My husband is a great father but doesn't seem to care about me.

Earroyo1980 - posted on 01/05/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hi Ladies, i need some advice. My husband and I just got married in October. We've been having issues since before we married but I was hoping we could work through it because it has been a stressful year for us. First off I want to say he is a great father. When it comes to us it seems we only have a great intimate relationship.
I'm a working mom with two preschool age boys full timetime and his preschool age boy part time. It's a busy home. In addition I work 86hrs every two weeks on a 24 hr rotation with mandatory overtime. I also run my home. My husband works the same but less overtime. I do all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the cooking (once in a while he does), all the shopping, manage all our finances and still I try to let him know how much I love him by making him feel special. I don't get the same in return and I've about had it.
This weekends events:
My husband made breakfast for him and the boys at the time I got home from work and never made anything for me. We went out this weekend and went to eat with the boys. While he was getting condiments I took one of the boys potty. I came back, our food was ready and while I handed out the ketchup and napkins I realized he only grabbed for the boys not me. I was hurt but got my stuff myself. I had explained to him that it is hurtful but it doesn't seem to matter. Then on our way home he stopped at McDonald's for coffee. The boys said they were hungry so I asked him to get them all cheeseburgers and an Ice water for me. He came back with everything except my water and when I asked he shrugged his shoulders and began driving off. I had nothing to drink for my 3hr ride home. At this point I had a long time to think about how he would feel if I did nothing for him. I didn't argue I just stopped talking to him. I came home did all the laundry except his. I did not unpack his toiletries and i won't even look at him. He hasn't noticed anything other than I'm not talking to him. He knows why but he wants to stand his ground. Will he notice if I do nothing for him? He tried to hug me but I refused to let him touch me. This is how he fixes things. He makes love to me because he knows that I'll take any attention from him then I go back to doing everything for him. Not this time. Am I wrong? I've talked to him several times about how he should help in the house not just with the kids. I tell him he should be appreciative and show me he cares about me and not sex. I love him so much and wish i didn't need help around the house but I do. I work so much and still have kids to care for. We need my income, i bring home more. I don't know what to do but it's hurting me to neglect him and ignore him. Any advise would help.

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Michelle - posted on 01/06/2014

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Just remember that people will only change if they really want to. If he doesn't want to then he won't. It will be okay for a while but he will always go back to the way he is.
You have to decide if this is the way you want to live for the rest of your life or not.
Yes I understand your children are happy but if you're not then they won't be in the long run. You have to think about your happiness, not just your children's.
My ex husband was the same. He never changed, n matter how many "talks" we had. That's just the way he was and it was one of the deciding factors in me leaving him. My happiness was more important because if I was happy then my children were happy.
I have since met the most wonderful man who does the dishes, his and the kids (all 3) laundry and also cooks when I work late. He always thinks of me and what I would like first. There are men that still treat their women like princesses and it's the most wonderful feeling.
I know that I had to have my relationship with my ex to appreciate my current husband for all he is. We never argue and fall more in love every day. He tells me many times a day that he loves me.

Michelle - posted on 01/06/2014

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I'm really surprised you even married him if you were having these problems beforehand.
I know you have talked to him several times but you didn't say what his answer has been. Like Gena said, try couples counseling if he's willing to go.
I would be doing exactly what you are though, see how long until he notices that you haven't done his laundry. If or when he notices then just inform him that since he doesn't like to do things for you then you won't be doing things for him. Even when you serve up a meal, just serve yourself and the children but not him. Hopefully he'll soon get the message.
If not then you need to leave because he won't change.

Gena - posted on 01/06/2014

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Maybe tell him to sit down and have a talk..ask him why he doesnt help you and if he knows how it makes you feel. It sounds to me that you both love eatch other but he needs to help more. I hope that if you speek to him and tell him how you honostly feel he will help more. Give it a try.. if it doesnt help,ask him if he is willing to go to a couples therapist.Good luck

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Earroyo1980 - posted on 01/06/2014

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Honestly Michelle, I thought about calling off the wedding but he always says he's going to help and he is trying the best he can. Most important to me, he is the only other man my boys ever met and they love him as he loves them. Their father is a disaster and my boys are so happy having a daddy. I know my husband loves me and he has never raised his voice to me or disrespected me but he can be so selfish it's hurtful. I hope this works and I will schedule an appointment with a counselor. He'll go if I ask. Thanks.

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