My husband may be abusive,what are some of your ideas that are abusive i would like to know

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/09/2013 ( 35 moms have responded )

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He blows up easy,says mean comments an says I make him..he has called me stupid useless,makes comments about my looks sometimes..an makes comments in between lines,an emotional abuse,when hes mad he igores me,wont talk,about whats going on..an if sonthings bothering him he doesn't say,(he does it back?)I don't understand..that..behavior.his mother acts the same.(its like walking on eggshells)also he thinks I do things on purpose..an I do not.he has always said he pays the bills,(I stay home with our one year old)..he should be able to do what he wants..i asked for the credit card he said no..i said why/ he said I pay for it.were married!..my father also helps with groc.an money..tords the bills so I don't have to work an I can stay home with my daughter,i just wana know if anyone else goes throu this.. an what to do..an how to handle this.

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Mother Of Pearls - posted on 05/15/2013

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oh hell no well first that is your daughter no matter what they say or no matter what his mother says and all m am going to tell you is to take a good look at your daughter she should be your one and only priority and your most important one so you need to get rid of him I know its easier said than done but it aint about you now its about her and her safety and her well being and I doubt you would want to raise your child in an environment like that she will grow up to think that the way he treats you is ok and she will allow someone to treat her that way I doubt you would want that for her so you need to take actions and soon because you need to feel safe and happy for yourself and your child and deserve better for you both it has became a safety issue for your child and it is hard when you have a relationship and a child with a person but if its not a safe haven for you or your child then you need out go to family or maybe a good reliable friend but you need to go I know its hard and confusing and your probably overwhelmed hun but in this case you need to get out that is a bad environment for the both of you and things can get worse so don't wait till its to late move forward now only you know how bad it is and if what your telling us is in fact the matter then you need to get out that's my advice to you my friend and I will pray and be here threw it all with you but only you can make a change for the better

Pamelia - posted on 05/14/2013

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Hi Jennifer. I'm sorry to read that you are being verbally abused by the one you love so dearly. It's a sad thing to know you love a man who at every chance he get, he vents on you. That is the way they start before the next step of hitting. I know first hand. They try to break your spirit and make you think you are what they say. Be strong sista. If you have God in your life, pray over your husband and what you are going through. God didn't put us here to be mistreated. If you want my story, just ask. It may give you a new outlook of things. I do know, if it were not for the love and mercy of the Lord, my children and I WOULD NOT HAVE MAD IT.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/14/2013

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That's abuse as much as punching you in the face is abuse. We have enough people in this world that want to bring us down, and your spouse is supposed to lift us up and be our support system. Your husband is trying to control you through emotional abuse bc he feels inadequate and wants you to feel as if you are stupid, ugly, useless, and can do not better then him ( which is total bs). Your one year old is absorbing everything that is going on in your house and will grow up thinking this is normal . Im not sure of the actual statistic , but I know kids who grow up in abusive household are way more susceptible to either being an abuser or finding an abusive spouse, and( I'm not saying this to be mean ) but you would be partly responsible for this if you continue to let your child be around this sort of behavior. When we have kids we have to remember everything we do has an impact on their growing minds and were the people who teach them most about the world. Right now your kids are being taught men abuse and control their wives and in their minds it's " ok" or why would mommy have stayed?

Carla - posted on 05/14/2013

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Think about your daughter and what it will be like for her growing up in that environment! It's better to have 2 happy separated parents then 2 unhappy parents in an abusive home! What will she want from a man when she is older?

Carol - posted on 05/14/2013

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I've been with an emotionally abusive husband. He will not get better unless he acknowledges the problem - and it isn't you. My ex went to counseling and heard the counselor suggest things that he should change. On the front steps of the building he told me that he just told the guy what he wanted to hear, that I should know everything was my fault and he didn't have to change a thing. He was so controlling that it took years to realize how bad it really was. He'd pushed all my friends and family away. I couldn't do anything right. I never looked right - I was obese at 125 pounds. I really wish I was that obese now. lol
Get out or get couples counseling. Don't leave another option. It will only get worse. Call him on the abuse each and every time. If you do leave, your daughter will have a stable relationship with you and see how "normal" people behave. Get her in counseling too when she's older if she starts to exhibit behavior like her dad or grandmother.

