my husband is a drinker

Angela - posted on 07/07/2009 ( 74 moms have responded )

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i have been with my husband for almost 20 years. we have two boys 17 years old and a 12 year old. he has always been a drinker but the last 10 years have not been good he hangs out at a bar in our home town every night after work, for two to three hours. and than when he comes home he bring home a six pack. i make dinner every night the boys and I eat and a lot of night he dosent eat .he says he dosent have a drinking problem . but i fill he does, i am not happy anymore.he hangs at the bar or drinks at home and the boys and I do everything by our self i have been thinking about leaving him . but i just keep thinking about our boys what should I do?can anyone help me?

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Brenda - posted on 07/08/2009

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Hi Angela. I completely empathize with what your going through. I have been married 22 years to my husband who has struggled with alcohol and drugs. Been through the whole denial thing, resistance to counseling at first, etc.. but through patience and endurance that only God could give, WE ARE RECOVERING. I think one of the hardest things is to see your kids suffer through this as my children have as well and we try so hard to protect them, yet it is SO IMPORTANT TO THEM to have the stability of their parents still married. I believe very strongly in taking marraige vows seriously for better or for worse, for richer or poorer.
If he was injured, you would still be committed to him, well he is injured in a different sense- in a path of self-destruction. It is very hard to try to see the bigger picture when you go through so much heartache, and I know how you feel when you don't know where to turn. Good, sound counseling is essential for your well being and equipping you to be able to help your husband. Many people are going to cry divorce-" you dont deserve this", but God hates divorce and shows us the way to reconciliation. There are so many good resources to help you through this, one for your children to deal with their anger is by Lou Priolo, The Heart of Anger. You have to start somewhere with dealing with all the damaged emotions that go along with life and learning to communicate properly is so important in preventing hurt and repairing relationships. (Trust me, I have seven children and have been given lots of practice at this. Its really hard work and very time consuming, but the rewards are out if this world.) Be encouraged and remember to think on the things you CAN be thankful for!

[deleted account]

I have three children and was faced with the same situation when my children were 1, 3 and 5 and I had been married 8 years. There was alcohol and drug through most of it. There was some mild abuse as well. I spoke to my children about it and we all decided it was better if we lived apart. That was 8 years ago. The divorce was awful but worth it. I have remarried a non drinker and the divorce eventually caused their dad to have to sober up to see them. We all agree, including him that divorce was the best thing for all of us. Please get support and some kind of therapy for your boys and take care of yourself.

Amy - posted on 07/18/2009

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So many people love an alcoholic or addict. I have 3 girls under the age of 7, and struggle with leaving my husband or not. I love AlAnon it is so helpful. Everyone around you will tell you to leave, but when you go to ALAnon they will listen, tell you their stories and give you support without telling you what you should do. I feel like I would be a better mother for my girls without being on my husbands rollar coaster ride, but they love their dad and it is a huge change to make for everybody. The hard part is to stop giving empty threats and be ready to make the choice when you tell him. Believe in a higher power and do something for yourself everyday that maked you happy.

[deleted account]

I just buried my ex- husband of ten years this week, so this is very fresh to me. He died of alcohol and drug related car accident. I had to relive a lot of pain and guilt. I stayed in the marriage for many years being an enabler and putting up with a lot of abuse. My kids had to go through it also. After the divorce he got worse with his drinking and drug abuse and ended up abandoning the children. I have lived with the pain of watching my children suffer and deal with their pain much in the same way he dealt with his; drugs and alcohol. His death has opened up a lot of doors of communication and healing, but it will be a process. If I had it to do over again, I believe I would say that if I had faced his problems early on instead of covering them up, and if I would have not allowed myself and kids to live in that environment, things could have turned out much different. Also, my kids wouldn't have grown-up in that lifestyle.

Melanie - posted on 07/17/2009

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Angela-I have never been in your position, but I do have an alcoholic dad. My parents are still together after 35 years. Sometimes though when I look back I wish my mom would have left him especially for her sake. They are empty nesters now and still don't have a lot to do with each other. I always wondered if she would have even left him for a little while if it would have opened his eyes, but then I think it might not of. I feel for your sons because I know exactly how they feel. My prayers are with you and them.

