My Husband

Shoua - posted on 07/25/2011 ( 28 moms have responded )

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Hi, I found out that my husband had cheated on me while we were dating and I found out after we already had gotten married and right after the birth of our first child. Still today, more than a year later, I am still depressed about the situation and others tell me to forget about it but I just can't. What can I do to make myself feel better? He would not tell me when he had the affair. I'm afraid that it happened right before I got pregnant because all of a sudden, tge "other girl" packed her stuff and moved far away. I'm guessing he told her I got pregnant. I just feel like he only married me out of obligation.

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Mrs. - posted on 07/26/2011

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I agree with all of the ladies who suggested you get counselling for yourself first and foremost...really just to have someone to bounce these things off of that is qualified to give you some real tools.

As well, suggest going to together to improve your relationship. If he seems not into it, still go yourself.

I find some men will get freaked out that you are moving on and really doing for yourself what you deserve that they will go to therapy eventually, just so they don't get left behind.

Really, do things for yourself that make you feel good, look good and improve your chances of moving on to bigger/better things if you want to. If you then choose to stay, you are that much better off as a person for it.

Focus on yourself and you child...if he wants to come along and join in on that positive, loving place you make for you and your child - that's his choice.

Brandi - posted on 07/26/2011

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I can not believe he has tried to tell you that his cheating is your fault! Girl nothing you did makes this your fault, I hope you know that. As sad as I am for you in this situation I am also sad for your babies invalved, at this point you are unsure that your husband loves you the way you should be loved as a wife and ur children are gonna feel that everyday. even if they can't say so now. You are a strong indapendant woman and mother. It takes more than one sided love to make a relationship wrk let alone hold an entire family together. I say take a deep breath and think about the kind of loving family ties you want your kids growing up around...the kind of love and respect you want your kids to grow up to be like and if you don't think you and ur hubby can have that, maybe it's time for a change. I know it's scary too...being a single mom, but you can do it if you think it's best for you and your kids. And someday you'll meet a guy that will show you he loves you everyday.

Hannah - posted on 07/25/2011

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Yeah, if you guys had a good relationship this wouldnt be hurting you still. And if he is not being totally honest with you about when/who/what/where about that other woman then he is never going to be honest with you anyway. You have to make your own choices, but you sound miserable kick his lousy ass to the curb

Katherine - posted on 07/25/2011

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Why and how would you just "forget" about it? That is serious. Those are grounds for leaving him. I certainly wouldn't have put up with that!
Not to mention that he could still be cheating.

Why would he have married you out of obligation?

Brandi - posted on 07/25/2011

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Dear Shoua, I'm sorry you are going throu this, being cheated on is a hard thing to overcome because a lot of other issues fallow in it's place. It's not something you can ignore, Your a mother of a small child and you should be able to focus on your children with help and support from your husband. I've been in your shoes and it is very hurtful, I ended up devorcing my then husband and moving on. I can tell you almost 6yrs later I still get a little choked up thinking about it, even thou I am now happily married with 3 beautiful children. The only thing I feel will help your situation is you and your husband talking it over, In order for your merrage to wrk thou this you need to KNOW he is on your side, and this will never happen again. I don't know what kind of marrage you and your husband have now....but it seems to me if it was a great marrge you wouldn't still be hurting over the past. I hope since it was before you got married, he has devoted his all to you and your babies. If you do feel he loves you and this was a one time deal, maybe councling would be to your bennifet, even if you can't get your hubby to go with you , it may not hurt for you to talk with a professional who could give you some pointers for working throu this on your own. I hope you can wrk thou this feel free to message me if ya need to talk more:) Good luck

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Iza - posted on 08/04/2011

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i'm sorry you feel that way.. you're worth more than being a second choice.. he is a jerk for doing what he did to you and should man up about his faults... and if its all true that he values you and your child enough to make the effort to earn your trust back... its going to be a lot of work, but a true man doesn't back down from a challenge when it comes to something he loves..

Elena - posted on 08/03/2011

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My advice: live the present, try to forgive him..... and keep him busy...with you! Suggest him to spend more time together and always discover new things: a new movie, a new way of spending the week-ends.

Marie - posted on 07/31/2011

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I read the best bit of advice the other day on relationships.... You shouldn't have separate lives, but you should know that you can survive separately. Thats what can make your relationship stronger.
I agree with some of the other posters, be YOU. If there is somewhere you want to go or something you want to do, then do it. For yourself. The hardest thing is thinking you're being selfish, esp when there is babies involved but time to yourself will make you a better mum, and will show your husband that you don't 'need' him to be happy.

Alisa - posted on 07/27/2011

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If your best friend/sister told you the story you just told us....what would you advise her? Sometimes removing yourself from the situation and thinking about it from the outside gives you the answer you need. I think for me it would also be important to know how you found out about his cheating. Did you stumble upon it accidentally or did he come clean on his own? Also, his actions and words (not just words) since your finding out are also important. Just be sure you are looking at the situation with your head, not just your heart. Is this situation what you would want for someone you love? If not, then why would you want it for yourself?

LaDena - posted on 07/27/2011

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Dear Shoua,
I am so very sorry you are going through this. See, for people that have never been through something like this it's easy for them to say to just forget it. It is okay to be upset about it. I try to put myself in your shoes, I've almost been married to my husband for a year, we have a 3 1/2 month old child, and I couldn't imagine how I would be. I know I would probably be furious, extremely upset, most definitely depressed and I would probably feel the same way you would. The one thing you have to remember, is the baby. The baby's attitude, energy, how he/she thinks all come from you. I'm going to recommend having a night out. And I'm not talking about crazy, go get drunk and go clubbing, absolutely not. That is the last thing I would recommend. Find a babysitter, go get a pedicure, manicure, go get a facial, something along those lines. If you can't afford it, I know this may sound childish, but have a sleepover! Play some old music, dance around in your pajamas, just let loose in a positive way. Just remember that nobody else defines you. You have control over how you act and react to everything that goes on in your life. Turn the negatives into a positive. As far as him marrying you out of obligation, did he explain the situation to you? Why he did it, what caused the whole thing to happen, etc? I'm not going to make-up excuses for him and no matter what, what he did was wrong. But, it's been proven, that it's very common men cheat after a baby's born. I guess they kind of think of it as a "one last round" kind of thing. To me, having an affair is unforgivable, no matter the reasoning for it it's unacceptable in every way possible. Maybe you 2 should try to work through it. Talk to him, see what he has to say for himself.

Judith - posted on 07/26/2011

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My advice is to seek counseling/therapy for yourself and for both you and your husband. The counselor/therapist can help you with coping with the unfortunate situation. As for a marriage counselor, he/she can help you properly let your husband know how his actions affected you negatively; he/she can help your husband determine the underlying reason why he did what he did; and finally, he/she can help you and your husband move past this problem. I wish you luck.

Jasmine - posted on 07/26/2011

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I feel your pain it has been 7 months since I found out my husband of 9 year had a 2 year affair with a 20 something at work. And I found out 2 weeks after having my 3rd child. Counseling is good, but what really gave me a sense of control in between bouts of sobbing was some good advise from a dusty book and prayer. The book was Tough Love by Dr. Dobson. I will send it to you if you would like. This book helped me to set the standard he needed to live up to to keep me. I am worth his effort and if he can't see that then he is not worth anymore my time. After I told him to leave after he too tried to blame me for the affair, he thought about it for a night. When he came back he was willing to go to counseling, was willing to leave his job, move out of the area, give me full acesss to all forms of communications, does not go anywhere alone and if he go out without me only with people I know and trust. The fact he won't go to counseling with you is not a good sign, in my book. If he loves you and wants to help you get though the feelings of betrayal that he created, sitting in a room talking for an hours seem like a reasonable request. Some guys think they will get ganged up on in counseling, so go to counseling by yourself and ask him to go by himself. That is what we did and then I joined the counseling sessions with him.t. You are worth his effort to repair the damage he created, remember that.

Katherine - posted on 07/26/2011

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You are a beautiful woman. Not that that matters but I thought I would tell you that any other man would treat you better.

You don't deserve this. And like someone said he will cheat again. He obviously doesn't respect the marriage.

Counseling may help, but would he be willing?

Laurie - posted on 07/26/2011

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By the way for curious minds...I forgot to put this in the post...she did not get custody back of her son. I raised him.

Laurie - posted on 07/26/2011

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Ok, this may not be the popular reply and there was no physical cheating (that I know of) in my situation but here goes.

25 years ago I met my now husband. I was divorced with a small son and he was divorced and had custody of his son. Even though we fell head over heels I began to notice that he was still very connected to his ex wife. We dated on and off (the off times were due to the ex) for two years before he just almost immediately wanted to get married. I was thrilled but curious as to why the sudden desire to rush into marriage. Naive me thought he just couldn't live without me. 3 weeks after we were married he was served with papers that his ex was trying to get custody back of their son. I was crushed. Deep in my heart I believed the only reason he wanted to marry me was because I was financially stable, had a home and he felt his chances of keeping custody would be better if he were in a stable marriage. She was already remarried. Of course he denies it to this day but even 25 years later I still get a hurt twinge about it.

The biggest difference in me now is:

As one poster said...I learned to love myself and realized that if he truly wanted her I was too good for him. He could walk anytime and I wouldn't try to stop him.

I turned it all over to God. I realized Satan was trying to put those hurtful ideas and thoughts into my head and I refused to allow that and dwell on it.

I told my husband how it made me feel. I told him that if he really wanted her (she was divorced again by this time) that I thought he should go to her because there was no reason for anyone to be unhappy and that I could assure him I would get over it. I wanted to be married to him but by no means did I NEED him.

I walked away from it and held my head high. 25 years later we are still married and now have a yours, mine and ours family. She is never mentioned.

Divorces are too easy and too common these days. If he reallly wanted her he would go to her. You won't believe how much better things will be if you let it go and concentrate of loving him, your child and making your marriage work. It's about YOU, HIM and your CHILD. Leave that other woman out of it. Don't give her the courtesy of entering into your mind, home or relationship.

Give it all to God and you won't believe how much better things will be.

Tania - posted on 07/26/2011

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Once a cheater, always a cheater. It makes me sad when women say, "But, I love him." You have to love yourself, and your child, more. Staying in a one-way relationship doesn't do anyone any good, except for the man (in this case). And it will be teaching your child the wrong way a relationship should be. Sometimes it is better, although hard, to end it.

Jennifer - posted on 07/26/2011

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I think the only way to get past it is through marriage counseling. If your both willing to work on it then that is a good sign. If he doesn't agree to seek counseling then he doesn't have enough interest in the marriage and you should move on.

Shyanne - posted on 07/26/2011

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I'm not married bit when I was 6 months pregnant my boyfriend cheated on me. I didn't know until the girl showed up to my hospital room to visit ky child. I was devastated and I couldn't let it to till almost 2 years later. He still hasn't told me the details and he acted similar to your husband. But the bottom line is you need closure and you will always.have that uneasy feeling in your stomach about.the situation. But its your choice to leave or work through it...

Jodie - posted on 07/26/2011

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How did you find out he had cheated?



Did he tell you himself or did you find out by other means?



For a lot of men, love and fidelity are not the same thing. A man can have a mistress but still love his wife. This doesn't make it right but when you think about it, he didn't have to marry you. Shotgun weddings aren't that common anymore as more people choose not to marry even when children come into the picture.



So the fact that he married you could mean that either he is honorable in doing "the right thing" by you when you were pregnant or that he truly does love you.



But if he DID marry you just because of the pregnancy, is that such a bad thing? Plenty of men just run the other way. What was the look in his eye when he was standing opposite you saying his vows?



Forgive, but don't forget. He may have mended his ways. But keep your wits about you for any strange behaviour. I believe in 2nd chances.... but not thirds.

Katie - posted on 07/26/2011

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Honey, one thing I've learned is that you won't forget!! My husband cheated during or second year of marriage (we have been married for 13 years now) And I only found out about that when he finally came clean 5 years after it happened. It still hurts to this day!! And we still have the trust issues as well. You have a choice to make. You can either forgive him and get through this bump in your relationship, or choose to walk away... Be honest with him though. Tell him what your feeling! Good luck

Tamara - posted on 07/26/2011

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Darling, take it from me Once a cheated, always a cheated, I have been in both places years before i was married. I was the mistress and i have been the one cheated on. But, you have to think, is this worth destroying your marriage over.

Catherine - posted on 07/26/2011

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Marriage counseling is a valid option in this situation. You may get to the bottom of the why and when and learn how to put it behind you. Conversely, you may realize that you don't belong together after all. I think the counseling is something you should consider. If he won't go with you, go by yourself, for yourself.

Amanda - posted on 07/26/2011

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I bet its tough loving someone and you don't know if he loves you the sameway back. If he really loves you then he should be able to you the truth. you are truly a strong person to still be with him and trying to make it work.

Shoua - posted on 07/26/2011

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We've tried talking about but he refuses to say anything. That makes me think he's still hiding something. I'm stuck in the situation and I just wanna settle this once and for all. I still love him so much but I'm also heart broken by his actions. And he blames me for him cheating. He said I led him to it. At first, he lied saying that we were broken up at the time, which is not true. I just want to keep my head up high and one day, I will have the courage to leave him unless he tells me the truth. I just want a sincere apology and for him to make it up to me but he hasn't put any effort to do so. He felt that since i knew about it now, he could just brush it off his shoulders. It's not that easy for me.

Amanda - posted on 07/26/2011

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I would have to sit down and talk with him. I'd tell him he has 2 choices and that there is no guarantee that i would stay if he told me everything. 1) tell me everything. 2) if he couldn't come clean then i would pack my bags an leave right then. YOU have a right to know when it happened its not fair to keep you in the dark about it.

Shoua - posted on 07/26/2011

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I felt he married me because he got me pregnant. The other day I asked him if he even wanted to marry me in the first place, and he responded that we both could've said no about the wedding. The thing is, I never told him I didn't want to marry him. I always did. That means he didn't want to get married right?

JuLeah - posted on 07/25/2011

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Well of course you can't just get over it. His words mean nothing and have no value. He has shown you he lies and cheats. He will have to SHOW you for a long long time that he has changed and each time he asks you to accpet and deal with this on HIS timeline he sets the whole process back by months. If he can't understand that, he has, odds are, not really changed.

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