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Jennifer S. - posted on 05/20/2013

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i tried responding..an i guess this isn't conversation forcircles of mothers..any more infor amtion would help thank you kristi

Kristi - posted on 05/17/2013

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One of the many things that I advocate for is family court judges (or anyone who is making major decisions regarding children and families) should have to take MANDATORY, updated training on domestic violence and how to detect it. So many of these court "professionals" making life and death decisions are making judgements based on 30 year old biases that have repeatedly been dis-proven by years of research (like the myth that domestic violence is only physical in nature, most women lie about abuse, etc). In the process, multi-million dollar cottage industries have developed.....people are becoming VERY wealthy by promoting adversarial family courts.....so this situation is not going to change any time soon unless people start educating themselves and speaking out for children.

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/17/2013

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I know...an yes trhey are trying to make me crazy..both him an his mother everyone thinks im crazy..well an I have anxiety,depreesion.. I have issues nyway with men..(I have father issues) with my childhood.. but yes I know what you mean..he is doing that an isn't it crazy how they can turn unto a diff person im a mess ...going to family funtions an hes standing their laughing eating an talking I feel like crying after the explosive temper on the way over...to a family function or store anywhere..i say why are you acting this way..HE SAYS I PISS HIM OFF AN HE SAID KNOW YOU RUINED MY WHOLE WEEKEND THANKS..an I will just ask him a question.that upsets him or if he doesn't wana do something oh...wow look out an says I make him blow up an .so many times her has exploded in the car with her in the back seat...my husband is an asshole AN VERY ABUSIVE..i seen a guy he works with an he gave me a dirty look oh great my husband has him now not liking me..i said to him after he blew up in the car I said u have to control your temper if all the guys knoew how you act I bet they would kick your ass! he came at me an said i like to see it..hes small an a wimp he likes to abuse women..an afaid of men.......judges should really have a monitor visits with both parentsd for 1 year.or longer.if they care for children..i wouldn't care..if someone came over an watched stay the night move in...how can one sleep at night thinking an knowing they placed a child with abuse ..an I think judges should go to a battered womens course an meetings to update ...an why cant they see the womens in distress from abuse..maybe we need to pass a new law or something for judges to maybe get educated themselves..more....everything lays in the courts an judges hands..an if im with my daughter 98% of the time an he lays around an doesn't want to be bothered..but im thinking of a voice recorder..i wish I would have been tapeing for a year..i would have enough for a lifetime to prove his abusive

Kristi - posted on 05/16/2013

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Yes, Jennifer, I agree with you. Even though your husband may never have physically abused you or your child, what you are describing is severe emotional and psychological abuse. The academic studies are abundant that children become horribly damaged from witnessing such behavior. And a child should almost always be placed in the custody of their primary caretaker/primary attachment figure, which is usually the mother. Unfortunately, our family court system and most of the judges haven't caught up with the knowledge that's out there. What you are describing.....I've seen it hundreds of times in custody courts. The husband beats you down....emotionally and/or physically. Many women suffer depression, anxiety, or severe PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as a result. In court, the abuser can turn into a totally different person....they present themselves very well in court, while the abused woman is a mess. Many judges, lawyers, etc will interpret such behavior as mental instability and don't realize that the woman's emotional issues stem from years of abuse and desperation to protect their child. I'm not saying that you should NOT leave your husband if that's what you choose....from what you are saying, it sounds like you and your daughter are in danger. What I am saying is that you need to be very, very careful. You said that your husband often provokes you....a new tactic I'm seeing is abusers who provoke their victims into very emotional reactions, then the abuser tape records the woman yelling, crying, cursing, etc.....then they use it against the woman in court. I'm dealing with a woman right now who's ex tried to choke her and the only thing she could do to get him off of her (and save her own life) was to bite him. The abuser called the police and SHE was arrested and convicted of domestic battery (and she also lost custody of her child). Just please, please, please educate yourself.....prepare yourself....know how to protect yourself and your daughter if you decide to leave. You will have alot of well meaning people try to give you advice that may end up harming you. For example, many people believe that a woman in your situation can get legal aid, a free attorney, or your husband would have to pay for your attorney.....these resources for divorces are almost impossible to obtain. You can expect most lawyers will want at least a $5,000-10,000 retainer. These days, custody battles can easily cost $100,000. Then, you have to find a GOOD lawyer who is experienced and knowledgeable on defending a woman who is an abuse victim.....such attorneys are also difficult to find. Please hang onto the links that I sent you and keep them handy in case you need them. There are resources out there, but you have to know where to look. Let's cross our fingers that if you do decide to leave, he will not launch a nasty custody or divorce battle. Take care and BE CAREFUL!

