my husband doesnt want any more children

Kirsten - posted on 03/27/2012 ( 31 moms have responded )

9

7

2

I feel really bummed out, we have two kids but i want three and he says he is done and that is that. I dont know what to do! Help!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jenny - posted on 03/28/2012

2

25

0

I'm in the same position. I have 2 wonderful boys ages 7 and 5. Our first child was actually a little girl and she would have been 9 this year. I desperately want a girl. I see my friends that have little girls and I see the relationship they have together. I also have a wonderful relationship with my mother and I want that. It's heart breaking because my husband does not want to try again at all. Both my boys talk about wanting a baby sibling all the time but my husband won't budge. I'm trying to decided if I can accept being done with children and it's very hard. My boys are now at the age where they are getting into school and the daycare expense is no longer. My husband says if it wasn't so expensive we would try again.

Michelle - posted on 03/27/2012

4,195

8

3246

Unfortunately you can't make someone change their mind. Has he given you a reason or just said he doesn't want anymore?



How old are your children? You never know, he may change his mind in a few years but not if you keep at it. You may just need to ride it out for a while and maybe in a year or two broach the subject again. It's something that you'll both have to agree on or it can cause a lot of resentment in a relationship, especially if he feels pressured or tricked into it.

Margaret - posted on 03/29/2012

2

0

0

Be grateful that you will not have three teenagers in a few years, three college educations to help pay for, one more adding to the world's population now over 7 billion.



Be grateful for two healthy children with two parents. Spend more time with each of your two children. Volunteer at their school or pre-school or volunteer even if your children are not yet at that stage.



Volunteer in a program to help high school children and get familiar with what the future holds in a few years.



Save money that would be spent on the third child and add to your retirement fund or college funds for the two precious little ones you already have.



Find some hobbies and ways to be nurturing besides having a child. Join an animal rescue group and save lives. Join a child advocacy group. Help needy children by becoming a foster parent for children in difficult circumstances.



My husband died of cancer then the kids were young. It was a real challenge making a living and providing for the children and having a smidgeon of quality time for them.



Your husband may be aware that he doesn't have the time to nurture a 3rd child as he would like.

Donna - posted on 03/28/2012

204

23

2

You have to have two yeses to have a baby. You can't force someone in to having another one or they will always resent it. If he doesn't change his mind then just love and cherish the two you have.

Heather - posted on 03/27/2012

64

1

7

My husband and I when we first met and began dating never agreed on how many children we wanted...from the time I was a little girl, I always wanted 4. He thought he only wanted 2.

Well we had our first one...it was wonderful. I always wanted them about 2 1/2 yrs apart, but when we had our first we were having so much fun that we waited a little longer...our daughters are 6 weeks shy of being 5 years apart. After our second, we thought we were probably done. No reason, just was nice having the 4 of us...then we started talking about a 3rd baby (our second was almost 5 then)...he really didn't want any more after the second...then all of a sudden, he started talking about more babies. So that summer, we decided to try in August/Sept so we would have a May/June baby...first try at it and we conceived. Now we have an 11 year old, a 6 year old, and a 10 month old baby boy. Planning on conceiving the 4th this summer! So he may change his mind...esp if the children are young...as they get older, things may be different. Age is a factor, finances are a factor, etc...Like Jodi said, what are his reasons...he may have concerns about having more children. If you discuss those concerns then you will have a better understanding of the other's wants/concerns, etc...

This conversation has been closed to further comments

31 Comments

View replies by

Kirsten - posted on 09/05/2012

9

7

2

not easy is it! Sounds like the conversation in my house. At least you are 26 and have a bit more time up your sleeve? We still havent come to any kind of common ground. its like hes just waiting until im too old. which isnt far off........ I feel your pain!

