My husband has told me ....

Summer - posted on 04/04/2009 ( 20 moms have responded )

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My husband has told me that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. We have two kids and yes I am a lot heavier than when we met but the more negative he is with me the more I don't want to do anything about loosing the weight. He said "fat chicks don't do it for me". It's not that my sex drive is that high anymore but it would be nice to have that intimacy every now and again. I've suggested we go and talk to someone but he's a typical man and says he won't go. I love him but what should I do?

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Toni - posted on 04/05/2009

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I went through something similar with my current partner. We met when I was over weight but I had lost quite a bit of weight before meeting him which he knew about. When we got together he said he would help me to lose the rest of my weight. Well, as we got comfortable with one another the weight started to creep back on. My daughter put weight on and so did my partner...but only a little.  My weight started to become an issue for him as he isn't very big himself...5ft 8in and a 31in waist. I started bringing up wanting to get married and adding to the family but he wouldn't get on board until I lost my weight. For him though it wasn't an attractiveness problem it was a health issue. I am already diabetic and I have an under active thyroid. Basically he told me he didn't want to have to look after me when I turned 50 or 60 all because I hadn't taken care of my weight when I was younger. At first I thought he was just being shallow and then I thought, what if the roles were reversed, would I want to take care of him because he had illness's and diseases brought on by obesity? No, I wouldn't. I'd probably feel resentful looking after someone with an illness which was totally preventable. Which is to say it is completely different from looking after someone who has an illness which wasn't preventable.



Anyway I've lost 2 stone with the help of Slimming World, my partner and I got engaged last November, we're planning on trying to add to the family in October (his choice not mine) and we're getting married in Florida in April 2011. I still have some weight left to lose but not too much.



I think my advice would be to put yourself in your OH shoes. Would you be attracted to him if he was overweight? You didn't say your OH doesn't love you but that he isn't attracted to you...there's a difference. If you was slim and he wasn't, how would you feel? What about long term health problems? If you want to change (and to me it does sound as though you might not be happy with your appearance) then sit him down and ask him to help you...you could even point out that he might benefit from a life style change too and explain how he's changed physically too since you've been together and not necessarily for the better...lol. See how he likes those apples, tell him you're willing to accept his imperfections and improve on them but he's got to get on board to help you with yours.



Good luck!

Kylie - posted on 04/04/2009

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it shouldn't matter what you look like Summer!!, Love is supposed to be unconditional.....in ALL areas. If you have been together through 2 kids thats long enough for the love to have become alot deeper than "what you look like". I have been with my partner for 8 years, and although we have both put on wieght and are a lot rounder than when we first met he still calls me gorgeous. Your husband has to understand that after 2 kids there are just some things that never go back to normal...a womans hips being one thing. Tell him he's being a shallow Jerk!!

Joy - posted on 04/04/2009

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I dont know your husband BUT if my husband was to treat me and disrespect me like this especially after bearing his children I would gladly pack his bags open the door and kick his ass on the way out. Marriage is for better or worse and if he is so focused on looks and weight alone that s a problem in itself. It is one thing to be concerned for your partners health if they have gained weight BUT another to totally insult and humiliate because of it. He should be encouraging you and supporting you to lose the weight and I bet ya he aint perfect! Why dont you pick on a few of his flaws????

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Ally - posted on 04/05/2009

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i seriously hope you slapped him right acros the face when he said that...what an insensitive jerk! am i to assume he is the perfect physical specimen...i doubt it! tell him that he can complain after putting on tons of weight twice to carry your children..icannot believe what kind of real man would ever say that to his childrens mother. i am with some of the other ladies on here...if he is unwilling to even go to counseling then pack his bags and change the locks..you deserve better..and so do you kids!

Shelagh - posted on 04/05/2009

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True - time and money are big issues. 5 seconds to put on a bit of lipstick, a couple of quid, or dollars, or whatever, for a new eyeshadow. Yes, it's tricky. PLEASE make the effort - for you.