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Dataram - posted on 04/25/2013

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hi,
i am d. meenakshi madam indialinked in (the www.d.meenakshi madam .com)and i am shour that my husband and my any rilative's don't take drink's and other's thing's.we are a happy familier living .because i am d.meenakshi madam so it is also my duty to stop the raw wine/wine seller's and drinker's also because it give's us very bad risult's .so it is also the govt's strict order to stop it and give them suport,love and care by education,job's any hoby classes +cumputer course.it will give them lot's of good friend's ,happynes,solve their money problem's,give suport to their families and alot.the world's govt. is giving you lot's of suport by their dipartment's work.so stop to take more wine if the people's want to be happyness.
thankyou.
d.meenakshi madam.

Olivia - posted on 07/20/2009

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i was married and my husband was a binge drinker, he would disappear for 2-3 days or wouldn't come home toll 4 am, i had a infant and a job. etc...

i was loosing my mind, literally! i eventually, when i got the nerve, to give him a chance to choose family life or his life...sadly he chose drinking/his life. but my son and i are better to not live in that enviroment. sad but true. good luck. do what is best 4 u and the kids.

Heather - posted on 07/18/2009

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Have you tried to talk to the boys about how they feel about it sometime it helps for their input. I know what you are going thru I have been married almost 15 years and we have had problems with it but it is getting better

Sean - posted on 07/17/2009

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have you tried an intervention? you cant keep someone in your life who is self destructive because as you know (your living it) the self destructive person ruins your entire family unit.
I would give him an ultimatum, either he quits drinking all together with your support of course or you leave with your boys. Staying together for the kids is the worst mistake that people in this situation make. your boys will understand that their father choose alcohol over them and they will not resent you. you have to do what is best for you and your children. do you think that is staying and putting up with the same garbage or do the 3 of you deserve more?

[deleted account]

Angela,
My husband was behaving exactly the same way. I have only two things to say to you:
1. Attend and Al Anon meeting. (I cannot stress this enough - whether you choose to stay or go they will give you the strength you need).
2. Staying with him is a bad choice. Leaving him is a bad choice. Only you can answer which of those is the lesser of two evils.
My heart goes out to you. Best of luck and I hope you and your boys find peace.

Delores - posted on 07/16/2009

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I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have an alcoholic father or husband. I will pray for you to make the correct decision--one that will be best for all of you.

Cathy - posted on 07/16/2009

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First of all, I have been through this very similar situation and there are no right answers anyone person can tell you, you must do what you feel is best for you and your children. Ask yourself this question first is your husband demonstrating a male role model that you want for your boys: good provider, good spouse, good father. Second you sound like you really could use a place to help you cope, make decisions, and just simply vent I would very much suggest counseling sessins with a therapist to help guide you through the decision making process and help YOU search for the right answers that fit your life. If a therapist doesn't work for you there is always alanon. check your local phone book for resources or ask at one of the kids schools, MD office. Just find a safe place to work through this.

Kimmie - posted on 07/16/2009

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I am so sorry. I agree with everyone that says there is no right answer. First things first, you need counseling. You cannot control anyone, you can only control how you react. If he is not ready, there is nothing you can do. Counseling will help you decide what is best for you and your children.

I almost left my husband because he became a "functioning" alcoholic. He did not believe he had a problem, either. I promised myself years ago that I would not tolerate an alcoholic in my life ever again!

I went to counseling, he came with me sometimes. It took a lot of counseling and tough love. Bottom line, I did what I felt was right for me.

You have to do what you feel is right for you and your children.

Side note, staying for the children isn't necessarily good for anyone, including the children. They see what you see. Just speaking from experience.

Jessica - posted on 07/16/2009

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I know how you feel but no one can tell you what to do. I think you will know when the time is right. Just try to listen to that little voice of reason and maybe the answer will show up. My husband drinks everyday. He comes home from work and instead of coming to say hello to us he cracks a beer! It's very frustrating but I've tried everything to get him to stop except leaving and nothing has worked! Sometimes I get so frustrated that It's like I hate him and I can't stand this thing he has become!

Ruth - posted on 07/16/2009

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Hello Angela.
Good on you for being brave - for sticking with it, for talking to your son,
and searching for answers. I to have been there - as a daughter - then as a wife.

Are looking for new ways to get through to your man?
I have recently found a little gem that has helped me get good results.
It's called "Why Men Love Bitches" - and Sherry Argov's delivers with grace and wit.