Zoe - posted on 09/05/2012

1

0

0

hi, I'm 26 years old and my husband is 36. We have 2 year old boy and a 6 month little girl but i still want another baby. My sister-law just told me that she pregnant with her second baby i'm happy for her but so sad at the some time as i know we never have another baby. ive try to talk to him about it and ive said we dont have to try untill our little girl near 2 years old but he just keeps saying NO and im to old to be a daddy again, but im the one who does all the looking after the kids and all house work and cooking. then he just say im the one who brings the money...

Anne - posted on 04/20/2012

4

0

0

Kirsten, I do empathize with you and your turmoil. I do understand the happiness of having the child I do but still feel the yearning for another one. I am not a heartless person and I am sorry if I came across as such. I just know that at age 35 almost 36 and with my health problemsthere isn't a way to have another baby. Also you have to have sex to get pregnant and my boyfriend has issues with that. We've been together since 2006 and have lives together since Dec. 2008 but still no sex. He's been married and hurt before so I know that has something to do with it. I just know when I can't have everything I want. I do hiope you and your husband can come to an agreement and/or a compromisse.

Danielle - posted on 04/20/2012

1

10

0

Hi, I'm in the same position as you, Me and my Husband have 2 children, Harry 6 and Olivia 4 and their the best things I've ever done in my life and feel that I was just meant to be a mum as I enjoy it so much even though it does come with it's challenges. When we met 10 years ago I did say I would like 3 children and he was fine with that but now as I'm feeling I would really like a 3rd child he doesn't. We have our own building company and as you probably know the building industry is struggling right now with the economy being what it is and my Husband really wants me to start work again to lift abit of the financial pressure off him which I totally understand and am now looking for a job but still would like another baby as I would like to expand our family just that little bit more as neither me or my husband have a big family and family is so important. I'm only 29 so ive asked him if He would like another child in a couple of years after I've worked for a while but all he says is ' never say never' but I really want a better answer then that as I do have endometriosis which I've had a few operations for and don't want it to be to late to have anymore given the condition I have and what it can do. Xx

Kirsten - posted on 04/09/2012

9

7

2

well, thank-you everyone for your comments, most really awesome and a few not. unfortunately it does'nt make my situation any easier except that i know i am not alone. For those who could'nt understand why i'm not happy with my two little cuties', i am, but i also cant help the yearning for one more. its been what i've always wanted and its a feeling deep inside that is really hard to explain.

Sally - posted on 04/05/2012

577

5

11

your husband may feel that he and you can have a much better life as you are. You don't state the childrens ages which could also have a lot to do with it. You haven't teally given a lot of infomation so its hard to give an answer but remember you do have two beautiful children.

Tresa - posted on 04/05/2012

2

14

0

Trying to understand my husband, we have been married for 7 years and together total of 13 years but We only have one child who is 5 and we have been disagreeing for 3 years about this. I would love one more child and he states he is done... I'm 31 and my hubby is 36 so we are able too but he won't... I'm hurt bc he wanted 2 we we got married now he changed...

Terrie - posted on 04/03/2012

134

2

6

It takes two to tango and you have to come to a compramise. There is really nothing you can do. Either way one of you would be unhappy. Rather have two babies and have you disastisfied than have three and have him disastisfied because the third will carry the weight of that disastifaction.

Happy - posted on 03/30/2012

341

0

44

Unless you plan on stepping out on your man, there is nothing you can do. Give it time, one of you will change your mind.

Anne - posted on 03/30/2012

4

0

0

With all due respect why can't you accept and enjoy the two you have? When I was starting to get pregnant I wanted three children. Now fifteen years later I only have one child that is alive. I have had three miscarriages with the last one being in 2006, the day after my 29th birthday. I've always wanted more than one child but sometimes we can't always have what we want. With the economic times right now be pleased with the two you have. I don't mean to sound harsh but this is only my opinion. As of right now I can't have anymore due to medical reasons and my "little boy" just turned 15 last month. I'm very proud of him even though I also feel sad about not having any other children.





