My husband hid his child from me

Therese - posted on 01/16/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I just recently got married to my boyfriend of nearly four years and after only four months into our marriage but three plus years of dating he decides to tell me that he has a five year old son with a woman he just acquainted with in the past. I'm extremely shocked, disappointed but above all hurt that someone I thought I knew so well would hide something like that from me all these years. I don't hate the little boy even tho I'm yet to meet him or his mother and would like for my husband to have a relationship with him which is very important to me rather that just paying child support. My worries are that having a relationship with his son would mean having a relationship with his child's mother too which the last thing I need is baby momma drama. I'm hurt that my first child wouldn't be my husbands' and my first pregnancy wouldn't be his first experience with such but this is something I'm going to have to deal with because I love this man and I want to love and accept his son too. I'd hate for the innocent little boy to be a constant reminder of all this misery going on. I really need some help/ advice. I can't really seek advice from my best friends or even my mother since this is still a secret between my husband and I. He's yet to contact his child's mother to get back into his child's life because he needs "time" so I need help on what to do before all this kicks in please. Thank you for reading and God bless.

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Sarah - posted on 01/17/2016

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I don't understand why he did not tell you? This is a huge, huge, secret. Why did he not tell you the truth before now? If he was young and was run-off by the grandparents, he could have told you. That is the most hurtful and worrisome part, he should have told you. If he wanted to your partner for the rest of his life? Why did he wait so long? Why, now has he decided to reach out and try to parent? So understandably you feel betrayed and hurt. Rightfully so. How will you ever trust him completely?
*He's yet to contact his child's mother to get back into his child's life because he needs "time" so I need help on what to do before all this kicks in please.
IMO, stop keeping this a secret. For your own sanity talk to someone. Everyone will find out sooner or later. What good will waiting any longer do. Why does he need more time?

Jodi - posted on 01/16/2016

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In addition to what Michelle said.....

He has a 5 year old and has never been in his life, and now you are pushing him to get back into the child's life. Good luck with a good relationship with the child's mother. I'd be really, really PISSED if the father of my child suddenly showed up after being a deadbeat for 5 years and demanded rights. It's going to be very, very difficult for him to demonstrate he actually wants to have a relationship with the child. What has this mother told the child all this time about the child's father? Does your husband know that? What are your husband's reasons for not being in the child's life up until now? This is not going to be something that can just happen without a lot of preparation for the child. I'd actually be super wary about those things.

Michelle - posted on 01/16/2016

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How could he not tell you?
I would be very wary about what else he hasn't told you! I also don't believe that this should be a secret from the rest of the family.
You have some serious thinking to do.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/18/2016

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First, of course having a relationship with his child means a co-parenting relationship with the child's mother. That's a given.

However, if he's saying that he needs "time" to figure out if he's even going to be involved with this kid (who is...what, around 4 or 5?), it would be a HUGE red flag to me. He wasn't honest to begin with, he needs "time" to figure out if he is going to push his parental rights...um, doesn't sound like a very stellar, step up individual...

So, whatever you decide, make sure that you are prepared in case he again steps out, needing "time". Don't make excuses for him, either. My husband had a kid very young (he was 18, she was 17). The marriage didn't work, she was a HUGE bitch, but he still made sure that was one of the FIRST things he told me when we got together, rather than dating and marrying me without revealing that very important piece of info. There's absolutely no reason that he could not have been up front with you from the get go.

Therese - posted on 01/18/2016

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I appreciate your advice, Sarah I really do. I believe I'll heal with time for I do plan on staying married to him in hopes that this was his only secret and there won't be anymore in the future. Again I don't know why he kept this a secret from me. His only respond was that he did not want to hurt me and he didn't know how to tell me but I'll leave all that behind me and move forward like you said. Again, thank you so much! Xoxo

Sarah - posted on 01/18/2016

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Therese, I was thinking about your post today. We all can beat on you hubby for withholding such a huge piece of information but it would become like beating a dead horse. You cannot change what has been done, right? So now you have to decide how you move forward. I presume you plan to stay married to him, so then the task becomes working on forgiving him and rebuilding trust. Probably the best and only advice I can think of is for you to go see someone. A counselor or therapist can help you build tools so you don't stay "stuck" in this mess of emotions.
It is going to be hard and probably take a long time, but if you want to stay with him you have to forgive him and not hold it against him or the child.
You also have to grieve as well. It is a loss, that all your time with you hubby talking about having kids or your future together as a family is clouded by this massive secret. It's very sad. At some point you are going to need to know why he did this.
What motivated him to keep this secret?

Therese - posted on 01/17/2016

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I know, Sarah. I know! I honestly don't understand why he hid this from me and like you said that's the most hurtful part but the truth is I have to deal with this. We met shortly after he left his child's life which would've been the perfect time to tell me but I guess he thought I wouldn't stay? Idk! I honestly just stopped asking about the whole mess because I cry every time I begin to talk about it but I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself because I know eventually this little boy will be back in his life and so will be his mother so I need to figure out my role as a stepmother and how to deal with the kid and his mother.

Also, I feel like it's not my place to tell his parents and I don't even know how to begin to tell MY parents because I know it's going to be easier for me to forgive him than they will.

Therese - posted on 01/17/2016

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My husband unfortunately had a child with a woman that had very different religious beliefs from his and for that reason her parents never really liked him and didn't even want him around their daughter so that drove him away from not only her but their child as well. Being only 19 at the time he's made a huge mistake by turning his back on his son but he's now willing to correct them. Trust me, I'm pissed about the whole situation myself but my question here was about MY worries and what I need to do to in order to forgive him and move forward.

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