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/16/2013

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An my husband said..to me (I said (husband)men don't act like this behind closed doors he said how do you know..hes younger than me..i have been with other men an treated me very well..so he grew up with abuse,an all the men in his family are cheaters beaters abusers I found out after marrige

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/16/2013

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So maybe the judge needs to live with some of his cases...a lot of abusers act very diff,behind closed doors..or maybe he or she should go to a battered womens meeting if I put spy cams up..oh..everyone would know an a lot of women..should.an a lot of men they were rasied that way..they learn it...he blows up at me an in return doesn't know how to control his temper..an their for mean to both..he never has hit or whatever...but emotional yes..hes mad at me he takes it out on her..if were fighting yesterday he threw her bath tub across the room an broke it..an she was sleeping woke her up..an she was scared to death ..an he said I made him do it..Everyones in charge of how they act..then he runs to the bathroom an this is something hes done since the beginning I thought it was strange..but I over look it..he sits in the bathroom with the shower on for a while an comes out an hes ok..i think he has mental issues something...an its from childhood an his mothers embarrest an makes excusses an shes lies an says im crazy..trust me its not me..she said to me I JUST CARRIED MY DAUGHTER AFTER BIRTH)an came over with her own diaper bag an said I should be able to pick her up whenever I want..thats her..an im like I don't think so ..an shes the type who doesn't get her way..she gets revenge.im in hell.(an yes a lot of men are abusive)he broke my finger..befor I got preg.an I said what happened an she said im lying..to everyone behind my back..i have er reports them wanting to press charges,an I didn't. he has a horrible temper..an she does also

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/16/2013

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Thanks Kristi. he doesn't abuse my daughter..an I would never say that..ALL THOU IM THE MOTHER AN I SHOULD HAVE PRIMARY CUSTODY! im her mother..an he my husbands mother stole him from his father at 3 months old from texas to ohio. shes controlling an he is to..but I know what your saying I look crazt an his mother has lied to make me look crazy..shes embarrest of her family makes excusses Iall I want is to have a healthy life for her...he doesn't even parent I do 98% of it...so a judge can decide. but a baby an a girl needs her mother

Kristi - posted on 05/16/2013

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Actually, many judges side with abusive husbands these days. They are trained to believe that most women lie about abuse as a way to keep the children away from their father. If you walk into a courtroom believing that they'll automatically side with you, you may be setting yourself up for disaster.

Kristi - posted on 05/16/2013

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Any woman who plans to leave her abuser these days needs to be very careful, especially if children are involved. Many abusive men will sue for custody of the children as a way to punish and control their victims. Believe it or not, these men are VERY successful at convincing judges to give them custody. Those who believe that custody courts favor moms are dead wrong. The latest statistics I've seen say that 70% of NON abusive men will get custody if they fight for it in court. 90% of abusers will get it. It seems to defy all logic so I'm going to give you some links that provide more info. Educate yourself and get your "ducks in a row" before you decide to leave. http://www.custodyprepformoms.org/
http://www.nowfoundation.org/issues/fami...
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/2011/11/...
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/VAWnet_PAS_M...
http://www.thelizlibrary.org/site-index/...

