My husband's 38yr old daughter has driven a wedg between us

[deleted account] ( 37 moms have responded )

I am married to a 71 1/2yrs man with 3 adult children (2 sons 40 and 45, and 1 38yr daughter). I am 49 wh 29yr son and 20yr daughter. I love my husband, but his daughter has driven a wedge between us. She does not want to work, and she expects for her fathr to take care of her and her 3 children, whom he never, ever sees. She does not like me and has come to my house to fight me. I have never done anythi ng to her but try to be family with her. I have not seen her since July 4, 2009, because in June, 2010 she was banned from our home because in April, 2010 she tod me she had a problem with me while I had her on speaker phone. She stated that her father was not going to say anything to her because he never says anything. And he didn't. Since she has the problem, I told her not to come to my house anymore. He told me he was protecting a relationship with his daugherr which really hurt.She showed up in June, 2010 with her brother, children, and mother's brother (fortunately, we were not home) that's when he told her not to come to our home any more. She had her mother calling my husband calling me names. since then we have been struggling with our marriage because she wants him to meet her out of our home like she is a woman in the streets. I feel insecure now when she calls because he has allowed her to do some serious emotional damage. Now I have begun to lash out at him by destroying his things. I am so ashamed of myself. I am tired of all his women. By the way, he has a second wife that he pays $300 a week in alimony. I do not feel that I should have to stand back and watch him support every household and I be disrepected. I do not feel wanted in my o wn home. I have grown to distrust him very much and it has taken a toll on my emotional state and mariage.

The phone call was on a Sunday at 8am while we were preparing to go to church. She called me. She has been talking about us to his 2nd wife. She does not want him to confront her about her behavior. When he does, she blames me and everyone else and says that it's just him and her. She has a real problem and it is making me sick because everytime we get to where we are enjoying one another, UP POPS THAT DEVIL NAMED ROBIN!

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[deleted account]

I find this post utterly hysterical! Thanks for posting Thelma. Guess what? Marriage is HARD WORK. You don't want to see that. Plus, marriages with 1) multiple ex-spouses and 2) significant age gaps have the odds stacked against them. You are having marital issues. Here's what you do:



1. Seek marital counseling

2. Speak to your clergy

3, Call a family meeting of both sides, all the grown up kids

4. Set rules for your home

5. Put things in writing

6. Get a 3rd party arbitrator to listen to all sides

OR



1. Suck it up and be miserable

2. Get a divorce



Quite frankly, you have no one to blame but yourself when entering into a marriage with baggage. And heavy baggage at that. This is not the typical case of a divorced parent with 2-3 kids under age 18 and dealing with custody and support. This is a marriage with a generational age gap and adult children, in addition to multiple marriages between you both.



Lol! And "they say" the gays are ruining the sanctity of marriage?!

Johnny - posted on 03/24/2012

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Perhaps this should have been labeled clearly as a vent. From reading the thread, it is clear that you are not looking for suggestions, advice, or comments that in any way contradict your opinion on the matter. The other women have attempted to offer constructive opinions and you have done nothing but attack them. This is not what this forum is intended for.

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2012

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Ladies, it appears the OP has disappeared, so I am going to lock this thread.



Thanks

Jodi

WtCoM Moderator

[deleted account]

Um.... she married the man w/ grown children (who were already acting like this if the daughter destroyed the guy's second marriage) and ex wives.... and is now upset about the situation she married into. I DO agree w/ you that the wife should be first and I do feel bad for this woman in a marriage where she is not valued, but you can not control the actions of anyone else on the planet except yourself.... So... in reality... she can either accept the situation as it is, get counseling to try and solve the issues, or leave the marriage. There really isn't much else TO do.



No one here is getting in this woman's business... she put it here for input and that's what she's gotten.

Johnny - posted on 03/24/2012

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Thelma, you are completely and totally out of line. Sapphire was clearly trying to help you, and although you may not agree with her, as is your right, you are not allowed to violate the COM No THUMPS policy and personally attack her.

