my husband does not want my son calling him dad, do you think that it is fair to my son?

Shelontae - posted on 03/30/2012 ( 65 moms have responded )

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My son is 8 years old. I remarried to a man I was married to 17 years ago. He said that he does NOT want my son calling him daddy but, papi is okay. Hmmm, well that's a problem because my son is part Mexican and my husband is part Filipino/black. What do I do with this?

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Stephanie - posted on 03/31/2012

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It sounds like you need to remember why you left that nut in the first place.

Nikki - posted on 03/30/2012

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My apologies but your husband sounds rather childish. He should feel honored that your son thinks enough of him to want to call him daddy. Unsure why he wants to be addressed in the same manner he addresses his biological father. He sounds special and this matter needs to be addressed and resolved promptly. Otherwise have your baby address him by his first name and keep it moving. This would be a deal breaker for me. Good luck!!!!

Samantha - posted on 03/30/2012

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I was about the same age when my mum remarried and we all loved my step-dad and wanted to call him dad because we didn't have any contact with my biological father (well, occasional phone call when he felt like it, but very sporadic). 20 yrs later, my step dad ditched my mum and barely has any contact with me or my children except on his terms. This was a very hurtful thing, and while we have managed to overcome much of the pain and reach a place where we can get along, my advice to you from my own personal experience, is that having kids call people who are not really their parent can have long term repurcussions, so tread carefully. I would tell your husband that "Papi" is out of the question and he should choose another name that both he and your son are comfortable with, or you will make the decision to stick with calling him by his first name. In any case, if he insists on using "Papi" if you and/or your son are uncomfortable with it, then there might be a bigger issue here.

[deleted account]

I was just going to say what Stephanie mentioned.... I have a feeling there is a reason the two of you divorced in the first place. I don't know what that reason was, but.... it sounds like it may still be there.

Nikki - posted on 03/31/2012

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Yeah tell him to grow up, he should be honoured your son feels that way about him not worrying about something petty like this.

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Harriet - posted on 02/26/2016

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I don't really see mind games but go with one of the other and leave it. I would not allow mind games and I would not get caught up in Women's liberation mind set either both mind sets have ruined countless marriages.

Harriet - posted on 02/26/2016

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The ethnic make up ain't the problem, but what I would do is he and I would sit down together and discuss and then based on our decision we would go with that. The child would have to except that.

Lola - posted on 11/11/2013

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My husband call his son "dude", "brother", or by name.he wont tell him son.

He does not want my sons to call him papi or daddy.
He wants to be called by name.

His reasons because he doesn't like the world daddy or papy.

I'm so mad and frustrated. He is the real dad!

User - posted on 04/09/2012

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Papi sound more affectionate word than daddy. There are many words for dad. Your son does not have to call daddy. may be he speaks English but basically his mother tongue is Filipino and father tounge is Mexican. I don't find any problem! Good luck with the word Papi!

Tina - posted on 04/04/2012

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Don't worry about some of the mean comments. I understand you're pretty upset. It's hard to focus on anything when you're hurting. I hope you're okay you haven't posted back in a while.

Carolyn - posted on 04/04/2012

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I never comment on these sites...this is my first time...but I would call him "Gone"! Your job as a mom is to protect your child both physically and emotionally. Your "husband" seems to be more concerned with himself than you and your son.

LORI - posted on 04/02/2012

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I married a man (now divorced from) that was a single parent of 3 children. At the time, the twin boys were 2 years old and the daughter was 5. The daughter knew her biological mom fairly well, but the boys did not. The boys called me mommy and the girl called me by my name. I wanted them to always be comfortable, therefore they could call me whatever they wanted. In your case, I do not think that it's unfair to your son, but I do understand your husbands position. He wants to be comfortable --- so, I do not think it's unreasonable for him to call your husband papi --- that name is culturally accepted for dad too.

Nechelle - posted on 04/02/2012

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Sounds like to me your husband doesn't want to accept your r son. There is a reason why he became your x, that would be the reason I would make him my x again... My kids come first....

