Ashley - posted on 02/04/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )
I don't even know where to begin except that I truly just needed to get this off my chest in hopes to find other women who feel the same.
I have been dealing with HIM for years, that lazy man who thinks I am nothing but a nag. He has never been truly interested in our daughter in the 6 years she has been alive. Although I credit him - he comes home every day and works hard for us...for 8 hours a day. I work as a GM at a country club I work in the summer sometimes 12-15 hours a day...and then come home to a full load of responsibilites. He has never paid the bills - the one time he did we were just starting to live together and he blew all of our rent money so he had to sell his car. Wow just writing that makes me think RED FLAG. Of course I ignored it because I loved him. He has a great sense of humor and I think thats what I love most about him, that and he WAS so nice and loving...WAS!!! That WAS years ago,. Now trust me ladies I have talked with him about his laziness, mood swings, well point is I have communicated very maturely about it and sometimes he gets it...FOR 3 DAYS and then back to hating life.
A good example...so he started Strattera just recently for his ADD and what not, well for a few days he seemed to be more happy, he even did some chores and snow blowed outside...for real that's a big deal to me. So last night his moods came back and he told me, "stop looking at me like I live in a zoo" Truly all I did was a glance at him, no longer than maybe 5 seconds...My daughter wanted to show him something that was important to her and she felt like he would like it too. Well we both looked at him and apparently that tipped him off, that and I wanted some ice cream and he says, "no then I have to get it for you" All I had said was, "Man I would love some ice cream" (phew) Anyway I have learned through the years that there is a list the size of a mountain of things I do wrong, things I say, how I move, where I sit, what I do when I am sitting, oh and A HUNDRED OTHER THINGS TOO...but only when he is in his moods. When he is nice he is that man, the man I knew and fell in love with.. this only happens when we are alone for a weekend away (2 times a year) or when he is not bothered at all...by bothered I mean he comes home, sits down, and plays games on his phone or ps3 or watch netflix, this is what he does. If I am at work this is what he does and our daughter plays in her room alone....or on her ds or on her computer...now a game of UNO would be wayyy to much for him.
I text him at her dinner time making certain he has started it and she has her homework done, sometimes he lies and says she is good, I get home around 8 and the homework is still not done, the bath is not started, but hey they had plenty of time in front of a screen....
We live with my brother who is younger and has a butt load of problems himself yet he seems to be growing into a real man. I watch him change, and live, and see him help my daughter and play with her and love her like a true father would. He makes her yummy suppers when my husband does not and he says good night to her every night- my husand does not.
I thank the lord everyday I have my brother here - my daughter can see what a real dad is like. I mean my husband doesnt even have the patience to help her learn how to ride a bike. Seriously he gets mad at her and calls her names like wussy or something. That in turn makes me pissy and then all hell breaks loose.
Well this a just a sample of my life and although we just had one of those great weekends away- we are back here in hell - he sleeps on the couch for his snoring and I lie awake upstairs planning out my future alone...when my daughter leaves I will find a nice condo somewhere and live my life instead of walking on egg shells and hiding my mc donalds lunch bags so I dont get in trouble.
He has never hurt me yet...in almost 10 years he has never swung at me or beat me in ANYWAY he just emotional tears me apart because that is how he feels inside and he pulls me in with him so I fell just as terrible as he. I am here for my daughter, I am here for her, I am staying here with her every moment I will not divorce him (can you imagine my daughter at his house?) he would not be able to care for her without me. So I will stay, I will waste another 10 years of my life because I made the best investment in the world with him...HER
Thanks to any who read this, although I know it is like a short story- THANKS for reading, and maybe just maybe I will find a friend out there who can feel the emptiness and sadness like I do...because I am a happy person that lives in a sad world. I love the world and nature and my job and my daughter when she smiles or laughs or even cries...i love my pets and my little life in this big house...it just feels so lonely and empty.