Summer - posted on 04/05/2009

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Thank you for all your advice. I know my husband loves me and wants me to loose weight for the right reason, but it's the way he says thing that really knock my self-esteem when I'm already struggling. I don't think I'm willing or strong enough to leave him over what might not be that big a deal in the long run. We've been married 12 years and I don't think I could, or want to, bring up our kids on my own. Maybe I should take what he says with a pinch of salt and lose the weight for me and start taking a little more pride in my appearance - if only I could find the time and money!

User - posted on 04/05/2009

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As crappy as his comment is, don't allow yourself to react. You'll make yourself bigger and unhappier than ever before. If he is so serious about a thought like that, ask him if he is willing to support you and diet with you, and exercise with you. That maybe you would consider making yourself happier if he would help you and be happier about you doing it as well. He isn't giving you the support that is definitely needed to have the motivation. my husband only ever said to me 'as long as you don't ever get that big that you can't walk, I'll still love you.' Problem was, it didn't give me motivation enough to do it for him. So I had to find it in myself and unfortunately my health became a big part of it and I became diabetic. I have all the support I can ever hope for now, have lost 17kgs and am happier and have more self-esteem than ever. And in the end I did it for myself and my health and didn't need him as a motivation to do it...although the benefits that came with it........ 

Isabell - posted on 04/05/2009

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Let him know that  full size beautiful women don't   clean   cook   or  wash cloths.  The just sit on their full figured wonderful ass and drink coffee while waiting for their husband to make dinner

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Do you want to lose the weight? If you do then do it for you, not him. Find it within yourself to be strong and ignore him. It's a lot to give up over a few bitchy comments from him. It's never black and white when you are contemplating changing your life. Maybe if you make an effort, he'll consider counselling cos you've tried. Let us know how it goes.

Shelagh - posted on 04/04/2009

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And you love him WHY exactly??
Or maybe you agree with him, deep down? Maybe you don't find yourself attractive. Or maybe it's just easier to be unattractive. You have two choices - make yourself attractive , or just give up and accept his opinion of you. My opinion? Never give up!

Chrissy - posted on 04/04/2009

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Your husband needs a swift kick in the A** no offence. You are beautiful. and his "fat chic" is discusting. I am sure that over the last few years he doesnt look  as young and as hot as he used to. As long as you feel good about your self. If you dont do it for you. Typical man... thats right. the reason he wont talk to any one is bacause they will tell him he is wrong and he needs to grow up.



The things you need to worry about:



your health



your kids



out side of that. he can fend for him self.  you say you love him. then stand up for your self. because if he was a stranger on the street calling you a "FAT CHIC" i am sure he wouldnt let some one say that to you, and neither should he, as Joy said... pack his bags. if he doesnt like it tough, tell him he has the best thing he will ever have... the mother of his kids. NO SKINNY Chic will fill your spot no matter what he thinks. My x replaced me when I was 2 months pregnant. 9yrs ago. the funny thing is he continues to harrass me because he knows he fucked up. There is no one better than the mother of their kids. They wont admit it.. Because they are JUST MEN....

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I am on board with Mattie. I divorced my first husband who was very shallow. I felt like he was trying to change me and that's not what love is suppose to be. If your husband loves you and respects you then he shouldn't speak to you that way. You deserve unconditional love! Your appearance shouldn't matter - what's in your heart does!

Matti - posted on 04/04/2009

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Sounds like you are married to my first husband.  (jk)  I went through that with him.  I ended it.  He wanted someone else.  He was someone who thought the grass is always greener.  Funny thing is, he has bounced from woman to woman and then has tried getting me back.  My weight has been up and down since being a teenager.   I come from a big family (dad is 6 ft 8in and weighs about 400 pounds.) 



I have been pregnant 10 times and have 6 kids.  My second husband loves me thin and "fluffy" and to tell you the truth, since being in my forties, my self confidence is actually at its highest ever.