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Natashia - posted on 03/24/2012

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@ Teresa I totally agree with you! As I stated before there were many red flags! @ Sapphire......Yes this woman has place her business on a public forum so people with state their opinions. I'm happy that your marriage is rock solid! I do not recall bringing up anyones marriage. What I said was those that intentionally interfere in someone else business, meaning the 38 year old daughter, is wrong and dad is wrong for allowing it. I'm sure wife was prepared for negative comments and ultimately it is up to her to stay or not. Also you do not have to make a public statement for others to try and interfere in your life. That's life. We've all had people try and get in our personal lives. @ Robin.....if dad hasn't seen his children in two years then that's on him. She cannot tell a grown man what to do. If he's unable to move about that's one thing, but it sure doesn't sound like that's the case.

Natashia - posted on 03/24/2012

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@ Teresa I totally agree with you! As I stated before there were many red flags! @ Sapphire......Yes this woman has place her business on a public forum so people with state their opinions. I'm happy that your marriage is rock solid! I do not recall bringing up anyones marriage. What I said was those that intentionally interfere in someone else business, meaning the 38 year old daughter, is wrong and dad is wrong for allowing it. I'm sure wife was prepared for negative comments and ultimately it is up to her to stay or not. Also you do not have to make a public statement for others to try and interfere in your life. That's life. We've all had people try and get in our personal lives. @ Robin.....if dad hasn't seen his children in two years then that's on him. She cannot tell a grown man what to do. If he's unable to move about that's one thing, but it sure doesn't sound like that's the case.

Tammy - posted on 03/24/2012

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i think everyone has missed the boat on this. i dont see anyone being helpful. you all are bombarding her with comments and she is trying to be dignified by asking you not to comment anymore but you all keep doing it.

what thelma is trying to say is her husbands daughter is clearly disrepsecting her by coming to her home and trying to fight with her. at 38? come on. thats so childish. then she talks about her to his ex wives like she is a teenager. she is a grown woman with 3 children. Yes, we are Always our children's parents no matter how old they are BUT there comes a time when we must choose bc our kids cant handle us being with someone & are causing trouble; which she clearly is doing. maybe she did the same thing to his 2nd wife. we dont know. she should be doing what she can to take care of her own children like the rest of us. it is not her father's responsibility. im a single mom and i have a disabled daughter. i get help from family but i dont expect it. my mom passed not even 2 yrs ago and my dad will be 71 this yr. if he wants to date or marry someone who treats him nice and makes him happy, i wont interfere. it sounds as if thelma tried to have a relationship with her but the daughter clearly needs to act like daddy's little girl and be immature. she needs to suck it up and leave them alone. he can help her still but not support her. shes not asking him not to have a relationship with her. shes saying she is being treated poorly by the daughter which is in turn affecting her marriage. shes not the 1st or last person to have this problem. he obviously saw a problem too bc he asked his daughter not to go to the house anymore. why are we blaming thelma? she is asking for suggestions. you dont always know who you marry or how they are going to react in a situation until later. people do change even though we say they dont but they can. you stop living when you stop changing. and love can be blind. she loves her husband and wants to work things out but the daughter is obviously driving a wedge. i can see thelma's point. dont criticize her for reaching out and asking opinions. no matter what she has said she has gotten attacked. we cant judge how she reacts bc we do not live in her shoes. you all talk about name calling? i have seen more deragatory remarks on the responses. if she asks to be left alone, stop commenting. its not bc she doesnt agree with what you're saying, its bc you are missing the point and have nothing nice to say. be nice people. she never said she didnt like counseling or talking with clergy. never. the tone being used here is not helpful so she chooses not to respond. you are all being mean. if you have nothing nice or helpful to say, dont. you have no idea what she lives with or has been through. noone has a right to judge. maybe she will get divorced or talk to clergy or seek a qualified counselor. this was her 1st step in reaching out and look how that turned out. no wonder why people are afraid to ask for help. as far as her destroying his things, as least she is aware of it and feels bad. shes not saying it was exhillarating or felt good. she is saying she is sorry for it. sounds like she has had enough. she cant take it out on his daughter so he is the closest person. we all take things out on the closest person to us. its not right but it is how it is. cut her some slack. she isnt doing anything wrong.