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/15/2013

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also he said jen you wont win against my mother..i said whats that mean first of all im 38 years of age im not trying to win lose fight whatever..i just want left alone! an to rasie my daughter!!!! the way I want to,they both play mind games an very abusive..my husband has low self estem because her(thety both say to my daughter ...I don't want you...I don't want you... oh yes I do..an grab her..i say whats that..don't say you don't want her an he grew up with her saying he was found under a rock...an she really wasn't his mother...ect..very mean an shes gonna an him do the same ..that's what im worried about not me being controlling...an whatever shes mine I have a right to be controlling why cux I care about my daughter..i would think any jury or judge would not disagree ..

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/15/2013

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feel like that now ..an both him an his mom..an when their here alone..she makes comments an he walks away hes afraid of his mother..but yes I feel sad in my heart an hes broken my spirt..he looked at me an said oh what are you gonna do ..an laughed..an makes mean comments because of his mother..i said I think your mothers crazy really!!an he came at me an tried hiting me..an said I will an i wana put you throu a wall..but his mother can belittle an abuse me..oh an she loves when her son sticks up for her..its like norman bates..?or redneck abuse behavior I never meet a man that would beat a women over a comment sticking up for myself an my daughter ..his mother crossed the line with me many times..over a comment because his mother called an said this isn't just your baby!i should be able to come over anytime an pick her up an everything isn't on your terms...I said what???? no I don't think so..you ask an you don't demand my child she said she isn't just yours! an my husband can make comments about anyone I don't care I would never hit or wana put him throu a wall...I think she raied him to just love her an no women should come between them very unhealthy..an she said im controlling an now hes saying it..its not me whos controlling..its my child an my family(she said were all a family)...I said no.. my husband an I are our family..an I have had boyfriends an almost got married befor I never saw this behavior...

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/15/2013

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Bethany,hi thank you...were you married? an I have an over bearing mother inlaw(shes the same)he learned this behavior from her..shes very abusive..an she told me after a gave birth..I JUST CARRIED MY DAUGHTER..(I DIDNT DO ALL THE WORK..well that gave me the creeps an I thought how dare you shes my daughter..but she lies an makes rude crude comments to me ..an has a past of trying to take custody of other womens kids.3step daughters .an omg made her husbands ex..life a nitmare..an those were not even her kids!!!an she thinks my daughters part hers an shes not shes my daughter..an she tried bullying me oh did she..like my husband...she will be the one fighting an child custody..(I know theirs no grandparent rights ...in ohio but theirs something....their both crazy really!!! an their making me look crazy..so I turn to other women to talk an it makes me stronger..what do you think about fileing for divore..an im really afaid of my daughter 14 months being alone with him an her.if he acts abusive tords her with me an I keeping her safe an I do 98%of parenting...thank god she sees him act mea tords me an shes frightend..ab she slapped him across the face one day..an his mom an family think its because I must do it..an she copied ..no she prob.hates him..because the way he treats me he thinks its his beard..so he shaved..no..you scare her..he doesn't get it... I think that's why women stay to be honest..an finance..oh an he treats me like a servant an a maid because he pays the bills..i don't work I stay home with her...daycare an babysitting..expensive an I wouldn't make enough to cover..