Most of all it helped me rediscover something I had forgotten - Dignity and Respect.

Nicole - posted on 07/16/2009

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Angela you have my empathy and support. It is very limiting having to live with someone who is sick. You are not just living with the person but also their disease. Be aware that you probably suffer depression due to the situation and need to care for yourself and your children first and foremost. Whatever you decide remember you need to be proactive about your situation as it won't go away on it's own. Like all these women I have many stories of my own and know countless others. We know it's not healthy you know its not healthy the trick is deciding which solutions are right for you. I can tell you that the salvation army have the most successful programs available and there is much they can do to help you and your children also and you don't necessarily have to believe in God or subscribe to their doctrine to receive their help. Your family need to break this cycle now as the situation you are in can resonate down your family line effecting future generations. best of luck feel free to contact me if you need more information as I have a women's resource folder at home with details of the many organisations available who help mothers who are struggling .My heart goes out to you.

[deleted account]

Angela you should get yourself to an AL-ANON group, this will be enormously helpful and a great support system, from what you describe your husband is definately an alcoholic. By going to these meetings you will begin to understand more about the disease of alcoholism and you will be empowered to do whats best for yourself and your children.

Sallly - posted on 07/15/2009

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Before you make any major changes find an Al-Anon group and get some support so you aren't doing it all yourself. If you stilll have doubt, he is an alcoholic, very obvious

Nancy - posted on 07/15/2009

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So many things to consider. I left my husband after 4 kids and 27 years of marriage. He drank, ran around and did drugs. Plus he ignored me and the kids. It is not an easy decision either way, I promise you that. But don't be 'afraid' to leave. You really aren't doing your boys any favors by staying with their dad. Do you have a career? I think leaving them is easier when the kids are older rather then younger. But you have to decide when or if it is time to leave. Only you can answer that question. My heart goes out to you. Don't listen to women who callously say, "leave the bum", it's not all that easy.

CaroleAnn - posted on 07/15/2009

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Angela, it is good that you are reaching out to other people for help. As you can see from the posts you have received, you are not alone. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. There have been many helpful suggestions and I would encourage you to continue to seek advice, go to an Alanon meeting. You are your children's advocate and sometimes tough decisions have to be made for the sake of their well-being. If I could offer one more piece of advice, I am a licensed mortgage agent and I know that there are options available if you are having trouble making your mortgage payments. Your bank should be willing to work with you if you are honest about your situation. Also, if your mortgage had mortgage insurance, the insurer has programs in place to help you, but you have to let them know you need help.
I really hope your situation turns around for the better.

Shenia - posted on 07/15/2009

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I was married to an someone addicted to alcohol and drugs and I stayed with him for 17 years. He went through rehab, counseling, AA. He went to jail, tried to commit suicide because I was leaving and nothing changed. Things just continued to get worse. I finally left and I have one child that is severely handicapped and did not want her to be around it any longer. I made the best decision. It is hard and painful but it sounds as if your children are old enough to understand what is going on and things need to change. I wish you luck.

Joanne - posted on 07/15/2009

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I just wanted to let you know that if you make the choice to stay because you love him and you want the marriage to work for your whole family's sake, you will have to be committed to that decision. I HIGHLY recommend the book by Debi Pearl called Created to be His Help Meet.....I am currently reading it and it has a lot of encouraging stories of marriages that have completely changed by just doing some things differently. If gives you a different perspective on life and your husband. With God all things are possible....It is possible for you to have your family made whole and healed of all past hurts. Please read it with an open mind...what do you have to lose??

Becky - posted on 07/15/2009

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You sound just like me. We have been married for 15yrs with 3 kids; 14 yr old son, 12 yr old daughter & 6 yr old son. The only differance is that he always drinks at home. The kids and I are always walking on eggshells. He tends to take his anger out on me & my oldest. I always told myself to hang in there, be there for him and the kids no matter what. But I need to be there for me too. Im no good to my kids or myself or him if I'm not taking care of me too. So finally I got off my butt and decided I have to leave him. He is never going to change. He makes very little to no effort to get help. He's just in plain denial. No one in the household is happy because of his drinking. Then one day his drinking went to far. He got drunk and drove. Got caught and went to jail. I refused his collect calls, didn't reply to his letters and moved out. I finally went to jail to visit him and told him, that I the kids and moved and he is no longer welcomed to live with us unitl he could absolutly clean for good. What made it easy for me was Prayer, my family and my kids telling me that they have been praying for a long time that we would move away from daddy. I never knew how bad the kids were affected. I can honestly say we are happy. He is now out of jail and seeking help. We still have a long road ahead of us.