Patricia - posted on 04/02/2012

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Thats odd! whats wrong with your husband.. Hes 8 whats the problem.. Maybe your husband has the issue.. How were things before you got married was that an issue before, maybe you shoulnt of married him if it was... How do you feel about it, have you asked your husband why he dont like to ba called daddy..

April - posted on 04/02/2012

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Find out what your son wants to call him. Maybe its a bigger issue to you than to your son. But if he's not his biological father there's no need to call him daddy, That's a name of endearment and holds high value so it should be earned. My biological father was never there for me so I never called him daddy I call him dad, still to this day I'm 41 now.

Tina - posted on 04/01/2012

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I'm sorry you're going through all this. Your husband clearly has some issues and he's not being fair on your son. Infact he is just playing mind games. My step dad was like that. It never got better unfortunately. You and your son are probably better off without him. The difference. My brother and I were taken away from our father. My brother was so young he just called our step dad, Dad because he didn't know any better. I was forced to call him dad. But when he was in a bad mood I was to call him by his name but still got in the shit no matter what I called him. The same with my brother. We eventually moved closer to our real dad again and a court order was put in place so we couldn't move away again. But even 18 years on my mum has 8 kids with him he plays these mind games. They're on and off again. Off now and permanently bu the looks of it hopefully. Don't let him come in and out of your childs life. It's really not fair on him.

Rebekah - posted on 04/01/2012

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I agree with Stephanie and Teresa. Also I see some kind of control issue here. That's my thought.

Kylie - posted on 04/01/2012

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Wow I didn't realize they call call the guy your married to at the time dad don't u think maybe just his name first that is your confusing your kids calling a guy dad and then not when your not married how about u let them have 1 dad there real dad

Heather - posted on 04/01/2012

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There must have been valid reasons for your divorce the first time! Our children should come first, remind him of that! Good Luck!

Kylie - posted on 04/01/2012

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Maybe his just trying to fit in hun after all your son is part Mexican yeah? Well as u know Papi in Mexican is dad so what's the difference his not asking him to call him by his first name his asking him to call him dad in your sons language, but I understand u what's the difference lol goodluck :)

Nikki - posted on 03/31/2012

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I really am sorry you are going through this. Interesting how something sooo minute became such a huge issue. Sounds like your mister is one who like to play "mind games" (for lack of a better term) and be the dominate alpha male. This does not sound like a man who loves a child. He sounds like a man who has a slight problem. There is no way in the world why he should want a child who already has an active father in his life to call him "daddy". It's almost as if he wants to erase your baby's dad. This is really a senseless issue. All of his actions point to a insecure man. I understand that he is a man that you decided to re-marry, but your baby is a priority and always will be. This male person was someone that you divorced in the past, perhaps he should have stayed in your past. My daddy says you never crap and step back in it. I really do pray that for your husband to get some sense and for you to retain your sanity. If not, you already know what to do. BTW I have a kick-tailed attorney if you ever need her. :-) Continued blessings to you and yours regardless of the outcome. God will prevail!!!

Shawna - posted on 03/31/2012

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Hi, Shelontae... I will be praying for your strength in this situation. It isn't easy at all. Something makes you love this man . I nvr syggest anyone to leave there spouse or divorce. Those are exreme measure for which some situations call for. However. He is being quite strange. I do suggest couseling if that is an option. I would sugggest it for u and the son first so this doesnt effect him in yrs to come. And for u for a piece of mind. Bc ur going to stress.Dont worry that way u can make a clear anology without being hasty. Maybe he will be willing to go eventually. Sometimesit has to be drastic for a man to see whats going on. But u first hv to be willing to except the outcome. All Blessing to u. Keep strong, what doesnt kill us make us more stronger!!!

