MY HUSBAND NEVER WANTS TO GIVE ME MONEY!!!

Marlena - posted on 10/19/2014 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM AND ALWAYS WHEN I ASK HIM CAN I HAVE SO MONEY HE BE LIKE WHATS IT FOR AND IT CAN BE ANYTHING AND HE SAY NO BUT HE CAN BUY HIM SELF BEERS AND CIGARETTES I MEAN YES ITS HIS MONEY BUT COME ON AND I DO WANT TO WORK BUT WE DONT HAVE CHILD CARE SO SOME ADVICE PLEASE

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Aimee - posted on 10/20/2014

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Just because you don't work outside of the home doesn't mean you don't work! While I have never been lucky enough to be a SAHP, I am on the opposite end of the totem pole as a single parent. And trust me, having to work full time and do all the housework too - I know how much a SAHP does! You need to know your own worth!

My BF recently moved in with us and then injured himself at work and currently does not have any income coming in. But when I walk in the door at the end of the day, the house is clean, laundry done, animals taken care of, etc. While I will not just freely hand him money (because 1 - my budget is very tight, 2 - we aren't married and 3 - I need to make sure I'm protecting my investments should things not work out), I will get things for him when he needs/wants them as long as it isn't taking away from the bills. He may not be contributing financially at the moment, but he is contributing! It's a shame but unfortunately, not all men and women see SAHP in this way.

As an outsider looking in and having had friends in similar situations, it feels a bit controlling to me. I agree with the others, you should have access to the household funds. Or have you considered babysitting for others in your home so that you would also have income coming in?

I'm curious, are you listed on the bank accounts at all? I don't really want to know - that's your business. I only ask because if something were to happen and he was seriously injured or killed in an accident, you would not be able to take care of the monetary needs associated with those type of events if you aren't on the account(s). Keep in mind in the event of a death - the bank will actually freeze the account.

Raye - posted on 10/20/2014

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I would stay away from the word "allowance". The SAHP is not a child. An account should be set up for the SAHP with an agreed upon percentage of the income. Call it a "personal expense account", or something else that gives them the freedom to use the money how they see fit. Being given an "allowance" is letting the other spouse continue control.

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Lori - posted on 10/22/2014

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people get very emotional about money as well when it is simply a means to an end. part of the issue...in this instance, money has been given the power of control.
our marriage is run like a business with pooling of resources. what is good for the household, is good for everyone. thus why no separate accounts, etc. for over 20 years.

Sarah - posted on 10/20/2014

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Peter, I agree and I concede that this situation has come to the point of what you advise.

Peter - posted on 10/20/2014

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Sarah and Raye, I completely agree with both of you in principle. I'm just afraid that Marlena has already tried these reasonable and correct approaches, to no effect. She definitely should not have to stoop to do what I suggest. It's just what choices does she have? I'm just coming from a... "practical" angle. How can she get something that is rightfully hers from a this unreasonable man.

Sarah - posted on 10/20/2014

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Peter, I see your point and that the end justifies the means. However, think a wife should not have to ask for an allowance. I find it demeaning and does not put women on equal footing with men. Would you advise a SAHD to ask his wife for an allowance?
In this situation I do concede it may be necessary, because they did not iron out their financial plans prior to bearing children.
I was a double income family until baby 3 was on his way. We always had joint savings and checking as well as credit cards. We both have person savings accounts too, that we use mostly to save for something special for the other person. I saved for a toolbox for my spouse that exceeded our typical gift budget. He gave me a very expensive gift for our 20 year anniversary. I would classify these private savings accounts as our emergency accounts, it doesn't mean anything negative. Even not working outside the home i would add to my own personal account here and there, but I never just took a chunk of his check. He funds his account with OT and money he makes selling motorcycles at swap meets.
However, we went to a premarital counselor that forced us to come to an agreement on money. Too many couples believe it will just work out, and it rarely does. Once I was a full time SAHM I never felt that I was spending HIS money...it was our family fund. Money is the number one item that couple argue about! That is sad.