Bethany - posted on 05/15/2013

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My previous relationship was very similar. Constantly belittled and yelled at etc. it was so bad. He would tell me things like "don't wear your hair up it looks ugly". He treated me so horribly that his son started to treat me bad too and his son who was then 5 now he is 7 still treats his mother horribly because of watching his father act like he did. (He would tell at me in front of his son everyday and tell me I was no better than a five year old when I would tell his son to do something he didn't feel like doing and he would tell his father in me). Time to make a decision. I wouldn't want my little girl growing up in such a hostile environment it can cause so much emotional damage to a child. Stay strong and do what you know is best. When I left my ex I did it all in 2 hours while he was at work. I packed up my stuff slowly so he wouldn't notice over a few days. I left a note telling him why ( I previously went to my local PD and alerted them I was leaving my ex is a little unstable lol) and asked him not to contact me Etc. he found it when he got home from the bar later that night (he wonders why still..). Good luck be strong for you and your little one!

Shaundra - posted on 05/15/2013

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In my opinion, it's time to walk away. That is abusive behavior even if he is not hitting you. It's controlling and marriage is not supposed to be that way. My first marriage was like that, I'm in a much better one now!

Mother Of Pearls - posted on 05/15/2013

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hun there's no real easy way out and there is no easy answer I think you really need to do what's bet for you and your child do you really want to go one living this way and even with the in-law she's no help and that makes matters worse baby girl you really need to figure it out its not rocket science you know what needs to be done you stressing yourself out to much debating on this decision if its not going to get better what else is there to do try talking to you parents get there point of view but you need to do what's best for you and your child

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/15/2013

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It breaks my heart reading this. I feel so sorry for you , geeze to have someone you live say things like that Is unimaginable. I wanted to tell you that the longer you stay all your doing is hurting yourself too hubby. If you subject yourself to repeated verbal abuse one of these days he might just break you and you will never feel " good enough" or might never get the courage to leave and your baby needs a strong mommy

Pamelia - posted on 05/15/2013

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Good morning. Its not right for you and your baby to go through this. You have a couple of wise decisions to make that no one can make for you. Just know, if you stay, your baby's going to think that's how she should be treated as well. Trust me, it do not get better!!!! Do you have family that you can turn to?

Mother Of Pearls - posted on 05/15/2013

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I would say to you hun anything and anyway he makes you feel uncomfortable and you know its not the right way he should be treating you would be abuse but let me know if you need any more support I am here

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/15/2013

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Thank you..i know(he turns it around just yesterday ....siting their crying ..I asked will you stop blowing up in front of our daughter...He said when you stop questioning me..i catch him in lies an asked him..things ..I have trust issues with him because they way he talks an treats me..like hes cheating..he said no! I wont until you stop questioning me...he blows up an says the f word an just is a monster..i said our daughter is afraid of you an is scared..so yes its like I cant say anything (I say its like walking on eggshells..he said yep! hes an asshole...an our daughter he doesn't care about her or he would stop..i said no matter what I asked you..or whatever someone says you should learn how to control your temper..he throws things an says mean things.so confronting him...doesn't work,an counseling...he said okay...if you need closure...? what..i think he has mental issues...an trusting someone who treats an talks to me an says horrible things..i just cry an yes feels like hes destroying me..inside my spirt..my heart..an I look at my daughter..an feel bad for her..I truley think hes only here for now (shes one)so his mom can see her..she an I don't get along..their twins..an acted just alike..this is a good one for all mothers..his mother said to me after giving birth..WELL SHE JUST CARRIED HER..SHE DIDNT DO ALL THE WORK!i about fell over..i said wait...what..shes MY daughter!

Bethany - posted on 05/13/2013

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You should listen to the last 2 posts get out of that relationship as soon as possible you and your daughter are worth more than that!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/13/2013

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Jennifer, you need to leave this man. There is no other discussion, unless you want to figure out how to leave him. This is abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse are as damaging as physical abuse. You are better than this. Move on. This man will destroy you and your baby.

Angela - posted on 05/13/2013

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He's a grade A jerk then. If you can't bring yourself to leave this man, at the very least try & keep your child safe from his abuse, even if it's only verbal.