You be the person you are.  If you try to please him, you might never be able to.  Boost your self confidence.  Be assured that you are a beautiful woman   Love yourself and others will see that and hop on the band wagon. 



Like my second husband has said,  "If a guy thinks he can marry someone skinny and have them remain like that through the years of babies and hormone changes, then hes nuts!"



Be a strong person.  You are a mother.  Its a gift from heaven to be able to create life and to raise them. 



Be happy



If you have the self confidence maybe he will pick up on it and learn to appreciate you for you.



All my best



Tammy

Matti - posted on 04/04/2009

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Sounds like you are married to my first husband.  (jk)  I went through that with him.  I ended it.  He wanted someone else.  He was someone who thought the grass is always greener.  Funny thing is, he has bounced from woman to woman and then has tried getting me back.  My weight has been up and down since being a teenager.   I come from a big family (dad is 6 ft 8in and weighs about 400 pounds.) 



I have been pregnant 10 times and have 6 kids.  My second husband loves me thin and "fluffy" and to tell you the truth, since being in my forties, my self confidence is actually at its highest ever.



You be the person you are.  If you try to please him, you might never be able to.  Boost your self confidence.  Be assured that you are a beautiful woman   Love yourself and others will see that and hop on the band wagon. 



Like my second husband has said,  "If a guy thinks he can marry someone skinny and have them remain like that through the years of babies and hormone changes, then hes nuts!"



Be a strong person.  You are a mother.  Its a gift from heaven to be able to create life and to raise them. 



Be happy



If you have the self confidence maybe he will pick up on it and learn to appreciate you for you.



All my best



Tammy

Matti - posted on 04/04/2009

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Sounds like you are married to my first husband.  (jk)  I went through that with him.  I ended it.  He wanted someone else.  He was someone who thought the grass is always greener.  Funny thing is, he has bounced from woman to woman and then has tried getting me back.  My weight has been up and down since being a teenager.   I come from a big family (dad is 6 ft 8in and weighs about 400 pounds.) 



I have been pregnant 10 times and have 6 kids.  My second husband loves me thin and "fluffy" and to tell you the truth, since being in my forties, my self confidence is actually at its highest ever.



You be the person you are.  If you try to please him, you might never be able to.  Boost your self confidence.  Be assured that you are a beautiful woman   Love yourself and others will see that and hop on the band wagon. 



Like my second husband has said,  "If a guy thinks he can marry someone skinny and have them remain like that through the years of babies and hormone changes, then hes nuts!"



Be a strong person.  You are a mother.  Its a gift from heaven to be able to create life and to raise them. 



Be happy



If you have the self confidence maybe he will pick up on it and learn to appreciate you for you.



All my best



Tammy

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After reading the other responses, I felt I should add my 2 cents.  It seems to me there's something more than this going on.  I don't believe there would have been this kind of comment if things were alright in the marriage.  I think you have to work at a relationship all the time, through kids, weight gains, illness, tragedy, happiness and hormonal imbalances.  You don't say how old u r or he is. Are there other things going on, like finances, child issues, extended family issues?  Do either of you make the effort to be attractive to each other like in the early days?  Do you give each other undevided attention?  Do u have special date night t all?  Unless he was that cruel when you married him, I believe there are underlying issues that need attention.  Yes, it was rude and cruel, no doubt!!

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how rude of him!! my advice.... you go out there lose that weight.. feel good for YOU.. then you tell him where to go... xx

Joy - posted on 04/04/2009

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I dont know your husband BUT if my husband was to treat me and disrespect me like this especially after bearing his children I would gladly pack his bags open the door and kick his ass on the way out. Marriage is for better or worse and if he is so focused on looks and weight alone that s a problem in itself. It is one thing to be concerned for your partners health if they have gained weight BUT another to totally insult and humiliate because of it. He should be encouraging you and supporting you to lose the weight and I bet ya he aint perfect! Why dont you pick on a few of his flaws????

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