Shakima - posted on 03/31/2012

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Honey take ur son & run! This guy seems to be in a competition with ur sons father. He doesn't seem to have his priorities in check as far as worrying about ur feelings... This is definitely a deal breaker , I have 3 children & I will not ever allow anyone to come in between my children & their fathers relationship. I think he needs to go!

Victoria - posted on 03/31/2012

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Was he acting differently to your son when he called him dad? Why did you bring up the issue with your husband? Has he stated he wont tolerate it? Everyone has likes and dislikes. You asked and he gave you an honest opinion. You want your husband to be able to communicate with you. Marriage and a family takes work. If he was getting nasty or extremely irritated about it then I would be concerned. But you wouldn't want him to lie about how he feels either. I would definitely take my sons feelings into more consideration though. Men come and go but your children are yours for life :o)

Stephanie - posted on 03/31/2012

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I really don't feel Shelontae was looking for a lashing or judgement. Just some direction. I feel the Rev and excuse me I can't remember her name but she gave you sound and helpful advise. Pray on this matter and maybe you and your husband should go to counseling to resolve your issues. I wish you the best and you will continue to be in my prayers. Much Agape Love.

Nichole - posted on 03/31/2012

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My brother and I when we were younger did not want to call our mothers new husband dad or daddy. So we came up with pops. Your son should be allowed to call his step father whatever he is comfortable with. Not what your new husband wants.

Sarah - posted on 03/31/2012

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Tbh, you sound like you got married for the wrong reasons, and this is not even close to being THE issue. The child is not his. The past does not matter, it's in the past. And seriously, you wouldn't have married him for that? Well guess what, you did. And you made a vow. Take it seriously, for goodness sake. How many children do you have? Maybe this fella senses you see him as a temporary arrangement, and refuses to allow your son to call him dad to avoid disappointment farther down the line. Seriously, though, reexamine your decision making process. It's hard not to come to certain conclusions with the little you posted

Shelontae - posted on 03/31/2012

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Well thank you but my son calls his biological father papi because of him being Mexican / Black. It is not important to me just really shocked me that's all. But, now he wants the marriage ended because he feels that because he and I were at odds his youngest son could not come over. So now its my fault but, yet he could not talk with me at all on Friday. No phone call or nothing. I am over it.

Shawna - posted on 03/31/2012

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I dont think u shld really stress abt it. it means the same thing. Theres just a cultural difference. Great luck. There are more important things for yall to debate abt!

Sonya - posted on 03/31/2012

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Im lost girlfriend. Gud luck on that one. I think u shud fillowing wat your heart say. Is it that impoetant for yoir child to call him daddy. Im a grandmother of 3 african american boys and i like for my gbabies to call me NANA instead of grandma makes it seems to old besides Im 43. Lol. Follow your heart. At least your husbans said he can call him papi. Thats wat my gbabies call their grandfather and hes 45. Lol...... Papi..

Heather Michelle - posted on 03/31/2012

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The child should be free to call him whatever he is most comfortable with. It should not be about what the husband wants. Making it an issue can cause the child to feel rejected and/or uncomfortable.

Shelontae - posted on 03/31/2012

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Thank you Stephanie I truly have enjoyed your responses. You are right and the first time we divorced was because his brothers girlfriend called me and told me that he was being unfaithful and had the girl on the phone. I assumed this was the truth and gave my husband not a chance. But after17 years of us being friends we discussed that issue and I thought that it was resolved. Maybe there is a grudge. One never knows what is in the heart and mind of men. I informed him that he will have to file if this is what he wants. He did not respond to that.

Shelontae - posted on 03/31/2012

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savione started to call him daddy but my husband stopped him and said that because of his religion (Islam), my son cannot call him daddy. I took a walk being in my feelings and decided that I wanted to fly home because I was hurt and so was Savione. But, my husband is not forgiving I see in that he wants out of the marriage. Its okay I will be just fine.

Shelontae - posted on 03/31/2012

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well Shannon it does not matter anymore really because my husband wants a divorce.