Peter - posted on 10/20/2014

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Actually no, it's not "his" money. It belongs to the both of you. That's part of being married as opposed to just dating. It's not a value judgment, it's the law. Unfortunately, there is clear cut way of how to enforce it.

Speaking from a man's point of view, I'd try this. At a time when you are both in a good mood and getting along, start a conversation bout getting a steady "allowance". It maybe a small amount, but given on steady weekly basis. Do not demand it or try to antagonize him. Just start the conversation and at all costs avoid having a fight. If it doesn't work, try again another day. Even if you start with $10 a week, which is very little, in time the conversions will change from "whether" to give you money to "how much to give you".

Guest - posted on 10/20/2014

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I feel I should clarify some details about my emergency account.

It is NOT a "secret" account. It is not money that I "hide" from my husband. My husband knows about it, and he has one too. We established our accounts with our own funds BEFORE we combined our lives and bank accounts. I have seen too many stay at home parents (not just moms) end up financially destroyed or worse, without a home, because their spouse took off with every penny in their joint account and left them jobless with a bunch of bills and a family to feed.

As for trust, no, I do not "completely" trust anyone. I have different levels of trust for all of the people in my life, and I trust my husband very much, but I would never allow myself to be completely vulnerable to the whims of another person. You can trust someone, but still take precautions to protect yourself in case they break the trust.

Sarah - posted on 10/20/2014

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I agree that money and finances is something that need to get discussed and budgets agreed upon, BEFORE marriage.
Even if you go to work, and make enough to pay for child care, there will still be the distinction of; that's my money and that's your money.
You are a family but that doesn't mean you have to pool all of your finances together. What is important is that you both agree and stick to a financial arrangement. Perhaps you can find a mediator to help you husband see that you need some sort of access to money and can help reach an agreement.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/20/2014

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LOL @ Gena...Give me a break...It's Monday in Wyoming! I knew Gwen wasn't right, but I couldn't get my scroll to work...Can I go back to bed now...will someone call my boss excusing me for the day??? PLEASE???

FYI...I did mean Gena, not Gwen!

Raye - posted on 10/20/2014

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Most marital troubles are about money. What works in one family may not work in another because situations are different, so both partners need to come to an agreement on what their plan is going to be. Households where one parent stays home can be even more stressful financially. Both people need to provide an atmosphere of trust... the "breadwinner" needs to trust the money is being spent wisely... the "houseparent" needs to trust that the needs of ALL individuals in the family will be provided for. Give and take. If this balance starts getting lopsided with one person being taken advantage of, then you should discuss it to find a plan that will work better and seek counseling if necessary.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/20/2014

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Just have to add this: I agree with Gwen...If you really think you need to hide money from your spouse "just in case" they get abusive, you probably shouldn't have been in that relationship.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/20/2014

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This should have been addressed before entering the relationship, and definitely before having a child.

Since it was not, I suggest that you both sit down and work out a budget, and stick to it.

I most certainly did not need a 'secret' account from my husband when I was teh SAHP parent, and he most definitely doesn't need one now that he's the SAHP. Household funds are household funds, bills are paid, savings contributed to, and any 'extras' are discussed and agreed upon by both.

The only exception that we have is that his 'market' money (extra earnings from our outdoor markets) is his to do with what he wishes, and mine is mine. Those are the ONLY my money/his money things that we have, and even those aren't exclusive, its just that we've each agreed that what we make for our individual efforts is icing on the cake, and we don't HAVE to share it if we don't wish to.

Gena - posted on 10/20/2014

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I dont have an "escape" acount.Does not mean i have no access to money in an emergency.Shouldnt you trust your husband? I mean,if i had to make an escape acount befor getting married, i wouldnt even bother to marry the man because that would mean i dont trust him. And why marry somebody you dont trust. I am not saying that a man cant become abusiv,or do those things you wrote. But i am sure that if a woman lets it get that far she will still survive,even if she has to go to a shelter.