Iridescent - posted on 03/24/2012

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I second Teresa - plus, she hasn't allowed her husband to see HIS child in nearly two years? And is having a fit because they spoke on the phone? Grow up already.

[deleted account]

Natashia, when someone spews their personal love life all over a public internet forum comprised of international women, then that original poster (who has since deleted herself) needs to be mature enough to take some heat for her post.



Secondly, over the past several years, trolls come and go- post ridiculous sounding posts-then go away.



Third- I am entitled to state my opinion in what this poster should do with her marital issues. I gave her the positives and the negatives. She is a 49 year old woman! Not some 18 year old GIRL who just graduated high school with zero life experience who wants to marry her high school sweetheart!



Finally- my marriage is rock solid, storng and stable- but I am not blinded to know that things can change on a whim. But I sure as hell would never bring my marriage issues to a public forum full of strangers!



So tell me who makes a mockery of a marriage?!

Natashia - posted on 03/24/2012

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Sapphire, Johnny, and everyone telling this woman to deal with this foolishness....you all wouldn't let someone come into your marriage and run it would you? It's clear that the daughter doesn't like dad's new wife, but guess who legally and morally matter......the woman he is LEGALLY married to. The ex-wives and grown children need to get a life and stop making babies they can't take care of without government assistance. If ths man won't put his foot down then give this headache to someone else. Everyone needs to remember that you reap what you sow. If you are intentionally interfering in someone else affairs, just remember there will be somebody in your business as well so don't get mad.

Natashia - posted on 03/24/2012

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I personally think that both of you, wife and daughter have made valid points. Robin's observation of her dad being married 3x's is a red flag! However, although Robin will always be his daughter, she is an adult that should be able to care for herself and HER children. Naturally grandparents will help out grandkids, but it sounds as though Robin feels that dad is obligated to help out financially and that is WRONG. Robin and the kids father/s are the only ones obligated.

A husband and wife should be one. Therefore the wife comes before ANYBODY including children whether they are biological or not. This man needs to put hisfoot down and honor his wife like he vowed to do.

[deleted account]

And name calling makes you sounds like a mature adult?!



Listen up woman.....you have been this old fart's wife for what, 3, 4, 5 years? (How's that for stupidity)



You think YOU are going to replace his 38 year old daughter?



You think you are superior to the other ex-wives?!



You don't like counseling or speaking with your clergy, then don't. Your other optinos were to be miserable and suck it up!



Seriously, how many marriages between the 2 of you? And how many years per marriage? You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have...the facts of life!

Iridescent - posted on 03/24/2012

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What!? On your Christian thread, this exact advice is ooohed and ahhhed over by you, and here everyone who suggests it is "stupid"? It's valid advice!

Johnny - posted on 03/24/2012

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If you wish to lock this thread, click on the admin options at the top of the page and you will be able to do so. If you do not, people will be able to continue to post.

Iridescent - posted on 03/24/2012

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Oh, you're leaving? Just when we were getting to know each other, too. Don't let the door hitcha too hard on your way out.

Iridescent - posted on 03/24/2012

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Bossing me around isn't going to do any bit of good. I haven't been out of line at all. You're welcome to lock or delete your own thread, but you cannot stop me from posting for clarification or to reply as I see fit. I am not violating any rules, and I'm sorry, but you're not my mommy (or my father's wife).

Iridescent - posted on 03/24/2012

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Please, clarify what is twisted, because this is how it's coming across and what you did write when you posted your question. If it's simply a misunderstanding, it would help for anyone to be able to help you for it to be straightened out.

Iridescent - posted on 03/24/2012

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Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was the reply you wanted:



"You're so right! Men can be totally clueless! Once their children are adult age, they shouldn't care about their fathers at all so what's your step daughter even think she's doing trying to talk or visit with her father? And alimony! Heck, the ex-wife wrecked that marriage anyway so she doesn't deserve any alimony! I totally think you're right about destroying his things. That is EXACTLY what will save your marriage! Next time, go for his car!



