My husband is married to his job

LaShawn - posted on 10/21/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My husband and I both are in our thirtys. We've been married for 13 years. We had a small lawn care business together at one time this summer where we spent all our time together. Now he's at work doing painting contract. I am trying to be understanding that because Fall and Winter Seasons hit, he needs a job. The problem is, I'm emotionally stressed out. We never see my husband anymore, me nor his kids. He works from 5p.m-3a.m in the morning. He leaves out at 3:30 p.m. every morning to see if he can beat the traffic and get to work on time. He never hardly has breaks, and when he does, he rarely calls me. I feel so neglected as his wife, lover, and friend. I don't know what to do anymore. It's been two weeks since he's started this job, and things haven't gotten any better. I'm depressed all the time, I'm starting to feel like a single parent. I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell him to quit, he only gets one day off, Sunday. I'm misserable inside. I feel like I'm loosing the love of my life slowly. It's only a matter of time where he may get tired of me and leave. I don't know. Any suggestions?

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Debi - posted on 10/14/2012

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I stumbled onto the Circle of Mom's by accident, I had googled husbands that are married to their work. My husband is a railroad engineer his schedule is he does not have one, he is on the "extra board" and is given a 2 hour window as a call to go to work. Than they repost the bids jobs and its called he who has the most seniority gets the in town jobs, he who does not gets sent out of town for over night trips. He has been on a turn that is about an hour and half from our home, he has to spend the night there and because the FRA rules state he must have 12 hours rest, they can't call him to come home before 12 hours are up. So the usual trip is he works 12 hours down, 12 hours in the motel waiting to be called, which many times ends up being like 20 to 24 hours before he is called to bring a train home and than an additional 12 hours on the train. The railroad he works for gets every hour out of them the law allows which is 12. So when he is on this turn his time away from home is anywhere from 36 hours minimum but many times its more like 40-50 hours away from home.



So I am the parent at home that get everything dumped on, pay the bills, go to school conferences, settle kids arguments, in essence I am a single mom 24/7. I can't call him and talk to him if I want to, cell phones have been banned on all railroads (which they should be you shouldn't be on a cell phone when you are running a train), so all but 12 hours or so of these out of town trips he is available by phone. I am tired of it, I can't take anymore, I have expressed to him he needs to change what he is doing. I am grateful he has a decent paying job with our economic turn down, I probably shouldn't complain but I am at my wits end. The divorce rate among railroad workers is like 80 percent. I really don't want a divorce but I want a life too, I am tired of my life running around his schedule, I am tired of the weird hours and the absences from home. My anxiety levels are off the charts today is the day my nerves broke down. He is supposed to start a "new" job on Monday but he is in motel an hour and half away they were supposed to cab him home but it didn't happen



I told him to cab home or I would leave, I told him I warned him I had enough of him being gone and leaving for hours on end. I told him if I had to raise our children alone, I might as well be alone and not put up with his coming and goings. He isn't involved in the kids lives, when he is home he is in bed sleeping waiting for the phone to ring again and leave. I told him I would drive down and get him, he refused I told him that if he stayed away tonight and didn't make the railroad cab him home or let me come get him I was done. I have put up with this no schedule for almost 20 years, we have been married almost 30 years, we have nine children and four are still at home under the age of 18. He has worked for this company for over 15 years and still can't hold a regular job. I have cried my last tears, if I have to leave for him to understand I won't allow myself to be put in this situation any more than I am leaving. He does not believe me. He thinks he can just smooth it over, it won't work this time, I am too upset and I can't calm down. I love him but I can't live with this any more.



Time and time and time again he misses birthdays, he misses Thanksgiving, He misses Christmas, He misses school plays, He misses our daughter's choir performances, she frequently has solo parts. I have told him he has no relationship with his children because he is gone all the time, I can't make him value what he does not value. He was going to take my birthday off this past year but "messed" up on getting it off so he was called to work. I spent my birthday, every anniversary alone. So why am I married? He blames me for bills not being paid, for everything in his life he sees as a problem its my fault. He refuses to be involved in our finances, but kicks me over how I pay the bills. If he were involved in them, he would have to accept responsibility but he uses his job as an excuse not to participate, its his excuse for everything.



He has pushed me too far this time, I warned him my nerves were shot and he has ignored me and today was the day the damn broke and I needed him home, I told him to come home because I couldn't handle everything any more, he told me he would be home tomorrow and I told him that wasn't good enough, that he needed to come home now. If he isn't here when I tell him I need him than when I am forced to face every single situation if I am upset or not I am still alone dealing with everything in life while he sits in a hotel room, he can watch tv or sleep, whats not for him to like? He has nothing he is responsible for, I told him it would be nice for me to run away and crap on our kids like he does.

Pamela - posted on 12/23/2011

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No offense but it all sounds like excuses. He isn't doing it all for you - sorry to burst that bubble but changes are if it's a big issue he's already picked up on the fact your not happy about it.



I'm self employed so I can be at home with our kids. My husband agreed to take parental leave so I can heal after having our baby. Now he's doing everything possible to abandon me with a newborn and a full workload (11 hour days) just to get back to his precious job.



No, he's not doing it for you. If that were the case my husband wouldn't be abandoning me so soon when I NEED time to heal, to be healthy!!!!





ADD: We haven't had baby yet...he waited until my 2nd trimester to spring this crap on me. Trust me, it's not about you at all.

Christina - posted on 10/21/2011

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Online or Barnes and nobels is where I got mine. Maybe library...sorry I don't ever get to the library these days. Men are simple creatures and show their love in simple ways...like working hard to provide for their families...or mowing the yard. Woman are more emotional and NEED love, compassion and time...where I bet he's thinking he's doing this all for you!!! ;) I learned all that from the book ;)

LaShawn - posted on 10/21/2011

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Thanks Christina for the encouragement, I will try to find the book. Is it in library or just offered online?

Christina - posted on 10/21/2011

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Awww...this is so sad!! What i hear you mostly saying is that you love your husband dearly after 13 years and still want to spend time with him!! Thats so amazing!! I recently read this book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" I know I know that title sounds like some submissive wife trap lol -- I went into it thinking This is a woman author she should be more on our (womans) side. But as I kept reading somwhere between chapter 3-4 you get it...like a smack in the face -- OHHHH, ok so thats what shes saying! Its a very POWERFUL read and talks alot about why men do things & how we as woman should respect and cherish our men for the simple things in life (such as working alot & beign away from home, etc...) The author is Dr. Schlessinger. She can get a littl annoying too lol...I didnt care for her other books, but I really enjoyed this one. Most inportantly I would be honest with him & communicate with him (when hes there) how you feel! It is amazing that after all these years you still WANT to spend time with him...he will at least get that out of the conversation. Good Luck :)

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