Michelle - posted on 07/15/2009

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Angela, I have read your post and the other replies and athough I am in a positive relationship, my parents marriage was abusive in many ways. So I suppose I am speaking to you from the childs point of view, as I feel you know in your heart of hearts that this relationship is not good for you and that if it was just you to think about it you would nt even be asking the question.My father was a heavy drinker and remember many of times having accidents in the car with my father at the wheel with a can of lager between his legs and the abuse he gave my mum physically as well as emotionally and psychologically. As kids we lived on egg shells, not knowing what mood he was going to be in. I remember thinking as a young child why is mum staying with him? My mum felt she was doing the right thing by us staying, as she got married for keeps. But in the long run and as I grew up I resented my mum for sacrificing her life for someone who sadly although probably loved us in his own way was not ever going to change. My life has not been easy and my relationship with my mum was estranged for a while due to the built up resentment I felt towards her. I know mum thought she was doing the right thing but believe me when I say that as a child living with an alcholic father and a mum that was permantly trying to keep the peace I wish she had left him when I was alot younger than 15. If your husband is not willing to accept he needs help (which he obviously does) then no amount of telling or AA meetings are going to help. By putting your needs first in regards to this marriage you will be doing what mums do best and making the right decision for your childrens future. I have great respect for my mum and am proud that she is my mum, but will always have a sense of sadness that she felt the need to stay in a relationship that sacrificed herself for me and my sister. Sometimes the hardest thing you have to do in life works out to be the best. Good Luck Angela and I wish you all the best.

Lisa - posted on 07/15/2009

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i had the same with my husband, i think the best thing to do is suport him and tell him you love him. he has an insecurity issue. whether from childhood or maybe he has worked in a very stressful situation. some people can cope with what they have seen or done in their past lives, others cannot. therefore they become addicted to something, whether its sex. drugs, gambling or alcohol. he doesnt want to upset you by burdening you with the details of what he is struggling to copewith so he hangs out wherever he can to be "alone" with his thoughts, the more he drinks, however the more depressed and the bigger the problem is to him. the best thing i think is to gather the kids together and before he leaves for work or on his day off, just all say we love you. i know its hard for you as you feel like you have three kids to cope with, him being the big one. but its obvious you love him, so if you leave it will destroy him further. you being anxious and edgy and possibly showing him you are frightened, makes him even more scared, and so he feels he cant talk to you without you assuming that he doesnt love you. you can also talk to AA yourself just to get some release andd take your frustration out on them. he will go with you when hes ready. just support him like you would if your son was in trouble. xxxxx good luck and i hope i have helped xxxx

Cynthia - posted on 07/15/2009

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Hello, I've been down this road myself. Your husband won't change because if I'm correct he doesn't have a problem, but you do. I left my husband about 2 years ago, it's not easy, but if you have help to move out and take the children, you will be alot happier. I'm telling you this only from experience. Your not alone in how you feel. Think about it long and hard, because this doesn't just affect you. I'm a good listener and any questions you may have please don't hesitate to ask. It took me many years to get to where I am today. My regret is I didn't leave sooner. I don't know if this will help you but hang in there. Hope to hear from you soon and see how you are doing. Please becareful that he does'nt see what your writing or reading from others because it could put you and the kids in danger. Hang in there and becareful. Good luck. I'm new at this computer stuff.lol so my name doesn't seem to be where it should be. I am Cynthia, Bye for now

[deleted account]

I was in the same situation you are in. I was with my exhusband for ten years. We divorce almost two years ago. My children are now ten and seven. It has been hard, but it's so much better for them because they aren't around it all of the time. When I was with my husband, for a long time he tried to say he didn't have a problem. As long as he doesn't think he does he won't get help. Even if he does admitt it he has to want to get help. I went to Alanon classes. It's an AA class for spouses, children, or family members of an addict. It really helps. You can find online classes also. My ex just got out of rehab in March. He was there for three months. He still hasn't changed. He has been in three wrecks. One he was in a coma for a month and they told me they thought he was going to be brain dead. One I was in the car and he flipped it three times. We were lucky. The next, my son was in the car. Any of those times we could have been killed and that wasn't a chance I was willing to take anymore. You just have to really sit back and decide what you are willing to put up with and if it's worth it. Do you enjoy life the way it is or do you think ya'll could be happier? My ex was the love of my life and I didn't think I could ever love someone the way I loved him.