Shannon - posted on 03/31/2012

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respect your hubbys wish. If Papi doesnt work pick someting else. why not just let him call him by his first name. It works.

Shelontae - posted on 03/31/2012

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I just want to thank everyone for their input on this matter. I researrched an Arabic title appropriate for my son to call my husband with respect to my sons biological father. This title is "maulas", which means caretaker, friend, brother to one who has a father but not present. Well, I presented this to my husband and to no avail it was no longer good enough. He told me that because I was upset and took a walk and then felt that I wanted to go home, and that he could not go and pick up his younger son due to me, that I should have good luck in my next relationship. So, that's it folks in a nutshell. But, thank you all for you comments they rreally helped me see the light on things. I leave it to my Heavenly Father like always. HE will guide me. I will be going back home on Monday hopefully because he would like to see me leave soon so I am trying too for peace sake. I am in Sacramento California right now at his home and I reside in DC. I want to change my plane ticket but no funds to do it with so I will have to wait until April 10th and stick it out maybe.



May God Bless you all.

Shelontae - posted on 03/31/2012

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I just want to thank everyone for their input on this matter. I researrched an Arabic title appropriate for my son to call my husband with respect to my sons biological father. This title is "maulas", which means caretaker, friend, brother to one who has a father but not present. Well, I presented this to my husband and to no avail it was no longer good enough. He told me that because I was upset and took a walk and then felt that I wanted to go home, and that he could not go and pick up his younger son due to me, that I should have good luck in my next relationship. So, that's it folks in a nutshell. But, thank you all for you comments they rreally helped me see the light on things. I leave it to my Heavenly Father like always. HE will guide me. I will be going back home on Monday hopefully because he would like to see me leave soon so I am trying too for peace sake. I am in Sacramento California right now at his home and I reside in DC. I want to change my plane ticket but no funds to do it with so I will have to wait until April 10th and stick it out maybe.



May God Bless you all.

Gemma - posted on 03/31/2012

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I can understand the predicament that you are in. i presume that your husband isn't your son's biological father? if this is the case then to be honest, even as a woman, i can understand why he doesnt want your son to be calling him daddy. you have to put things into a male perspective and your own feelings aswell.



upon reflection, would you feel comfortable with another woman's child calling you mummy?

i know i wouldnt feel very comfortable with it.



your partner probably doesnt want your son to think that he is taking his fathers place. even though your son is at age where he can easily understand things they can also become rather confusing aswell at exactly the same time.



best thing i can suggest is to speak to your partner as to why he's feeling a bit awkward about it and get him to understand that your son has done it off his own back and hasnt been encouraged to do so. you should also explain to him that your son must have a very serious bond with him if he has decided to call him daddy.

Aunt Marty - posted on 03/31/2012

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P.S. what you call someone does not make you love or feel any closer to someone

Aunt Marty - posted on 03/31/2012

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I see know problem with a child calling his step dad by his first name. I have never wanted my children to call another woman mom, mother, or whatever. There for not to be one-sided they called their step dad that they are very close to by his first name. Each has there own thinking of the subject. My feeling is that a child has but 1 dad & 1 mom but many many don't feel that way & it is each their own right. At 2, I doubt he cares what he calls his step dad. It's whatever he heres, my sister being the oldest of the family and the only one married, had a daughter that started calling her grandparents mom & dad because that is what she heard them call. It did not bother her when she was corrected and said grandma or grandpa.

Elfrieda - posted on 03/31/2012

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So where's the problem? You ASKED how he felt about it, and he said he'd rather be called Papi than Daddy. He hasn't been telling your son what to call him, you just asked and he expressed a preference. Now you can express your feelings of why you think your son calling him Daddy is good, and then you've got the air cleared. Your son doesn't ever need to know, and everything can carry on the same way it has been.

Rev. Angela - posted on 03/31/2012

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The "general rule" has always been that step-parents don't get the traditional title unless the biological parent is totally out of the picture. Stepdads tend to be called: Pop, Poppa, Pappa and the like. Biological parent gets: Dad, Daddy, Father.



