family because my oldest was so out going and different than her sister. I had to explain over and over that it was just the type of child she was, that it wasn't them, she acted like that to everyone but me and told them over and over not to take it personally. For years I felt that I had to "stick up" for my daughter to family even when they were comparing her to her sister. I kept having to explain how all kids were different and no two, even siblings, were going to be just like the other. Now that my daughter is older, she gets along fine with all of the family, still slightly indifferent as that IS her nature but my family accepts her as she is now and they all love her anyway, lol. It just takes time and patience. Just do what you can to find out IF there is something wrong and if not, just help him the best you can and don't worry too much about everyone else, things will change with time.

Ebonie - posted on 05/09/2011

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In my opinion.. and my opinion only. I see too many toddlers/kids do this and it is rude and it needs to be stopped by the parents. Now it may be different with your child but i can only comment on what i think you are talking about. Also dont forget our grandparents come from a very different time..good luck :)

Susan - posted on 05/08/2011

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The other thing to is, instead of trying a nap in the afternoon, consider quiet time.....I often just jput on some afternoon tele....and usually the kids fall asleep and have a nap of their own accord!

Susan - posted on 05/08/2011

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My little girl was the same at that age....good news is she grew out of it! There is a chance your son will too! I agree, your grandma was out of line. I also stay home with my kids, and I found that my little girl improved a lot after I started putting her into dance, she has tjo go with her teacher and relate to other kids her age, and I am not around for her to "perform" to.......every child is different, perhaps your son will benefit from an activity, and even if he doesnt there is still a chance he will grow out of it in time. whatever does or does not happen, please dont feel that you or your son are being judged you will only get upset and that will make things worse for you! just remember you are a great mum and that you and your son love each other very much......the opinions of anyone else dont matter.....I know, I have been called a bad mum to my face from the in-laws!

Tracie - posted on 05/08/2011

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I am sorry... My daughter has P.A.N.D.A.S you will need to Google it.. it is to hard to explaine.. But just stay strong and love your son, people are rude and that is life,because they just dont understand what you are going through.

Katie - posted on 05/08/2011

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My mother is exactly like that and worse. Never sees them and expect them to be cherubs. I recommend trusting yourself and your son and looking from a long term perspective - you will have a beautiful, growing relationship with your son for decades to come. Other's judgments are their own issues, so see them as that. Trust yourself and forgive your mum.

Stacey - posted on 05/08/2011

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Hi Danielle,
kids that age that Ive noticed even with my own i believe do that, its normal expecialy if he is not use to seeing her. i wouldn't let it bother you, and maybe your grandmothers emotions might off also been running on high she might off also needed a nap =)

Tina - posted on 05/08/2011

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totally agree with Jeanette. And Grandmother was overacting a little. But I don't think it's worth dwelling over. If she rarely see's her Grandson and can't understand why he then doesn't want a bar of her when he does see her that's her problem.

Jeanne - posted on 05/08/2011

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He is 2 1/2 years old. She is not.

He is expected to act 2 1/2. She is not.
He probably needs a rest period, even if it means you laying there with him for a half hour or hour. He will be more refreshed.

Don't be embarassed about it. Grandma should be embarassed by her behavior and for trying to make you feel bad. Most of us know that some children take a while to warm up to us and if she only sees him every six months, at 2 1/2, he has hardly seen her.

Just relax, let it go. Get the evaluations you need for your son. My kids were slow linguisticlly, they turned out fine. If it is determined there are issues, you will work on them. Just keep working with him with pictures so he will begin to recognize people he seldom sees.
3 and 3 1/2 is a lot different than 2 1/2. Give him (and yourself) time.

Jeanette - posted on 05/08/2011

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Why are so many people saying this kid has sensory issues? This is a developmental stage my pediatrician calls "stranger danger phase." If he does have any developmental delay, then fine, but lots of kids act this way at 2. I think we have a generation gap issue here. Least said, soonest mended. Maybe visit Grandma more often. She could try something I did with my niece. I lived very far away when Jess was born,and I hated that she would not know me when I visited. I made tapes of my voice reading her favorite books. With each new read along, I included photos of myself, My apartment, my cat, whatever I thought a little girl might like to hear about. When I was able to visit we had something to talk about,and she at least knew my face and voice. I bet Grandma would love to help with the "problem".