Kelly - posted on 07/15/2009

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I too am married to someone who is a functioning alchoholic. He quit 2 yrs ago after the birth of our son and is doing really well. He would drink 18+ beers in a night and think nothing of it, and he had such a temper when he was drunk. We fought alot and I honestly thought I was at a point that I wasn't going to take it anymore. He started sobering up and we decided before we get any older we would try and have a baby...I thought the drinking was no longer an issue. While I was pregnant he started right back up again and worse in my mind. He kept denying he had problems quiting and I told him he wouldn't be a part of this life if it didn't change. Once our son was born, he had to have surgery and was told he couldn"t drink for 6 weeks before the surgery. He semed to do ok and after his procedure he never went back to it. I couln't be happier. He is doing great and loving life! Although he still says he knew he could stop when ever he wanted but that he wasn't ready to quit before...I don't believe that and still think he should be attending AA meetings, but it has been 2 yrs and no drinking.

Cheri - posted on 07/15/2009

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I know what how you are feeling. I have been through (and to some extent still going through) the same thing. I finally found an Alanon group to help myself and it was amazing. It changed eveything for me. I found the support I was looking for and the strength to do what I needed to for myself and my children. there is no easy answer but I do suggest getting yourself some help/support even if he won't. Your 17 year old may find it helpful as well. Good luck!

Karin - posted on 07/14/2009

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I don't know if you can do anything if your husband won't admit that he has a problem. Does he have any male friends who don't drink that he respects? Maybe you could ask them to talk to him about it. If he hears it from someone from outside your family maybe he would take it more seriously. In the mean time I would make sure that your children have someone to talk to about this--maybe a counselor or other trusted adult. They may not want to talk to you about it because they may not want to hurt your feelings. Maybe you could separate without divorcing right away. It just may be the wake up call your husband needs to see that he has a problem. I'll be praying for you.

Laura - posted on 07/14/2009

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My father was a drunk for 24 years of my life, and still till this day I hate him for it....

It took me many years to be able to understand that what he was going through is actually a disease and not an excuse.... and through time/and re-hab he over came his illness/addiction.. and has been sober now for 7 years.... Congrats to him!!



and as for me, I'm still waiting for the day he apologizes for ruining the family that we had, and hurting me ....



I can only say that your children now are old enough to understand what's happening... and for the sake of them, you, and your husband.. I can only hope/pray that they never feel the same way about their father that I do about mine!

and maybe in due time I'll be able to get past this, and I'm sure I'll never be able to forget how he once was, and in time maybe I'll be able to forgive!



as for you, if you feel there's a problem then most likely there is... its sloving the problem that's the next solution....



sometime's U can't fix the damage that's already been done, sometimes its to late, and that's something only U and your family can determine!



I wish you luck...



and hope you and your children remain healthy and safe in this trying time!

Liana - posted on 07/14/2009

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i sorta no what yur goin thru. u have 2 look deep inside yurself an c how happy or sad u r. then decide if this is wha u want 4 the rest of yur life.think about how happy yur kids r an they do deserve better

Melanie - posted on 07/14/2009

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I would talk to both your boys about it. Give them the options, we can stay here or we can leave. Be realistic and truthful - both options will result in sacrifices. Get help for yourself and the boys - whatever your decision.



Remember a seperation does not automatically mean divorce - he may get a bit of a shock and get help and regain your trust or you may simply decide not to divorce him but remain permenantly seperated.



These are your decisions to make and from the posts a lot of women have made a lot of different choices. While we may not always agree with the choice, it has been their's to make and we should respect that. We are, after all doing the same thing, trying to do the best by ourselves and our children.



I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness.