A. Martin

Diana - posted on 03/29/2012

3

5

0

Don't beat your self up over something like this. I felt really bad for several years because of the same reason. Sometimes our discussions got so bad they turned into arguments.Soon after I decided and realized that putting the family i already have at risk because i wanted another child was not worth it i became pregnant. Sure my husband was not ecstatic about it at first but its his child after all and he loves our unborn baby. I'm due soon and he can't wait to meet his little princess. We don't know what the future holds for us and if its meant to be you will have another baby and your husband will love it. If not you have to remind your self that you already have two beautiful children to devote you self to and love! Good luck!

Yurena - posted on 03/29/2012

146

7

1

Hi, haven't read the rest. There are a few things I would consider before discussing any further: age of you both and of your kids, if you are quite young and your kids too then maybe, but if your kids are approaching their teens I would ask you if what you want is to 'complete' the family, or feel someone tiny needs you again. I always wanted 3 but realised when I was pregnant with my second that that would be my family done. I asked my husband to have a vasectomy consultation. People told me constantly 'don't do things in a hurry, you may change your mind', but I knew in my heart that was the whole of my family already. Also, had you discussed more children before? I feel that is a very important factor, if you knew he wanted a smaller and maybe you a larger family beforehand. Moneywise can you really afford it? Who is the main carer? Would it work with 3 as well as 2 (school shift, house, nappies, sleepless nights, work)? Talk, talk, talk, try not to get angry but get to the bottom of what you both want and expect from life, partner and family. And be thankful too for your 2, I'm sure they are lovely (why would you want any more otherwise?!) xxx

Ann - posted on 03/29/2012

1

34

0

my husband wants more, we have 3 already. we talked about having a large family, but my pregnancies were awful. i feel that i am done. i am more looking forward to enjoying life in 13 years with the two of us again. maybe that is what your husband is thinking too. sounds like you will be 53 when your youngest graduates from high school, 58 from college. is your husband older? if you have another you would be 63 when that one graduates from college, if you get pregnant right away. is that what you see yourself doing at that age? do you have the money already for retirement? what if the baby isn't healthy and you need to care for it through adulthood? there is always the future to think of as well.

Betty - posted on 03/29/2012

2

4

0

I'll be happy with 2 kids but I only have 1. Just enjoy what u have now... Maybe your husband is happy with 2 kids he got. Maybe he does it want to be tight down and he loves what he got now.. I know I will be.. Good luck...

Sarah - posted on 03/29/2012

1,258

14

164

We're in the same situation. We have a 3 year old boy and a 1 1/2 year old girl. He wants to be done. I want another. We had planned on 3 before we got married, he's changed his mind. My heart yearns for that 3rd baby so much. It seems unfair to me that it takes 2 people to choose to get pregnant, but only 1 to decide not to get pregnant. I've told him that I don't think it's fair that he can make a unilateral decision to not have a 3rd but that I can't do the same. Right now we're waiting and will see if we both feel the same in a year or two. I pray he changes his mind. I just don't want to go through the rest of my life regretting not having another. I don't know anyone who regrets their children, but lots of people who regret not having them.

Beth - posted on 03/29/2012

178

0

8

You might try to have a sit-down conversation with him about why he's done having kids. Maybe he feels stressed by having just 2. Or maybe he feels pressured as the breadwinner (this is just an example, I don't know your situation). And you could make your case for why you'd like another. I also agree with others who say maybe it will just take some time. Let him know how strongly you feel about it, and how his saying no is making you feel, and hopefully that will lead to a meaningful discussion. Communication is key in any relationship.

Anita - posted on 03/29/2012

51

16

3

After our 2nd (like 5 minutes!) baby was born my husband said no more. We had one of each so he was done! I always wanted more so I was gutted. Anyway, long story short.. he eventually changed his mind! Our beautiful babies are 9yrs, 6 1/2yrs , 3yrs, and 3mths! Yep I got another 2! So there is hope! Keep subtly reminding him how much you would like another one. You never know! ;0)

But if he has legitimate reasons, like the health of you and baby, then you really need to consider those and also seek medical help to ease his mind.. PND isn't fun either, but it can be helped too.

