my husband n i been married for 5yrs. we separted for awhile n during that time he slept wih another woman n got her pregnant. i didnt wanna take him back but we had a long talk n i forgave him. he wants to see the child i want him to see the child to but i dont want him around her i trust him bt i dont trust her n i feel as if they get too cool they might end up having sex again or who knows what..... should i let him go to her house? is there anyway else he can see his son without going to her house alone?

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Jodi - posted on 06/29/2011

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OK, I am just going to say that his behaviour towards you is abusive. Threatening to kill himself if you leave him is a controlling behaviour. Sorry, but everything I have read in your posts indicates to me that he is abusing your good nature. You say that every time you trust him, he does something else, so this obviously isn't the first time he has done this. He is not going to change. He is using you, and it is a form of mental abuse. Get out of that relationship. I know how hard it is because you have the children, but you cannot let him control you like this. You deserve to be happy and get on with your life with someone who loves you AND has respect for you. His threats to kill himself are empty, he is using that to control you. Do you have any friends?

Jodi - posted on 06/28/2011

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Well, if you trust him, there shouldn't be an issue. The only way it will be an issue is if he participates, no matter how much she tries. So really, the issue here is that you don't TRULY trust him to resist her.



With respect to seeing his son, he can file for visitation, and should be able to pick him up and have him at your house for a set period of time before returning him to his mother. For this, you will need to seek legal advice.

Jodi - posted on 07/06/2011

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Nicole, he is lecturing YOU about for better or worse when he is the one who couldn't keep his dick in his pants when you separated for a while and knocked some other woman up? Sounds like he wants his cake AND to eat it too. You did NOT do the wrong thing. This is another one of his emotional blackmail ploys. If he can only get you back by making you feel guilty, then it is emotional blackmail, which is a form of mental abuse. Stay strong, do NOT let him make you feel guilty.

If you want to know, my ex husband used to do the same thing to me and even went so far as to threaten to ram his car into a tree, when he had our son with him. I never felt so sick in my life, and I never thought I'd have the strength to cope with that. But I did. I got through it. He isn't such an ass these days, but it is now 11 years later, so he's grown up and gotten over it. But honestly, it was total abuse to make these threats, it was all to make me feel guilty for leaving my abusive marriage.

What REALLY helped me to gain the emotional strength to get through it was counselling. It really helped me a LOT to see it for what it was. Perhaps you could go and talk to someone about it to help you cut through the guilt, and have the strength to move forward.

Constance - posted on 07/06/2011

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Nicole, You did the right thing. He is still trying to control you. Now he is using your vows to put guilt on you. He is the one who went and slept with someone else and had another baby. What happened to his vows to love and cherish you and to be dedicated only to you? You know that you don't want to be with him. You ae not happy with him. He betrayed you on the maximum level.
Listen to what he is saying. Our vows are suppost to be forever. If you don't take me bad I am going to kill myself. It is abuse. Stand your gound don't let him control the situation anymore. You have a right to have a happy fufilling life. You have said that you didn't want to be with him but he guilt tripped you into taking him back.
I am here for you all the way. I am not going to disappear. I promise. If you need to talk on the phone I will give you my phone number so we can talk. If not will be here. emember just breath and look in the mirror and tell yourself I can do this. I deserve to be happy.

Tonya - posted on 07/02/2011

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OMG someone has fed you a line of crap. He filed in April then there should be letters from the lawyer coming in from time to time on what is going on. Has there been a DNA done to prove he is the father to start? If she won't allow him to take the child then the lawyer needs to change that. As for the trust issue I know what you mean my husband cheated on me several times this last time I found out when I was pregnant with our last child and the girl tried to say she was pregnant and miscarried. She even had the nerve to tell me she called him while she was in the hospital but he denied it. We will be married 18 years in October. I have gone through the same stories yours told you. It is all a ploy to keep you. I told mine that if I had somewhere to go I would be gone in a heartbeat cause I know I can make it without him. We have 4 kids together but I have 7 total I had 3 before we got together. I am trying to get disability due to my back that is why I am still here and no where to go. If you can get a job get one, find a good bible base church they will help you too. If you need someone to talk to and I can be of some help here is my email tonyameuir69@yahoo.com I hope my input helped you some

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Nicole - posted on 07/08/2011

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Thanks you guys I will stay strong... maybe I do need a counseling. Have so much stuff I've been holding inside me n im overwhelmed.. but I wont let him discourage me this time I can't I'm tired of going in circles.