With your son being young, my concern would be more for what your SON wants to call him, not what your husband will answer to. Since your son calls his Bio Papi, it would be inappropriate to force him to use the same term of endearment towards your husband -- unless your SON wanted to.



I understand that with your son being part Mexican calling him Papi is understandable -- used like Daddy in English. So by your son calling your husband Daddy, he is using the same loving term. It's a lateral move, not a demotion.



With your husband being part Filipino he should be familiar with the Spanish terms. Just as anyone living in CA (like I do) has become familiar with other cultures vocabulary. Does he plan on calling him mijo or son? No need to "put on" with children. They simply want your love.



Tell your husband there can only be one Papi, just like there can only be one Daddy. He should be glad he doesn't want to call him Frank (by his first name)!

Stephanie - posted on 03/31/2012

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I don't see any disrespect on the part of the child. I see a grown man acting like a child. The most important thing here is the welfare of your marriage and if he was showing the respect necessary to his wife the welfare of this child would be first and foremost. The two strongest links is to take care of the weaker links and build them up and make them strong. Not taking them down with unreasonable demands. You have to pick your battles and why is he making it a battle when daddy, papi, dad, etc means the exact same thing but the child just want to be like his siblings and feel like he belongs.

Stephanie - posted on 03/31/2012

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I'm starting the divorced process as we speak. I just paid the retainer on the Lawyer. Your husband sounds like mines. My husband walked out on me three years ago stating I neglected him and that I put my kids, extended family and friends in front of him. Never mine whenever I needed support it usually came from my kids, extended family and my very best friend since Elementary school. My husband is a Narcissists. If you don't know what that word means look it up; that's what I did and it was like Jesus the Heavens was opened up after baptism. I Love my husband and I love him unconditionally. Everything he did was forgiven to the point of me losing respect from my family and friends. But when I finally learned three years later that I'm worth more then he was willing to offer and accepted the fact that the marriage didn't due to he and I and not me...I started to heal. Now after everything is said and done, he wants to try to be friends. Please , Please, Please keep your head up and never, never feel you are at total fault. Marriage is a two way road that is supposed to link up into one. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. I know I was totally off subject but sometime other people issues are a mirror to mines and I just don't wish what I have been through the last 25 years with my husband to be someone else nightmare. Stay encouraged.

EVELYN - posted on 03/31/2012

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A rose by any other name is still a rose. The only problem I could see is if your son does NOT give the respect that is due to his father!

Aunt Marty - posted on 03/31/2012

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My children are very close to my husband and they call him by his name, though they introduce him as this is my dad, he is called by his name. If he is not your sons dad, why should he call him dad?

Tenisha - posted on 03/31/2012

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I agree with you... I have 2 children myself & am now pregnant & if my children who are now 9 & 14 chose to address him as dad & he had issue with that it would concern me. I think you should gather your thoughts and have a talk.

Stephanie - posted on 03/31/2012

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I'm sure your son just wants to feel a part of the family by calling your husband daddy like the other kids. I feel your husband needs to practice some kindness due to this being in regards to this child's emotional well being. He will never know this child may pay more attention to him then his own when he gets in his old age. God has that way of making us regret our past wrong doings.

Stephanie - posted on 03/31/2012

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Hello Shelontae,

In my opinion and it's important to understand that I'm just another run of the mill reader like you; however, if your husband honestly does not mind being called Papi then so be it. It could be that he is just looking for an term of endearment between your son and him. But if he is being sarcastic, then that is a issue that needs to be addressed between you and him. Due to he is showing some signs of being prejudiced. I'm black and my younger brother calls my father Papi. Ordinarily that would be offensives in my community. But it is looked upon as an term of endearment between them.

Shirley - posted on 03/31/2012

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He sounds like a control freak on a power trip. If he doesn't want Daddy then I would also suggest your son call him by his first name but tell him that "Papi" is already taken!

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