My husband and I are divorcing, how long should I wait to introduce my new bf to my daughter?

Rachael - posted on 01/07/2011 ( 17 moms have responded )

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my husband and i are divorcing and he said he never wants to see either my daughter or i ever again, and my friend and i have become closer and hes know my daughter her entire life, when should i intorduce him to my daughter as mommys boyfriend?

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Iridescent - posted on 01/08/2011

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Honestly, you've been apart for all of two weeks, from a marriage. Most custody battles (at least in the US) if the mom is already dating they can lose custody. You don't know that isn't going to happen here, as it's only been 2 weeks. These can last for many years! And the parent that has physical custody during that time frame is expected to remain single until the divorce is legally finalized. Also, your daughter went from having a dad 2 weeks ago to none, and you're wondering when you can introduce your boyfriend as a replacement - that doesn't give her any time at all to grieve. Even 2 year olds miss people. Even in bad relationships.

Jodi - posted on 01/07/2011

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OK, your husband said he never wants to see you or your daughter again. How long ago did he say this? This is a pretty normal reaction from a grieving ex husband. Honestly, it is. My ex said it when he and I divorced too, and he disappeared from our son's life for about 6 months. He did come back very gradually. He was hurting and licking his wounds. It took a long time for him to come to terms with the divorce. He still (11 years later) has no interest in seeing me ever again, but he does have a relationship with his son, which is great. Personally, I think you should try a bit harder to leave an opening for your ex-husband and try to encourage a relationship between he and his daughter (through a friend of his, his family, any way possible). Also remember, his family has a right to get to know her too.



With regard to the boyfriend, if he has known her all his life, certainly keep him in her life, but keep it as a friendship for now when your daughter is around, don't try and *replace* daddy.



You haven't mentioned how long you have been separated from your ex, or how old your daughter is, so I guess a lot depends on those things too :)

Amelia - posted on 01/09/2011

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I just wanted to chime in as a child of divorced parents, try not to refer to your exhusband as your "ex" too much around your daughter. My mom NEVER uses my dad's name and still will only call him her ex or Amelia's Dad.
I was around this and deeply hurt my Dad when I said Hi Ex-Daddy at 6 years old. I didn't understand that just because he was mommy's ex-husband doesn't make him my ex-daddy.
Even though your daughter is young you need to be upfront and honest with her and explain everything!

Theresa - posted on 01/08/2011

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I think you need to take time for just you and your daughter. Not that your friend can't saty in your lives, but it should be as a friend only. You're moving from one relationship right into another. Give it time. Maybe you need to figure out who you are on your own before you move to a new man. And your daughter needs time to process things without a new "daddy" coming into the picture. You obviously made a bad choice in a man once (not trying to be mean), maybe you should take things slowly with this guy until you know for sure things will be good. The last thing your daughter needs is for you and this man who's been in her life to end up on bad terms, then she looses him too. It's only been 5 months since you've been seperated. Just take it slow and concentrate on you and your daughter. Good luck

Katherine - posted on 01/08/2011

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Sorry, just read your post. A two year old is VERY perceptive. I would back up the bus and wait until your divorce is final.

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Maria Antonieta - posted on 08/03/2011

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I am in a similiar situation as yours, my ex and I separated last June, and I started a relationship in october, moved out by November, because a bankruptcy lawyer told us ( my ex and I ) that we should stay married till the bankruptcy was finalized we did just that, however six months later we found out that we had to file separately and I could have divorced at the time in July it was frustrating. I know a lot of people give well meant advise, and think they might have the facts or advise. My son was 8 and I introduced him first to my boyfriend as a friend, but by November I had my own place and my bf had his, he spent the night and I explained to my son that this was the man for me, as I realized and now am waiting for my final hearing this november. I am now 3 months pregnant, my son is completely healthy, and he and my bf have a great relationship. Don't go with what other people say you should do, do what you think is best, if your daughter likes him and is accepting of him, he is not a replacement he is your partner and he loves you and your daughter.... love is over analyzed and over thought, in the deepest recess of your person you know if he is right for you. If you feel you want to date around and give yourself time, then wait before you introduce him, or hang out as friends, but dont show your daughter the more affectionate relationship. In my case my son and I had a great relationship and we communicate. His father was opposed to me dating but most ex husbands would rather see their wives alone than happy...

Rachael - posted on 01/09/2011

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I don't think the custody thing will be an issue with me and my ex husband, I just found out he's in jail for 18 months, for manfauctering meth, and i would take my daughter to go see him but he was shipped to a diffrent state, and we are in Alaska, so really not being in his daughters life, that was completley his choice. my boyfriend hasnt been around in the past week, bc we had a big talk about my daughter,m and he respects my choice completley, and maybe that means he'll be in my life for awhile, and i hope so. and I dont even talk about my daughters father in front of her.