Gwen - posted on 07/08/2011

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Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. I spent 18 mos. in counseling before I was truly able to forgive my ex husband. That being said, forgiveness does not mean accepting bad behavior; it means you are able to let the past stay in the past and move forward with your life.

Nicole - posted on 07/06/2011

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I'm good Constance.. its just so hard but I'm taking it one day at a time but he keeps telling me o were married what happened to for better or worst. And through thick an thin he be making me feel bad. Did I not do the right thing

Tonya - posted on 07/05/2011

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Ok why did he leave. If the birth mother won't allow him to see the child at your house then what about setting a visit at the park where there is something for him and his child to do together. I am trying to look at this from both points of view ok. She is probably jealous of you thinking you will try to play mommy to her son. But she has to realize you are married to him and so therefore will be around her child when dad comes to get the child. Maybe now this is just a thought: try contacting the birth mom and talking to her let her get to know you so she does not feel threatened by you. Sometimes the not knowing is the biggest fear when it comes to children and this way you can ease her mind. I am not saying be her bestest friend or anything but let her get to know who you are and the type of person you are. As for him who knows what he is thinking. I hope this helps some. I would also be contacting the lawyer and asking what the hold up is. I am sorry but this really sounds strange not knowing when it is to be on the docket or anything. Something isn't right in Denmark.

Constance - posted on 07/05/2011

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Hi Nichole, How are you doing today? You made the decision that was right for you. You are going to be sad. It is always a sad time if it wasn't then you would be at a level of hate that I know you don't want to be at. Be strong and I am here if you need an ear or anything else. It is still ok to be upset.

Nita - posted on 07/05/2011

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Yes , there are ways he can see his child . You can accompany your husband each time he visits the child. This might solve your problem. But dnt say u dnt trust him . Say you want to see the child too as he /she is ur husbands child. take gifts for the child .

Nicole - posted on 07/05/2011

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Well I've told him how I felt he's packing his things and he's leaving in the mornin.... but for some reason I feel sad that he's leaving....I feel bad

Monda - posted on 07/04/2011

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I think I am just restating things that have already been said but if you can't trust him then you need to work the relationship until you can or let it go. Also, if he says things like he will kill himself without you then he is holding you emotionally hostage or he is mentally ill and at risk. If he is ill then getting help should be a requirement to stay together. Either way he may not be worth the emotional risk you are taking with him.

[deleted account]

If there is no trust - there is no relationship between the two of you - If he has a child, there will be a bond - to the child and the mother of the child. You will have to learn to trust, or walk away from a non-productive relationship. The fact that is cheated is known, who knows what the future holds. You cannot control that but must take control of your own life.

Jessica - posted on 07/03/2011

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well like the saying goes it takes two to tango so if you trust him it shouldnt be a problem however maybe she could drop his son off to him for a few hrs or they could meet in public places rather than at her house?

Kristina - posted on 07/02/2011

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You were seperated when it happened I am sure if you were to talk to him he would feel the same way as you about going over there. It ussually takes 6 months to get a court date set up for custody unless the child is in danger living with her. After that when you pick the child up for visitation he don't have to go to her home if he asks the courts to order her to meet to drop the child off at a certain time somewhere puplic like a gas station.

It will take time to get over it but hang in there and try to work through it. Maybe talking to him with a good friend or a counselor just so you have someone to explain it if he don't understand from you might help.

Good luck.

[deleted account]

If you guys filed back in April and the courts havn't gotten back to you then go down there and demad a court date! The family court where I am is slow, but they still get a date to you within a month of filing (even if the court date isn't for 3-4 months). Go down there and make sure they recieed the paperwork and see if there's anything holding it up. Your husband deserves his parenting time and if he really wanted it I would think that he would have marched his butt down to the courthouse by now to demand why they haven't gotten back to him.

Other than that, I agree 100% with Jodi. It sounds like you are in an emotionally abisuve relationship and you need t get help. If you ave no "real" friends then turn to an online support grou (that's what I did and it helped tremendously) or find a religious leader who you can talk to (if you're religious). There are SO many people out there who can help you (check out one of th epinned threads at the top of the main page for this community - it has links to some great abuse help groups). Please don't be ashamed to seek help, or even someone to just talk to.

