My husband and I have recently been told we lost our second baby at our 19 week check up.

Maghann - posted on 07/08/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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My husband and I have recently been told we lost our second baby at our 19 week check up. We went in for an ultrasound to discover the sex and they couldnt find the heart beat. The dr told us our baby had stopped growing at about 15 weeks. I was heart broken as i had felt baby moved and at the last visit baby had a very strong heartbeat. Now due to how far along I am I can not have a d&c- I have to be induced using laminieria monday evening and then tuesday morning pitocin. Ive had a week to digest this and every time i move i still feel pregnant and psychologically its killing me because my baby is still in the womb. My husband and I are planning to name the baby and have a memorial after delivery to help us with closure. however I am having a very hard time emotionally:( i have a beautiful 3 yr old girl and being with her helps but it still hurts. I just need someone to talk to that understands what im going through..

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Bonnie - posted on 07/08/2013

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Maghann,
My heart aches for you and your husband. We have a large family but have lost 7 babies at various stages~ 3 @ 10-12 weeks, 1 @ 3 months, 1 @ 5 months, and a stillborn at nearly full term.
I would encourage you to seek people, family and friends, that will support you and recognize that you lost a *baby*. Some will be well meaning but their comments might be hurtful such as, "You're young. You can just have another". Nothing can replace *this* baby.
While my faith in God did sustain me during those difficult days I still allowed myself to grieve. And you will have a hard day, seemingly out of the blue, but allow yourself to grieve your loss. I don't stay in that place~it wouldn't be good for me or my family but I can talk about it, think about my little one, and encourage others without "going over the edge". My husband grieved, of course, and yours will too. It just might look differently than the way we grieve. And men are "fixers"~I'm sure he'll want to lessen your pain. Find comfort in eachother. Your little 3 yo will be sad but children are quite pragmatic. Don't be surprised if she shares with others, in blunt terms, the loss of your baby. It's just how they process it. As you work through your pain caring for her will be one of the biggest blessings.
The other thing I would encourage you to do is to take pictures and hold your baby if possible. It truly does help bring closure. You might think pictures might be too traumatic or macabre, but I can tell you honestly, you will so appreciate them in the future. Also make sure you write down your birth story. How you found out, the feelings you've been experiencing, and how the birth went. It's just as important as if your baby had lived. I didn't want my little ones to be forgotten.
Lastly, it's important to take care of yourself physically. Your body will have to readjust just as if your pregnancy had gone full term. And I can tell you in some ways it's harder with no baby to nurse. Your hormones will take time to get back to normal. Make sure that if people ask how they can help, you let them! Having meals brought for the first couple of weeks would be helpful. And think "simple and basic" : simple meals, basic care for your family. And rest! Rest as much as possible!
I'm so very sorry for your loss Maghann. Consider this post a hug from a sister who has walked this road...

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