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/13/2013

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Oh an one more thing.. when hes mad an tired hes mean to our daughter,he tells her bad things...shes 1 but still he grew up with his mom making fun of him an saying mean things..he says I DONT WANT YOU,YOU SMELL,YOU STINK,YOUR A DIRTY BABY...I look at him an say what! please stop im thinking my husbands self estemm is so low..an its cuz his mother did that..she told him she found him under a rock,when he was born..an he isn't hers he said he cried for days an then said oh I was joking..he was5..i thought wow that's abuse..an now hes doing same thing.to our daughter an I catch her saying mean things..an she crabbed her earing..an she said oh I will do it back an grabed my daughters ear hard..i think their insane/anyone else going throu this?.divorcing..he wld have her alone an god knows what will go on an his mother witch I cant stand...will have her alone more!an them togerther..double wammy.. an their very disrespectful,to me..an his family is what they call redneck.an I am not..when my daughter was a newborn his mom said its okay to get dirty..i thought what!..AN THEN LOOK AT ME AN SAID OH YOU JUST CARRIED HER...YOU DIDNT DO ALL THE WORK AN SHES THE FAMILYS BABY..AN CAME OVER WITH HER OWN DIAPER BAG..i said wait!!!!no...she was2 weeks old.im so concernd for my sweet daughter..

Jennifer S. - posted on 05/13/2013

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thank you,i know..all mothers out their know..i do everything he picks her up an hugs her an kisses her..then gives her back to me.i feed change bath up an down with her take her to doctors an care for her when shes sick...ect..I have said im tired I would like some help..he said (OH WHAT A HARD JOB!)an its just not I want help..yes I do..but its also parenting an she has to have both parents involed..he says he works..im like ha ha thinking..my brother in law works70 hours sis,stays home an he still knows what his two girls fav foods an knows what their doing an he spent the father an daughter time when their the agesnewborn an3 feed bath an changed diapers its called bonding an parenting..(he has a short fuse an gets so mad all the time also) HELP I NEED ADVICE...IM THINKING OF DIVORONG..I TRIED TALKING..HE DOESNT GET IT.an his mom(their relationship is so un healthy)instead of telling him he needs to be involved she gets mad at me an says he works(an its 40)hours by the way..an he needs to relax.. an she thinks I have my daughter just close with me..because im controlling? I said no! hew doesn't spendtime with her an parent her,,,the whole thing is discusting... WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME...PLEASE HELP

Angela - posted on 05/10/2013

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Firstly, here are some guidelines as to what constitutes domestic abuse:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic...

As for your husband demanding total autonomy with the money as he's the one that earn it .... He is NOT the provider he regards himself as though, is he? Your own father helps out with family expenses!

Why not test him and say you're thinking of getting a job somewhere? I bet you anything he would not want you to! He's too fond of your current arrangement to let you garner any power for yourself by earning your own money!

Depending on your skills and qualifications, you could possibly get part-time work on the job share basis. This is where you and someone else share a job. On the days or half-days she's at work, you look after her child, and when you're at work she looks after your kid. So no childminding fees to pay!

But anyway, you need to gen yourself up on financial abuse and confront him with the evidence:

http://www.girlsjustwannahavefunds.com/f...

http://www.examiner.com/article/financia...

http://www.lwa.org.uk/understanding-abus...

http://www.women24.com/CareersAndMoney/M...

Here's a leaflet you can download so abusers can examine their behaviour and be aware that it's not right:

http://www.lwa.org.uk/images/downloads/C...


Good luck!

Bethany - posted on 05/09/2013

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I think you have the hardest job of all staying and looking after your daughter! He should respect that, I couldn't live like that you deserve to be treated with more respect especially as the mother to his child, hope things get better

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/09/2013

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He is emotionally abusive and controlling to boot. You should not have to put up with this abusive behavior, and neither should your daughter. Staying at home would not be worth it to me. I recommend either marriage counseling, or talk with him about his behavior and let him know it needs to change. i would not be able to live like that. You should not be expected to be treated this way. Good luck.

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