Nicole - posted on 07/01/2011

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Yeah were still waiting on the court to set a date he file the papers in April n we still haven't heard anything from the courts. But she don't breastfeed. He's one now well 14 months.. she want let him around us she say she don't want him around me an he don't know my husband well enough to leave with him

Myriam - posted on 07/01/2011

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Nicole, I hate to say that you just might have to take her to court and let the courts do their thing which might turn out a good thing in the long run. You are married to him and the judge will be more in your favor, I have a cousin going though almost the same thing.

Jilene - posted on 07/01/2011

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If he has legal rights he should get his so, and bring him to your home. He doesn't meed tointeract with the birth mom much at all. If she is breast feeding them there is a problem. Good luck trust is a hard thing, hang there.

Cyndi - posted on 07/01/2011

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If you feel a lack of trust then you need to work through that. She is not a treat unless he allows her to be. You have to fully trust your mate in any given situation and if you can't then there are other issues at hand. As for him seeing the child it can always be about both of you seeing the child. There is no rule that says he has to go by himself. If you are a commited couple then do things as a couple and involve yourself in this childs life as well.

Nicole - posted on 07/01/2011

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Yeah I do but every time I tell him to leave he convence me too stay... but.i Am really getting tired of this though I'm emotionally tired so I need to do something.

Myriam - posted on 07/01/2011

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YES! The child could be picked up by BOTH of u ( you and Husband) and take the child to your home are a public area if that feels better to you.

Constance - posted on 06/29/2011

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You defidently deserve better. Just because you married him does't mean you need to be unhappy. Nobody wants to get divorced but somtimes it is the only solution.
Even me and my husband feel the same way. We haven't been happy in a long time but we are getting back to that. We needed space but that is how our marriage has always worked so wel. But we really love each other but we know love will only take us so far.

Nicole - posted on 06/29/2011

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No u good Constance. I needed that u have been so helpful.and I thank u for this... n I will keep in contact.. Thank you so much. But I do feel. Like this is what I deserve cuz. I married him. But. U opened my eyes u n Jodi. Both

Constance - posted on 06/29/2011

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Nichol he really isn't all you have you have you babies. I mat not be right there but I am always hee to help where I can. You ae not alone. I promise.

Constance - posted on 06/29/2011

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If I am coming off mean I am not trying to be I say this to my sister as well. So it comes from a good place. I am just a blunt kind of person.

Constance - posted on 06/29/2011

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It is hard when you don't have friends you can count on but sometimes friends will walk away if they don't like how someone is being treated by a spouse. You might be surprised how many you do have. That would support you leaving him sometimes you have to ask. But if you are happy then you will end up with new friends because you will be fun to be around. My sister has been going through this for a long time. he wants to have a ma who loves her for her but she is so depressed that they don't stick around So she settles for men who are horriable to her. She thinks she doesn't deserve to be loved like I am loved by my husband. The only person that has truelly stuck by her other than me is her gay roommate. I love him so much I actually callhim her gay husband. She has bee out of work for over a year and when her unemployment ran out he tookon more shifts to pay the bills. No man hat she has dated in the past would even take her out to dinnr that alone help her when she was in a finacial bind.
You may not feel you deserve better but you really do. I am sure you are a wonderful loving sweet person and you deserve more. With children being involved you have to look at them as well. Jodi is right 100% it is abuse and your kids wll go down the same path f they see the abuse on you that is the relationship they will have as adults.

You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. I can continue to tell you that but you have to know for yourself that you deserve it.

Nicole - posted on 06/29/2011

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Constance ure right. Its just so hard. He's all I got he say he will change I don't know what to believe anymore

Nicole - posted on 06/29/2011

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No I don't have any real friends that I talk to they just. Love to gossip I don't have nobody to talk too. They check on me every now n then that's it

Constance - posted on 06/29/2011

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Nichole he is using that as an excuse If he can't live without you then he should have kept his pants up and zipped. He probally is going to do it again and it will turn into baby I'm sorry it won't happen again. Then he will do it again.