HOORAH!"



Is that better? Because you're not gonna see a lot of that around here.

[deleted account]

Stop commenting. Go away. If you are so passionate about what I said, I must be right. Goodbye Iridescent.

Iridescent - posted on 03/24/2012

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You projecting how you feel in your life is your problem. It does not give you the right or ability to decide how I feel about MY life. If you are that unhappy, get a divorce and quit asking for help. You obviously don't want help anyway, just pity.

[deleted account]

No I think your father is wrong. Why should he not give you and your children the attention you deserve. You and your dad can have a healthy relationship with balance. I have a stepfather, who is my only father... the only one I know. He is my Daddy. I understand how you feel and I wish that your father and his wife will understand how you are feeling. Approach the matter with care and respect and maybe, just maybe things will work out. If you are not the type of daughter that is intentionally making problem for your father, then you deserve attention. I really believe that. I have always tried to be friends with her, but if my marriage has to be split because she is acting like his woman instead of his daughter, there is a serious issue.

Iridescent - posted on 03/24/2012

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You put yourself in this position. He's had at least 3 wives now, so the first two (if you're the third, more if not) should have been a clue that there may be something out of place with his character that simply isn't going to change. He's 71! He is NOT going to change. Like it or lump it.



This is his daughter. In my life, and in many people's, their children come first. I expect my children to come first to my husband - and they do. If my children are hungry and so am I, and I can only feed one or the other, I will feed my children. If my husband is unhappy and so are my children, depending on the cause, their needs may very likely come first. It doesn't matter if they are 3 hours old or 30 years old. If there is something I can do to help my children, I will, and you may not respect a man who feels the same way but you did marry him. If you can't accept that, then maybe you're in the wrong marriage. YOU are the one driving the wedge. You are putting demands in place, destroying his things, resenting his children, and even his ex-wife that needs alimony. Do you feel that alimony is simply awarded for fun? No! She was married to the same man you are and it didn't work out, and she proved in court that she *needed* his support to survive. If it were you, would you prefer to live in a homeless shelter? Because often that is what that dollar value makes a difference of. It sounds like you are being quite selfish.

[deleted account]

OK... I deleted all of my earlier responses to you since you are so not worth my time, but I just wanted to say.... my father and his wife are HAPPILY married. I would never, ever even think to come between them. I clearly stated that I understand him putting HER first.... I just wish he would care about my children as much (EQUALLY... not more) as he cares about his stepgranddaughter. No clue how you think THAT is wrong????



Good luck w/ your ranting and destroying your husband's things.... I'm sure that will get you much further than the counseling that I suggested.

[deleted account]

You made my issue yours. Did you cause issues in your father's marriage? Are you a home wrecker? If you caused problems in his marriage by trying to put yourself before his wife and home, then you are wrong. You sound like my husband's daughter. Never slammed you.

[deleted account]

Do you wish to deal with your husband's ex-relationships? I hope that you will have to one day. You will know how it feels.

[deleted account]

You need to take your advice as well. I am here to communicate not to be judged. Good luck with you.

[deleted account]

And if a woman can lay down and have 3 children, she should be prepard to do what needs to be done to take care of them.

[deleted account]

Furthermore, my children have respect and care for both of us. My children are both independent and live in their own homes. I do not intend to put up with this behaviour because she is his daughter. She is a grown woman with 3 children who does not want to work. She has had men live with her. Babies have daddies, make them responsible. If it's ok for my marrigae to be severed for the sake of her and his wives before me, maybe my children should start acting that way and maybe I should bring in my past marriages to even things up!

[deleted account]

And if being a daughter means that you can be a home wrecker then, wow what is the sense of being married? They were before me, but I should not have to deal with them.

[deleted account]

I never asked him not to do for his daughter. I feel that you are responding out of your heart because you have been on the back burner of your dad's life. I did not start the trouble and did not ask you for sympathy. Your answer comes from your experience with your father and not as a wife in this positin. thanks for your reply

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