Randy - posted on 07/14/2009

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Quoting Angela:

my husband is a drinker

i have been with my husband for almost 20 years. we have two boys 17 years old and a 12 year old. he has always been a drinker but the last 10 years have not been good he hangs out at a bar in our home town every night after work, for two to three hours. and than when he comes home he bring home a six pack. i make dinner every night the boys and I eat and a lot of night he dosent eat .he says he dosent have a drinking problem . but i fill he does, i am not happy anymore.he hangs at the bar or drinks at home and the boys and I do everything by our self i have been thinking about leaving him . but i just keep thinking about our boys what should I do?can anyone help me?



Hi Angela.  My heart goes out too you.  I know exactly what you are saying.  My father was an alcoholic as well.  It sounds like your husband it too. I am recovering alkie too myself for 17 years. I was a binge drinker ,only on weekend and I still am alcoholic.  I think it worse for the children too see you living like this. Especially if they see you fight, or your husband drunk every day. You upset. Crying...sad....I wished my mom had left my dad many years ago but then he finally did get into ALCOHOLICS ANNOYMOUS. My mother told him he either goes or she'd leave and he did. He was sober 31 years then died. No one can tell you what too do Angela but I do think you already know what the answer is. Would you have wanted too live with a drucken father when you a child.  Talk too your children. Ask them what they feel ?  There is Alanon for you also too talk too others about this very problem and Alateen for the kids so it will help them also. Just suggestions.  I hope you can find your way too happiness soon and peace in your heart...for you and your children..Peace be with you.  All the best...Randy

Sharon - posted on 07/14/2009

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Quoting Brenda:

Hi Angela. I completely empathize with what your going through. I have been married 22 years to my husband who has struggled with alcohol and drugs. Been through the whole denial thing, resistance to counseling at first, etc.. but through patience and endurance that only God could give, WE ARE RECOVERING. I think one of the hardest things is to see your kids suffer through this as my children have as well and we try so hard to protect them, yet it is SO IMPORTANT TO THEM to have the stability of their parents still married. I believe very strongly in taking marraige vows seriously for better or for worse, for richer or poorer.
If he was injured, you would still be committed to him, well he is injured in a different sense- in a path of self-destruction. It is very hard to try to see the bigger picture when you go through so much heartache, and I know how you feel when you don't know where to turn. Good, sound counseling is essential for your well being and equipping you to be able to help your husband. Many people are going to cry divorce-" you dont deserve this", but God hates divorce and shows us the way to reconciliation. There are so many good resources to help you through this, one for your children to deal with their anger is by Lou Priolo, The Heart of Anger. You have to start somewhere with dealing with all the damaged emotions that go along with life and learning to communicate properly is so important in preventing hurt and repairing relationships. (Trust me, I have seven children and have been given lots of practice at this. Its really hard work and very time consuming, but the rewards are out if this world.) Be encouraged and remember to think on the things you CAN be thankful for!


Hi Brenda!  Congratulations to you and your family.



I too, take my marriage vows very seriously.  But a man who denies he is an alcoholic cannot get help, cannot help heal his family, cannot be a good man.



There is no reason why she/we should continue to soldier through an alcoholics neglect and destruction.  It is NOT self destruction.  It is destruction of the family.  Its already happening with being layed off for 7 months, there goes the financial destruction.  THAT will affect his family.  His neglect is already making an impact.  His disgusting habit of being passed out drunk in his urine is destroying his kids morale.  How can they be positive and strive to be all they can be when the major male role model in their life is a sniveling idiot?



I'm sorry.  But after a time its the children who come first and not the institution of marriage.  I love my husband, I want to be with him forever, for all of his good qualities.  But if he starts drinking again - I'll toss him out on his rear in order to protect my children.



I am NOT advocating divorce.  But maybe if she left him with the admonition to get "get better" and not just dry out either, better mentally as well, he'll see all that he is losing and get the help he needs.

Lelia - posted on 07/14/2009

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Angela;
There is nothing more miserable than being around an alcoholic. Have you contacted AAA? I would get your ducks in a row now. Start lining up a job, saving money, learning new skills, etc. When you're ready you can either kick him out or leave him. I think the boys will be relieved. You deserve to live in a stable environment and so do the boys. Good luck!

