Jennifer - posted on 06/21/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )
He was an accomplished high ranking Navy officer. It was the day of his Change of Command Ceremony. He was due to leave to Washington DC to a very prestigious upwardly mobile job. We had officially been separated die three years, but when he was not deployed we saw each other just about everyday. We would have dinner with our children, go shopping, he would help me with my homework (as I had finally decided I would continue my education and get my BSN). I went to most Navy events with him, keeping appearances is very important for senior officers. It was as if we were still married, but didn't sleep with each other every night. I had relationships.. Although not entirely meaningful, but he did as well. He invaded privacy, acted crazy at times, hacking my email, phone, financials, even a GPS locator on my car. I didn't do that to him .., now I wish I had. He started to seem like he was coming through as I was as well, I ALWAYS loved him .. But feel out of love due to him deploying, working LONG hours, isolation from daily and friends, we moved constantly, I felt he didn't support me .. But I supported him and our family. We started to date, we (at least I thought we were coming back together) . I was happy, a little skeptical but isn't that normal ?? He was leaving us here in Florida and going back to DC. But I was willing to try. The week of his Change of Command, which involves many events, we attended together, as husband and wife. He always made me feel like I was the one to betray our relationship , he was the martyr he was the good and pure one. NO. The night of the final party I get this strange feeling that comes over me when I se him talking to a female hex worked very closely to.. I lose it! I don't make a scene, I approach him, he blows me off then doesn't talk to me for the rest of the evening. We are at a party with all his colleagues and his family, only my sister and children are there for me. I stay till the end, I leave the party totally embarrassed, without speaking a word. I went out with my sister, we begin to text, I tell him how embarrassed I was, if he wanted that life he should have just kept me out of everything. I returned to the place where the party was to pick up my car. I see our truck still in the parking lot, I assume he left hours ago and is home or with his family. I text and ask him why is the truck still there?? He says he is still there, so I turn my car around, he is waiting in the lot for me. I am distraught, we argue, he holds me down, as I wanted to see who he was with, it was her, I finally get away I run into the amenity center to find no one except a purse.. Hers.. We argue briefly., he NEVER denies anything. He says it doesn't matter he is going to kill himself anyway.. I ignore him. I don't acknowledge that statement as he LOVED me.. His three children.. He leaves in the truck, I grab the females purse ( just to prove he WASNT alone, I
Not crazy). I sit in the lot in my car for a few minutes to compose myself. I arrive home he is there., we argue slightly.. The "you did this to me" arguement. He calls me a crazy selfish bitch.. We had scre in arguing to never call each other names .. I told him to leave, he stepped out on the back patio, thinking he was going to blow off some steam.. Come to his senses, I shut the slider door behind him. Looking at him, I see him reach behind his back pull out his 9mm, he shoots off three rounds into the woods and turns to me puts the gun to his temple and shoots.,, it happened do fast.. Although it plays a thousand times in slow motion in my head. He stops at my feet.. I hear a gasping, I hear my children screaming, I am screaming ., why did you go this.. I attempt breathes but as a senior nursing student know this wound is fatal. The emergency dr pt whisk him away.. Life flights him.. He lived for an entire hour, as he was very healthy and fit. Although I did notice he was drinking more in the past, but not around me ... I knew he was depressed but do was I ., this isn't the life either of us expected. That was 3 months ago. I struggle moment to moment of how in highensight I didn't recognize ... I have a tremendous amount of guilt.. I feel his family blames me.. I would go anything to bring him back .. My own life if need be.. I loved him always .. He was my best friend always. I see now he reached out to others but kept very level in front of me.. Time to time I would see a sadness, but I was sad too. That's normal in a separation... One antonym forgive him, but I feel that act was selfish, mean, and vindictive. Unforgivable to do that in our house, in the presence of our children. The public eye was on me after the shooting due to his position. The investigations never ending due to his security clearance .. And due to the fact he was having a relationship with a married junior officer in hod command.. The one that was with him that night. His blood alcohol came back at .268.. I do blame her for that. I feel if she cared about him she would have stopped the drinking.. Drove him home... Something .. I'm trying not to blame her.. And I don't but she has a stake in this. He was caught, the perfect captain that everyone loved was flawed ...he felt trapped .. He went into my fond room woke him to day he was going to be a great Marine and thst he never lied to him or his mother . That was a lie. I love him.., crave him.. Am totally despondent ... How do I proceed from here.. How will I trust.. I feel betrayed and forever broken .. I have thoughts of killing myself, but would NEVER, because my children need me.. I'm all they have.. I coc never do that to them, that's why I don't understand .. How do you ever understand ...