My Guilt Over Absent Father

Lee - posted on 08/12/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )

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First time poster, I apologize in advance for length and spelling errors (posting from phone!). I am single mom of 9yo boy. Unplanned pregnancy in college, me 24, dad 22. Dad got another girl pregnant around same time, asked both of us to have abortion, neither did. Dad wanted nothing to do with me/pregnancy, so moved 1.5 hours away to live w/ my parents (for 2 years). Dad rarely called, only saw son few times in those 2 yrs. I decided to move 4.5 hours (to bigger city, more opportunity) from parents, 3 hrs from dad. Dad would call at random times and demand to see his kid (at odd hours, ie when son was at daycare/not avail). Feeling threatened, took dad to court for sole custody, he never responded, I was granted custody. Never taken dad for child support, never wanted to "stir the pot" (I have good job, not on aid, etc). Son finally started asking more about dad the last year or so, so I reachd out and initiated visitations ( over holidays when I was driving thru town anyways visiting family). Just this summer I suggested a bi-weekly extended wknd visitation schedule (not surprisingly he bitched out on one of his wknds). Regardless, son idolizes dad, nothing but late nights playing/watching innapropriate video games and movies and food free for all (we are on restricted diet at home in attempt to naturally curb son's ADHD). Typical Disney dad in that aspect, but has no money or home of his own (mooches off girlfriend), so no extravegant gifts, etc. Dad works most of the time son is there, but son still idolizes him (gets to play with brother/sister, too). I'm not perfect, have made my share of mistakes, but I love my son more than anything. Feeling rejected, especially when son says wishes he lived with dad and only visited me once in awhile ( not in a hateful way, innocent but is still hurtful). In my heart I know I've done what I thought best for son, not keeping him from dad out of spite, etc, but constantly question myself. I've offered dad bi-weekly wknd visits througout upcoming school year, but his response is " have you considered moving closer (to him)". As expected, son obviously isn't worth the time/ money to make the "long" drive. It's not convenient for him. We are established in current city, been 8 years, friends, school, good job, just recently bought home, but then I question if I am not being a good parent by not moving closer to his dead beat dad - not for dad, for son. Fear son will resent me for not making it easier for dad to see him. Son had also recently mentioned wanting to see grandparents (my parents) more. I do feel more guilty about that, bc I knew they love him like I do, would do anything for him and visit as often as possible. I don't even know where I'm going with this, more of a rant I suppose. Thanks for reading. :)

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