Sandra - posted on 07/14/2009

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It took me 4 yrs to screw up the courage to leave. My daughter was 15 mths old when we left and we had already had the sober conversation about what memories he wanted her to have of him when he was gone. It didn't change a thing. I hurt. I was lonely. I had no friends. I had no life. And my daughter had fear on her face any time we fought. It was enough for me. Your boys are grown. They understand. Sit down with him sober. The three of you tell him how you feel. If he refuses to talk to someone, ANYONE, you need to leave. If you don't, you are the enabler. He's using you because he figures you'll always be there. My ex didn't change much, but Children's Services got involved and THEY told him he couldn't see his daughter if he was drinking. Now, she only gets to keep the good memories of a sober Dad. He's pretty good at seeing her each Saturday, but when he's got company around or it's celebration season...no visitation. But she and I are both calmer, happier and we all have a better relationship. Yes, try Al Anon. If not that, find a church. Find healing for you and your boys. Build your self-esteem. He and I were together 10 yrs and I completely lost myself. It took me about three to get back to 'me'.



Nobody is going to fault you for taking care of you and your boys. You have wants and needs, too. They don't include carrying the burden of someone who can't look after his dependency.



Talk to some people in the know first. Get their advice and support. I strongely suggest Al Anon. You are a child of God, born with a personality and a purpose. I'm doubtful that your purpose is to carry this drinker. Love him, but hate the habit. Tough love means showing him there are consequences to his behaviour. You know it.



May God guide you through this rough spot. It won't be easy. But doing the right thing seldom is. Al Anon for you and the boys. Facing him with your ultimatum. Give him a chance, but stand by your decision. But DO get support. It's very VERY hard to do this alone.



God bless.



Sandra

Frankie - posted on 07/14/2009

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I am sorry for waht you are going through. My ex-husband was a drinker and it was very very hard.. We finally seperated and divorced. He died last year and every day I miss him. He was the love of my life but he nevere really changed. I made the best move for me and my son when we separtated.

Patricia - posted on 07/14/2009

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I feel your pain. I was married to a functioning alcoholic. We were together almost 10 years before I had the courage to leave the situation. I lost my self-esteem in those ten years. I attended Al-Anon for a while and that helped put things into perspective for me. And I believe that God makes each of us unique and special. I could not have gotten through that dark time in my life without reminding myself that God had more in store for me than being married to a man with a drinking problem who didn't want to admit he did. It's been 16 years now and I can say that I've made it though. I spent time in counseling and got support from friends and family. I am married again and we have adopted two wonderful boys. I was scared to death to marry again, but once again I keep reminding myself God has special plans for me and that is what keeps me brave to try marriage again. I believe you have a special and unique purpose for your life also, I hope you have the courage to find it.

Lynette - posted on 07/13/2009

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Dear Angela,

I am so sorry to hear about your husband's drinking problem. I know a place that can help. Please visit this website for Reformers Unanimous International, the nation's fastest growing faith-based addictions program - http://www.reformu.com/. There is help/counselling for the spouse, for the family and for the one addicted. Try and look up the chapter nearest you. This program far surpasses AA - they just don't have all the "pieces to the puzzle" and can't get to the real root of the problem. A man I know personally (former alcoholic who went through AA and now works with alcoholics) told me this. I read on an earlier post that your husband will not accept help. Please be sure and click on the Quick Link at the left of the site, "Help for the Addict's family." There is alot of advice here on how you and your boys can "help" your husband get to the point where he realizes that he needs help. I don't know you, but I implore you to check out this website before you do anything else. The Reformers Unanimous program has the key to unlocking healing and restoration for all persons involved from every aspect. I'm praying for a miracle in your family!

Richelle - posted on 07/13/2009

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I think you should talk to your kids find out what they want, and its your responsibility to teach your children what is right and if you dont put your foot down with your husband your boys may grow up to believe its ok for them to act this way, I dont think you should just walk out on a 20 year relationship, I just think you should put your foot down, maybe have an intervention, tell him look either you stop what your doing or we're leaving, see what he says. No matter what he decides to do you and your boys need to sit down and discuss and decide what is best for you to do, that way if your husband decides he'd rather be alone you all have already decided you'll be fine without him or you'll stick by him a lil bit longer. Good luck and keep your head up you sound like a great woman, and should be treated as one.