Nicole - posted on 06/29/2011

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U have a big heart...... But I don't know how to go by things. I always forgive him but these things still bothers me so wen I do tell him I don't wanna be with him he be like how can I forgive him for somthng but wanna kick him out over it. He always tell me he can't make it without me he will wind up killing. Himself

Nicole - posted on 06/29/2011

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Him off n he feel like an outsider so I let him back n but he stayed in the other room. But some how we always end up on. Good terms again. I'm just confused I don't know what I should or need to do n if it's the right choice I have no one too talk too. I'm just so tired of the BS. N I know I wont ever. Feel cool about him going to hers alone. (Sorry about my posted I'm ina touch screen)

Constance - posted on 06/29/2011

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I understand that as well. The last time we spoke to my husband family was almost 9 yrs ago. On X-mas she hit my oldest son and she found out what kind of a mom I am. He just reconnected with his dad when e moved and I still haven't spoke to him and have really no desire.
My family I have my sister and my mom and my niece and nephew's family and that really is it. My brother is nothing but a manchild I( have custody of his 3 oldest kids.
I have a coupl of friends but when I m doing everything I do every day it is limitted and one of my other friends I just resently took custody from her. So she really doesn't consider me a friend anymore. Even though she thinks I don't care I did it because I do care. She is shoving a needle up her arm and she can't make reasonable decisions.

Like I said it is up to you what you want to put up with. I can tell you from experience just becase there are kids doesn't mean it is a reason to stay together. You have to be happy to be th best mom you can be annd if you are not happy then your kids won't be either. Just something to think about. I am heading out the door I am going to look at another house mine is no longer big enough. If you would like to talk Iwill be around for support and advice.

Nicole - posted on 06/29/2011

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I understand. But its so hard we have 2 kids together he's all I got my friends r shady n never to be found. My family members are crazy. All I have I'd him an our kids. We seperate all the time but I let him back because I feel sorry for him hate staying at his moms Cuz she tell

Constance - posted on 06/29/2011

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I have had a lot of problems over the years with my husband. Right now we live in 2 different states because of his stupidity. I have heard I am going to change for 8 years and it always stays the same. So when his company moved me and the kids stayed. I told him that he is going to fgure it out or we are threw. We talk everyday and our relationship is improving but we aren't dating aybody else. Neithe one of us has a desire to see anybody else.

You have to decide if this is worth all the hurt and pain that you are going through. If he isn''t going to change hisbehavior then is it worth it? That is what you have to ask yourself. It is one thing to have an affair it is another to have a baby with theother person. You hve to do hat is best for you. If he wants o come wih you then it is your decision. It sounds like you made yu decision once before maybe you need to stay with that decision. Maybe it is time to cut all ties frm your marriage.
Like I said my marriage is so different from other peoples but we are ghoing on 17 yrs. We have 4 children and 4 more that we have custody of. I love my husband but I made it very clear I will not be miserable anymore.. bh comes home tomorrow for the first time since Feb.. and he will be leaving on the 5th so I will be able to see if he is changing or if it is the same.
You have to do what is right for you. And he may not be in the equations.

Nicole - posted on 06/29/2011

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She has two other kids. She stays with her mom. N because she's 30 an still stay with her mom she has to watch her mother Foster kids an her three kids so she say she can't go out for too long so she SD the only way he can see his son is at the house

Nicole - posted on 06/29/2011

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U right Constance. I don't trust him fully. I'm trying its just everytime I put all my trust in him he does. Something wrong again I'm trying to stick by him cause he's my husband but he messes up all the time I forgive him then he does it again its one big. Circle. So its hard to trust him fully he had a baby on me n is constantly do dumb stuff n apologies n does it again so I can't trust him to go around her n. Be faithful

Constance - posted on 06/29/2011

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you don't trust him. I have been with my husband for almost 17 yrs and I trust him unless he drinks so he isn't allowed to drink whenI am not with him. If you fully trusted him it wouldn't be an issue. My question would be why can't they meet somewhere public? Instead of the privacy of her house.
Get an attorney file for vistation and g from there. It does take the courts a while to get anything done if it is not an emergency filing.

Nicole - posted on 06/29/2011

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U may be right I'm still working on my trust issues but its just so hard I just can't trust him fully so soon it takes time. but he did file for visitation back n April but we haven't heard anything since. Its taking so long.

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