Kimberly - posted on 05/08/2011

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I agree that you should not compare your son to any one else's child. All children are different. I don't even think that for a 2 yo that he was really being rude. Autism def would fuel a lot of these reactions as well. My son was barely speaking at 2 and I know it was very frustrating for HIM because he was unable to communicate. The spec. that evals him will give you lots of coping mechanisms. Just know that my now 7 yo boy is doing great and even though socializing is difficult, he at least tries sometimes now (other times he still hides btwn my legs). This is normal for his disability thou. Grandma will prob. never understand so I say just ignore it and be grateful you don't see her too often. For those family members who you want to understand thou, explain that if they want him to respond, they have to get down on his level and not be intimadating and that it takes time for him to 'warm up'. Sounds like you know his schedule very well and are a great mom!!!! Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Jeanette - posted on 05/08/2011

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Lots of kids this age are shy around strangers. Grandma may be family, but if your son doesn't see her much, she is a stranger to him. Also, when kids want to use words, but don't know how to say what they feel, they get frustrated and act out. At age2, this is more normal than not. Grandma is from the generation when kids were supposed to be seen and not heard. Standards and ideas were different then. Thank goodness we have learned, over time, that kids are not just little clones of their parents.

Danielle - posted on 05/08/2011

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Thanks everyone for your responses!
I have tried nap, and he wont budge! We will try to put him down in the afternoon (around his breaking point), and he will sit in his room and throw all his clothes onto the floor and in his bed. He basically destroys his room. I have tried waiting by the door and interveining but then he thinks its a game and tries to run out of the room.. and I don't want him to think he is being punished by being shut-up in his room when he wants to play. We usually watch a movie in the afternoon instead.
I also don't want to keep him locked up in his room all day until he naps...and when he does get "sleepy" it is around 5 o'clock, and by then we can't put him to bed because 1) it is to close to bedtime, and 2) when we have tried to let him nap later in the afternoon he is awake till 12pm.

Jeanette - posted on 05/08/2011

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Yes, your Grandma was rude. She should know from having her own kids that they are shy at this age. He doesn't see her enough to have established a trust. When he is older, He will begin to remember doing fun things with Grandma. Then it won't take so long to warm up to her. Don't force your child to give hugs or other physical affection. My daughter used to be shy, too. I would just try to show by my actions that I was okay with the person.

Angela - posted on 05/08/2011

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athough your grandma WAS rude she was also correct, and i say this only by what i have read in your post. that is his normal way of behaving around strangers and you shouldn't brush it off everytime by saying. 'oh, he's grumpy'. that said, that does not necessarily make your child a brat or a problem child. he may have a very genuine and legitimate behavioral or psychological condition that causes severe stress in new situations. perhaps you should begin to observe these incidents so you can record them in a journal and then take the child and journal both to a professional. it couldn't hurt. and in the meantime, when this happens, explain to the person about your son's problem and tell them you are working on it, do not make very obviously false excuses. i'd also suggest that if he is rising at 6 and running on empty at 2.........it is most definitely time for a nap. he may not like it at first, but he will get used to it and i promise the rest of the day will be so much easier on both of you.

Jennifer - posted on 05/08/2011

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My daughter was never good with strangers either. She's almost 3 now and much better, although I wish I could tell you why or how. In my completely unscientific opinion based only on my own kid and others that I know, it's totally normal (and not a bad thing) to shy away from strangers a bit, especially when it's a crowd, they know him and he can't remember them, etc. My daughter was terrified of my Grandfather; we saw him today and she was a polite and charming angel. Who knows?
At the end of the day, your son is 2 years old and he's not being spiteful or rude on purpose. You might remind grown-ups not to take his behaviour personally, if you can do so diplomatically.
Cheers and good luck!

Charity - posted on 05/08/2011

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my son did that to his grandmother. but she knows he only acts like that when he is throwin a tantrum, but she sticks it out and talks with him. there are times that i get frustrated and runaway but it is because i am cranky... i think encouragement for them to spend time with each other is best. or maybe he will find interest in an activity she likes

Kimberly - posted on 05/08/2011

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Aw I'm so sorry your going thru this mama! Don't take it personal I have a 2.5 niece who is the same way everything u described no nap breaking point tantrum like saying no no no when someone tries to talk to her or Foch her. It is definitely in my opinion that he is good when he does that with people he doesnt know and if he only sees ur grandmom twice a year he definitely doesn't know her. I would be upset if someone said that about my child also. She is 18 mos and no matter who it is if is not me r her dad she won't even look at them. Don't blame yourself and don't take it personal or get upset their just upset and it's not your fault. An don't ever compare your son to otter kids bc they all develop different and even if God forbid he is autistic u will still continue to be the best mama and his number one support :)

Emily - posted on 05/08/2011

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Don't let what your grandmother said get the best of you. I know it's easier said than done but it's a must when you're a mother. I have a two year old and her favorite thing to say is "NO!" It really is just a two yr old thing. And sadly the older people get it seems like they have forgotten how kids act and some even seem to regress to children themselves. Sadly my grandmother did the same thing at Easter with my daughter. She tried to tell me how ungrateful my daughter was for the gift she was trying to give her but not only was she tired she was sick and doesn't know her all that well. And for some reason she didn't think I would be offended by her comments. It's hard when some one tries to tell you that your child is rude or anything of the sort, but we have to take it with a grain of salt and what my mom always tells me is to consider the source. Terrible twos is really a phase and we just have to be patient because it will get better but until then I would just ignore your grandmother and if she says something like that again tell her she isn't around enough to make a statement like that and that it's unfair for her to make such a remark. It's not a horrible thing to stand up for yourself and your child.

Marilyn - posted on 05/08/2011

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If you say "He's grumpy today" when he's like that all the time, I can understand your grandmother's reaction. It wasn't nice of her, but she was probably frustrated by what she saw as you "covering up" or "making excuses" for your child.

My oldest nephew is autistic, and something that has helped him a lot is structure. Having a routine throughout the day that he can depend on, not having to be friendly to strangers, and not having a lot of people focused on him. His parents also took him off dairy & soy products, and within a couple months his behavior had radically changed, and he was much more responsive when people talked to him.

Klb334 - posted on 05/08/2011

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All my boys were shy. If people give me a look like its me doing something wrong, (and its usually the older people), I ignore it. Especially when its family. Do people expect that our children will automatically know this person is family and be all hugs and kisses? No way! They are just another stranger in their eyes, especially if they dont see them often and they get in their face. You are a good Mom. No worries. Keep introducing your son to social situations slowly and he will be fine.

Blackwood - posted on 05/08/2011

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I see your frustration, however you are mommy and you are doing what you feel is best, when it comes to this situation, Try to understand her point of few, it's suppose to be a happy time and she was looking forward to seeing him, maybe her feeling are hurt or maybe she feels left out of your lives for whatever reason, you could say to her. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry if your feeling were hurt, we are currently looking into reasons for my son's frustrations, Thank you for your understand" and that's all you need to say, you've explained without too much detail and you've taken her feeling in mind. This is something you can say to others that are important to you, as far as other, don't worry, move on.

Heather - posted on 05/08/2011

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2.5 year old boys don't normally try to get other kids to play with them, ever. Girls do more so then boys, but boys like playing alone. I don't feel that there is anything wrong with him not wanting to play with other kids. That might change in the next 6 to 12 months....

Heather - posted on 05/08/2011

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I would ignore what she said. I would also look into getting your son some speech therapy ASAP. For our son, they wouldn't test him, through the school, till he was 3 years old. We just got him into speech class last year in November. He is also going to be evaluated for Autism. We are on the waiting list to be called to make an appointment.

What your Grandmother said is hurtful, but true. You can call and talk to her if you'd like and explain to her that he doesn't see her often enough to want to hug her or say hello to her. He IS only 2 1/2, not 3 1/2 or 4. Most children, boys, aren't friendly to other people until that age anyways. You are not a horrible mother, this is just the way your son is. You can help him in asking him to say hello to people, but never force him to hug anyone, even his great grandmother. He might not like her and get weird vibes from her, so he shouldn't be forced to hug anyone that he isn't comfortable with and that he doesn't know or see often.

If you want to talk more, my email address is mysticbutterfly37 at yahoo.com. I could tell you what we have done with and for our son, and maybe it might help you too.

My son used to act that way with my parents and with strangers. He still gets weird vibes from people and he won't talk to them or he will say no to them like your son did to your grandmother.

Try to either talk to your grandmother about your son, or try to not take what she said as hurtful when it is true. Your grandmother is hurt too. She grew up in the days when kids weren't diagnosed as Autistic, they were mentally handicapped, put in psyc. wards, or not treated correctly.

Have you tried reading some books or information about certain diets that can help to curb your son's behavior? Or does he have a very selected types and kinds of food that he will eat like my son?

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