Jessie - posted on 01/09/2011

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be careful with the other man as it can have an impact on your custody situation if you husband presses the issue. legally, my mother was not allowed to have male overnight guest unless there were blood relations (she didnt follow this unfortunatley we had a serious asshole in our lives for a long time until she pulled her head out of her ass) It was written in her custody agreement with our father after they divorced. I am 25 and I still wish my dad would have pressed the issue and gotten the jackass my mom dated off and on out of your lives, he ruined my teenage years and seriously affected my younger siblings. thats another story though. I don't think you should kick you boyfriend out of your life if you daughter is used to him being there but def not acknowledge him as your bf until everything is legally settled. good luck

Crystal - posted on 01/09/2011

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you didn't say how old she is but I'd say (from personal experience) about age 18 or 19.

Isobel - posted on 01/08/2011

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where can an ex tell you that you are not allowed to date or remarry...could you post a link for that info please? Thank you.

I started dating my (now husband-type guy) directly after I separated...the kids met him after 6 months, we started showing physical affection a few months after that and he didn't sleep over till a year later. Hope that helps.

Tracy - posted on 01/08/2011

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He's been stable part of her life since she's been alive, don't change that. She needs that now more than ever. Sounds like while legally you were married, you weren't living together for quite some time? Integrate this man very slowly into your daily family as step dad. But yes, who ever said moms can lose custody in some places in the US is correct. Your ex can even demand that you not have a man live with you that is not blood relation or you are not married to as part of the custody. If you don't need child support from him and he's no interest in being a father, have him sign off on his parental rights and be done. Some say a bad father is better than none, but I beg to differ. Blood doesn't make a man (or woman) a parent. Love does. Good luck to you!

Rachael - posted on 01/08/2011

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I;m sorry I ment that he asked for the divorvce about 2 weeks ago, but we've been seperated for about 5 months, and I again thank you for all the advice, it's helped, and has given me a lot to think about.

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If he's a regular part of her life.... I wouldn't want to take that away from her, but no sleepovers or physical affection between you and him until the divorce is final. If he is a FRIEND, he needs to stay that way until all the legal stuff is out of the way. Otherwise you could risk making a whole lot more trouble for yourself... and your daughter.

Good luck!

Katherine - posted on 01/08/2011

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Wait...your husband doesn't want to see his own daughter ever again???
I seriously would wait a while before you introduce any males to her.
This is huge, I don't know how old she is, but this is probably very traumatizing for her.

Rachael - posted on 01/08/2011

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My daughter will be 2 in April, and my ex had this happen about 2 weeks ago, he moved to another city, and changed his phone number, so it's not like I have anyway of contacting him, and my boyfriend has really been in my daughter's life more than her real father has been, see her real dad has been in and out of jail her entire life, and has been into really hard drugs, and before we called it quits, I would have supervised visitings, and when I would hand him to her, she would squirm and scream until he handed her back to me, he's admitted it that she hates him, I have never said anything bad about him in front of her, bc I grew up with my mother doing that to me about my father, and I hated it. I've had my boyfriend stay the night, and he's around all the time, but he respects my wishes on no kissing, or hand holding in front of her, he is amazing with her, he was very shocked and flattered when she called him "dada", and she hasn't even called her own father "dada" in the past 6 months, we've taken a break for the past couple of days, for my daughter's sake, neither of us want to get her confused, by any means, but it's all a messed up situation, but it'll make me stronger for me and my daughter, and if her dad never comes around, oh well his loss, but I will never keep him from her, I will keep supervised visits, until I know fo sure he isn't on drugs anymore, and people who do them, you never really know how that goes. Thank you for the advice ladies, and IO'd love to hear more of your feedback, (:

Louise - posted on 01/08/2011

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This is a bit much to take in for any child. If you and your husband have lived apart for a while then this will not be a shock for your daughter. If this is a new situation then I would leave it for a while as your child will automatically think her dad has been replaced and blame him for the divorce. I do not know how old your daughter is but if she is under 6 then she is more inclined to accept a man into your life if she is older then she needs to be introduced slower allowing her time to compute the new situation. Your husband sounds very hurt by saying he does not want to see his daughter again I hope when he has time to calm down he will readdress what he has said and step up to take the responsibility of being a father. Never bad mouth her dad in front of her and encourage a relationship as it will only bite you in the butt if you dont.

Christi - posted on 01/07/2011

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not for a very long time. you need to make sure your child does not see men come and go out of your life, it can be very upsetting and make her feel insecure. be sure she doesn't see you together or have him staying the night. it is hard enough for her to accept that she will no longer have her father in life without having to deal with a new man being present.

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