Keilah - posted on 03/16/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )
Hi, I'm going to share my story with you all, if anything I just hope to gain clarity for myself. I had my 1st child at 16 . I was a troubled kid, in and out of trouble for years, always up to no good. I had a father that came around but he wasn't exactly fond of me. He preferred my brothers and it showed. I had been a victim of sexual abuse when I was 9 and also bipolar manic depressive, so ya I was the daughter of a fathers nightmare. I had my 1st child and after awhile I was done with her dad.. I didn't tell him that I just went and slept with a very close friend of ours...got pregnant on the 1st go... not good for any of us involved. I was more scared with this 2nd child than i ever was with my 1st it had been a year since my daughter was born and i find myself knocked up with a different mans baby. So me and this guy gotta try to make it work right? I didnt think I could ever do it on my own and the man I loved wasn't gonna have a thing to do with me once he found out what I had done. So i tried to force Nate into a relationship, I didn't want to be with him like that not really and he certainly wasn't wanting me, but abortion and adoption not an option. after 6 months of me stalking him and forcing him to play house with me I gave up I said ya know this sucks but im done with him, if he wants to see his son he knows the due date and he'll call or whatever. He didnt call until jonah was 6 months old by this time I have entered into a new relationship with a man that stole my heart so fast i thought he was going to be jonah's dad and we live happily ever after. Turns out my step dad plan was worse than all the others, he was very abusive to me physically emotionally every way. due to the nature of this I was afraid to let his real dad anywhere near us, even though deep down I knew I was wrong, I justified my actions making ill claims against him. Honestly me and him are the same we went through the same troubles we acted out in the same ways,,, I was no more fit @ that time to raise my son than he was. Here we are now my son 11, I'm finally the big 30, Nate is too...and I know Ive spent the last 5 years fixing all of me that needed to be fixed. Nate says he's clean and sober, he does have a criminal record but nothing that is child related or domestic, fights with men, not a good thing but not the worst either. He has 3 other kids he sees regularly, he's kept a job for 2 years which does say alot. He wants to meet jonah if jonah wants to meet him. I think I should let my son make the decision, and I hope that my son will somehow find a little bit of happiness from the experience. Ive robbed him of another side of his family. Apart of him is missing and I wonder if thats why he gets so sad and why he has the lowest self esteem ever, he doesnt like who is. I see it and Ive told my kids the entire history of my life the good bad and the ugly, I will never lie because I hated when my parents hid truths from me as a kid, I never knew my mom like my kids know me... I lost them when i finally got away from the Abusive One, I was so traumatized I guess from just everything that I kinda went alittle crazy. I never left the kids in a dangerous situation, I just left them with my mom and would go out and drink and party and try to forget the hell i felt inside. Being Bipolar certainly did'nt help out, my parents thought I wasnt fit told the courts i had a mental disorder and drug habit and that was that...my mom had temporary custody of jonah and my daughter went to her dads so their lives changed dramatically from one day being @ home evreyday for 3 years with mom 24/7 too no mom, no step dad, no sister, etc. This was the hardest thing for us , especially since I was falling deeper into drugs and drinking by the day.. i stopped seeing them entirely for months i stayed away.I couldn't look at them my shame was deep,relentless, i just wanted to die. I tried and stayed on this path for awhile... and in 2010 I said I gotta fix this I cant be this monster, Im going to get well and I most certainly did, I worked very hard to prove myself worthy and finally I have. So I guess what scares me the most is can his real dad stay commited to him consistently or will this end up being another disappointment like all the rest. My kids know why I was away Ive told them everything, No SECRETS, not for us I can't afford too, they can only forgive me if they understand the life I led. Today me and the kids we are closer than any others I know. My kids tell me everything, they trust me again, and they forgave me. I dont know if Nate is as commited to making it right as me, and my greatest fear is that another person jonah loves is going to brake his heart and leave him... is the risk worth it?