Robyn - posted on 03/28/2012

3

12

0

I too want a 3rd, but my husband recently told me he's done. He even talked about getting a vasectomy. We are 33 and 35 and have a 5 & 3 yr old, a girl and a boy. His reasons are completely financial. On one hand I totally understand and agree with him. I want to be able to have my kids go to dance class, swimming lessons, hockey,etc. On the other hand, I don't feel like our family is complete. I'm hoping within the next 2 to 3 years he changes his mind. By that time, my little guy will be in public school and we won't have to worry about 2 kids in daycare.

Varina - posted on 03/28/2012

15

51

1

I'm not sure how I can help, but I can tell you that many vacation packages and other events are geared for a family of four. Adding that extra person really ups the ante. I'm just pointing this out, since I was the one that didn't want more kids and my dh did. He came to terms with it while booking a family vacation when our youngest was 6months. I have 2 girls and am quite happy with that. My dh REALLY wanted a boy, but in retrospect I'm glad we didn't keep trying for one .. he's so male-centric about certain things that the girls would have been excluded.

Amanda - posted on 03/28/2012

3

10

0

It's a hard one does not matter what happens one of you is going to feel forced into doing something you don't want to do you not having any more kids your husband into having another best thing to do is to give it some time as forcing it may cause stress in your marriage it has to be a decision that both of you will be happy with . I asked my husband for a fourth child 8 years ago and he said no and I backed off till one day 5 years ago he asked me did I still want another child which I did our son is now 4 :) Hope this helps

Bonnie - posted on 03/28/2012

4,813

22

262

Honestly, I would give it a bit more time. It is possible he could change his mind. My husband was the same way, he didn't want a third, then he did, then he didn't. It took about a year and a half of talking here and there, but in the end he decided he wanted one more. We are expecting are third child now.

Stifler's - posted on 03/28/2012

15,141

154

604

I think what he wants or doesn't want matters too, in regards to having kids. It sucks that you feel like you're not done but he may feel strongly the opposite, he does not want anymore kids ever. I feel like I don't want anymore kids ever after having 2.

Kirsten - posted on 03/27/2012

9

7

2

Im 40 and kinda fel like im running out of time. Well ive always said i wanted three, i think he got PND after number 2 and doesnt want to live thru that again....... i just feel that all his reasons are solveable tho, by making some plans ahead of time (which i know can go out the window) it will help when baby is very small and super tiring for all of us. Plus our eldest will be at school and number two will be at kindy.

And we are very lucky and have a boy and a girl so sex is not a factor.

Heather - posted on 03/27/2012

64

1

7

Just remembered something...a lot of people would ask my husband if after having two girls, he was hoping for a son and if we would try for the 3rd just to have a boy. When we talked about having the third, we didn't even consider trying for a girl or boy...it was going to be what it was going to be...now that we want the 4th he actually said he would love to have another little girl...his sister only has two and one of the main reasons being is that her husband does not want 3 girls...not to mention that she is fine with two...she thinks we are crazy! Close friends of ours just had a baby and it is their 3rd boy...when asked about trying for a girl, she was like no because i could end up with 4 sons--she desparately wants a daughter!



Just another thought to consider...not sure what you two kids are...girls? boys? one of each?

Jodi - posted on 03/27/2012

3,562

36

3907

Is this something you discussed before you got married? I only ask because I often hear of couples agreeing and then one changing their mind AFTER the fact, in which case, it is really unfair to expect the other person to change their mind.



As Michelle said, you can't make someone change their mind. But depending on how old you are, and the direction your lives take in the future, you never know. But it is worth knowing his reason, because if you know that, then you can at least give that consideration.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms