My husband and his mother wants to go on a overseas holiday alone. Am I unreasonable to be upset???????

Annemarie - posted on 12/12/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I see myself as the ideal daughter in law. My mother in law is very undiplomatic and often says things that hurts, but in the 10 years I’ve been married to my husband, I have never ever been involved in a fight with her as I am trying to “keep the peace” and just take the beating when it comes. We visit my mother in law every weekend (she lives 30 minutes away from us) so that she can spend time with her grandson (her only grandchild), I send her pictures everyday of our son and calls her often.

After our son’s birth I suffered from extreme postpartum depression and after a syndicate stole a significant amount of money from me and then my father in law who passed away in my arms, it developed into major depression. I am currently on treatment, but am still struggling from time to time.

A few days ago my mother in law called my husband requesting him to accompany her on a two-week holiday overseas, she is paying. I was truly offended and I told my husband, but he said I should not feel that way as she would like to spend time with him…. Her seeing her brother on his death bed made her realize that life is short and she wants to spend her money on her children while she is still alive. Yes, it is normal to spend money on your children and to spend time with them, but I just feel left out and unhappy about this situation. (Just to give background information: My mother in law always went alone overseas with her daughter or her brother (who is on his death bed) whilst my father in law stayed at home, but it did not bother him at all).

I am starting to make plans to move out of our house so that my mother in law can take my place

It just feels as if this is a bad joke to test my depression meds or am I too sensitive????

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Ev - posted on 12/12/2014

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Have you ever sat down with your husband and talked to him about how his mother makes you feel and why? Does he even know how much it hurts you? I would start there and then maybe get into counseling because that is sounding what you need to do.

Michelle - posted on 01/09/2016

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I agree with Sarah, there's no way my husband would go on a trip with his Mother without the rest of us. Mind you, his Mother's isn't that crazy to think it's normal to go on holiday without her husband.

Ev - posted on 12/12/2014

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Annemarie--

That is why I think that some counseling or an outside party who has not ties to this might help you guys sort things out.

{but he always say: "don't take her seriously, she is like that..." or "she doesn't mean it that way". }-->This tells me that it is a cope out or an excuse to brush away her actions and words. He is not standing up to her an telling her what she needs to hear. He needs to be saying that he is married now, that the choices regarding his family are up to him and his wife (you), and that he appreciates the idea of a trip but it is not necessary and if she wants time with him by himself he can go for coffee with her or something like that. Also those lines tell me that he is not wanting to stand up to her and he is not respecting how you feel when she is like that.

I have been there. My ex used to drop anything we were doing and go help his family take care of things be it something needed fixed or something else which i can understand helping the family members out but when you are married with your own family and have things that needed taken care of first, you do not drop those and go run for the other first. We had a porch that needed fixed for years as it was rotted in a lot of places and only a small spot to walk to the front door. The porch was elevated off the ground about 4 to 5 feet as we were in a trailer on a slant. When I was pregnant with my youngest the rotted area grew and if the spot that was still good had gave way I would have lost my youngest child. That porch never got fixed until our child was nearly 4 years old. Yet if someone in his family needed something like that fixed it was no problem and what we had to do to our home could wait.

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Sarah - posted on 01/09/2016

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Hi
For what it's worth I think husbands and wives should holiday together. If MIL wants to take her son on holiday, she should extend the invitation to you and and her grandson too.

Annemarie - posted on 12/12/2014

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Hi, yes I have discussed it numerous times with him and he often agrees, but he always say: "don't take her seriously, she is like that..." or "she doesn't mean it that way".

I do not think counselling will work as I have explained calmly how "the trip" makes me feel, but he just said that I should not feel left out and that the trip is on his mother's bucket list, which is not true as she is still deciding where she wants to go.

The irony is, they do not do this to hurt me, my husband was just brought up like that and she has been doing her own thing (travelling without her husband) for years.

I just feel that we do not go on holidays often as a family and definitely not overseas. His mother should respect that her son is married and if she wants to spend time with him, she can take him for coffee and not taking him to a exotic island where honeymooners go.

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