Gifty - posted on 07/13/2009

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Hi Angela, am so sorry you and the kids have to go through this, i used to be in the same situation and there is not much u can do until he acepts he is a drinker. We'r not together anymore because it was affecting the kids, they'r happy now and don't even have any contact with him. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide, good luck and god bless.

Angela - posted on 07/13/2009

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you know your situation better than anyone giving you advice,think deeply if you are not happy your kids are no happy either, and think about the examples your kids are picking up from how they are taught relationships are suppose to be like. I say leave if he loves you he would change his ways if not he will move on and be someone else problems.

Patti - posted on 07/10/2009

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Please don't wait another minute, you need to find an ALNON meeting in your town. If you don't know of any ...try the internet ..you will be so surprised as to how many are around. When you go..you will find women in that room who are just like you...confused, hurt , angry and scared.

You will see you are not alone in this fight. I know what I am talking about from personal experience.

You will see how by looking clearly at the situation , how simple things can be.Not to say that life is easy, but the problem is not unsolveable.

I hope you can find a meeting quickly. It scary when you feel like everything and everyone (especially your boys ) depends on you.. Let me know how it turns out. I will be thinking about you

Dianna - posted on 07/10/2009

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my thoughts are with you Angela...Last September, i left my husband due to the same issue..we've only been married 7 yrs....we attended marriage counseling every week...the counselor required AA and al-anon meetings for us....it was so helpful...we got back together around Xmas and everything has been wonderful...he still has mis-haps here and there, but al-anon made me realize that slip-ups will happen and not to take his drinking personally...also he realized he had an issue after quite a few AA meetings...him being sober made me respect him again...now i realize it's not my fault and when he begins drinking habitually again, i have faith in him that he will get a handle on it again....without me arguing about it with him....good luck

Desiree - posted on 07/10/2009

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I know what the feeling is......my boyfriend aint a drinker but my dad does the same thing your husband does and it is hurting my family so now he is actually thinking of quitting because he has a new grandchild on the way

Sarah - posted on 07/10/2009

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Angela, I feel your pain! My husband belongs to a family of drinkers, his father was an alcoholic. We dated from age 16 and I came from a family of hardly any alcohol use at all. My Dad and Grandma would have an occasional beer but that was all. It took me along time to adjust and even after 37 years of marriage I have my moments!!!! My Children are disgusted with their Dad from time to time. My Daughter and Son-in-law have told me that they will not let my husband drive with my 7month old Grandson in the car. My husband like yours is a very good man other than the drinking issue. Please check for an AlAnon meeting near you! They do help. I don't go as much as I should but just reading their book and being able to vent with my children helps. Your Children are young yet, so I would suggest talking with your minister or finding a close friend or your Doctor to unload some with. Please don't try to think it will go away as your kids get older because it doesn't . Feel free to vent with me anytime!!!!!!!!

[deleted account]

Angela, I really feel for you. I agree with the other poster who suggested that you attend an Alanon Meeting. You can find lots of support and wisdom from others in your situation. Your boys would probably benefit from Alateen meetings also. Best of luck to you! You're not alone, as you'll see if you attend Alanon.

TinaMarie - posted on 07/10/2009

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I would have to agree with Donna, these groups are there for a good reason and have resources that we don't, please come back with updates if you're comfortable, we're all keeeping you in our thoughts and prayers. God Bless you and yours.

Peggy - posted on 07/09/2009

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As hard as it sounds, it's all up to him. Of course he has a drinking problem, it's affecting his life and yours. It's a tough disease and some spouses can get perspective and support through AA and stay in the relationship while others cannot. I could not. It was too crazy for me. After five years, five trips to rehab, and a divorce, my ex is now sober for a year and finally starting to realize what's important to him and really recover. I really don't think he would have if I had stayed with him--I was his favorite scapegoat. Take care of your boys and yourself. He'll have to find his own way.

Kelly - posted on 07/09/2009

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I am so sorry! You have to do what you feel is best for you and your sons. I was raised in a family where our parents 'stayed together for the kids' which was the worse thing they could have done. I grew up around misery, fighting, and parents who slept in separate beds for a long period of time. They finally got a divorce when I turned 34 y.o. and are both much happier now. I have a sister who is an addict and I work with addicts. If your husband says he does not have a drinking problem then he is no where near seeking help unfortunately. You have a tough decision to make but find strength in your children and do what is best for you and them. Hold you head up high!

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