Guest - posted on 10/20/2014

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I have to disagree with Raye Ramsey. If you are a SAHM and have no financial income of your own, you DO need to have an emergency account that your husband does not have access to.

Men CAN and DO become abusive every day, and the signs are not always there from the start. They can be very subtle--you get married, have a child, he suggests you become a sahm, and it sounds wonderful so you comply. Then he starts withholding funds and cutting you off from your social circle until you have no one to call, no one to take you in, should you decide to leave. Sometimes he will even take a job in another state, forcing you to move away from friends and family. Then the verbal abuse he used to make you feel like none of your friends or family love you will turn into physical abuse, but you are stuck with him because it takes money to leave.

Unless you have a paying job or some sort of independent income that you can take with you should you ever be forced to leave your marriage, you NEED to have a few thousand dollars--not much, just enough to put a deposit and a couple months rent toward a small apartment and cover bills until you get a job--in a bank account where only you have access to it.

That said, I am a full supporter of the joint bank account. The method we use is very similar to what Raye does except we don't bother with 3 different accounts because we get higher interest payback by keeping it all together and just managing where it is spent. I don't see why money for different things has to be kept in different places, but whatever works works as long as you are both on board and both have the same rights.

Raye - posted on 10/20/2014

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On one hand, since you are a SAHM, the money he earns is "family money". And, if you haven't given him any reason not to trust how you'll spend it, then you should have access to the money you need to spend on food, shelter, bills, clothes, etc. On the other hand, just because he buys beer and cigarettes doesn't mean that you can buy expensive shoes every other week. I'm not saying that you would do that, but we don't know you. The money should be spent responsibly for the family, and have a little aside for extra niceties.

My husband and I do not dump all our money into one account. We have a joint account for family expenses and our own separate accounts for everything else (and it's not an "escape" account - if you have that, you should not be married in the first place). We have a budget for normal expenses and we put money in the family account based on a percentage of our income (roughly 60%-40%). But, we both work outside the home, and yours is a completely different situation.

Regardless of our situation, it's the same outcome: come up with a budget, make sure your family living expenses are covered, and then you both should have some money left to buy little things for yourselves. If he spends $20 on beer and smokes, then you should get $20 to spend on something you want.

Guest - posted on 10/19/2014

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Why do you think it is "His Money?" That doesn't make any sense to me.

My husband and I share a joint bank account. All of our income goes into the one account, regardless of who the checks were made out to. Once you become a married couple, everything you do is for BOTH of you, including the money you each earn--there is no more His and Hers, just Yours (meaning both of you) (with the exception of the emergency (escape) account you set up before you got married in case you became a sahm and needed to leave him for some reason.)

The bank auto pays all of our bills, then automatically moves the amounts we've established for investments into the accounts we've set up (IRA, 529, etc.). We calculated our monthly expenses based on the highest monthly bills from the previous year, we subtract that amount from the lowest monthly income from the previous year and we know how much extra we can spend each month without over drafting the account. We divide that number by 3. I get to spend 1/3, he gets to spend 1/3, and 1/3 is for emergencies. We each have an app on our phones (I think its called "Spending Money") and we can "pay" ourselves each week, then enter our purchases and it keeps the balance for us so that we can know how much we are spending without having to actually carry cash around. I hate handling cash because you never know where it has been--could be REALLY nasty--and it's just plain dangerous.

Gena - posted on 10/19/2014

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I also dont believe in "I work for it,its mine".The money my husband works for belongs to the family,thats hubby,myself and our son. Same when i earn money,i dont consider it mine. I use it for the family. Cant you get your own bank card so that you can draw money for yourself?

Jodi - posted on 10/19/2014

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Well, no, it's not his money if you are raising a child together. It is family income. You are equal in your relationship and therefore should be equal in your say about how the money is spent. I've never understood this attitude that if you are the one earning it, it's yours. It simply isn't and shouldn't be that way.

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